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LH19 #2768816 11/20/17 06:51 AM
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Home from mini vaca and I need some quick advice. Every year we spend Thanksgiving with my in laws, this year is no different and I am waiting for my W to ask me to go. If she asks do I go? Also we are having everyone over later that night to play games and watch football. She has not mentioned anything to me at all, one of my children told me all these palns.

BTW she is being more and more friendly to me, we sometimes have normal conversations. This is so weird!!


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2769087 11/24/17 05:12 AM
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Went to dinner yesterday and it was great, came back to our house and had dessert and played games, a lot of fun.

W was friendly to me when she would ask me something but cold when I asked her anything. Her answers are now always "I don't Know" I could ask is this the front door and she will reply "I don't know".

Her family who does not know the sitch was very friendly and nice and continually asking me to come by the house or stop by and one out of state relative asked me to visit. I have had a great relationship with my inlaws from the beginning.

Today the W is very cold and is texting away right in front of me, I guess she thinks I care but at this point I really don't. She has been making herself look rather childish to our children b/c she is not communicating any info to them with regards to the house or plans i.e feeding the dog, a expected delivery and even not telling anyone what time Thanksgiving dinner was.

W decided she was going to drivve herself to Thanksgiving dinner and all the children got in my car, then S22 jumped in with her... she then asked one of the kids to drive home b/c she had several drinks, life in turmoil!

When I first started to read these boards I was skeptical about when vets said there will come a time when you will not want W back, well I am there... I do not even recognize this person anymore and neither do our children. This is her journey not mine anymore.

I will start to post more and more b/c I believe I have some things that may help others.

Find peace, detach!!! detach!!!


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2769101 11/24/17 11:16 AM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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Bhappy,

Great place to be in. I haven't read your thread. What are your GALs?

Can you see yourself happy without W?

You seem to be strong. How was thanksgiving dinner?


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
joejoe1 #2769105 11/24/17 11:50 AM
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bhappy2 Offline OP
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JoeJoe I have read your entire sitch and wish you well in piecing.

Thanksgiving was great! At this point I am really not sure if i can be happy with W, at first I thought I could but the way she went about everything was so bizarre I do not know who she is any more.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2769107 11/24/17 12:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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B,

It gets that way. But you seem to not be worried about where she is going. You seemed more focused on yourself, which is always a good thing in these Sitchs.

I'm glad you see yourself in a place to help others.

Many people come here looking for a person to not only read their Sitch, but just reply sometimes. If you think you can help, IMO, you can.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
joejoe1 #2769110 11/24/17 12:45 PM
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Posts: 339
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bhappy2 Offline OP
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JoeJoe I will be posting more in the future. I needed to get in the right frame of mind and I am there.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2769131 11/25/17 04:21 AM
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 167
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B,

Thats good that you have reached the right frame of mind. I a not there yet, but I have realized I am now in control of myself. I like to think of it as they opened the door and walked out, its now my choice in how long that door stays open, if I close it, and then if I want to change the locks on it.


M:43 W:33
M:10 T:11
D:6
BD 8/12/17
Divorce Final 1/23/2019
bhappy2 #2769135 11/25/17 08:03 AM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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B,

Great to hear. Will be seating you up and coming post.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
bhappy2 #2769137 11/25/17 08:05 AM
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 339
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bhappy2 Offline OP
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June 2017 about 3 weeks after BD, I was searching for advice and answers bc I was just completely shocked by BD. Like so many others I sought out advice from some people who are clueless to say the least, as I spoke with some people I soon realized that I need to start keeping things to myself and only speak with people who have been through something like this. I have a close relative who's wife did exactly what my W did he has been and still is extremely insightful.

So then I went to someone who is a close XGF, I have been friends with her for over 30 years and she went through a D about 5 years ago, BTW I advised her at the time to not leave her H and work it out. She told me then that she pleaded with him way before her A to change things in the M and he just wouldn't. One complaint she had was she wanted him to go to the gym with her and he refused, she said he was gaining weight and becoming bloated. He is also about 10 years older then her and she said that he was becoming very unattractive to her.

So I had some questions for her bc now it is me going through this and maybe she could give me some help. She advised that there is prob someone else involved so that was the first thing I looked for and could not find anything, even now, still cant (that doesnt mean there isn't). I have since stopped looking bc at this point I am looking out for myself.

She told me to hit the gym harder than I was and get myself in tip top shape... I was already a runner so I bumped up my mileage and I can run Half marathons rather easily (not bragging). She also was dumbfounded that my W would want to leave me with no warning at all and not suggest MC or ask to make changes. I was confiding in her and she was really helping me by saying just give her space and time. I do not know if she read DR but after talking with her it was like a natural way to deal with BD.

So XGF ended up D her H and marrying her OM, she left her children and he left his and they moved in together and eventually married. Her XH became so angry that there was no way they could have R he wouldn't even speak to her unless it was him yelling at her and she said the guilt was unbearable at times. Her children were just baffled and one of them refused to attend the wedding.

I still speak with her at least once a week and she gave me some great advice as to what my W was thinking, she stated that right now my W was in a complete state of confusion and yes she is not sure what to do... she also thinks my W is going through something more than just wanting out of the M and when I described what was going on my XGF said it looks like MLC. I agreed and the signs are pointing there. BTW just to update I am one of those guys that will never accept an A, I will file myself the next day if my wife had an A and she knows it. My XGF also knows this about me.

