Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 4 )

[joejoe1]

Tate,

AS, has put it best. When you get to that point, "you won't care if the M is restored or not.". That's a strong position to be in.

[25yearsmlc]

I understand the stance that I should shake up my wifes world to snap her back to reality, but I am certain this would be the end of our marriage for good.

No offense, but in all seriousness, What marriage? What is it about your r with your "wife", makes it a marriage? This is a woman who openly treats you with contempt in front of the children (so there goes the "it's best for the kids to stay together" argument)

and she's broken her vows, AND she's done it with OM who is IN the family so it's not as if future interactions or holidays can ever be the same.

But you guys seem to believe "oh sure they can. You know, like if she doesn't sit next to BIL..."

Easy lies versus brutal truths are the road back to HERE...


As sandi2 has said, this disruption is sure to cause a change, whether for better or worse.

I talked to my sister today to make sure she is not underestimating what has been going on. I reminded her that whatever her husband is telling her, he knew what he was doing was wrong. My sister told me she has set some very strict boundaries on my wifes contact with anyone in her family.


a very strict boundary? How about not within 500 yards of any family member?


My kids are at their grandparents, and you can cut the tension between my wife and me with a knife...its aweful. My wife just told me she wants to drive separately to Thanksgiving even though we are going to the exact same dinners just so she does not have to be with me for the 8 hours in the car. I told her I wasnt taking a separate car 500 miles to the same events. I happily told her I would just stay home. I can tell she is stumped by this...I was not rude, but she is obviously troubled by me not going.


Noooo. This is YOUR family? Why not tell her to take a bus? Or do you (understandably) not want to see the BIL? Even still, you'd send your wife to your sister's house? (if I were your sister I'd say "Thanks, bro, but no thanks").

In your shoes, there's not one family member I'd care LESS to see than your BIL and or your w, for that matter.

This is too Jerry Springer for me. WTF?

Have your own dinner, go out to dinner or literally go volunteer somewhere or eat at a church function. There are a ton around.


I know the DB coaches would say to just take a separate car to give her space. I could do that, or I could just not go and let my W explain why I am not there for Thanksgiving.

Are you SURE that's what the DB coaches would say? I say ASK.

You know it's not as if your wife is saying she wants to make it work AND she sure does not act like it. She treats you horribly.

So, What specifically are we holding onto here?

I adamantly believe the slight chance you have (and there probably is one) of restoring a marriage out of this mess

is by stepping AWAY from it as a family and as a man.

She's walking all over you and that's NOT attractive.

Sorry Tate, I know you're a good guy, but this is nuts. Seriously, too Jerry Springer.

If you could see the forest for the trees, you'd know it is.


GOOD LUCK, truly.

((( )))

[Tate]

Thanks everyony for the support and advice.

The last few days without the kids home has created a very different environment for me. My W has been staying all dsy at the library...even though she could work at home. I have been restoring my car in the garage until I come into go to bed each night. I do not say a thing to my W. She tells me good night and habe a nice day...I just briefly reciprocate.

[sandi2]

I get it...the question is how can I force either one to not show up without telling the whole family what is going on?

Well, you cannot actually "force" them. If you tell your family the plain truth (and not try to make it sound like it's not really like an affair).......then ask them for their support. These are YOUR family members, not your WW's and BIL's family. It may be too late to do anything before Thanksgiving, and I really don't know the best advice about what to do about tomorrow. Maybe others can tell you.

To clarify what I meant about affecting the family and things not being the same as it once was..........it is NOT b/c you decide to reveal the situation to your family members. It is b/c your wayward W and your wayward BIL are in an affair with each other. When this happens, the family gatherings can never include these two people at the same event.

Yes, I understand very well how devastating it can be on the parents and everyone else. But unfortunately, the two affair partners did not consider anyone else's feelings when they acted on their lustful emotions. And to be frank with you, I suspect they have carried it further. But whether they have slept together or not, they have made their feelings known to each other. And THAT is what makes a big tear in the family being able to carry on as in past times. But guess what? In spite of the raw pain these two people have caused your family......the main family members (parents, siblings, grandchildren) can pull together to support their blood kinship. These are two in-laws who have betrayed their M's and their families. Even if they were loved as much as the blood relatives, they can be excluded. Know what I mean? Blood relatives will always be kin to each other......whether they like one another or never see each other. But it has been my sad experience to see in-laws come and go and be replaced in families.

You have to accept something about this. If by slim chance your M is saved, your W and BIL still cannot attend the same events. Unless you and your W come to an understanding of "why" they can't meet at the same place anymore.......then it won't work. When they see each other, it is like giving a drink to an acholic. The affair will just be covered up and they will continue in it. Do you understand this.......and do you believe it? B/c if you don't believe it, I am wasting my breath.

Why should you stay away from YOUR family, when the waywards have no shame in showing up together for "Thanksgiving"? I'm not sure how to handle tomorrow, but it doesn't seem right that you would miss your family celebration. If you do decide to stay home, then everyone will want to know, and that might be your opportunity to tell them, IDK. You think it will bother the affair partners that you stay home and think they will feel awkward about it? Nope! None whatsoever. Your WW will make up some excuse for your absence, and they will go on with their celebration.

[Tobias]

I just read this thread but I am curious to know more about your sister. It seems she is being cheated on as well. Either as an EA or a PA. It sounds like your sister doesn't believe you? I almost think explaining what is happening to your parents is needed. Surely they wouldn't want to invite two people to a Thanksgiving gathering that are both cheating on their own flesh and blood? But if you haven't had a honest conversation with your sister maybe that is step 1.

[Tate]

To Tobias, my W and BIL have been involved in an EA. It is possible they have kissed, etc.

