Still here. Still not detached... (Part 3)

[Chris73]

"A long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last..."

Yesterday I sat with the title company for my new mortgage and signed my name about 100 times. My W is officially detached from any financial responsibility regarding our house. In return, the buy-out amount she asked for is in her bank account as of this morning.

Done and done.

Everyone I mention this to says, "Congratulations!" And while I appreciate their optimism, I'm finding no cause to celebrate. Yes, it's great that the house remains in the family and my kids aren't completely uprooted. But they WILL be leaving at some point, not before the holidays, but definitely soon. I'm dreading this.

Lately I've been very angry. The ghost of my old wife still haunts my dreams. I want to tell her everything that I've thought about over the past 6 months. How I've changed. How I've learned so much about what we did wrong. We used to be able to talk. Now there's nothing. It's hard for me to understand how I could hate her so much and yet still love her enough to want her to change her mind and stay.

I guess I just have to remember that this woman chose to walk away from her home, her partner, her future, her financial stability, and give up half her time with her kids rather than try to find a way to make things work with me. It's really soul-crushing to realize how far she'll go to get away from me.

And I'm not really that bad of a guy

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2762129#Post2762129

[TBSakaJ9]

Chris..sorry to hear, hang in there. Big thumbs up on the counting crows!

[Chris73]

Hi Everyone. I thought I would post this update during the calm before the storm that is December. Both my kids have birthdays this month. My daughter turned 6 yesterday and my son will turn 9 on the 23rd.

W and I are still nesting while she continues to look for a place to move to. Buying something is not an option for her right now, so she's going to have to rent for a year. I feel a lot of different ways about this. Primarily, I'm unhappy because it means that my kids will have to move twice. But that's all the more reason why my staying in the house is a good idea. Part of me is glad that she's having trouble. I want her to see just how difficult the reality of her decision is. On the other hand, part of me is happy that she's renting instead of buying. It gives her the opportunity to put the breaks on for a year and spend some time working through her problems. Not sure that she'll do that tho, I think she's still in "new life full speed ahead" mode. The hard part for me is watching all of this happen and knowing that there's nothing I can do to affect the outcome in any way.

I've had a lot of difficulty with anger over the last couple of months. It's frustrating because it really has nowhere to go. I'm angry at my W, but allowing that anger to affect my behavior towards her is a recipe for disaster. What I really need to get over is my secret desire for my kids to be unhappy when they're with her. This is a terrible thing. I shouldn't ever WISH unhappiness on my kids. They certainly don't understand the complexities of adult relationships and they love their mom very much. In time they will understand what happened to us and they'll have to make their own decisions about how they feel about it.

The two of us are getting along ok right now. This is the last xmas that the 4 of us will spend in the same home and we're working together to handle gifts and plans. The tree goes up this week and I invited her to join us on Sunday afternoon to decorate it and she accepted. She's going to do something with them on xmas eve, but we're both going to stay at the house so that we're both there in the morning when the kids wake up. Then the kids will spend xmas day, new years eve, and new years day with me. I'm sure she has a NYE party to go to, but I never enjoyed them. I'll be happier ringing in the new year with my kids.

Now for a GAL update:

-I just joined a new blues band. Practices start next week and our first gig is in January. I'm very excited to get out and play more, and since everyone else in the band is married, all the groupies are for me!

-Just bought a new car, nothing fancy just reliable, and my new car payment is less than it was!

-Decided over the weekend that I'm going to sign up for a half-marathon at the end of April. My longest run is 6 miles, so this will be a challenge. But I have 20 weeks to do it. I told my kids, so now there's no going back!

All things considered, I'm doing ok.

[Vapo]

C, good to hear! Keep it rollin'!

[Vapo]

Anger? You have to dissipate the anger. Do not bottle it. Vent it out. Take a baseball bat to the trash can or something. Go hiking and yell at a spruce. I am not kidding...

[Chris73]

You're so right Vapo.

This morning the bus was late. My daughter was crying about something while I was trying to say goodbye to her and rush out the door to make it to the train on time.

On the drive over to the station, I punched the passenger seat of my car several times as hard as I could and yelled, "This is all your fault you effing c-word. I effing hate you! You've ruined everyone's lives!"

...of course, this is not a rational assessment of what's going on, but I wasn't being rational. I was just angry.

I'm ok now. A little depressed tho. Playing poker tonight with the boys. First time in over a year. Maybe I'll even win some moolah! Wish me luck!!

[Holding]

Chris, good job on letting out that anger. It's not supposed to be rational. It's ugly and sharp and needs to come out.

Good luck at poker.

[dusty70]

Chris, Vapo's right, make sure you find some way to vent the anger, keeping it bottled up like I used to do just isn't healthy for anyone because you never know who may get the brunt end when it comes out. With that, I need to apologize to the steering wheel of my car, it did nothing wrong to get the verbal and physical abuse it has endured over the past 7+ months! Have fun with the boys poker night!

[joejoe1]

Have fun Chris. Are you'll playing Texas Hold em. If so, pocket 9s do destruction.

[Gordie]

Great news on the blues band! Sounds fun.