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#2768984 11/22/17 06:32 AM
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rexgm Offline OP
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Hello,

First time to post here, but have been reading for many weeks now. I was BD mid august and she started a PA less than a couple of weeks later. She says she never cheated during our marriage and only started seeing someone after she BD. I believe and she has verified that she had feelings before the BD so I consider that an EA even if he wasnt aware, but i am sure he was. My question is she hasnt filed for divorce yet, but should I speed up the process, since we have been married around 9.5 years. I live in the state of texas and at the 10 year mark I will have to pay spousal support of 20% for 5 yrs. We do have a D5 and she has had some anger issues the last couple of months. She is aware of the divorce about as much as a 5yr old can be. I am at the point where i can truly start to detach. I am doing GAL and we both currently have separate apartments, with 50/50 split of D5. I am giving her some monthly CS just so I know my daughter is taken care of, even though i am not required to yet, since nothing has been filed. I have seen a lawyer and she hasnt, but we plan on doing this without lawyers, however if at any point she changes her mind i will get one for my protection. As with other people on here I am for saving the marriage, but that cant happen as long as she is seeing someone else. The whole point being with limerance and all why would she want to come back if she is getting her current needs met with someone else. I am currently changing my ways for myself so that in my next relationship, whether it be with my wife or someone else, I wont make the same mistakes. I have read most of the DB book, and all of the 5 love languages, and currently reading about getting over affairs. Anyways ty for listening and any advice is welcomed


M:43 W:33
M:10 T:11
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Divorce Final 1/23/2019
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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How did you contribute to the failure of your M? How do you want to change yourself...for you? Pursuing or not pursuing D is a very individual decision. We’re all here because we don’t want a D but some of us are forced to pull that trigger.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Hi, welcome to the board. It may be a little slow through the holidays, but keep posting.

With reading only one post, I am hesitate to anyone to go ahead and file for a D. If it serves you better in the financial aspect, I think you need legal advice about your timely filing for the D.

As for your W, don't believe the b.s. she told you about the OM. She gave the most typical lie that wayward wives give. She actually left you b/c of this OM, with whom she was having some type of an affair. That's why he just suddenly and conveniently appears on the scene.

Read the page from Cadet, carefully. Be sure to read the links. It will help get you started on the DB path.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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rexgm Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Gordie
How did you contribute to the failure of your M?



Well how did i contribute, thats sort of easy and tough. Like most men in this situation I took her for granted. Although the last year it was more not paying attention and not listening. We did counseling twice after the BD, her for how to get our child through this process and I for how to save our marriage. She didnt tell the counselor about the other man in fact she denied him to her. I found out about him through her and then by looking through our cell phone bill and seeing 100's of texts to him that really started up about 5 days before she BD. She states that I was too controlling, which I was in some ways. One way though I thought was a boundary and she stated it was also too controlling in that I wouldnt let her go out with her coworkers. I didnt have a problem her going out with her coworkers when they included women, but when she wanted to go out when only single men were going then I had an issue with it, especially when they were younger and she had already stated that a few of them were flirting with her. I just felt a married woman shouldnt and wouldnt want to go somewhere with a bunch of single guys, but she didnt see it this way. The counselor did state that we both were pleasers, which we both agreed with. So when there was an issue she would bring up she would then agree with my assessment of how we could resolve it. I thought we were doing good, but I found out she would just accept the resolution to move past the issue and to just please me by pushing her feelings aside, which i am sure led to resentment.

Originally Posted By: Gordie
How do you want to change yourself...for you? Pursuing or not pursuing D is a very individual decision. We’re all here because we don’t want a D but some of us are forced to pull that trigger.

Well I am changing myself by recognizing what i did wrong by not seeing her love language. I am also making changes to be more responsible, such as I would get upset on the inside when I would do things and she wouldnt notice. I now know and recognize that instead of doing things to make her happy, I should of been doing things because it was my responsibilty in the marriage, and not look for validation. She had always complained to me about being overweight and I am losing weight now for myself, so I can be healthier, and a possible side effect would be for her to be more attracted, but a definate side effect will be that other women will be definately attracted. She did state that after i was done with my weight loss that she might consider coming back, but she didnt want to promise anything because she didnt want me to get my hopes up if she didnt, to which I replied well when I get to were I want to be, what makes you think I will want you back and not someone who would bring more to the relationship, which upset her very much. I stated that I want you to be with me through my journey of change, and not just at the end, because if she comes in at the end I told her she would have to compete for my love just like anyone else would and she wouldnt be a given.

I am also spending more quality time with m D5. Since her birth my wife had been a stay at home mom, so I left most of that bonding time with my wife. I would spend time with my D5 but not as much as I am now. I feel we can connect more, one reason being she is older and the second is that her english is much better now. If i iddnt mention this my wife is russian, so we both agreed that my d5 first language should be russian, because she could always pick up english fast in the states. She has picked it up quite quickly the last year an a half so we communicate much better now. I also believe one reason my wife left is that she has had alot of milestones this past year, such as getting her driving license a new job, and nee friends. So all this freedom so suddenly is intoxicating to her. Which i can agree with. In russia grwoing up she felt like she was never the prettiest in the room, so she never got the attention that she is feeling now in the u.s.. i am also trying to GAL as much as I can. I didnt do much of it in september or october, because i was spending all of my time with my daughter and being there for her. It has been a pleasure creating a stronger bond with her.


M:43 W:33
M:10 T:11
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BD 8/12/17
Divorce Final 1/23/2019
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rexgm Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
As for your W, don't believe the b.s. she told you about the OM. She gave the most typical lie that wayward wives give. She actually left you b/c of this OM, with whom she was having some type of an affair. That's why he just suddenly and conveniently appears on the scene.


