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Chris73 Offline OP
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Everything was fine. I met them at the gym, watched the practice. Hugged the kids and left. Glad I went.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Good job going to the practice, Chris!

I had issues being scared of my STBXW (still do TBH, though not as much as before). I realized that, for me, it's mostly not rational, that I had been somehow "programmed" by her to fear her. Once I started to acknowledge when it was happening, I started to do better with it.

I suggest you spend some time thinking why you're scared of her. What will she do? What COULD she do?


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Thanks Holding. The fear is definitely rooted in irrational thinking. Initially my fear was that anything I did to upset her or not comply with her wishes would further deteriorate my chances of us getting back together. 18 months later I realize that there was nothing I could have done to prevent the decisions she's made to break up the family. But then my fear transformed from that into "If I don't do what she wants, she going to make my life hell in divorce court." But this fear isn't rational either. She's getting what she wants out of this divorce. To try to get more out of me requires a lot of time, money, and stress.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Chris73,

Good that you recognized the fear and overcame it. When I get that twinge of fear, i say to myself: of what am I afraid? That she’s going to D me? And then I laugh...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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How’s it going?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
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Hi everyone. It's been quite a while since my last post.

December was a difficult month. Despite her still living in my house, I let my wife have xmas eve with the kids without me. I got up super early the next day and made it back to my house xmas morning before the kids got up. The hardest part was watching her go early xmas afternoon. I have no idea where she went, nor did the kids. She did the same thing 2 days before on my son's 9th birthday. On neither occasion did I tell her that she had to leave. In fact, I asked her to stay. She went to the mountains with her friends on NYE weekend too.

I know part of this is wayward selfishness, and that's the part that makes me angry and resentful. It's hard for me to imagine why she wouldn't want to spend these moments with our kids considering that they're still young and actually want to spend time with us!

But if I try to look at life from her point of view I guess I can understand why she would be uncomfortable staying and doing family things in my house (which used to be our house). She seems fully committed to her decision to end the marriage and create a new family dynamic.

2 weeks after xmas she moved out. She asked me to take the kids to my moms for the weekend so that she could have time to pack everything and get it out of the house. We agreed on the things she would take. Nothing major, other than my daughter's bedroom furniture which she borrowed from her brother.

Coming back to the house that Sunday night was about as surreal as you could get. The kids and I walked through the house looking for missing things. My daughter slept with me that night.

Now, for the first time since June, the KIDS are the ones moving back and forth. The nesting arrangement was never going to be a permanent thing, but this change still hits everyone pretty hard. The biggest adjustment for me is all the extra alone time that I have now. When we were nesting, I was staying at my mom's, so there was always something there to talk to. Now, 3 nights a week minimum, it's just me in our big house.

The other big challenge is the total loss of control over my kids when they're not with me. I had lost some of it when we started nesting, but they were still living in one place. Now they have a whole new environment, living arrangement, neighborhood, furniture, rules. And I have no say in any of it. Our custody split is 42% vs 58% in her favor, and trying to make even 42% work with my job schedule is difficult and stressful, but I'm making it work.

January was the first month that I paid her the agreed upon child support amount. I have no problem with this except when I hear from the kids that they got new light up sneakers, a new Xbox, and an Apple watch. Nothing I can do about it though.

There are upsides to all of this. I'm enjoying my alone time and I have 100% control over what happens in my house. My wife took a lot of the things that I considered clutter. And the clutter she left behind has either already been trashed or will be soon. The house needs a lot of work, and most of my anxiety these days is trying to find time to get to all of it.

I think about my W less and less. The day after she moved out, I removed everything from the house related to our wedding/marriage and I moved all my clothes back into my bedroom. I suppose this aspect of the breakup is easier for her because she's living in a whole new environment with no memories attached to anything. I toggle back and forth between trying to be compassionate with her and being extremely pi$$ed at her. But that's usually only when I'm in contact with her for something. The rest of the time she's not in my immediate thoughts.

GAL is coming along. I'm getting some female attention but I'm not pursuing. I don't think I can handle any more emotional commitments right now. I started playing guitar in a new band and having a lot of fun. We have gigs lined up through June. Back in December I decided to train for a half marathon in April, but over the past weekend I realized that I just don't have the time to train for it. So I lowered the bar a bit and signed up for a 5K at the end of March. There's a 10 mile run in May and a couple 10Ks in June and September. These distances are much more doable but still give me something to work towards.

At the end of June I'm planning a short trip to San Fran which culminates with a Dead and Co show in Mountain View. I love that area of the country and I've never seen any incarnation of the Dead out west so it should be a blast.

Well, that's it for me. Considering this is a divorce busting board for newcomers I think I will start posting elsewhere. I hope my threads can be as helpful to others as they were to me.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 20
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Hi Chris,

Glad you updated. I posted on your sitch before Christmas because I had been following yours given the similarities (in particular, the BD date, mine was April 2016 with in-house separation ending July 2016).

By and large, I expect most here would say you have DB'ed very well, applying little or no pressure after the first month or so. I can't recall one instance where you have posted something that may have confirmed for her the decision to leave, i.e. you insulting her, making her feel guilty, a heated argument in front of kids, etc. You also had a WAW as far you know, not a WW (although I understand she is now perhaps in a relationship of some kind but didn't at least for the first year, maybe longer).

Nobody here is clairvoyant, and I don't even know if you want to hear this now or would still consider R after almost 2 years...but I predict your W comes back once you are in a relationship of your own and sees another woman raising her children.

Don't you find it interesting that she still hasn't served you with divorce papers?

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Chris73 Offline OP
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Hi slater! Just a couple of clarifications so that the details are accurate:

1. It was probably a good 5 months after BD that I tired DB'ing. I did put a lot of pressure on her during those 5 months. But in my defense, she admitted to an EA/PA and insisted that she wanted to work on saving the marriage. By the time I started DB'ing she was talking about separation.

2. I believe, although all the evidence is circumstantial, that she was wayward the entire time post BD. There might have been a month or two in the beginning when we were both committed to working on the marriage when she was faithful, but I think her Girls Gone Wild phase started around September and then she met OM2 at the end of October and I think she's been seeing him ever since.

3. She hasn't served me with papers primarily because she can't afford health insurance. This was part of our monetary arrangement when I bought her out of her share of the house... the cash amount was lower than she wanted. Yes, it's definitely cake eating to an extent, but I'm letting it slide for now. She really could have made our separation much more difficult if she wanted to.

I also believe, like you, that one day the fog will lift and she will regret her decision. However, I've truly come to understand her stubbornness and insecurity over the past 2 years. If she has an authentic change of heart in the future I'm almost certain she would keep it to herself.

A little bleak I suppose. But realistic.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
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No buddy, DB is not solely for newbies, although it does help newbies most, because they are in most need of help and at a very vulnerable stage.

I personally stayed to help the newbies, to try to shorten their trip to the better place.

However if leaving is your decision, than so be it. I wish you the best of luck and a wonderful life with your kids.

Take care buddy,

V

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Chris73 Offline OP
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Hi Vapo. No, I'll be sticking around to read and offer help if/when I can. I just won't be posting as much and I might eventually start a new thread in the "Surviving" board.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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