Just popping in to say it's Christmas day here now. I hope that everyone here finds peace and serenity (at some point at least) today.
I have today off work. Yesterday was really busy, but I had a couple of hours after we finished work to sit and share a few drinks with some of my work colleagues. The wonderful man I'm seeing came along as well. We had a wonderful few hours.
This morning he's driving to his XW's house (a couple of hours drive away) to see his two grown up kids open their presents and spend a couple of hours with them, before driving back here to spend the rest of Christmas day here. We're going to cook together, chat, unwrap our presents and share some very lovely food. He's told me that he hasn't been this excited about Christmas since his kids were small.
I'm feeling unbelievably calm and happy (even though I'm utterly exhausted from a very, very busy month).
He's very different from me in personality and life experiences, and I'm learning a lot about life and living and seeing the world differently. I really like that.
I also really like that he is so self sufficient...he knows how to deal with the outside world as an adult (run his life and his house). I always felt in my M, that I was the one doing the boring adult stuff and my STBXH wasn't doing any of that (right down to *all* of the housework, and organising paying the bills). I did ask him to help me, time and time again, but I guess I should have insisted more in some way...although I don't quite know how.
Do I see myself sharing more of my life with this wonderful man? Yes, definitely. I'd like to see how we negotiate things together as well. I guess that's what we're doing every day though: small things, some slightly bigger things, holidays, work, the time we each spend doing our own things...
The only times we've had in almost a year where it's felt a little difficult were over a couple of things. We chatted about it during and afterwards, and I can see how much worry and stress I've carried over from the issues in my M (alcohol and cheating). I can also see how much I need to be open to move forwards in my life.
The bottom line is that I really need to trust myself, and believe that I can handle any situation I'm in practically and beyond that, also learn from it.
Oh, and the day after tomorrow (the 27 December) the first part of my D is final. It's final, final a short time after that, at the start of January, and I'll get the paperwork through the post.
I have another two weeks until they post me the paperwork and it's finally final.
I haven't lifted a finger in sorting this, and STBXH has no clue as to what my thoughts or feelings on it were/are as I didn't engage in any communication with him about it. Not even to say if I agreed or disagreed with it.
Not that it would have mattered to him obviously. More for myself: my thoughts and feelings on it are for me and this that I choose to share them with.
I'm ill at the moment. A combination of being very tired through work and meeting lots of the general public. Last night I was absolutely drenched in sweat. It feels like I'm getting rid of something in my body, like a toxin of some sort. I'm feeling better today.
STBXH and OW? Well, she's working on Broadway at the moment, working on something until March. I'm guessing he's there too. I doubt he's working though, probably playing house husband with the child while she's at work.
How do I feel about that? I guess it still rankles me about being replaced by 'the new sparkly thing'. And who could possibly compete with an incredibly successful (nationally and internationally), multi award winning, bright young thing.
But then again, the only person that was pitting us against each other was him. So to accept that comparison would be to accept the rules of his game.
And the funny thing is, that in the past, up to this point, I was never one to compare myself to other people and to feel that I was somehow in competition with them in some way, in any part of my life. I'd never really even given it much thought. I have always been much more interested in doing my own thing and looking inwards to push myself harder and further.
Maybe that's one of the reasons that I've felt so darn uncomfortable with the feeling that I've been put into this situation? And it made me so physically unwell for a good few years at least (which I'm still suffering the consequences of on various levels)? And hated it so much, and felt so angry about it all? It just runs completely contrary to the very essence of what I'm about.
And maybe that's a very good starting point for a good, strong boundary too, as it's one of my absolute core values.
Did STBXH know that he was doing this? I honestly don't think he was that aware and self reflecting. But what a hideous, hideous thing to do to someone. That person that you'd promised to love and cherish, in sickness and in health. What a betrayal.
I've never really realised this before. What a gift, on this day.
A glamorous pus on Broadway? OK that's external, rotten on the inside. And beside sparkle always rubs off when the next tryst becons.
It's the name of the game. I can cast iron guarantee that sparkly young things move onwards and upwards, look at the 'golden' couples whose R began with infidelity.
Hmm, sparkly is as sparkly does. Drama is drama.
And you brave heart are the real deal. In due course diamonds outshine glitter. Even tiny uncut diamonds are worth more than glitter ball shine.
