New beginnings

[Coconut]

I'm really envious of those that are able to keep the family home when all is said and done. My ex and I make about the same amount of money, and neither of us could afford to keep it on our own, but selling did allow me to go debt free which has made life a lot more fun... But now while I look at my life going forward, I'm struggling with the idea of buying a place and picking up a new mortgage this late in life or dealing with the cost/inconvenience of moving every couple of years..

A few posts ago you mentioned not knowing yet how you felt about the D being final, I hope you have found a kind of peace in it. I was upset/angry leading up to the D hearing, but I have found peace in that R no longer being a consideration in my life.

[focus22]

Thank you guys. It was really lovely to come back from the dentist and find your replies.

As I thought, because I had cracked the tooth the only option was for it to come out.

I had three choices: have it done there and then; wait until I got another appointment (which would probably have been in a week); or go somewhere where they specialised in sedation as I suffer from very bad anxiety (I almost had a panic attack as I was waiting to go in, was shaking and I could feel myself getting tearful in the chair).

I couldn't really stand any more tension or anticipation (or pain for that matter), so I just decided to have it done there and then.

I'm now starting to recover from the anaesthetic and have taken two prescription strength codeines to dull the pain. I've been doing some gentle tidying and organising in the house to keep me busy.

Anyway, it's done and I'm on the path to being pain free again. I'll feel better still tomorrow.

Today was one of those days where you just had to do what you had to do and keep going. I know I can help myself a little more on days like this by doing some of the humdrum everyday tasks that always need doing around the house.

[focus22]

Aw man, what an awful night. Barely any sleep and the pain was pretty bad...all up the side of my head, into my ear and across the front of my mouth. That was with the codeine.

Unsurprising, I guess, considering where the tooth was and the size of the roots.

Well, I found a guided meditation on YouTube and listened to it a couple of times.

Today? Better, although my jaw is still so still and sore I can barely open my mouth (barely even to eat some lukewarm soup) and that side of my face is swollen. And the taste at the back of my mouth is horrible.

I treated myself to some of my favourite shoes (nude pink, leather, Italian trainers I found in the sale). I Have a grey leather pair and I wear them constantly. Nude pink is another of my favourite colours.

Well, today is also one year to the day that I met the very wonderful and handsome man I'm with now. I just took delivery of the most beautiful flowers that he had arranged to be sent to my house. I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed.

I really love how he conducts himself, which is actually who he is through and through: thoughtful, loving and meaningful.

I have the feeling of trusting him completely, which I never had before - not even with my XH. And I remember being aware of this well before we were even M. This just feels very stable and solid, and very, very calm and peaceful. A year has gone past and it's been the easiest thing in the world being together.

And also the most exciting, discovering new things together and things that I never would have considered doing. I'm a thinker (and an over thinker), he's very practical and sensual (as in, of the senses). We're both makers and both artists.

I feel very grateful to have met him at this point in my life (rather than 20 years ago). I'm not sure I would have appreciated this very lovely, calm, peaceful thing that we have. And I'm not sure that I would have understood it either.

I feel very happy to be where I am now, and am feeling a great sense of peace. I feel that I've put myself beyond the reach of where XH can do anything to hurt me, which is something that I wanted from the very start of this whole process. I pushed myself hard and fast along that route, putting as much distance, emotionally, as I could between us. It feels like the effort has been superhuman. But it feels worth it, standing where I am now, feeling safe in myself and feeling solid in myself.

[focus22]

Ah...I'm annoyed at myself.

And I see that I have work to do in letting myself be very vulnerable and learning to accept love and letting that accepted love flow freely though myself!!

It's not just now, as a result of what's happened. But a life lesson.

[devvo]

When we have been badly disappointed by people who told us they loved us it must surely make accepting love from anybody else a little more difficult. It's sensible to be a bit more vigilant, cynical and distrustful of others. When you've got fresh scars you try hard to make sure you protect them.

Sometimes we need to listen to that alarmist Henny Penny in our minds who sees red flags and hears undertones. Mostly, we need to tell him/her to calm down and be as positive as possible. Don't be too hard on yourself - your divorce is still quite fresh - and even though your XH left a wee while ago it is very understandable if it reopened a wound or two.

[focus22]

Thank you devvo. Much appreciated.

We had a nice chat about what we missed from our M (he was also M, and his partner also had an A. His D was 7 years ago though).

