Just a Vanilla Change 35

[Vanilla]

Previous Thread:

Just a Vanilla Change 34

Time to return to the board.

I think the Giggalo has ceased to view so I feel I can post again.

It is my position not to post if it can't be the unvarnished truth. That's not fair.

Very sad news, aged pa died last week and I think my very damaged heart is now completely broken. The loss is unbearable, aged pa was a wonderful and loving man. Before he died he made peace with everyone and said goodbye. His poor body finally failed on him at 97 years old and he was driving until 3 weeks before he died. His mind, as sharp as a tack until the day before.

I love my aged pa so much. Glam sis is also grieving as is clever nephew.

Clever nephew came to stay for 12 months, but his work takes him to a new location, so he has a new home.

I started a degree in law in September, although I haven't done as much studying as I need because of aged pa being so ill. He comes first.

The big house is on the market but no bites.

Would Job kindly link this thread to my old one for me please.

V

[focus22]

Sending you much love V.

[Vanilla]

Little yellow house sittin' on a hill
That is where he lived
That is where he died
Every Sunday morning
Hear the weeping willows cry
Three children born
A beautiful wife
Four walls and livin's all he needed in life
Always giving, never asking back
I wish I had a simple love like that
I want a simple love like that
Always giving, never askin' back
For when I'm in my final hour lookin' back
I hope I had a simple love like that
My mama was his only little girl
If he'd had the money, he'd have given her the world
Sittin' on the front porch, together they would sing
Oh, how I long to hear that harmony
I want a simple love like that
Always giving, never askin' back
For when I'm in my final hour lookin' back
I hope I had a simple love like that
I want a simple love like that
Always giving, never askin' back
For when I'm in my final hour lookin' back
I hope I had a simple love like that
Songwriters: Sarah Siskind

[Vanilla]

Sending you much love V.

Returned doubled....


V

[Dawn70]

Oh V, how glad I am to see you post. You have been on my mind and heart. I'm so terribly sorry about the loss of your pa. Much love and hugs from Molly and me.

[job]

Vanilla,

I am so sorry to read about your aged pa. He sounds like he was a wonderful man and he loved you too. I hope that the memories that you have of him bring you much comfort in the days ahead.

BTW, I'm glad you've returned to post. We have missed you!

[Ginger1]

Hi V. I am very sorry to hear about your Pa. I know you have been going through a lot and this must be difficult. Stay strong and we are here for you.

[Zues126]

V, thank you for allowing us to be with you and for sharing with us. We all care for you deeply.

I love that he was driving a car and sharp as a tack through it all. My great uncle was like that. He used to say "I'm going to live to be 100!" as he drove his manual transmission Mini Cooper around. Brilliant man, east coaster. Loved scrabble and boggle. We played once and he was reading the words he found and he said "Stowah". And I was like "What is Stowah? How do you spell that?" And he said "S, T, O, Ahwa, E". Then I realized he meant 'store' and that 'Ahwa' was 'R'.

Keep posting if you want and know we are here for you V.

[doodler]

Sending you much love V.

Returned doubled....


V

I'm sending you $10,000 (converted to pounds, not Euros).

[sandi2]

So sorry, Vanilla. Will be thinking of you and your family. It seems grief is no respecter of persons or time, and will inflict the already broken-hearted. (((V)))

[Ggrass]

I kept looking in just to see how things were going.
Sad to hear of your pa, it's always too soon no matter how old they are.

[Vanilla]

Lovely to hear from my chums.

I don't have much to say except grief is a very hard road.

Zues these men were extraordinary weren't they?

Maybe one day they will say the same about us?

Sandi, my lovely GG and special Dawn it's lovely to hear from you. I will catch up.

I have stories to tell and battles still ongoing. There is life still.

Thank you Job and Ginger1.

Much love

V

[bttrfly]

so sorry V {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

and much love xoxoxo

[Vanilla]

I woke this morning in a very achy painful way. My body is inflamed and sore.

My body is burning up and my head aches, it's not infection, it's pain and sadness filling my body. My heart is completely broken and I cry constantly.

There is so much drama and loss. I miss my aged pa, what will I do with the space I chatted to aged pa? How is it possible to heal from such hurt?

The Giggalo has told my L he will sue me if I don't give him money. Again and again abuse. He has run out of money I guess and feels entitled. Except the court order says he can be paid when the big house is sold. There is no immediate sign of it, so badgering me and trying to build up my L bills won't help.

The timing is deliberate.

I remember the G said aged pa should smother aged ma, this was in the last yearsix of her life when she had dementia and was bed ridden and yes demanding.. And I feel quite ill because of it.

I guess I haven't processed it properly as it still bothers me a great deal. I still feel this man is a risk to the life of any woman he is with.

V

[rd500]

Hi Lady V , i did email you but maybe you didn't get this so I've posted it here.

Just read about your Pa, I'm so sorry for your loss and the loss to your family. I cant imagine your pain. Its not everyone that has a figure like him in their lives but you were blessed that you did. Treasure the many memories and know that he is at peace. So sad. Xx

[Vanilla]

RD thank you so much.

My dearest Internet bruv who has walked this path and been so encouraging, my heart is broken and my soul and spirit low.

V

[rd500]

Hi Lady V, i wish i had the words but i dont think there are any that can ease you pain. I loved reading about your Pa and his larger than life attitude. On this earth there are many people who would have benefited from having a person of his calibre in their lives , you not only are one of the lucky ones because you did have him in yours but you are also part of him and possess many of his fantastic qualities.

You say your spirt is low and of course it is, your Pa is at rest physically but his spirt will always be with you. He guided you as a child and through your youth but now his ways and his character are reflected in yours. He is with you and always will be. The physical loss is so so tough but he is part of you and that is never going to leave.

I'm always just an email away or on here so don't hesitate to contact me if i can be of help or just a distraction.

I said it in my last post but please remember the great , funny and loving times you shared with Pa, you are enduring incredible loss but those memories can help.

Take care , Rd xx

[Vanilla]

High alert

The G has been driving by the big house, twice already today and it's in a cul de sac.

Time to disappear to stay with friends and alert my L. I have cameras.

V

[sandi2]

Our prayers and concerns are with you. ((V))

[Surfer]

So sorry for your loss. Grief is such a tasking feeling to deal with. But you will deal with it and you will feel happiness again of course, it’s just right now it feels like it will never end. Perhaps a nicer way to look at the horrible intensity of your feelings is to reflect on what a lovely person your aged pa was. You don’t feel intense loss and grief for those you don’t love and the depth of that grief, I think, is a reflection of your love for the person you lost. Which is a reflection also of their ‘loveliness’. You clearly had a lovely aged pa. How lucky you have been with that relationship and how lucky that you had all that time together. It is a hard road, but keep yourself busy and talk to others. Also, try and smile. You can’t be sad when you smile.

As for G. Best avoided for sure.

Surfer.

[Vanilla]

Thank you Sandi and Surfer.

Haven't heard from you for a while Surfer, how are you? Do you plan an update?

How is crazy loco land?

And the kids?

It would be lovely to know.

Sandi, I duck and dive, next week a hearing for a non mol order which is an injunction to keep him away for 6 months. I should get it because of the domestic abuse history.

I really am frightened of this man, more now than ever.

I truly wish he would GO AWAY.

V

[Surfer]

Vanilla

All really quite good mostly. Processing the D at present. Abusive behaviour and WW for years, intensity of abuse and W leaving and being gone with kids for 12 months meant it was time to move on. So I did. Happier now than I have been in years and so are the kids (thanks for asking). Only popped back as I had a recent (and increasingly very rare) wobble due to the post traumatic fear I got from a recent rant from the STBXW in front of the kids. One of those that really sets you back. Anyway. All good again now. Only lasted 3 days and it has been 6 months perhaps since the last one. I am gong to change custody arrangements to totally minimise contact with STBXW and then these events will be so unlikely.
Given your worry about the G, going to ground is you best protection I am sure. He will of course obsessively go over and over where you might be and with whom and want to rant as you are not there at his back and call. But what more can you do than get yourself some peace of mind in a safe place?