Can I talk about the body thing and how this pain expresses itself through the body, I would like to recommend Bessel van der Kolk and the book the body keeps the score together with his youtube talk how to detoxify the body from trauma. Extreme self care required in this. Extreme, putting you first.
This stuff makes us ill, fat, thin, badly nutrition, allergy, inflammation etc etc...... stress and trauma can kill or at minimum makes us unwell. And uses up resources in the body, each of us is unique, some eat badly or not at all, others drink or use substances, yet others get obsessive or depressed. This DB process has a great benefit in that we concentrate on becoming the best we can be. This means becoming well, fit, happy, healthy and doing this with SHIFT not change.
Dearest one, extreme self care, extreme. You are worth it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Ah, reading your words about self care was like a gentle balm. As soon as I read your reply, I knew that I absolutely **had** to put that advice into action.
So I found a guided meditation on YouTube and listened to that. And then, something I've never done before, I made up a massage oil for myself for after my bath. I added my favourite essential oils into it (citrus), and massaged it into my arms, legs and shoulders after I came out my bath. I almost cried with relief of doing something so gentle and kind for myself.
One more day until the D paperwork is posted out to me.
I've had a few strange dreams over the past week (including one where STBXH poured a mystery clear gel like substance onto one of my hands. It turned into a dark, viscous liquid that was slowly corrosive, and which I had to try and get off in some way).
I have finished my latest piece of work and am currently resting. I'm planning on taking it extremely easy for the rest of January (and possibly February too). I'm going to work slowly and consistently, just a little each day. And I'm going to focus majorly on health too: meditation, yoga and running, always looking my best, and time for recuperative and restorative leisure activities.
As soon as the D paperwork is in my hands (which I guess will be early next week at the latest), I'm heading to the bank to pay off the rest of my mortgage. That's one of the things I wanted to do as part of this whole process - achieve a good level of security by owning my house outright.
My R with my wonderful man is a revelation. I can see now how superficial (in the emotional sense) my R with my STBXH was. There really wasn't much compromise from him, if he wanted to do something, then he did it. He did do it with my support a lot of the time, and a part of that was because I am very easy going (although he probably wouldn't say that...lol!). I really do believe in letting people do what they want to do. The only exception would have been his drinking and his affairs.
Anyway, yes...superficial. Looking back, there didn't seem to be much negotiation or compromise on his part, or even the possibility of any acknowledgement of that either. Latterly, STBXH did ask me on more than one occasion if I thought he was a psychopath. I had no idea why he was asking me that at the time and I found the question a bit ridiculous, although now it's clear...that was a question about morals and conscience. And for the matter, no he wasn't a psychopath.
Would I be attracted to him now? No, never. There would be too much flashiness, too much hot pursuit. That's not flattering really.
I know from looking at his bank statements, that that was how he pursued OW after he left. And I reckon she was totally bowled over by it, just like I was when we met all those years ago. Perhaps even more so, as he was prepared to cheat on his W of many years for her...the ultimate flattery. And I've actually just had a very funny realisation: when they started this affair she was the same age that I was when I met STBXH. There's a thought.
Well, I'm going to get up and start my very peaceful day now. Thank you all for your love and support. Will probably check in again soon.
I wish you joy and peace. A glowing lovely focus please check in and let us know you are OK, had a glass of bubbles to celebrate that mortgage being paid off, pink from the warm bath and oil.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Well, today is the day the D paperwork gets posted out. How am I feeling? Strangely neutral. Perhaps I'll feel something more once I actually **see** the paperwork in front of me? Who knows. I'll deal with whatever feelings I have when the time comes. Maybe I'll go for a run and then a hot bath to give me some time and space to process whatever comes up.
I did some yoga and some additional stretching for my back yesterday. And man, it felt really good to be back in touch with my body again after the past month of hard, hard work. More today.
A celebration, you say, V? Why yes...what a brilliant idea. Perhaps I can also celebrate another milestone in becoming my own person as well.
Just patiently waiting for my final D paperwork to come through the post...
I did a little ratching about on FB yesterday. STBXMIL has changed her cover photo to just the black rectangular box and has hidden (at least from me, maybe from everyone...who knows?) all her photos except three. They're of an award cup.
