To follow up on events. I came home from work on Friday and was changing in the bedroom and my wife was in the adjoining bathroom and called out "isn't the winter ball this weekend?" and I said yes. She then asked aren't we going? then she must have sensed the hesitation and said "do you want me to go?" I answered I didn't have any expectations about whether she would go or not considering she is now sleeping in the guest room. She didn't respond to this other than we made eye contact.
I have always been confounded by the conflicting messages of no I don't want to sleep in bed with you, yes I want to go to the ball with you, and yes I will engage you in light and fun conversation at home.
Yes, that's exactly it. Don't be cold or indifferent, just lovingly detach. You mentioned having been through this, were you here on the forums before under a different name maybe?
We went to the ball, and I had a great time. It involved cocktails, dinner, and dancing. Nobody who saw us at the ball, such as our good friends who were there with us, would ever guess that when getting home my wife goes to sleep on the couch .
Today my wife did her thing and I did mine. I am on an over-30 soccer team and we play every Sunday. My wife had her eye lashes done, and then took my girls shopping. There's now a present for me from my girls under the Christmas tree. I've asked my girls what should we get their mom, I'll have to take them next week to buy a present. To me doing this is not pursuing, but teaching my girls the importance of gift giving and observing holiday traditions. We also have plans to host Christmas at my house with three couples that we did Christmas with last year.
I made myself and my wife lunch for tomorrow. I have done this a lot lately -- making lunch for the both of us. She hardly ever makes me lunch. In fact, it was something that bothered me. Anyway, last week she did make me lunch once. I think now after BD#3 she has done more for me, perhaps a feeling of guilt? Anyway, I made lunch because the marginal effort to make two lunches is small, and by not doing it I feel I come across as a jerk.
I reread all my threads today, and I believe I made several mistakes in my past. One was after her 1-night stand on 7/2013 I took her back in after she said all the right things and seemed coherent. However, I realize she wasn't really committed to reconciling. Not saying I shouldn't have taken her back, but my expectations were higher than they should have been. The second mistake was I did too much snooping, and many good people on this forum warned me against it. Snooping is addicting. This hurt me more than helped me. Third, when she was trying to commit to the marriage, we should have done MC to help us.
This time around, I feel more comfortable in my skin if that makes sense. I do feel like I don't really need her, although I do believe in marriage and trying to work things out. Especially given the ages of my children. I have learned from this board many things that I believe have made me a better partner and individual. I think as a couple in a long marriage that started when we were young, we lost a sense of our individual identity. Few interests, friends, or things that didn't involve the both of us. That has changed. I GAL and now go sailing every week during the season April through October, I play on a soccer team, and exercise 4 times a week (probably in better shape now than ever). We do many couple things with other couples such as going to wineries (we live in CA), going out to eat, going to the movies, and to social events.
Not much to report, but I find journaling useful. I've read through other threads, especially of Benito and TXHubby and I think I have not really detached to that extent. More accurately, I have acted as if I was detached. Although, I'm closer than I've ever been to being indifferent between staying together or not.
Sunday I played soccer in an over-30 league that I joined a month ago. I enjoy the sport and the male camaraderie of being on a team. While I was doing that, my wife took my girls shopping and I now have a present wrapped by my youngest under the tree.
Monday after work, I lifted weights on the side of my house. My wife called me into dinner and then ten minutes later she left to go to Brazilian ji-jitsu. She does this 2-3 nights a week. I ate with my girls, they trailed off to do their things. I started the first fire of the season in our fireplace and sat and read a new book while drinking some brandy. My wife came home a little later than usual. I was undressing to go out into the hot tub. Going into the hot tub just before bed is something that we have done as a couple 2-4 times a week, especially when it's cold out. Now I realize by me going in, I'm preventing her from going in. While I was in the hot tub, she went into the living room to sleep on the couch. BTW, we have a guest room that I built in the garage, but the garage is poorly insulated and without heat. There's a space heater, but for some reason, my wife hasn't used it. She did try the guest room one or two nights last week, but my guess is she found it too cold.