Anyway, I said it was quite hard for me to talk about, as it had been overshadowed by by last 5 years of behaviour. But I answered genuinely, and welled up a bit talking about it. He said that it was OK for me to be a bit upset, as it had obviously been important and meant something to me. He said he would have been more concerned if I hadn't had that reaction.

We've done a few things together that a couple of years ago I never thought I would ever do (hello, rock climbing?!!). He's a very naturally physical person, with great confidence and ease in his physical self. Me, not quite so much. It goes a more circular route with me, involving my head. Once I understand it in my head, and break it down and practice the moves individually, I can assimilate it and do it.

We went back to the rock climbing yesterday. I was finding a few things difficult, including the height, so he gave me a few pointers. It felt really lovely. And I was able to get to the top of three climbs with ease and without being frightened by the height at all.

I've never let anyone help me like that before, and it felt really good. I told him.

This feels like a partnership. This feels like a relationship of equals. I told him that too. He said he feels the same way.

I told him that I felt I had been second best in my M (which was true: second best to alcohol, second best to OW plural, particularly in the last 5 years). I now know that I had also allowed myself to be second best, which was my mistake.

He said that he had put himself second to his W in their M. She had been the ambitious, striving one and he said that he was happy to take a back seat to that, but hadn't put his own needs forward enough.

It's interesting, having gone through all of this sheds **a totally** different light on Rs (including the one that you have with yourself). There's a depth and stillness, and gentleness and appreciation, that I never imagined even existed.

It's probably also heightened by the chaos that's preceded it all, and I can see how intensely adrenaline fuelled things were..and that just seemed like normality to me!

No wonder my physical self went into overdrive with the stress of it all.

[Vanilla]

You are doing well sweet lady.

V

[focus22]

Thank you

Well, as soon as the D was finalised, XH cancelled the monthly mortgage payments into my account...lol!

I've been checking every month since he ran away in October 2015 and and they've gone in every month, without fail.

End of January this year, none. And I checked again today, none.

So he hadn't just forgotten about it as I sort of suspected he might have done. Maybe that was his way of assuaging his guilt over everything...paying my mortgage on my house until the D was finalised? Who knows?

And who cares really. I'm so far along this particular path that the point from where I started seems lost in the mist. And I'm not particularly interested in untangling what's there, and far behind me now. I might give an occasional glance backwards, but I have no intention whatsoever in stopping moving forwards.

[focus22]

Forgot to mention some of my other updates...the mortgage one was just on my mind as it was the most recent.

My cracked molar is out, I've been back to the dentist and she said the gum is healing nicely. Normal service is resumed and I can eat crunchy food again. Very happy about that

She said that she can also fix the bits that I chipped off the back of my front teeth by grinding them at night. You can see from the front that there's not something quite right at the moment, but only if you know what you're looking for. I feel really happy about that as it was affecting my confidence a little bit and I guess I still felt a little angry that I was having to deal with that. Anyway, I have an appointment in the diary for that now.

I'm considering getting the clear thing to straighten your front teeth (mine are ever so slightly crooked, as my retainer fell off shortly after they were sorted first time round (many, many years ago). I'll wait until after my next appointment and make a time for a consultation to see what's involved. The consultations are free, so it would only be my time that is involved.

I feel proud of myself. I've always been utterly terrified of the dentist (to the point of almost having a panic attack when I was there, and the dentist suggesting I get the sedation drip thing). So yeah, I feel proud of myself.

I found a loving kindness guided meditation on Youtube to listen to. And really focussed on listening to that for my own benefit. I felt great again afterwards, very gentle, soft and deserving of my own (and other's) love and kindness.

Love and kindness and gratitude are the way forwards for me, for sure...

[Coconut]

Focus, I'm with you on fear of dentist syndrome, it's plagued me since I was a kid and had an evil dentist, I think he enjoyed giving pain to kids. Anyway, in my mid 20's I lost my insurance and didn't go for awhile, then it was so tough to talk myself into going back (knowing my teeth weren't in the best shape), but once I went back once I kept going every couple of weeks until everything was fixed. Each trip made me feel a little more confident, and eventually I lost my fear and go regularly for cleanings and such.

Hopefully you are able and were prepared not to receive the money for the mortgage, kind of crappy for him not to give you a heads up, but if that was money outside the D settlement, awesome for you.