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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hey DB land! Hope all is going as smooth as possible for all of you.

Been a few weeks since my last post. I've been a busy bee. After climbing whitney, I turned around and went on a medical mission. It was very enriching and eye opening.

This weekend was my first weekend in town and I spent most of my time cleaning out my stuff. I was working on my KonMari purge about a month ago, then life got in the way and my place became an utter disaster so I started over this weekend. After the mission, I know with 1,000% certainty that I really want to live simpler. Having lots of gorgeous shoes isn't going to cultivate any extra happiness.

Other than that, everything is going well.

For some reason my anxiety with ex over the last few weeks has been heightened. I've had to shoot him a few emails... And it doesn't matter what I do or what my intent is, he uses it as an opportunity to smash me. Ughhhh it's exhausting. I want to just say, "forget it, it's not worth it" but it's over the dog, so I'm going out of my comfort zone and pushing a bit. The old pax would allow him to bully and then I'd retreat. The new pax listens to (ie: reads) the bullying responses and then redirects the conversation.

It's not helping much, because no matter what I do, or what I write, or how I write it, he turns it into berating me, or going off on a tangent related to the divorce. He makes up so much stuff and that becomes his truth. Theres no clarifying or explaining, because we'll just keep going down the rabbit hole. He has no desire to actually hear anything I have to say. Which was prevalent in the marriage. So, I take it upon myself to try to keep the content focused while biting my tongue. After 2.5 years... I'm SO over it!

Ugh.... It's like dealing with the worlds brattiest teenager. I know many of you understand.

Anyway, that's all I got for now. Wishing you all a lovely week!

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Hey Pax.. good to hear from ya! You have been a busy bee.

Good for you going out of your comfort zone and doing what is right for the pup! You have to do that. I wonder what (if anything) you can do to relieve that anxiety a bit though. hmmmm.... I am sure you don't show the anxiety to him, but making you feel anxious is probably what he is going for right (even if it is subconscious on his part)?? Then he kind of wins in a way I guess.

I hear ya on 2.5 yrs... you and me both!

Don't be a stranger... we like to hear about your growth and adventures!

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good to hear from you pax ... echoing pinn's comments.

keep focused on your goals and realizing that whatever he's spewing is on him, not you, and not reality based.

Aren't you grateful not to be him?

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Thanks for the encouragement and support, Pinn and Bttrfly!

And the beat goes on.....

I actually read about ciluzen's tattoo on bttrflys thread and realized I miss this virtual gang! Cil, a tattoo is on my list too! I think..... I could totally chicken out but it is a 180 for sure! Ok... Back on topic- It's been really busy so I haven't had much time to respond on other threads but I try to follow along. Apologies for that.

Lots of things happening and yet nothing of huge importance, but thought I would give another non-update smile.

So, I continue to stretch the boundaries on my goal setting and since I wrapped up my last few big goals, I decided it was time for another one. Ok.... This is a HUGE stretch goal, but in 2018 I will be doing a fitness competition. Eeek! I'm excited and scared and know the preparation is going to be so hard, but I like a challenge and I am looking forward to the distraction. Whew. Wish me luck! It's going to be a long journey and will be harder than training for the marathons I've done since discovering DB and GALing.

I'll be ramping everything up after the new year so ill at least get to have some fun over the holidays. After Jan 1, the fun stops and it will be chicken, sweet potatoes and vegetables for me. Boo frown This is just one of those things I NEVER in a million years thought I could do which is precisely why I'm doing it! I have to see what I'm made of!

With that, this will be a good distraction as this d continues to be dragged out... Ahhh yes, the divorce proceedings have been postponed yet again! Ho hum. I recall the days where I would breathe a sigh of relief each night knowing I hadn't been served that day. There was always that glimmer of hope that he was thinking of us/me and what he was throwing away and second guessing himself. I considered each of those days a gift.

Funny how things change and I can't get out of this thing fast enough. Enough already, dude! No more games!

