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Hi Teacup,

I feel there are some areas left out but tbh the impression I got was that your hook to get him back was "for old times sake" or "remember when". In other words you were promising a new future but really offering the past.

When we ask for time out it basically means time to get out and is not on our priority list.

Anyhow, there is always hope but tbh the person I am most concerned about is you. You need to sort out your issues before trying to contact him again, until you are really fixed up. Any fall during that period just shows him your failure to deal with it and sets you back.

If it was hard then, with his words now that hill just got a whole lot higher. The question therefore is are you going to make it even higher as an excuse to give up or are you going to knuckle down and do some real DB. Both on yourself and interactions with your H.

Remember you need to present something exciting and fresh that he wants to come back to and not something based on nostalgia, especially when it is filled with sadness. Most important is that it is sincere and not acting to pretend you are someone you are not.

Should it then not work then at least you will be a different person and can offer the you 2.0 to someone else without dragging the same faults to this new relationship.

Hope to have helped.

Peace


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Hi Teacup -

Your initial post listed all your faults and all your H's good qualities. I believe you when you say your issues were a serious factor in the demise of your marriage.
BUT - I'm going to say this with confidence now - eventually you are going to realize your H was not quite that great guy you thought he was either. Because a good guy would not try to sabotage youbtwo weeks before finals! A good guy would be able to hold his tongue for two more f-ing weeks! That's just sh!tty.

Do NOT give him that power! Buckle down to your work and power through. Show him he can't break you! I really suspect that once you get some distance you'll start to see other ways in which he has sabotaged or undermined you in the past.

You can do this. Talk to your professors if you need to. Call a classmate to study with, or call a best friend to help keep you accountable. Play I Will Survive on repeat.

You have a lot of personal growth coming your way - it can be painful but also so liberating! Don't be afraid of it! Either the new and improved you will draw your H back OR the new and improved you will see his rotten side and find someone better to cherish and support you in your dreams.

But just to repeat my reality check - a truly good guy just driven away by your demons, would have been able and willing to hold his tongue for two more weeks to let you get through finals. He's not everything you thought he was. Don't give him the power to sabotage your work. Block him for the next two weeks, call in your support people, and focus on school! There's nothing in your relationship that has to be dealt with in the next two weeks.

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Thank you everyone for your supportive and helpful replies.(I don't know how to quote from different replies)

Nicole, I'm sorry you are in that situation, it must be extra difficult when there's a child involved. It's good that you're trying to take care of yourself too. I'm committed to exercising every day now. Health is the most important thing after all! If you're interested in meditating, I really recommend the Insight timer app. It has a lot of free guided meditations for all kinds of purposes, I like to listen to one or two before going to bed.


It's probably true that I haven't been honest with myself about my reasons for change. About the list he gave me - they are actually very fair points and pretty much the same things I would tell myself I need to change for my own sake. Like stop ruminating so much, be less dependent on people and stop making excuses for my bad habits.

We met up yesterday for lunch, and ended up talking for hours. We were both able to be honest and not judgemental and I think I understand more of the thoughts behind his actions now. I showed him a letter I had written, apologising for my part in the break up and taking responsibility for my actions, for which he was thankful. I felt that it needed to be acknowledged so that I can focus on being positive from now on.

I feel like our relationship is actually better now. He seems a lot more comfortable being around me now that the separation is formal. All our interactions were so tense up to this point, so I guess it was needed. In our country, a year of formal separation is required before getting a divorce. I think he felt he needed to get the wheels turning in order to have the burden taken off his shoulders. He wants to be friendly with me, he wishes me well, but he has fallen out of love and doesn't want to ever be romantically attached to me in case things get really bad again. He told me how it was like an elastic band that had been stretched too far and finally snapped.

I was able to ask him some questions about things that had happenened up to this point, I tried my best to see things from his view. Although I'm not able to truly understand all of his thoughts and actions, I felt like I finally truly accepted them. I still really think he's a good person and I'm so thankful that he's willing to be friendly with me. We agreed to try and keep things peaceful, to not speak ill about each other, and to cooperate as good as we can. I'm not going to be a doormat of course, but I'm not going to start a war either. We both have some wishes about how we want to settle things with the apartment, economy and so on, but I'm hopeful that we're able to work together and find a solution that is fair to both of us.

It feels like we're back to talking about our common hobbies and interests, joking and sharing fun things that has happened. It's actually nice to see him like this and not like the tense and mean person he was before he told me his final decision. We agreed to go out for dinner and a movie in december, and to meet up and discuss practical things after my finals. We also need to be in contact about our dog, which we both love and want to spend time with. About our vacation - we're both going, but each of us are taking a friend along, and we're going to stay in different hotels and probably not see each other a lot. Kind of a weird setup but we both really wanted to go to the show, so I think it's a good solution.

Will I keep trying for us to get back together? I don't know, I don't know if there is hope. I need to respect his feelings and believe what he says, and I need to stop holding on. The person he is now and the person I am now are not going to be a couple. Things would have to be very different in both of our lives and the future is very uncertain. So I can't fixate on it. Instead I need to fixate on being a better me, like you are saying. I guess that's what detachment is all about.. I still love him dearly (didn't tell him that). I told him that I wish to be friends, but that I can't predict how I'm going to feel about it in the future. We have so much in common, but what if he finds someone else?
For now it's all about making it through school and trying to be independent. If we can stay in touch and have fun together, that's a bonus. None of us are really experienced with break ups, let alone divorce... We'll just have to wait and see, I guess.

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And by someone else I mean someone new. We're obviously free to date people now. I almost have to laugh at the thought because it seems so surreal. I don't think it's something I'm going to want for a long time.

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Originally Posted By: teacup
.(I don't know how to quote from different replies)


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Teacup,

That sounds like a healthy step that you and your husband were able to meet and talk about so many things. It's good news that you've somewhat accepted the situation and wish to be friendly with your husband. It's still sad but it seems you did well with respecting his wishes and working on improving yourself. I hope you make it through school the next few weeks and can then enjoy your trip. I will try to download the app you mentioned. Keep us posted on how you're doing!

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