Have you gone to ground before when you have seen similar behaviour? Does he eventually move on?

I’ll do a full update at some point but I would rather wait for the D to be finalised. All good however comparatively. Take care.

Surfer.

[Vanilla]

Surfer than you for the update, I had been concerned for you and the children when I noticed the rage pattern in you STBEX WW. It doesn't show often on the board but when those shining moments arise it's really frightening for all.

I think all you can do is get clear, and outhe of harms way. These types of rages (including thrashing) are easy to deny and they are dangerous because of low impulse control.

The G rages, in fact I went back and observed my posts from 2015 and read how dangerous it was. I didn't want to see it or accept it. In fact I wrote I felt that contempt wasn't a boundary for me. Something picked up by Sandi, Edz and Jim. The wonderful perceptive greengrass was my guide in those dark days and helped me through it. I doubt I would be here now if I hadn't had that insight.

I thought it was me and I deserved it.

I have studied this in great depth and taken abuse counsellor exams, now I am taking the legal ones too. Knowledge helps a great deal in finding strategies to cope.

Getting out of the way, going NC (I am a complete master at NC and the ways to accomplish it), having been silent NC for periods.

I notice the pattern Surfer, break NC and let the abuser back in and peace of mind goes. That's what happens, gets you every time, I recollect your spell break which was a dramatic shining moment of WW rage and venom. It frightened me for you and your children. I confess to fear on your behalf.

It is a great relief to me to know that you are well and healing even if there was a wobble. It happens, indeed this year's D fin hearing was very frightening for me. It cost me but I fought him through the courts.

I have similar fears for Rednail. Hers was the most frightening situation ever on this board for me anyway. Yours counts up there too. When I say dodged a bullet, I mean literally. You and I have been lucky to get away, others might not be.

Thank you for the update. Stay protected and for your children as much as you can.

V

[job]

Vanilla,

Merry Christmas! I know that this Christmas will be difficult for you w/your aged pa not there. But, he's there in your heart and he will always be there when you need him the most. He's looking down on you and smiling and thinking what a wonderful daughter he has.

Please take care of yourself.

[Vanilla]

Thank you Job
Spent today at aged pa flat sorting some things and theno a meal with glam sis, clever nephew, beautiful niece and Dr nephew.

Great great news, beautiful nice is 4 months pregnant, I am sure aged pa will be smiling ear to ear wherever he is.

Such amazing news, a new generation to come.

V

[rd500]

Hi Lady V, just to echo Job and to say congrats for your niece, circle of life !!

Take care, Rd

[Vanilla]

Happy Xmas RD, to you and those that have a special place in your heart.

As of course so does my lovely RD and my Internet nieces and nephews hold in my own.

An Emerald greeting to you, with a glass of the lovely stuff at Xmas.

V

[Vanilla]

2018 is going to be my most ambitious year yet

1. Extreme self care means I am enthusiastically using my genetic test results to loose those last 10lbs and build more muscle
2. I am joyously dancing 3 times a month on average minimum AND am attending two dance weekends
3. I am easily passing my law exams and i start my second year of study because I enjoy learning so much
4. I am get a non molestation order filed by me to encourage my own safety
5. I attend the meetups of my abuse group at least once a month and I participate actively
6. I am taking appropriate action to protect my fins
7. I am lovingly moving towards opening my heart by sketchbook journaling every day and deeply considering feedback given in IC
8. I stabilised my fins and settled with the G completely which means selling the big house
9. I visit my friends often and enjoy their company that includes this board

That's it for now folks on actions and goals

My thought challenges from last year will get updated for behaviour changes and revised beliefs

V

[Vanilla]

Happy New Years eve.

See you on the other side

V

[rd500]

Happy New year lady V

Take care , Rd

[Fogg]

V, great goals for the new year!

[Surfer]

Dear Vanilla

Thanks for your comments and care. We are all totally fine now. I will change custody arrangements and all will be well. I live a very happy and peaceful life now. Plenty to do in terms of friends and family and, of course, work.

Like you I felt in part ‘it’ was all my fault as I was told how ‘it’ and ‘this’ was the problem - very regularly. And that I didn’t care, she didn’t matter to me, I was not there for her etc. All of this was staple diet of her ‘case’. The reality, I think is she went WW and I got the abuse and confusion and of course rage that comes with that.

I didn’t see it but you pointing this out and others such as Job, Sandi explaining the patterns of behaviour in such sitch’s helped. Kind of giving me a basic understanding of this alien life.

When you step back it is so much clearer. It’s just a rollercoaster invented for the ride. The choice is whether to take a ride or not. And if you have, do you like it enough to stay on. If not. Get off. All generic stuff we have all heard or ready many, many times. But it is really that simple.

I expect I will move on 100% soon. I am getting there. I rarely have feelings for STBEX that are any different than those I might have for a neighbour. I don’t find her attractive as a person or a female but I do care if that makes sense.

Having been dating for sometime I am also comfortable that it’s not me (our MGC said that it was her in front of us both - highly controversial but I understand why she did now). I played my part in the problems in our R but her decisions and actions were hers. Of course, they are white washed now and the magnifying glass is on my actions. Yet those that know me know the truth. But hey, I am sure her R with OM really didn’t happen and if it did it wouldn’t have been a problem (such is the history Re-writing way of the WW and abuser)!

I am very comfortable with me being a nice and kind person and not a horrible person pretending to be nice to curry favour - her story it seems.

I do miss the marriage and family R I thought we had. I expect it didn’t exist how I saw and felt it. I also have wondered if her abuse was a temporary thing. But I expect from the book and feedback from Patricia Evans that this is highly unlikely. It is more likely a learned behaviour and a coping mechanism or habit which I can now trace back to a few months into our relationship (from 1998). There were times of extreme provocation, me trying to escape arguments/rages (by sleeping in cars, locking myself in bathrooms etc). It’s quite comical, looking back - but typical from what I understand.

Anyway. I am happy. So are the kids and my family and that’s all that matters.

Like you I have blown some serious cash on this separation to date. With the settlement it will be a terrifying sum I am sure. But every penny is worth it. Not just for me, but the kids too (mostly - I took so much for so long trying to make it work and protect them, ultimately I did). I feel like an amazing Dad when I look at how I have handled things.

So I hold my head high. Sat on the tube, heading into town. It’s a Mummy day. Time for Me to spent time with a special lady I met some time ago.

Surfer.

[Dawn70]

Your goals for 2018 are ambitious and amazing, just like you, lady V. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for you as I know you have wonderful things coming your way. What joyous news that beautiful niece is having a baby to add to your family. Much love from me and Molly! Happy 2018, dear lady.

[Vanilla]

There has been several drive bystanders.

The G has not gone back to Italy yet. Something is afoot.

It will unfold in time.

A cheque I sent as part of his settlement is still sitting in Italy at a post office after having been rejected by the occupant of the house whose address he uses.

It's the BIT address.

Now isn't that interesting

They have moved (strange since in Sept he was claiming to have paid 12 months rent in advance) BTW it's her address at the Italian Land Registry ?

They have split up

If it hadn't been delivered then the po tracker would not say rejected, would it?

Oh what jinx

V

[Vanilla]

Who knows what the explantation is?

Moved?

Split?

Weren't living there in the first place?

Delicious

V

[Vanilla]

Surfer

I am delighted you have a special lady friend, well deserved and I am thinking a much better R.