I Believe you are right, whats funny is about two weeks before the BD she told me she found out he was going through a divorce. And he is a big flirt at their work, so I feel her thoughts were that she had to move fast before someone else did. In his divorce which i know about from her, his wife left him for another man. I dont see how any good man would do this to another person after going through the same thing themselves. So I just think he is scum. Also dont know if he reads this board or not. I also got the ILYBIANILWYA speech. He is an older man probably mid 50's and I know she is lying because her story is always changing with him, which has driven me nuts, so I just quit asking. I found out she had been with him after the BD when she wanted me to find something and I asked if I could look through her purse which she replied yes, and then in one of the small pockets was used lingerie. Which i confronted her with and asked her why she cheated and she replied she didnt cheat, because she had already told me she wanted a divorce. In my eyes we are still married since she hasnt filed yet. In her eyes we are not, so i guess its just a point of view. In her eyes divorce is just a paper to sign and in her mind she has already signed it. I love her but I have lost all trust in her. The only one really losing in this situation is our D5. she wont be able to do things we had planned for her because money will be tight for a while. Would i take my wife back, ofcourse i would, but things would have to change. I dont want the relationship we had, because that obviously didnt work out. My wife has stated she doesnt want to come back, because she is afraid that i would now leave her, but I am sure that is just a lie to try to please me. I have talked to a lawyer and they said to file as soon as i can because the courts in dallas are backed up, and i need to get it done before the 10 year mark or i will have to pay spousal support. My wife said she doesnt want spousal support, but her mind could change at any moment. As for the BD its a great weight loss program lol. I have already lost 40#'s can could lose about 140 more. So I am a big guy, but I was like that when we got married.


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Divorce Final 1/23/2019
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I'll confess, I'm of two minds about the spousal support. On the one hand, she was a stay at home mom for five years, which presumably mommy-tracked her career - spousal support helps offset that. On the other hand, she's the one who is blowing up the marriage without trying to save it, why should she benefit?

Be aware though it can be difficult to rush divorce with a WAS, as they really can't be bothered to do paperwork. You will have to do it all for her, and I'd still advise running it by an attorney even if you are doing the divorce yourself - don't be penny wise and pound foolish.

Also, you mentioned she's Russian - is it possible she married you to get a green card? I think the fact that you were heavy when she married you but then she started complaining about it is a red flag that she might never have been sincere (although to be fair, some people marry thinking they'll change their partner).

Ah, the divorce diet I'd love to study it, it works so well! Take full advantage of this time to become the best version of yourself. Whether you reunite or move on to a new relationship, working on being a better version of yourself will pay off.

As for your W - no, it's not controlling to want your wife not to have affairs! If you look back on your relationship before the affair, was she a great wife who just suddenly got abducted by aliens - or was she always selfish or narcissistic? Some spouses just get depressed and go off the rails - others have longstanding character defects that may never change. (Mine was a narcissist, I really didn't fully recognize this until after we divorced.

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kml.

She is working on getting money saved to file, her words... She has just finished paying a lawyer for citizenship filing. She is currently not a citizen just a legal resident. Could she have married me for citizenship, there is that chance, but she has been with me for 9 1/2 years, which 4 1/2 was SAHM. i think she was hoping i would change with the weight. She has always been caring about other people and I think that leads her to make questionable friends and to be very trusting of people who might not deserve it. She has been on her own since she was 17 and she never did quite like how close I was to my family, i.e. visiting parents and brothers on the weekends, but my family has always been close.

I dont think she was narcissistic or selfish, but i could be looking at things from rose colored glasses. She just says she has changed and doesnt love me any more. I feel you cant control who you fall in love with, but you can control if you want to stay in love. I do feel i left an open spot for someone to take my place when i wasnt meeting her love language. Instead of just listening i was the typical guy and tried to fix. i lost my job in 2014 and we moved in with my parents which caused a lot of issues in our relationship, but we had always worked through them, or atleast i thought we did, but she was just pleasing. I did eventually find work and then she went to work about a year later and we were working on saving to get a house when she BD. I tried to explain to her that she wasnt divorcing me she was divorcing the family, since i have a relationship with our d5, she also has this relationship, we also have to have a relationship because of our d5, the only relationship that was being broken was the one between my wife, our daughter, and myself. That relationship would no longer be there. anyways orry to ramble, ill cut it off at that.


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Your judge is likely to include spousal support at this point so close to the 10 years anyway.

Let your heart propel you to try save your marriage so you can be sure you tried everything. You can always divorce. Having been divorced myself, I can tell you it's incredibly hard on daughters about your daughters age. My oldest was 6 (now 30) when we divorced. The consequences of divorce are forever, and the kids are the biggest losers in this deal. I would have done things much differently. I Amy have still ended with the same consequence but I wish I had a better relationship skill set. So the DB 'techniques are worth trying with your spouse, even is someone else ends up benefiting from your skill set. I promise you, your daughter will benefit from your improvements.

Happy Thanksgiving! You have a lot to be thankful for!


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Sorry to hear what your going through. My W used the same b.s. logic when talking yona mutual friend about her cheating. Tjat she told me she wanted a divorce, so it's not cheating. Even though she she began her A before BD. And conviently she suddenly took on this new ideology when she started cheating. Never at any point in our 17 year marriage had ahe felt that way. And talked abiut others like a dog for doing such things.

Your W right now has no morals and is talking out of her a** right now in order to justify her cheating. So don't go along with any of it or make excuses for her. As for the divorce you need to protect yourself. You don't want to have to find yourself rewarding your W for her bad behavior. Especially witj her laying up with OM. My recommendation is get the divorce before it's too late. If it's meant to be you two could always remarry.


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BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
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