Sadly for him, this extensive time apart has taught me the most valuable lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. He is still stuck in 2015 holding on to his anger and blaming me. Honestly, If he ever wakes up and looks at his choices and behavior it will be a sad day for him. He threw away so much. I guess you know that you've met a whole new level of detachment when you can go from indifference to compassion. Poor guy.... I'm pretty awesome and he's missing out (haha).

Not saying he still doesn't get to me, because he does.... Especially when he is making stuff up! meh- whatever. It's just the rantings of a man who has lost control.

Anyway, I'm rambly. Nothing of major importance.... Just moseying along and doing my thang smile

Have a great week DB friends!

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Originally Posted By: Pax_luv


So, I continue to stretch the boundaries on my goal setting and since I wrapped up my last few big goals, I decided it was time for another one. Ok.... This is a HUGE stretch goal, but in 2018 I will be doing a fitness competition. Eeek! I'm excited and scared and know the preparation is going to be so hard, but I like a challenge and I am looking forward to the distraction. Whew. Wish me luck! It's going to be a long journey and will be harder than training for the marathons I've done since discovering DB and GALing.

I'll be ramping everything up after the new year so ill at least get to have some fun over the holidays. After Jan 1, the fun stops and it will be chicken, sweet potatoes and vegetables for me. Boo frown This is just one of those things I NEVER in a million years thought I could do which is precisely why I'm doing it! I have to see what I'm made of!



yaaaaaa Pax!!! you go get em! you will get used to the chicken and vegetables ;-)

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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hello DBers. Hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving!

I just went through my 3rd thanksgiving without ex and it was the best one yet! I think we're all keenly aware of the emotional pendulum swings throughout this process and I am so so so thankful that I'm no longer living under this shadow of darkness.. And I'm no longer feeling suspicious of times when I actually do feel good.

I Remember when I would have a good day, week, month and I was so grateful to feel like myself again. I wanted to hold onto that, but knew eventually something would trigger some sadness and I would be back at the bottom of the mountain feeling too exhausted to get myself to the top again. Nowadays, I'm feeling good and feel extra grateful for the days I feel great. That sadness over ex doesn't exist anymore. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sad I don't have a life partner, and I don't have a family of my own. I have big time fear over not being able to have a healthy baby of my own, however, I've come to that place where I'm upset about it, but Im not hanging onto any resentment with ex and blaming him for me potentially not being able to have a baby. I'm super grateful for that progress.

Everyone on this journey who has walked before me says it gets better and it does. It just takes time. Thank god for time.

With the holidays coming up, I'm also grateful that I actually am in the spirit this year! I always loved Christmas but was too grief stricken to appreciate the holiday spirit. This year, I feel like I would be ready to put out my decorations and appreciate them.... The only thing is, I may be too busy (aka lazy) for that, so I'll be bringing pieces of the decor to my office. I spend most of my time there anyway!


Well, that's all I got for now. Life continues to move along and yep.... It's better than I thought it could be.

Be well. Much love to you all.


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Congrats on the progress Pax! Such a great story seeing how far you have come over the past 2+ years.

The decorations do take so much time! I feel like I am in the same spot, but that laziness takes over haha! I like the idea of bringing your decor to the office.

2018 is yours! big things for you are a coming...

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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Gosh, hard to believe it's almost been a month since my last post.

Hope the holiday season is treating everyone as well as possible!

I was sick with a cold all weekend and was able to catch up on many threads. It's always hard reading the stories in new comers. Breaks my heart. I remember the days of just existing in a black cloud.... Ugh. The first 6 months after bd are the worst. Well, new or veteran, my heart goes out to everyone this time of year. Blessings to all!

A non-update...

No new developments in my sitch. I recently read some developments on 25's thread as her ex reminds me so much of mine. Mine is a cunning snake.... And yeah.... Will cut off his nose to spite his face as well.