You are certainly growing and developing, and one of the routes is to post here to newcomers. It isn't for every LBS to stay around although there is enormous post traumatic growth in posting this way, it solidifies your knowledge and pays it forward.

For me it has really helped with detachment and observation. I sometimes find the sitches of the distressed newbies trigger me and that too is a useful guide. It's part of my path to recovery.

Shift gives me great joy when I observe growth and personal development in extraordinary ways. There are truly remarkable peeps here. And to see graduation to R or acceptance is spiritual.

I would like to say that the downfall of the G (when it comes as it surely will) is not going to surprise me or shock me. Of course I will be to blame, as I always am. By fighting his fin case I have reduced his settlement from me to a minimum although it's a great chunk of change. Why should a man who I was M for 9 months walk away with half my assets? Especially when he has gambled all his, had OW galore, abused me, orally raped me and run off to Italy to be with an ex stripper?

I also believe he did great harm to his first wife. I know so because he told me that once to frighten me.

A friend recently offered to teach me to shoot so I can get a gun license. I have no such intention of course but it's an amusing thought to post on FB.

I am less afraid these days and as time goes on I feel much calmer.

My life is peaceful and I have no special person......

Frankly not even looked, my heart is closed for business, although a little physical lovemaking might help. Like Zues I think I may not be partner material, and in any case I doubt any sane male would be interested (especially Liam). I still have weight to lose, I am deep in studies and I am trying to turn my business around. My finances are just dire, overdrafts, loans and legal debts. In all I am busy happy and my days are full of learning.

I am determined to be super fit. Today I did a zombie run which was awesome. I have made my decisions to do another pin up session and put myself forward for some fitness contracts. I made some serious cash on that in my 20s wearing clothing for catalogues, although no one ever saw the whole of me! Mainly feet in shoes and trousers. A colleague at the gym works for an agency who specialises in third age models. There is a long way to go though before that.

These are very ambitious goals. I don't think I have bitten off more than I can chew, who can tell.

My sense of humour has returned, I rank that as a good sign.

V

[Vanilla]

Your goals for 2018 are ambitious and amazing, just like you, lady V. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for you as I know you have wonderful things coming your way. What joyous news that beautiful niece is having a baby to add to your family. Much love from me and Molly! Happy 2018, dear lady.

Thank you Dawn.

Perhaps 2018 is the year we might meet?

V

[doodler]

My sense of humour has returned...

Oh no! That's the problem with Brits; they don't even know how to spell humor. I think the ancient Mesopotamians were actually the inventors of British humour, and that was at least a decade prior to the first episode of Monty Python.

[rd500]

Hi Lady V , firstly I think you are a great catch and any guy ( even Liam) would be lucky to have you in their life.

Secondly any goals you set i have no doubt you will achieve. Look what you have had to deal with and dealt with it you did.

I'm glad your feeling a bit safer, in my experience, bullies like your H are big on talk but aren't always ready to follow through. A call to the local police re the drive bys might be in order. Never hurts to have documented proof.

The important bit i took from your post was the word happy. Fins, etc will be resolved and hopefully soon, then lady V can have the weight of H off her for good.

Take care , Rd

[Ginger1]

V- The G conned you from the beginning. He is a professional con artist. I believe this is his M.O. Sadly, nor do I think you are the last victim.I hate him for doing this to such a lovely sweet lady. I hate him even more for giving you such a horrible body image. You are datable no matter what size. I hope to God yous et those fitness goals for YOU and for the love of fitness, not to obtain some body your ex felt you should have had, society feels you should have.

Do what you want to do to make you feel good, to be healthy, but not because you find yourself not up to any guys standards.

[Dawn70]

Thank you Dawn.

Perhaps 2018 is the year we might meet?

V

Wouldn't that just be smashing, Lady V? I am sure we would have some stories to share.

[Vanilla]

RD, thank you for your kindness dearest Internet bruv. Always considerate and kind, I concerned for a very long time that you would stay attached to WW forever. When you disclosed that you had a lovely lady in your life I cheered and fist bumped the air.

You probably heard it in Dublin!

And such a lovely lady so in tune with RD..

So so pleased.

I have been alone now since Feb 14, yes I know the G didn't leave until May 15 I avoided him and we had no connection other than the abuse. And I moved out of the big house in June 14, yet still the abuse considered at an unprecedented rate.

The verbal abuse about my appearance appeared to me to get true, so as a result of steroids and that wretched tooth, finally had the drain out yesterday. My jaw has had to be rebuilt because of collapse due to my infection.

I felt as he described me, I bought it. All of it and I still have flashbacks and I have started dancing again, it's jive so it's partner dancing. Sometimes I don't turn up until 10:30 when the dance finishes at midnight. Other times I can't leave the house at all as I can't find something that looks good. My hair is very thin indeed and I am very self conscious about that too. I had a minor operation on my bladder as I had disintegrated stones trapped causing infection. It is likely the infections were as a result of sex with the G as they haven't happened since. And I am concerned that restarting an R might start that cycle again.

My finances are awful, I am as close to bankruptcy as I can get and won't be solvent until I sell the big house, which isn't happening as the market is flat for houses of this type. Paying off my L will easensure my mind a great deal too.

I think aged pa dying and the grief has set me back.

It was worth having the D and also having a trial because I now know and can never unknow the unvarnished truth. That in itself makes me fearful of any new R.

Ginger1, I understand what you are saying and empirically it makes sense. I just don't feel it. I do tell myself what the G said was nonsense, untruth and that I should detach, but I haven't done so.

I am detached from him, from that R and the thought of the G being near me repels me. Completely and I would love to pay him off and then enforce the non molestation Order. The best thing that could happen is that he reconciles with the BIT and that they marry. He stays in Italy. I fear they have split up as the G is still in the UK. The BIT birthday was a couple of days ago and they weren't in the same place and they are usually in the Caribbean for her birthday at her holiday apartment there. The cheques I sent him are in a post office in Italy, REJECTED by the resident.

I want to be free, my L paid off and the G completely out of my life. I have another hearing in March and the G is saying he wants his cash. He would like to make me bankrupt, which he can't for marital debt of course. However the Judge could decide to enforce the house sale at auction which I don't want to do. I would rather wait until the market recovers which of course it will. These things are cyclical.

So with these stresses I feel unworthy and that brings me down. At almost 64 I should be enjoying life with the future in front of me. Still it is as it is, I live each day as it comes.

A wise friend told me recently that with the fins you reach a point of comfort, you have enough and adapt. Another told me that being broke was part of the LBS condition, more so with a wayward and it's true. Even more so with an abuser.

I was lucky I managed to get the S before 5 years so the 50:50 split doesn't apply with premarital assets. However WH argued his premarital assets, proceeds of the house he sold, his pension, his redundancy were used in the M. The judged agreed even though it was the G that gambled them 820k. So now he has a slice of mine as of course I kept working, was building, paying down mortgages, building a business.

That seems unreasonable to me.

This is a vortex which creates drag bringing me down.

My dearest Internet friends without the support here I doubt that I would still be around to fight. I was very very lowell indeed in very poor health, diabetes, weight and mental state poor. In fact in May 14 I had a minor heart attack warning, just before my 60 birthday, that was when I knew everything had to change and I lurked here until I eventually started to post. Even at that point I was still set on saving my M. Even despite all the abuse and damage. I gradually learned the impossible and the NC became permanent. The first steps to piecing myself not my M.

I have literally saved myself with the support of a wonderful group of peeps on this board. RD was posting with me through the darkest night I had when my abuse counsellor told me that she could no longer counsel me. That was the abuse was so bad that she felt unable to cope, that was from the UK largest counselling unit. From that point I was helped by a domestic violence unit, indeed I have taken the Freedom programme 3 times. I have a counsellor who is a volunteer and she herself was a domestic violence abuse sufferer.