Now, this is total speculation, I know...but it feels like there's something going on with her. I think my STBXH was the golden boy in the family, and I think his behaviour has hit her really hard. She's a little religious, but also has/had very deep-rooted beliefs about good, honest and decent behaviour. I would even go so far as to say that they're at the very core of her being. I would guess that she's lagging way behind both of us (myself and STBXH) in the whole grieving process.
I *think* that while STBXH has been living it up, and is currently in NY with OW, she's been sorting out the D paperwork for him.
The forms came from the court that's local to their address, and STBXH's address was given as their house. I know from a comment that someone made in passing that he had moved down south (to England...London I'm guessing) to be with her.
It would make sense. I remember STBXMIL asking me to help me sort of his car insurance a while after he'd left - which, as per usual, he'd left to the very last day to renew. The letters had come to my house and I was at work the day that STBXMIL texted me about it and wanted to drive up from her home town immediately to collect them. I remember that she was a bit annoyed when I said that I wasn't available.
And I remember her asking me to sort out his proxy vote, about six months after he'd left, as he was away on tour at the time. Once again, he'd left it to the very last minute - something like the very day that the application would have had to have been submitted. It would have involved me filling out the form, scanning it over to him for him to sign, him scanning that signed version back to me and then me submitting it. I just ignored her email for a bit and then she emailed again shortly after, saying apologetically that she thought it would all be too last minute and too much for me to do.
And I remember letters from the Inland Revenue coming to my house after he'd left from as he obviously hadn't paid his taxes (which makes me think that he hadn't submitted his tax return). Was that maybe as late as in the spring if 2017? He'd always been verging on the negligent on submitting his tax return in the past. It was only because we had the same accountant and I would always do mine on time, that he would also submit his. I remember it was always a pain trying to get him to sort his out, and I feel like it took a lot of emotional energy from me.
It's funny...I know that I contributed to the way he became, but he was always like that to start with.
I remember when we were planning on getting married he said that it would all be sorted in 'three phone calls'. Bearing in mind we had a church wedding, a reception and wedding breakfast at a venue about 30 minutes from the church and an evening reception an hour away, which we bussed everyone back from. How much of that did he help with? You guessed it...
There's a big part of me that enjoys doing practical things and sorting things out. So it was relatively easy for me to do those things that he obviously didn't enjoy doing or seem to have a knack for.
I did **all** the housework as well. I'm not joking when I say that he maybe cleaned the bathroom twice in the 16 or 17 years we were living together. He would do the dishes occasionally and take the rubbish down occasionally as well. But that's it. I did **everything** else, always.
When did it become more of a problem? I'm not sure.
I did usually bring it up, the division of housework thing, that it was a problem for me that I seemed to be doing it all and he was out having a good time and getting drunk. And I told him how it made me feel. But he just seemed to ignore me. There was never a 'what can I do to help' sort of thing from him. He would just carry on as before after I said how I felt.
I'm not sure if he ever appreciated, let alone even noticed, that I was doing all those things for him and for us. I think he sort of took them for granted and expected them to be done. Maybe that was the starting point of the problem. Familiarity breeds contempt sort of thing. Then he became angry at me for doing those things for him, for being 'controlling' and for cramping his style.
I can see how completely selfish his behaviour was now that I have some distance. My mum said something to me in passing a couple of days ago, which has maybe made me think about it all again. She said she was pleased that I am with someone so thoughtful now, who appreciates me. That's all she's said about STBXH and the whole situation.
All of the D stuff is total speculation and none of it, including STBXH not doing adult stuff, is my problem any more.
And it really doesn't really make any difference in the end. We are where we are. And I'm extremely grateful for the knowledge and insight that I have gained.
Sooooo, exciting GAL activity this weekend: I went to a rock climbing wall on Sunday for some indoor bouldering.
Man, it was scary (I'm frightened of heights) and I've had little confidence in my physical ability. A lot of what I was dealing with was mental along with the physical challenges.
I was aware of taking it slightly easy, right up to the point where I could feel my heart pounding with the 'fight or flight' thing.
I was a bit zoned out afterwards and I felt absolutely exhausted mentally...the other side of the 'fight or flight' adrenaline rush. But I feel happy that I did it, and made a start. I know it's going to help me with my hill climbing/mountain walking...make me feel more confident.
Would I go back and so some more? Maybe stretch myself a little further? Yes, absolutely.