So as the weeks followed I noticed that my XGF was contacting me more than me contacting her and she started saying things to me that were a little off. She started saying things in a joking manner like this " hey if you get D and I get D then we could hook up" my response was that this was a inappropriate convo and I am sure your cuurent H wouldn't like to hear you say that. She stated that they weren't doing that great anyway and she wasn't sure what was going to happen. Now I am really questioning this whole thing and thinking to myself SEE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT, the grass is not greener on the other side!

I have backed off on contacting her and also asked if her H knew I was talking to her and if he didn't that I think he should know. I also asked if I could speak to him on how he dealt with D, but she didn't want me to speak with him.

I now have a free MC from the church who has dealt with 1000's of married couples, he truely believe's my M is fixible and he said that if my W had OM she would be gone. I am still skeptical about OM and like I said complete deal breaker for me.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2769192 11/26/17 05:17 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
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Hi BeHappy, this may turn into a long post......so take a deep breath. wink

The actions of your W are all too familiar in the stories we read on the board. Your situation is not unique, she's not exceptional, and it's not uncommon. I think your M can be saved. With that said, I don't think it will be in the next several weeks.

You two have been together 25 yrs, raised a family, and now the kids are out of the house. Like most responsible men, you loved your family by working long, maybe hard hours. Although she needed you to spend more one on one time with her and give her special attention.......the kids kept her life busy. Over the years, she tried to swallow disappointments, unmet expectations, and resentments. However, every time she swallowed, it just pushed those feelings down deeper in her heart. At some point, she began to feel some disrespect toward you. Maybe it wasn't obvious at first, but it showed in little things........and you just tried to brush it off, make some excuse for her, and tell yourself it was no big deal. Over time, her feelings grew more negative. She tried to talk to you about what she needed from you.......but the words sounds as if she was saying something completely different to your ears. You didn't get it. You never knew what was taking place in her heart. Therefore, her emotional needs were not met by her H and her heart began to harden.

To family, friends, and the general public........she seems fine. She puts on a smile, and people see her being a good mother and wife........b/c she's playing the role. However, she feels empty, dead inside, unhappy and unfulfilled. She finally gives up on her H ever tending to her emotional needs. She has not been attracted to him for years, and basically, just went through the motions of having sex with him. He had no idea how dissatisfied she was in her MR. She becomes angry. It's all she can do to prevent her resentment and disrespect from oozing into every interaction she has with him. It's in her tone of voice, the expression on her face, and in her attitude.

Like most women, if she is lonely in her MR, she will try to find ways to fill the void. I notice the ages of your children are pretty close together, so I'm guessing the nest emptied in a short span of time. Well, she was already depressed (although she tried to hide it from her kids), and now they were out of the house, grown, living their own lives. She begins looking at herself and the years she has lost. Everywhere she looks, advertisements and department stores are geared for the younger adults. Even her co-workers are younger.......but they seem to like her, and the young guys puff up her ego. Lord knows, she could use ego food! So, it begins. She feels better when she is around this group of younger people. She feels more excited about buying younger, maybe a little more sexier clothes. She gets a younger looking hair style, maybe changes the color, starts spending more time in the salons, gyms, health food stores, etc. Then something, or someone, happens along that causes her to realize the only chance left at happiness is to get out of the M........and grab for it. That's her new plan.......Plan A. But before running out and getting a D too quickly, she will hold back just a little to see if Plan A is going to work out. In the meantime, she will keep one foot in the M.......as her backup plan, or better known as Plan B. After all, she does receive certain benefits being M to you, right? Probably has a comfortable home, car, insurance, a built in escort to special events, plenty of food, expenses split, someone to help around the house, and surely some other things. Ever heard the term "marriage of convenience"? Well, I hate to break it to you, but that's what you currently have. frown

So, that's a very sketchy picture of what happens to many, many women in the world today. And that's just giving you a glance at how she got to that place emotionally. The interactions and destroyed R between the two of you would take pages to tell, or explain. And some of it can never be explained to the point the devastated H understands. I don't mean to sound as if there is no hope. The story above is describing, mostly, myself. But it's a story thousands of women experience. My M was saved, thanks to God, this board,.......and the vets who mentored me back in 2007. It became very important to me that I try to pass along the things I learned from my own experience, and even more, the information I have learned throughout these years of studying the subject of a wife who has a hardened heart......or wayward wife.

My first piece of advice for you is to run from your XGF like the devil is after you! XGF is a wayward woman. That's why she left her first H, and that's why she's already thinking of leaving this one......and flirting with you. You aren't the only one on her flirt list, either. So, get the heck away from her, and stay away.

I would not go to the Pator for MC, yet, b/c from what little you've said.......I doubt he'd approach it as though she has a hardened heart for her H. Unless the counselor really understands this issue, where it's coming from and how to deal with it........then you are wasting your time. It's much better to stick with the board, and once she commits to working on the MR, then you can go listen to the Pastor talk about how to have a good M. Currently, your W doesn't want a M with you.......so how are you going to work on something that no longer exsits? She's not interested in having a better MR with you. She is not interested in seeing a MC to save it. (Although some WW's do play that game, as a stalling technique). She just wants out. However, we can help you learn the information to use in changing the dynamics. I hope you will stick with us, and please, post something every day, if at all possible. It will draw more replies.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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