Trying as best I can with Last Resort Technique

[MStarr]

Ugh, he just sent me an email this morning wanting to move the process along. The rejection stings once again.

[MStarr]

Another email. Very business like. He wants to move forward on divorce asap. This man used to love me. Now it's just transactional. I responded using the Last Resort Technique, but he so doesn't care. He responded right away without even having to think about it. Not difficult for him at all.
This is so brutal.

[MStarr]

Well he wants to move forward with divorce so using the Last Resort Technique, I did the opposite of what he expected. I was congenial, applauded us for what we were already able to agree on, and hoped we could continue to move forward without too much disagreement, etc. Told him I am ready to move forward with the process. We are really only communicating by email at this point (his monster has come out too much for me in person). He seems very happy to be moving forward with it and his last couple of emails have been nice and friendly. He seems super glad that I'm not resisting. Of course he may change his mind about that when we start talking money. Not sure what to make of all this. It really seems like he wants out asap! Doesn't feel good, but at least he's being nice enough past couple of emails.

[Caz49]

Well done on keeping calm and agreeable with the emails. It's very painful being faced with this level of rejection but you're doing great!

Try and have a good weekend and keep up with the friendships you've made and old friendships you've rediscovered.

[MStarr]

Well done on keeping calm and agreeable with the emails. It's very painful being faced with this level of rejection but you're doing great!

Try and have a good weekend and keep up with the friendships you've made and old friendships you've rediscovered.

Thanks for the support Caz, I need all I can get at this point - that's for sure! Did you deal with this kind of all out rejection when you were separated in 2009, or was there hesitation? Everyone keeps telling me there is "a lot of back and forth" during a divorce, but for him (except the first couple of weeks), it has been a one way street to divorce and crazytime.

[MStarr]

On Monday we were supposed to start "the process" and try to come to as much agreement as possible before we start with mediation/lawyers. He sent me an incoherent email instead:
so sad to start this somehow

"i really miss kids living this way and i just want to keep options open

i want to be as fair and kind to each other as possible

im so sorry"

I have no idea what this means. I'm guessing "keeping his options open" has more to do with his current living arrangements than any kind of reconciliation. He lives in a cabin in the woods that the kids don't like to go to. In the past, when he has said "I want to be as fair and kind as possible", that was always a prelude to him being really mean and to monster. I interpret it now as he is really struggling to be fair and kind and will inevitably fail.

This week his emails have been friendly and not terse and angry. He even got me an iphone when he got my son one. Said he took advantage of a 2 for 1 promotion.

I have no idea what is currently going on in his head right now. I am still working very hard at "getting a life" and have been doing pretty well. Part of me wants to initiate divorce to take the control out of his hands, but strategically, I think it's probably smarter to make him lead and if he wants out, he will have to give me what I want. And of course a big part of me wants everything to go back to marriage albeit a much much better one than before.

Any insight is much appreciated!

[Verum]

I think you're doing great. I agree with the others to concentrate on yourself and GAL. Also, think about what is best for your kids and act to protect them.

I don't think there's any advantage to you initiating the divorce. It forces him to take the actions to end the marriage.

[MStarr]

Thanks so much FastCars. I really don't know what to think. Whether this is a midlife crisis or the true end of a marriage. Either way, I have to take care of myself and the boys. Does anyone know what the beginning of reconciliation looks like? What are the odds, etc? How long does an MLC last?

[MStarr]

He has been friendly in his emails since the incoherent one. I was hoping that was a sign of possible beginning of reconciliation attempt, but I now think it has more to do with me being willing to move forward with D. I haven't seen him since the end of October when he was really hateful to me in front of my son. I think I cried for a full 24 hours after that incident. But since the incoherent email, he also left me cash without my asking. I'm thinking that maybe money is his "love language". But I'm so afraid of reading too much into anything. There is no real sign he is interested in reconciliation. I know he is unhappy because my son told me that he is struggling more than me. Anyway, I am rambling. This is such a difficult journey. Does anyone know what beginning reconciliation signs look like?

[doodler]

Does anyone know what beginning reconciliation signs look like?

MStarr,

From most of the anecdotes (i.e. not personal experience) that I've read, the beginning of reconciliation, if there is one, looks like the LBS moving on with their life and not looking back.