From my signature you can see I've been at this for awhile with multiple BDs. It's been a roller coaster. I believe it started with a MLC, which my wife is over. During the MLC she had cosmetic surgery (boobs, lips, eyes, botox), went back to school, started drinking and going to bars, and so forth. We'll many of the new behaviors she has dropped such as drinking and going to bars. She has a new graduate degree and new job.
I did many 180s, and she noticed. She once told me I had "reinvented myself". I got a life and pursue more hobbies than I have time for.
Our relationship has been up and down. She has shown love, not shown love, and we cycle through this.
Over the past months our sex life has deteriorated tremendously. Additionally, I have felt the sting of many micro criticisms and lack of love from her. I tried to initiate sex, and she said "no sex for you tonight". This lead to an argument during which she told me, "I don't love you anymore" and I told her "then you should leave."
Because it was just before Thanksgiving, we decided to wait until afterwards to discuss further and not ruin the holiday. That week we were like friends in the house and outside. Afterwards, she told me she enjoyed the week because she "felt less pressure." When we talked she repeated she didn't love me and hasn't for a long time, and maybe never.
Neither one of us wants a divorce because we think it would be devastating for our children. We differ in that I want to work on the marriage and she does not. I suggested MC and she at first said, "no because it cannot change what I feel." The day we spoke again because I thought she was going to file for divorce and I told her I didn't want to be surprised. She told me "you're not the enemy" and she wouldn't surprise. I mentioned then we should do MC, and this time she agreed. Obviously reluctantly.
She has moved out of the master bedroom and has been sleeping on the couch for the past week.
I have identified four marriage counselors who I will interview before selecting. However, I was thinking of giving my wife some time before to relax before starting MC. My thinking is to wait until after Christmas during which time I put no pressure on her about the relationship and let her relax. Hopefully, she be more open to MC afterwards. Any thoughts on this?
I keep a journal, and after reviewing it, I notice there are more 180s I can do. Since my wife's one night stand I have had a trust issue, and feel insecure in the marriage. She feels she must "walk on eggshells" that I'm fragile, and always watching her. I need to change this dynamic.
I don’t talk about it anymore. Back in 2014 I thought we were on the road to recovery and we did talk about relationships and love and this is when I talked about it. My plan now is to act As if I have moved on. It’s easy after so many years. In January we will start MC. I was thinking if she wants to return to the bed, I’ll tell her only if she wants to work on the marriage and I’ll tie some concrete actions to it.
Nope. It is far more likely to make things worse. Drop the MC plans. She doesn't want it, and she will only use it as an excuse to end the M. When WAS's go to MC it's only to check the box next to "all the things I did to try and save the M, but that didn't work." Have you read DR? If not then get it and read it ASAP. REMOVE ALL PRESSURE, that is your goal. MC is pressure. Relationship talk is pressure. Asking her out is pressure. Trying to get her in the bed is pressure. Trying to initiate sex is pressure. Back off and remove the pressure. Read Sandi's rules, these are your guidelines on how to behave:
AnotherStander, I have read the books, although it's been a while. I think you are correct. She told me she doesn't love me, she doesn't believe her feelings can change, and she left the marital bed. Consequently, I should stop treating her like a wife.
A couple of months ago, I had purchased expensive tickets to a ball raising funds for a local organization. Just yesterday I was thinking of asking her if she was still going to go with me. Thanks to your reminder, I'm not going to ask her. I'm just going to put on my tux and go. Although, if she expects to go, what should I do? I was thinking if she expects to go, I can just say, "I didn't expect you to join me."
Consequently, I should stop treating her like a wife.
Yes, that's exactly it. Don't be cold or indifferent, just lovingly detach. You mentioned having been through this, were you here on the forums before under a different name maybe?
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Just yesterday I was thinking of asking her if she was still going to go with me. Thanks to your reminder, I'm not going to ask her. I'm just going to put on my tux and go. Although, if she expects to go, what should I do? I was thinking if she expects to go, I can just say, "I didn't expect you to join me."
Yeah I think you're spot on. You go whether she goes or not. If she goes along then fine, but if she doesn't then that's fine too. If you want to say something to her then say something like "I'm going to that ball this evening, you're welcome to come along if you wish." In other words it's her decision, and you are going and having fun regardless of her choice.