I still have support although I am no longer a high priority.

The damage persists.

I can not thank you enough RD and Ginger1 together with everyone who posts how important your support has been to me. How grateful I am to have such wonderful peeps in my life. Even if we met through this awful deal of the hand.

I do still blame myself and fear my heart is permanently broken.

V

[focus22]

My dear V

To resist the onslaught that these people aim at you requires an almost superhuman effort. I once heard it described as standing in front of a nuclear explosion with only a paper bag for your defence.

They are so sure of everything, and you are the one that doubts everything...it's no wonder it's all so difficult. And it's no wonder that the effort required is so constant, when it would seem like such a blessed relief to cave into it all.

Well, you have survived and you are here because deep down there is the tiniest, hardest, indestructible belief that you wanted to survive, that you weren't done with life, that you had more life to live. That my dear, is self belief and self worth right there. And on that, the rest of you stands. Be proud of that.

[Dawn70]

Lady V,

My heart hurts reading your words, but while you thank all the wonderful people here who have helped you, I think you don't even realize how many YOU have helped. You are a beacon of hope and strength to many, for having dealt with an awful, nasty situation with your head held high and coming out on the other side with your dignity intact and your fight still there. You might not see it, but believe me, dear lady, you ARE a fighter and it shines through in your posts. You are an amazing lady and I can only hope that I face difficult situations in my life with half the class and sass that you have. Molly and I don't even know you in real life, but we love you just the same because you are our hero. Much love and tail wags from us (hugs from me, tail wags from Moll).

[Vanilla]

Lady V,

My heart hurts reading your words, but while you thank all the wonderful people here who have helped you, I think you don't even realize how many YOU have helped. You are a beacon of hope and strength to many, for having dealt with an awful, nasty situation with your head held high and coming out on the other side with your dignity intact and your fight still there. You might not see it, but believe me, dear lady, you ARE a fighter and it shines through in your posts. You are an amazing lady and I can only hope that I face difficult situations in my life with half the class and sass that you have. Molly and I don't even know you in real life, but we love you just the same because you are our hero. Much love and tail wags from us (hugs from me, tail wags from Moll).

Your post helped me cry.

V

[Surfer]

V

You are a seriously smart lady and I owe you something of a Surfer insight. I am no didactic but I know what I know and that is this. Your heart can only be permanently broken if you let it be broken. It won’t be. Don’t let it be V. Your are a tough lady. Chin up love. Jog on.

There are some people that just deserve a big hug. That’s you my friend - a smart didactically blessed LADY! You are a tough cookie. But sometimes you need to know you are special!! You have really helped me, and for that - I thank you! You are a very special person (to me)!

Surfer.

[rd500]

Hi Lady V , i think Dawn70 said it all, you helped me for such a long time that i could never repay you and i can't wait to meet you in the real world. I read you kind and compassionate words on here and often wonder if you realise how much of a difference you make to people.

As for your fool of an ex , his description of you was a means of control and only for your generous and caring heart you would have seen it. Self image is a tough one, i see people who see themselves completely at odds with how they look and who they are but they will not be told. You are a fantastic catch for some lucky guy and you need to believe that. Keep on believing in yourself and your goals will be achievements.

Thank you for being Lady V.

Take care , Rd

[JujuB]

This type of abuse is so so so damaging. I am sorry that you are dealing with the after affects. I think marital abuse is especially hard because we trusted. And then it becomes hard to trust because we trusted wrong. Like we failed to protect and preserve our self. And its dangerous to trust our judgement.

At some level we failed at recognizing deceit and that is scary. As a result we were hurt.

The one thing I do see in your writings is that while you recognize the verbal insults and abuse your ex threw out at you, I am not sure that you recognize the verbal insults you seem to throw at yourself. (thinning hair, your weight) I do this too. But I think this might be a better resolution. Instead of focusing on the weight, to speak nicer to ourselves regardless of not being perfect. Seriously, if I never met you I would never have believed you to be the stunning and youthful woman you really are, based on the way you write about yourself...So what is your inner self picking up?

[J5K]

Dear V,

You have no idea how beautiful and strong you really are. As many have said, you have been a rock to so many of us on this site.

I wish I could hug you to give you a bit of comfort. Keep cleansing those negative things around you and fight for what you deserve.

Know that you are respected and loved.

[Vanilla]

What a lovely post J5k

You know that you are a man and a dad I admire very much. You and your bairns are often in my votive. That you have the strength and resources to enjoy your boys.

So I return that respect and love, you damn well earn every ounce of it.

Thank you

V

[Vanilla]

Ju

You know I love you very much and your crazy lively bundlemail of energy.

It is my philosophy to be as clear about my life as how I am as I can.

When I first came here I saw surviving as an oasis of calm on the board and I mistakenly thought when I get there I will be at peace. That isn't my destiny yet. My sitch is so crazy loco and unresolved, sometimes I am up and sometimes in great distress.

That is what I see, abuse patterned complex PTSD leading to periods when I am struggling to stabilise. It is usually fear driven emotionally and leads to anxiety.

Despite lots of therapy there are times when I don't sleep and largely it's because of the fin destruction in my life and failure to sell the big house.

Sleep often eludes me and sleeping tablets have the reverse paradoxical effect on me. So I just ride it out.

Plus I am tired, physically tired of staying just this side of being illiquid, of not having a life. Fed up with constantly being sued for money by the G. It feels like I am on a knife edge. And it seems unfair.

Today, my aged pa, glam sis and I had planned a Manchester United match event. I am overloaded with work.

And truly it's unfair, long working hours just to pay the bills when I should be beginning to enjoy slowing down. Sometimes like now I just resent these unfairnesses and the only place to put that is internally. To punish V, to see her as at fault.

I pick as many holes in her as everyone else put together. It is my stuck point. I want a different view. I want to let go permanently of that awful sense of the inadequate. I want to let go of the pain of not being enough, of seeing life as a struggle.

Sometimes I question why? why such struggles? And others I just go mindful and say soooooo?

I guess I haven't sorted it.

Anger I have glimpse it, briefly a couple of moments only. I would like anger to be my friend, to work with it from a joyous place. To derive energy and drive as the mighty Zues does.

My counsellor says I have so little anger, but my query is why do I have resentment? We labelled my resentment as coming from a place of fear and disgust. That isn't where I want to be.

In the darkest nights of my soul I lost complete connection with my higher spirit, it would not respond to me. I had despair deep dark ugly despair. I felt bereft my own soul had abandoned me and then I let go, it was almost joyous and that connection returned.

Ironically it was a song that brought me back, I was dancing, glam sis had asked me to a party over Xmas. Christmas Eve, she had bought tickets, frankly I wanted to be miserable old scrooge and stay to rest. I went.

This was a salsa jive event so it's partner dancing. A song came on and I was asked to dance, and did a modern jive to a song which just seemed to fit the place I was in perfectly. I lost myself entirely to the dance and music. The song was Kaleida and take me to the river. It is on my playlist.

In that moment the higher spirit held me in its arms and offered great comfort. Not abandoned at all just left to struggle alone. The loss of that great guiding voice for a few months left me empty and very lonely. Left me with little of value to myself and others. I had not understood it had given me space to start to heal. I have learned much in this period of surviving and the big thing is surviving.

We are all alone in the darkest night of the soul or feel we are, but truly that's not so. That night and period is one of deep deep awakening of parts of who we are that have laid dormant or never been awakened. Just to become one and reach to the depths of our being.

I have learned it is OK, just to be, it is OK to have a sense of self. The song I listen to most these days is Strong by LeAnn Rimes.

These songs are the sound track of my life.

My counsellor says it's perfectly possible to fix those things I feel are wrong or in the way. The resistance to not doing so is within me and serves a purpose. I am unsure what that purpose is exactly, but there must be one!