The way I found out about the EA was by stumbling across a journal writing my W left in the drafts folder of our email. This entry said that she had wanted to have sex with him but it never happened...plain as day.

[Tate]

Yes, my W feels awkward at gatherings now...that is why she is so uncomfortable eith the trips to visit my family. See, the thing is that my W has always done more with my family than her own...no pun intended.

Aside from her mom, her family is not that into visitors, outings, even holidays. As an example, her sisters will not even drive 2 hours to be together for Thanksgiving.

Losing events with my family is most of my wifes trips to visit relatives.

Now, if my family starts uninviting my W, should I stop visiting her family?

[sandi2]

Yes, my W feels awkward at gatherings now...that is why she is so uncomfortable eith the trips to visit my family

That's not at all the way it sounded when she was breaking her neck to go to the birthday party, and told you she was going whether you did or not. And now, she wants to take two separate cars to go on an 8 hr trip to the same location.

See, the thing is that my W has always done more with my family than her own...no pun intended.

So what? She scr@wed up!

Aside from her mom, her family is not that into visitors, outings, even holidays. As an example, her sisters will not even drive 2 hours to be together for Thanksgiving.

So what? She still scr@wed up!

Losing events with my family is most of my wifes trips to visit relatives.

So what? She scr@wed up! She thought nothing would change and she could continue her affair and nothing would change.

Now, if my family starts uninviting my W, should I stop visiting her family?

Well, you haven't been in an affair with any of her family......so why would you stop (unless you separate). I wouldn't worry about this right now. You just said they aren't too keen about having visitors. Currently, none of this stuff you've written in the previous post should be your primary concern today. Frankly, it sounds as if you are trying to talk your way into doing nothing.

I think the affair partners will be watching to see how you deal with them being together for the family Thanksgiving celebration. Mostly your W will be watching, b/c BIL feels pretty safe with your sister, since he smoothed everything over with her.

[Maximus]

Hi Tate,

I have been reading your posts and hope I have a clear picture.

The way I see it and as many here are trying to put across is what we used to call Man-up, grow a pair, etc ... you get the message ... I hope. To me you seem to be more worried about other people's opinions, feelings or emotions than your own. In all your posts I have yet to perceive that feeling of anger of having your trust humiliated by your W and secondly your BIL. Even more humiliating to me is your BIL's attitude.

I can accept affairs with randoms, they dont know you so there is no face to match with the emotion. Your BIL knows you, is NOT a direct member of the family but still goes ahead and literally p*****es all over you. In other words, he had no fear nor respect for you, does not and until you emotionally make your mark never will.

At this moment he is the Alpha Male to your W and you are a struggling beta male. In this situation you will never get her respect or any hope of regaining her. Even if she breaks off with your BIL she will just fall into the arms of someone else more exciting and emotionally attractive.

Asking for advice on particular situations or even commenting those is OK if the event is recent and the pain still blinds us. I understand from your signature that this has been going on now for quite some time. To be honest though by now you should have implemented some sort of strategy and be seeing it through with some results. Once TG is over what will be the next action that will merit a comment here.

You mentioned you dont mind her calling names but here there is a clear mention about that and non tolerance. Have you heard about boundaries? Are yours round or shaped like a jigsaw piece with each deformation your compromise to someone elses feelings?

You mentioned you commented this to your sister and she sees it differently because she wants to or because she is blind. Who cares. The question is what do you think and how do you feel. Have you gone to their house and told them both straight to get their act together or anything similar? Do you think it is normal for your sister to accept the woman who is having an affair with her husband into her house? I think I know women and they have a keen Ho-dar and know when a woman is trouble. Do you really think it is normal to have your W go to this gathering where milf & cookies will meet?

Remember it is YOUR family not hers and it is your rules. If she had any morality she would not even consider going. If it were a random person you could even swallow your pride and go for appearances but with your BIL and to his house? Where is the logic in that?

I believe you should bring this out into the open. So sh1t hits the fan. So what, right know you are the only one deep in it. I think its time others should be held accountable. Only don't do it expecting sympathy, compassion or understanding. If your sister is keeping it under wraps there could be a good chance she may resent you for it. Your family may also act unexpectedly and as DB says, friends and family are not always the best listeners nor most unbiased companions. So just expect the unexpected and be on your guard.

You need to take that weight off your shoulder, it's drowning you.

You are fighting for a marriage that has been sinking for over 7 years. In 7 years you have not known a clear road ahead with sunny skies to just enjoy. Your emotional life is shot to bits but you wont know what damage you have done to yourself until this is all over. Neither of you are the same people you were years ago so why try and defend a relationship built on the love, hopes and dreams of 2 people that no longer exist is beyond me.

You seem like a nice guy but without character nor personality and that is not attractive. I also think you have not really understood what this site is about or how it works.

You need to really take a look at yourself and find out who you are, fix yourself up and gain inner strength. Don't expect a miracle cure or that this will be over in a short period. Until you dont fix yourself you will be hooked to this website looking for answers to specific battles when you should be planning the whole war or give up and look elsewhere until you find something that gives you what you want and not what you need. Which is OK if they coincide but tbh I think in your case they are yin-yan.

Dont be afraid of hard decisions, they hurt for a reason, they make you stronger and allow you to go directly from A to B and not waffle through c,d,e, etc. They also build up your character.

In short in my opinion (and I know many will disagree) I would drop the bomb over the table and then tuck into the turkey as if nothing. If I was handed your case and you were my avatar I would use that moment to pass the buck onto the others. If after that your W still gets invited to other events and is not a persona non grata then you can realize what a dysfunctional family you have.

I also think (as jimmy cliff sang):

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright)…

Good luck

Peace

[sandi2]

Wow! I like the way Max talks! .