I can't share the behind the scenes details of what's been goin on, but as I predicted when the divorce was triggered by ex, it hasn't been pretty and has actually been worse than I could have ever imagined. There are some days that I want to just inundate him with truth darts, truth daggers, and truth axes.... But I know it will fall on deaf ears and he'll just come up with a way to attack back. There's no point. So I bite my tongue, just as I have the last several years.


Even though we've been separated for so long, he literally still has zero Interest in anything I have to say. Which baffles me because I should be the one refusing to speak to him!!! It's ironic how they turn it all around. If he actually did stop and assess the situation outside of his anger, he'd realized I've only acted in defense this entire time. But his ego (narcissism?) continues to interfere with the real life happenings right in front of his eyeballs. Oh well... Sad for him.

So my legal journey marches onwards with little end in sight. Honestly, I hope my lawyer doesn't fire me as a client because he is getting involved in some pretty petty nonsense. I don't even want to engage in some of this craziness, however, I can't back down because ex will take it ALL. I'm sounding dramatic, but im truly walking through bizarro land right now with this d.

But all in all, I'm a-ok. I'm better without him. I still have some work to do in trying to get over the fact that my inlaws and former friends think I'm the monster. Thats just my ego talking and I have to learn to manage that, while reminding myself that I know my truth.

I'm also learning to be ok with it as I've accepted the fact that ex will never wake up. I will never get an apology or an "I may have made a mistake." He's going to be able to use the nasty divorce proceedings as the fuel to justify his reasons for leaving me.

You see.... Before.... He didn't really have a good reason to divorce me. He wasn't happy and he didn't love me. That's all on him. Our whole separation, I've been off doing my DB thing... Friendly neighbor, gal, 180's, working on myself. Literally, there's nothing he could say about me as I wasn't in his life at all! I was doing my thing and was very pleasant around him.

But now, I'm the greedy, stubborn, monster who is intentionally making his life miserable by dragging out this divorce because I refuse to roll over and allow him to dictate how my future is going to pan out. I gave all I had to this marriage and he expected me to walk away with nada.

So, that above gets to be his narrative now. And it kills me that it is HIS outlandish behavior is the reason why I had to take a firm stance in not letting him direct the outcome of the divorce. Some people just have a way to spin things that there's literally no way to escape it. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. It's weird how he has that ability to spin everything in that manner and makes me thankful to not be married to that anymore. This similar dynamic existed in the marriage, but it was so subtle. In time, the gas lighting, put downs, weird spins on my feelings, all took its toll. With all this distance, I see it now and I thank god I'm out of it!

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit. Just wanted to come in here and share a bit and also send you all the very best during this busy holiday season.

Be well.


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{{{{{Pax}}}}}

I know. You're in the worst of it. Know that this will not last forever, although it may feel like that. Hang in there Pax. I'm sorry you're going thru this xoxoxo

Try to think of it as a massive culling the herd - people who didn't really know you and don't deserve you ... still hurtful, I know.

I hope you have a beautiful peaceful holiday. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hugs right back at you, Bttrfly! I hope you have a wonderful holiday season and are staying warm and cozy.

Oddly enough, I really am ok. His craziness and his anger is his to own (tx for this mantra, Sotto) and has nothing to do with me. I see him hanging on to these excuses for dear life because if he didn't have this crutch, he would have to face the mess he's single handedly made (specifically in terms of the divorce) and it would be really tough pill for anyone to swallow.

So I use my lawyer... Though he's super expensive, and I hope all the monstering fares well for me in the end. Literally nothing I can do except keep living my life with integrity. That's it.

The last couple years I haven't been much in the holiday spirit, but this year I'm really filled with a ton of gratitude for all these new special rocks I have in my life. I really have surrounded myself with good people who are filled with depth and substance. It's incredible. So... I'm currently listening to holiday jazz music in my office which is filled with the scent of fresh pine from some christmas tree branches. Gosh... All is good.

Of course, I've said it before and I'll say it again, and again and again... I Continue to be grateful for this board and everyone on it. A million times, thank you.

Xoxo.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
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