The last 10lbs, removing a scar, fixing other minor physical things. It's like a house that needs repairs, keep the repairs done and it's fine. It's the soul of the house that gives it all it is, losing my higher power was losing that. These physical things are misdirected focus, a distraction for the loss of spirit.

Onwards.

V

[Vanilla]

To be clear today's event of football was booked last September before aged pa was even ill.

Glam sis isn't going either now aged pa is dead.

V

[Vanilla]

RD

The Lady V thing always amused me.

And yes, I have a contained way, so expressing these difficulties are difficult.

Surfer describes me as cool an analytical. More phlegmatic than anything. And a little phyrric in thought and action. Edz maintained I wrote with an English accent. I guess it's true.

More light than heat, seeking to understand. I know what you mean when you perceive others as saying and we don't absorb.

It's part of the feedback loop, it's only recently that the self contained element have sought feedback.

We are a jumble of our own thoughts and actions, a connection of beliefs and misunderstandings. These abusive R isolate us and the voice we hear is only that of the critical.

I often read in newcomers- if only I had been a better W or H, if only I had tidied my closet, served spiral pasta, bought the right bacon. If only I had.......

Over and over, we say to each other, this isn't about you. Nothing you could do would make the wayward unwayward or make the abuser non abusive. All we can control is our boundaries and reactions. At its best that creates an environment for change.
If the other is just walking away then it's very different, we accept that each one of us 100% own the R and following the guides in DB is fantastic. We save ourselves.

From this I have learned that the myth you can love someone well or into best behaviour is untrue. We can assist, we can grow we can become. We take extreme care of ourselves. Always extreme care, no matter what or who we are.

So I ask myself can we love ourselves back to healthy way of being I think we can do so. We can not give what isn't within us. If our core is fine, truly we can become whole again. We can move forward.

I value the mirror reflections of others because it is so easy to only a see a distorted view. Like a circus mirror in a fun fair. I wish the bad guys went around with a big label on them "I am the bad guy" or we had prediction that person will become addicted.

We love who we love, and I have learned love is a choice, we don't have to love indiscriminately. We can choose to love an adult. Choose. That means we can choose to love ourselves too. At least to start with through the eyes of those who love us.

I tell glam sis I love her every day. It is important to me to do so. Do we give ourselves that gift? I am learning my higher power loves me and through me it can reach to comfort and enjoy. So those lovely things you see in me, I am so grateful and thankful.

More than you know dearest RD.

V

[Vanilla]

Surfer thank you.

You have the analytic too, the drive to know, the desire to understand. It is unique as a trait.

It comes in detached moments with inspiration and a little intuition. Speak in ways others can here.

It is my dear friend an insight I value. And you are very special too. A man who has grown in so many ways.

It is quite an experience seeing post traumatic growth and actually both envigorating and sort of frightening to go through.

It's like an egg becoming a crysallis, then becoming a caterpillar then becoming a butterfly.

Each phase of awakening gives trouble and frankly I keep resisting it, I sense you won't resist. It has to be, let it. You will see many things and more importantly you will see what you don't know and as a result you will go to search. This doesn't happen to many, post traumatic growth, but it has happened to you. Have you looked at Superbetter, an app aimed at post traumatic growth?

I have used it to ground me and ithe has put so much structure on this phase. That and Zombie running..........

Big hugs and thank you

V

[Vanilla]

Focus I love the metaphor, standing with a paper bag.

Yes it is.

I doubt many would understand if they haven't experienced it. Dear lovely focus, extreme self care, extreme in this phase, look after you.

Peace

V

[Dawn70]

I love what you said in your post about the songs that are in the soundtrack of your life. Music is a big part of my world and I find myself constantly adding songs to my playlist on my phone that speak to me on a deeper level in some way. For instance, in the months following my divorce, the songs that I leaned on most heavily were "Stronger" by Sara Evans and "Ain't Going Out Like That" Reba McEntire. As I was really healing, Eric Church's "Record Year" took over and to this day, that is still one of my favorites and I always say 2015 was MY record year. Now it is songs like "Heart Break" by Lady Antebellum and "Better Without You" by Suzi Oravec. What's that old saying about music soothing the savage beast? I must be much more savage than I thought. LOL

Keep on keeping on Lady V. Something tells me 2018 is going to be a good year for you.

[Surfer]

V,

I didn't look at Superbetter. I am that.

Align your thoughts to your goals is my thing.

I wrote this massive message to you, just now, and realised most of my points had been addressed by others - how good is that!!! Such support.

The one thing I will add, if you don't mind, is I think (possibly) that your set back is not about G so much, but your PA. It would (of course) - its always easier to see from the'outisde' I guess. A new grief cycle but remember Rumi? Grief is just a transient Guest as you know. Be kind (to you) acknowledge. It's hard to, it means letting go.

Your dental work is done. As are your stones. You can move on from these things more readily. As they are physical things.

The hair thing I understand too. I like to put it down to a "magnificent abundance of testosterone" (rather than inherited male pattern baldness).” I can always find a diamond in a bucket of sh!t – ha ha”. I hope that made you smile! It’s making me smile telling you my own little private ‘phrase’! Not quite “When Life gives you lemons (Forrest) make lemonade!” but I like to make myself smile – because I quite like me (now). And you should like and love ‘you’ too!!! So please do, always. Then you won’t fear a new R. But only then. Easily said, but you can and will.

I have similar worries about finances. Not the same, but similar. How will it pan out with the D etc. Where will I be etc? But I will be where I am. It’s that simple and I will make it work. So will you, so try to leave those thoughts. Let Karma deal with that. You are a clever lady, and I am very, very grateful for your help. Just focus on letting go of that. Let the Karma consultant do it for you (he/she is amazing – and never a single invoice!!!). Your wise friend is right on the money. Listen to her. You will need people like her right now until you really deal with PA being elsewhere, but always with you (the latter bit you can only embrace when you accept the former). IMHO.

Finally, the ‘damage’ only persists if you allow it to V. Horse v Rider stuff. Back in the saddle. Giddy up, V has places to go......don't you? Where is next on YOUR adventures......?

Surfer.

[Vanilla]

Dawn

I don't post much but I do have background songs for my life

During my darkest days I got hooked on a song

Limehouse Broken, just can't remember when it came into my life or how but it seemed to capture my mood.

Just recently I had a major accident during my biggest work period. A hit on the head (accident) and the headache hasn't gone.

That was Monday, today I went and had it examined. I have a contusion, minor head crack in the skull and obviously concussion. But I kept on working, even through the bleeding.

But apparently I am a superhealer and it's going to be ok. Although going to do my exercise regime wasn't a good thing to do. It bled a lot and my team said I looked like one of those zombies I run away from, except they don't have blood!

I wanted to ignore it so I did. Work comes first.

Just wanted to share something remarkable, aged pa still looking after me beyond the grave. I got his superhealer gene. So aged pa, I love you for the great genetics you handed to me.

V

[job]

I am so sorry to read of your accident. I am glad you opted to have the injury examined by a doctor. Please be careful with that injury. If the headache doesn't go away, go back to the doctor.

Your dad will always have your back.

Please, please take care of yourself.

[Dawn70]

Sweet lady V, please take care of yourself and that bump on your noggin. That is not something to mess around with. Us daddy's girls know that daddies always have our back, even when they aren't physically with us anymore and I KNOW your pa has got you in his ever-watchful eye. Take it easy a bit and let that head wound heal. You are an amazing woman, but you aren't Wonder Woman...you need to take care of your health!

Much love and well wishes from me and the furry four-legged one.

[Vanilla]

Thank you job and Dawn.

I am craving cauliflower and broccoli cheese. Fruits and vegetables Juice.

No idea why.