On Tuesday evenings we do crossfit at my house with a group of about ten friends ranging in age from 16 to 72. My wife wears those tight gym clothes and I do still find her sexy. Anyway, after crossfit, we had dinner. I sat down to watch some TV, and my wife said she was going out for a bit. She didn't tell me what she was doing, but she asked me what we are doing for D14's birthday the next day, and I asked her to pick something up at the supermarket. Not knowing where she's going does still bother me, and something I need to get over. I watched a show on Netflix, and she returned just past an hour later and started cooking something. She asked me from the kitchen a few questions about the show because it was a series, Mindhunter, that we were watching together just last week. When the episode ended, I turned off the TV and called out to my wife good night.
Early in the morning I woke because my wife was in the bathroom (which you can only get into via the master bedroom), and I opened my eyes and she was looking at me just as she was about to leave. She bent down across the bed and kissed my on the head goodbye. She was leaving very early to work because if she doesn't prepare the evening before, she must do it in the morning. It was not even 6:30am.
Yesterday we went to dinner for D14 now D15's birthday. We all had a nice dinner together as a family. I told my wife about work, she told me about hers.
This morning my wife was in the bathroom, I came in and she said good morning. She also offered me a scarf because I was asking about one last night. When she left to take my daughters to school, she didn't bother to say goodbye even though I was there in the kitchen.
In the bathroom, I found on the floor two VIP tickets to a wine tasting event that must have fallen out of her coat. She has off-handedly told me she was going to a wine tasting last night. The tickets are from a mutual friend, and I imagine the friend expected my wife to go with me. I don't know who she's going with, but would guess one of her girlfriends.
This is a 180 for me. My first instinct was to throw them away. Instead, I texted her, "I found two VIP tickets to the wine event on the bathroom floor. I put them on the bar for you."
FC, very interesting about the kiss. That's a nice baby step, try not to get too excited but still, it IS a baby step. Regarding the other stuff you're journaling about, it all sounds fine. Let her do her thing and you do your thing. Just keep all the pressure off like it sounds like you're doing. Good job all around!
Well my 180 about texting her where the tickets were must have been a real change for her. She must have been texting a friend because in the afternoon I received three text messages that were not meant for me. They were:
text msg #1: This first text was a copy of the text I sent her, which was: "I found two VIP tickets on the bathroom floor. I put them on the bar for you." text msg #2: This is how I know he is mad text msg #3: Why even mention it
She was obviously texting with a friend and accidentally sent it to me.
I texted,
"I wish you gave me the benefit of the doubt" "I mentioned it so you would know where to look" "I just dropped D11 off at tennis, she is on the near courts and needs to be picked up at 6" "Please tell the girls I'll be home between 8 and 8:30"
she wrote:
"fair enough" [to my text of why I mentioned where the tickets were]
and then a few minutes later:
"Sorry about the text" "I'm sorry, I feel like an [censored]"
I had told my wife about D11 and tennis because my W has never picked D11 up from tennis. Also, my plans for tonight were before I knew my W was going out.
The truth is I'm really not mad. I had a busy afternoon and evening. I went to a bar to meet with a Navy friend who is leaving next week to his new assignment. I then, went to dinner with an Navy contingent from Indonesian, which was very interesting.
It sounds like you're doing the right things. Keep up the good work!
Originally Posted By: FastCars
I have always been confounded by the conflicting messages of no I don't want to sleep in bed with you, yes I want to go to the ball with you, and yes I will engage you in light and fun conversation at home.
My guess is that she's not entirely sure, either. I think that's a good thing.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Many on this board have spoken very highly of Retrovaille. I'm on their email list and just received news there will only be two sessions in my area in 2018. The first is in the last week of Jan. The second is in May 2018.
Is it worthwhile even if W is halfheartedly willing to go? She believes she fell out of love and there's nothing that she can do about it ...
Or should I wait until she is willing (if ever) to work on the marriage? For travel reasons, might not be able to do the May session making January the only option short of traveling out of the area.