This is my third meal of broccoli on the run. Chased with veg juice and tomato juice with peppers and cinnamon

My body saw the packet of almonds and macadamia nuts and ate them.

WTF?

Where is the prosecco or bacon sandwich craving?

Gone.

V

[Vanilla]

I spent the day today on aged pa probate, clearing the cosy flat that was home to aged pa and ma for 30 odd years.

I collected the cDs, pictures and dvds to sort through. Pictures to scan or discard, records to record or books to read. I am the family archivist it seems.

I have spent the last few days in tears.

The charity shop clearance came for the furniture and the skip was full. Clothes donated, old food to the recycle.

I stand alone in this cosy flat now empty of dreams and laughter. It is the last time that I see it as it has been sold. I touch the walls with great sadness and grief. No more will I watch football with aged pa, eat ginger biscuits and talk about urgent health matters. This symbolises more than death and loss, I don't want to let go of aged pa but I must. It is as if he whispers to me "let go". It is hard to let go of someone you love so deeply as I love aged pa, to let go of a future dream of generations around a tree, to let go of hope of just one more year of family home.

I have one more big emotional task to agree with glam sis the wording of the grave stone and to pay for that. Tomorrow I will go to the grave to talk to aged pa. Truly he was more at the cosy flat and the cold empty outside earth is not where I want to go. In the cosy flat, aged pa seems close and I can hear him and sense his laughter. Not so at his grave, although I now own the family plot. His dream of us being reunited in it on death will fail, it is not where I want to be. The grave holds 3 and will take a further 6. I can not find aged pa at his grave.

I am lost.

V

[Vanilla]

For those who know I have music for the backdrop of my life

This is today's song


Broken
Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort
It let's me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
Barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
Tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection
Inside my eyes
That are looking for purpose
There still looking for life
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name (In your name)

V

[rd500]

Hi Lady V, wow , you paint a very sad but somehow lovely image with the memories of your dad in the empty home.

Loss is so difficult because it has to be set, we have no choice.

Right now any words i have wont help but down the road you have fantastic memories to remember. Ever since you first mentioned Aged Pa and his immediate dislike of that ex of yours and aged Pas threat to sort him out , i have been a fan. He lived a great life and raised atleast one , kind, compassionate, intelligent , tough , sensitive daughter.

I'm not religious in the slightest but i do believe his spirit is with you forever.

From your great stories and description of him , i think he is someone we all would have been lucky to have had in our lives and you got to have him as a dad, how lucky can you get.

Stay strong Lady V and take care, Rd ( huge hug )

[Painter]

Oh, dearest V, Pa is with you in your heart. You have many lovely memories in the flat, but he is not there - he lives in your heart and soul.

I lost my dad 15 years ago in another country. His birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. He was acutely and closely with me here in the US, and has never left me completely.

Just listen and feel, he will be with you when you least expect it.

Much love.

[JellyB]

Lady V, as RD said there is likely little comfort in anything any of us could say. But we walk this road with you, beside you, virtual hands and arms holding you, emanating the love we feel for you, we are mirrors of all the love you have given to each of us. Please know that you are loved and treasured beyond all words. We are here. I am here. Always your friend JellyBxxx

[JujuB]

(((V)))

[Surfer]

Hey V.

Stop banging your head please!

Perhaps you won’t really let go of aged pa until you have said goodbye with the headstone etc done?

The saying goodbye is only a token of course. You are really letting yourself move on. You will never say goodbye because you will think of him so much. Your thoughts of him will provide comfort and smiles rather than such sadnes, in time.

I promise.

Surfer.

[Vanilla]

Thank you Ju, Jellyb RD, Painter and Surfer.

I disappeared into a deep dark cave of despair.

Didn't help that I had a head bash and a very bad chest infection. I feel sometimes unable to hold it together.

Life is dull and in black and white.

Small things which never bothered me now do so. I ceased my intense exercise regime because of the chest infection and am struggling to get it going again. I lose weight very slowly, it's an ongoing battle. I also need to do a great deal of exercise and eat very little. It's the way I am made.

I feel like I aM constantly struggling financially too. The courts awarded the G a big chunk of change and it's a struggle to pay it. Sometimes I cut back on food and heat. The boiler broke and I couldn't afford the repair but a kind client temporarily resolved it for me so at least I can have heating every third day.

I am tired, very tired and weary and so looking forward to sunny days.

Still each day is a blessing. Last December I prepaid my gym for 12 months so there is a good lounge and showers here. Oh and heat.

College is a mixed bag, I have passed every exam but I always think I have failed them.......

I do feel unmotivated and lack joy of life. But I get by. I guess this is what loss does for us.

V

[rd500]

Hi Lady V, sorry to hear about your health and financial problems. You are dealing with alot and doing so with courage and determination. It's easy for you not to feel that you are but you really are. Your D seems to be taking a very long time and that is very wearing, stay strong because there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care , Rd

[kml]

V -
This sounds like clinical depression. And it's wintertime so vitamin D deficiency can contribute to seasonal depression. Are you taking vitamin D? (5,000 IU/d is often effective in this setting). Are you eating adequate protein? Do you have a light box? Have you been on antidepressants in the past?

I know it's hard to exercise right now but remember exercise is an efficient anti-depressant. Start low and slow.

As for financial things - what options are available to you right now to improve your situation? Can you push for a raise at work? Can you take in a roommate to help with the bills? (I'm always surprised at how so few people are willing to do this - it can be really helpful and much easier than working a second job.) Do you have anything you can sell to help you build up a little emergency fund?

[Vanilla]

KML

I have thought depression and I had all the blood tests, vit D was very low but is now much higher. It was 12 not 30 but is now 42 so in the normal range. I supplement B vets and omega.

My diet is superb but I am still in the overweight range despite having lost 55lbs and being a UK size 10-12 (US size 6). I was getting fitter and fitter, but aged pa being ill and hours of extra work have set me back. I have a very tiny body frame and overweight looks awful on it.

I don't have a light box, that's something I could think about. I do work and study with a daylight bulb though.

AntiDs had a paradoxical effect and made my anxiety worse, we tried three different types and sadly they didn't help. My doctors have diagnosed anxiety rather than depression and I think that's right as my cortisol level is very very high and I was tested for Cushions. Juicing and fasting does help. I gave up coffee, sugar and alcohol which also assisted. I am type 2 diabetic (genetic B37 variety and my SNPS show carb intolerance) in other words the insulin my body makes is left handed and not as functional.

Studying also helps me and I study at my gym which gets me out and about. Recently there was a problem with my course 4 of the students were caught cheating via a WhatsApp group and the course was suspended. That may mean it's uneconomic for the college to run as there are so few of us left, although the tutor for this phase is prepared to complete her section. That has got me down a great deal too. And means 5 exams are going to be crushed into a short period. Hi Ho!

I love dancing but feel unmotivated sometimes to go, I criticise my own efforts a lot. A great deal of negative self talk which I also tell myself off. I know better than that! So it's back to the drawing board with mindfulness and meditation. I also have the genes for endurance so building other than slow twitch muscle is almost impossible. This V was built to be athletic like aged pa.

I work for myself with my own business and I employ 9 people, so it's important I work very hard. The G stripped the business of all of its cash and left it heavily in debt, he keeps suing for this and that. I fight back but it's expensive, initially I paid him off and kept paying, it was a mistake. I was both frightened and intimidated although now I am not so much. Latest was a large sum he wanted because "you have taken the p*** in paying me and there was no redundancy money". I counter claimed for overpaid sums, unrepaid loans and destruction of business assets. When I have completed my course then I can self represent. I have joined the self represented litigants society.

I have a house mate, it's my clever nephew although he will soon move on to a new assignment. It was intended that aged pa would come when he left hospital, but that is not to be. I will decide soon what I want to do. The big house is up for sale although I would like one more year. The G was going to appeal his settlement but stupidly let time run out and it was dismissed.

Somehow I manage to sneak over the finish line by working long hours. I just want rid of the G. I want him gone, gone, gone. I want the silent calls stopped, the drive by my home, the endless legal action and demands for money. He sued because he and the BIT had no where to live and he had a housing 'need'. Like 25 I had a PI in Italy and found they were living in her house!

It's wearing and unnecessary. It's endless chap, it's distracting and it's costly to fight.

I am not D yet, the G objected to it because he thought he could blackmail me into giving him more cash. I can't unilaterally D him until May 2020 as he keeps objecting. It's just endless cr*p constantly. The trouble is I never know where the next legal attack is coming from. And it costs, costs, costs...........

The last spate had me going back to court to extend the non molestation order to keep him away from me. He sits outside the house and glowers at it. According to him and he haunts the village when he is in the UK, the fact he hasn't had a settlement 'to set him up' has stressed his R with the BIT, means he can't have a UK home and visit his family. He is going to 'pay me back for this'. This is because I am very rich lied to the court and deprived him. If only...........


On the other hand, his golf buddies tell me the G is pretending he has landed on his feet with the BIT! Which is it G, rich BIT or poor G?

Everyday seems like treacle sometimes.

Grief is the icing on the cake. I miss my aged pa every day.

One day at a time. On May 2 2018 certain deadlines will pass and I am expecting preemptive strikes by the G prior to that.

This is the worst period since I left in June 2014.

V

[JujuB]

V.

Its hard to offer advise because it seems like you are doing everything you possibly can to better your situation. Good self care, furthering your education, hard work, GAL, good legal protection and knowledge.

G is relentless and a huge stress factor. The challenge is finding a way to minimize the mental agony he causes so that you can enjoy life. I know. Not easy. Its like trying to enjoy a lovely picnic on a beautiful day with great friends but with this fly that keeps coming around. Ugh.

Know that we are here for you

Hugs!!!

J

[Vanilla]

Thank you Ju

Shift happens in a moment, of course it does.

At the moment I want shift. I work hard and critics myself for not doing enough, or doing enough of the right things.

My chest is very infected and I am tired, I push through it as my standard response. This time I chose sleep as a different mechanism. It wasn't better as a stance and now I am so behind, won't do that again!

So much to do and I can't get going, a friend has invited me to go away for a few days and that is my next choice. Do I go or do I work?

I will go and do some work but only for three days.

V

[job]

Vanilla,

I am so sorry that you are having some issues w/your health. The stress of everything is really taking a toll on your body.

I'm glad to read that you are going to go away w/a friend. You need a change and a bit of rest to recharge your battery.

Please take care of yourself.

[Dawn70]

Lady V...I can't alleviate your stress, but I can tell you that I keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you find a way to get back on track. Take care of yourself, lady!

[rd500]

Hi Lady V , as others have said, not really able to offer any sage advice. The break with a friend sounds like a good idea. The stress you are under is very tough and while you know it will end one day , it is taking a long time. Lots of people are rooting for you and will continue to do so.

Take care , Rd

[RAI]

Hi Lady V!!!

Sounds like you are really taking up a lot of space in Gs head.I think you will always have the upper hand because you have something that G will never have: you are loved by so many. Money issues, health issues, relationship issues; none of us - including G - will be spared, but at least you are loved. At the end of the day, that will make all the difference.
Also, with the advantage of not being on the board too frequently, I noticed a slight change in the tone of your posts. Sure G is a menace, but it does not seem like you carry the same fear of him you once did. I remember the drive-bys, anonymous texts, and stalking behavior of OM all too well. But, they stopped when I stopped feeding them. It sounds like he escalates his behaviors whenever he wants to draw you in. Don't get drawn in!

All the best, and thanks for checking up on me.

RAI

[Vanilla]

Job

My lovelyrics friend has booked us into the Aqua Sana tomorrow and today we are staying in a luxury villa.

The 'Beast' from Siberia is due with snow and ice for three days. On my way here I called at Sainsbury and stocked up on lovely ingredients. Beautiful bread, fish, fresh pasta, veg, salads and cheese. Most of it on discount.

I bought some great wine.

So if we are locked in then I will cook some special meals. Tonight I cooked taggetelli with prawns, monk fish in spicy tomato sauce served with basil and steam green vegetables. Tomorrow I plan to serve Thai chicken with stir fry satay vegetables.

My friend loves my food. The very food the G said was horrid.

It's very pleasing, every country I go to then I make time to learn some cuisine from local chefs. I love that dynamic. I have travelled the spice route and marvel at the delights to be found in every corner of the world.

RD I hope it will end sooner than later. I am very weary of it.

RAI, I am thrilled at your news but as always I treat each of my tribe with care. Please don't rush, take your time, be sure, be very sure. Enough said. I have always admired RAI as a father and man and you are very precious to me. I love the peeps in my tribe and enjoy hearing their up dates. You are right my voice is less afraid of the G. It might be a false bravado as there have been threats although so far they have been limited to legal threats. I was worried when the G split with the BIT, although he may have moved on or even hoovered her back. I am uncertain, his recent pictures show a different woman? Hard to tell, but he is in Italy still I think but returns to the UK often, something is afoot ........

I doubt this will stop as I am NC and the G needs funds.

All my friends tell me I should start to date and I am getting to thinking about it!

I tell myself not too long before I can get free.

More sleep calls.

V

[Vanilla]

Lady V...I can't alleviate your stress, but I can tell you that I keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you find a way to get back on track. Take care of yourself, lady!

Dawn, my lovely beautiful friend, thank you.

V

[Vanilla]

Today is stillness and meditation. A spa treatment and massage. I am resting my aching bones and chest.

I had a sinus massage to ease the aching in my head and release my nasty ears. More good food and pleasant wine planned.

A very very dear friend has lifted me from the doldrums and lets me cook for her, my pleasure ma'am. We are talking, my isolation and hibernating ending.

She tells me it's time to get out into the world and start taking chances again. I say that I will plan on it. It is going to be that way. Thinking hard I will do meetups and go dancing.

I was once the GAL queen scoring GAL points and it worked to warm my soul. So it will be again.

V

[JellyB]

Lovely Lady V

Good news indeed. This warms me heart to read.

Having been a long time Experiencer ( I don't say Sufferer - as it disempowers me; it victimises me) of depression and low mood, I see the pain you have been going through for the last two years. You held my hand through many depressive episodes and was my light on many many a dark night.

It is easy to only see ourselves as our depressive pain; to own it because somehow it seems easier. It ends up owning us; defining us. However it is not true.

You are so much more than your pain and depression; you so are much more than the trauma and target of an abuser. There is no longer a good reason I think for defining yourself as such. Circumstances are too are such, but do they do not need to define Lady V, I think not.

You are a woman of great gumption and talent and great enthusiasm; great fun; these parts of yourself have become unknown, unseen, blurred to your own vision. But just for a time; there is remembering to be done, experiencing of yourself in all your fullness.

I Rise; I Rise...let the caged bird sing.

So much love for you my darling friend.

JellyXXX

[sandi2]

Thinking hard I will do meetups and go dancing.

You go, girl!

[RAI]

RAI, I am thrilled at your news but as always I treat each of my tribe with care. Please don't rush, take your time, be sure, be very sure. Enough said. I have always admired RAI as a father and man and you are very precious to me. I love the peeps in my tribe and enjoy hearing their up dates.

I am happy to have good updates. Thanks for the advice not to rush. I don't think there is anything that is truly "sure" anymore. But I am as sure as can be. Whether good times or rough times, life is definitely an adventure.

I am happy to hear that you are returning to your GAL activities. (((Vanilla)))

RAI

[J5K]

V,

I would take you out anytime you wished!

[job]

I am very happy to read that you managed to get away for a bit. It's time that Vanilla looked out for herself and enjoy life's simple pleasures. You are under so much stress and work very hard to keep your head above water. I hope and pray that you will be able to finally breathe and relax a bit in the days ahead.

[Vanilla]

V,

I would take you out anytime you wished!

That would be wonderful and of course the boys can come too.

V

[Vanilla]

Jellyb

I know how tough it is to walk to the pain. I do believe that facing this pain allows us to transcend it. It makes great sense to heal as well as we can.

I am so blessed with loving family and friends. It is such a gift to be given so much love and kindness. I am full of gratitude.

It is very wintery here in the UK, I took a sauna and then went into the snow and ice to waken my senses. The contrast is envigorating and creates great wakefulness. I am glad that the season of pain and grief is a shared one. That those who understand the troubles of loss also understand the joy of healing.

The one thing this whole awful mess has given me is the chance to understand the dynamic of sharing authenticity.

I made a decision that I would be authentic and share the good and bad of life. It is raw and hurtful, like a bad graze that's infected with an itchy scab. Sometimes that's very hard because it is my nature to be contained and reserved. So it's a struggle to share.

I fear the damage I might do by this although I know from my own lurking and reading that only half a story is of little assistance. There are many happy endings here although they are rarely the expected ending. Your story and journey is one such for in being you and walking to your pain then you have had the glimmer and eventually the realisation of yourself.

For truly this journey is about ourselves and our healing. It is those loving giving souls on our path that support us in our search for self, to become the best we can be. We can but accept and pay it forward.

Jellyb you are a very important peer in my life, one of my tribe capable of loving dreams and with a wonderful future to come. An empath with an open heart, I once gave you a symbol of your heart, pink and glorious. I know the struggles, the illness and the work on healing. The self doubt and questioning which is a part of growth.

Some times I fear I am cursed and it saddens me. Those choices I made that I would so want to unmade, but to undo those would mean different losses and because of this alone my path would not be changed.

I have tried to forgive the G for fear I will not be forgiven. I know that I have no forgiveness in my heart in that quarter, but I know I no longer want karma and to chop his liver into pieces. I am reaching a place of indifference, which is down the road from detachment. I no longer will even observe.

So be it.

V

[rd500]

Hi Lady V, your last paragraph is the secret to moving forward. You don't need to forgive but you do need to get to indifference.

Also you are far from cursed, I'm not going to list the positives in your life because I know you are aware of them deep down.

Stay strong , Rd

[Vanilla]

Hi Lady V, your last paragraph is the secret to moving forward. You don't need to forgive but you do need to get to indifference.

Also you are far from cursed, I'm not going to list the positives in your life because I know you are aware of them deep down.

Stay strong , Rd

RD, my Internet bruv who has chatted and encouraged in dark days, your generous gift of Internet nieces and nephews are so lifting to my soul.

If I could gather all my tribe at the big house and have a party in the Orchard with all your crew, J5k and his lovely boys, Edz and his cat, Jellyb, Zues and his cues, RL, Cadet, Joe, my FB tribe, Sotto, Pink, Zelda, GG, PP, Sunny, Dawm, OD, and everyone who loves them....

I would be so so happy

So very very happy

Even Doodler could come to lead the dancing with job and Sandi

V

[Vanilla]

So it's time to think about getting back to dating:

The ever insightful Wonka advised when I was ready I should ask the universe for what I want and then behave as if that person was already in my life

So here goes my new partner and there will be a vision board (no face of course attached to this as it would mess with another and that is unfair)

Free, my new partner is free to be with me, not in any kind of R including any addiction or commitment

Healthy, my new partner is healthy and active, glowing in fact, they look after themselves, eat well and exercise, they love to dance and are interested in the world

Loving, my new partner is loving and caring, has a loyal family and friends

Financially sound, my new partner is independent and free of fin burdens

Happy, my new partner is happy and willing to explore the world, laughs a lot and has a great sense of humour

Physical, my new partner loves the physical side of an R, physical touch and enjoys regular sex

Attractive and well groomed, my partner and his tidy clean home looks after himself, takes care of himself and enjoys social activities

Has their sh*T together, is committed to personal growth and is excited by life and it's possibilities

Fits easily into my life and visa versa, can communicate and is emotionally sound, is excited to be with me

----------------------------

I have begun to realise to have this person in my life then I must be the type of person working to become the above

From today I will behave as if this person is already in my life, I will make the space for this R.

I look forward to meeting my new partner.

V

[rd500]

Hi Lady V , so glad you are approaching this so positively. Your critia sounds great and don't settle for less, remember your the catch here , much like I told Sotto, you are the prize and the gentleman you pick to share your life will be a very very lucky guy.

Is there an online application form ?, I'm not quite there is some categories but you could keep my CV on file !!!!

Positivity is the correct and only road, i see many on here who seem to take a few steps on that road but always head back down the negative road at the first hurdle. You have picked the right road and stay on it regardless. You have the strength and the determination, your Pa gave them both to you in your genes.

Stay strong, Rd

[Vanilla]

RD, you always know the right things to say.

Afraid the application forms is a paper one....

I am an old fashioned girl

But I know my special RD meets all the categories so no filing needed!

RD you do have a real excellent point about aged pa and the genes. It goes with stuborness I guess.

V

[Vanilla]

Final Goodbye to the G

Yesterday I forwarded the last cheque in settlement to you. The last of my resentment settled with every pound I paid.

I married for love, you married for money and kept on taking. When I would not give you took and stole. You used abuse tactics and you really frighten me.

So what have I learned from you and being with you?

I have learned how strong I am, I have learned I am a survivor. I have learned to love me more.

Love is never wasted, that love I had was real and a wonderful thing. Precious and it's your loss not mine. I still have that love.

I have learned how to recognise these flags and how to stay out of trouble. I have a very close connection to family and friends. I have learned who is my tribe. I have learned it is OK to be V with all her faults and foibles. I have learned to receive love and to be authentic. I have learned to walk to the pain. I have learned how to choose love even when I am in pain.

So G, goodbye. I have no doubt that you will come after me for money again as you have said so and I will fight you like I will fight any unfair attack. As if you were any other obnoxious being.

I do not forgive you, I have no need, when you are faced with your mortality then ask your higher power to forgive you. Not my concern. I neither wish you well or ill. I hope you behave better for the sake of those around you but really it is not my concern.

Goodbye, farewell, adios, go away and stay away.

I am breathing and have moved on.

Completely done.

V

[Vanilla]

So dating adventures

I have my first date on Sunday for swimming and coffee.

He is young, 39!

But it's just a date and I could be making a friend.

V

[job]

Vanilla,

He may be young, but age is just a number. Go and have some fun. You owe it to yourself to just relax and enjoy swimming and a coffee w/someone new. He could turn out to be a really good friend.

[Ginger1]

Yeah girl, go get em'!

[bttrfly]

banana sling or skinny dipping ??? with proseco???

[kml]

Age IS just a number. My experience dating younger men was that they really appreciated a confident woman who could carry an intelligent conversation.

Only one had any issues of any kind (he was raised in a cult - a different location but the same cult that River Phoenix grew up in - and was still trying to find his place in normal society.) Even he though was excellent company and quite sweet.

Of course, if you were to get involved in any kind of long term relationship, it would be important that despite the age difference, you were in the same place in life. For instance, a 39 year old guy who has never had kids but wants them is an obvious bad choice. But a 39 year old who is sure he never wants kids or who had kids at 18 and is done raising them might be in just the same place as an older woman.

[Coconut]

Have fun on your date V, always nice to have a day of fun getting to know someone.

[Vanilla]

Time for a new thread, pop on over to Vs

We are going to have lots of GAL

And thread parties

Just a Vanilla Change 36

V