If life gives you lemon....do lemonade

[Lana_71]

Initially I wrote several msg and deleted them mainly trying to be nice but want conclusion in another I suggested to talk about D, custody and financial support. In another I wanted to let him know what my younger kid thinks and how affected of the situation she is. As a matter of fact I initiated this cause I feel now she is mixed up expecting us to live back together soon and asking me why I am not trying harder to keep contact with him... in her mind she thinks he is working so hard for us...I was afraid that she get her expectations high . I think you need to make a decision and be clear for all.

I know I am I'll gain nothing but also I will loose nothing since everything was lost. This time my msg had no emotions. No introductory or ending... no validations. Nada... just business . Time to talk about the kids... and this is the first thing me I introduce my brother to talk on my behalf hence shows I am not looking for recon. Even me traveling I suggested for a day to have face to face discussion ... I didnot mention D in my email but I think it is embedded... let's see what he replies... if he does...

[Lana_71]

The question is what if he does not reply? What is next? Lawyers is not an option at the moment as I am not sure if he has anything or not. Plus it might complicate things further and I honestly do not have cash to waste it on lawyers.


Should I talk to his mom. Although he cares for her but I don't think he is on great terms plus her health is not that great.

I don't know anyone at his office too. All his old friends were replaced.

The max I can get from here is get D through our court system. But to get proper custody, or finiancial I have to do that in the country he resides in ...at the moment I guess not feasible. And I know he will not do anything .

Today I received a wedding card invitation and it was in my maiden name without him... I guess people know we are not together no more although I never announced it.

I donor regret sending my message as I want to stir the pot to crest some movement at the moment in any direction.

[job]

I would not speak to his mother about the situation. She can't do a thing w/him, i.e., especially talk to him about the situation. It could very well make things worse than they already are. I wouldn't involved anyone else in the mix except a lawyer at some point. It's best to keep your situation between you and your spouse.

If he doesn't respond in a week, you will then need to make some decisions on how best to move forward. It may be that he needs to think a while on what you posted to him...you can't rush an MLCer when it comes to wanting a response quickly. They do tend to move at their own pace, which is slow...unless it is something that will benefit them. I'm not making excuses, but you have to remember...he's not the man you knew, therefore, he may not respond or even respond the way that you want him to. Dig deeper for patience and sit a bit.

[Lana_71]

Hello Job
Thanks for your response , I read it then but was trying to dig deeper for patience advised. I understand I can't rush him but it is so frustrating ... I wish he just say something . At last my kid got her gift ... he didnot order it when he told us... it took him 10 more days to order it... I really can't understand how would anyone do this to any kid not his own.. she is only 10 years old . So it came nice art sketching kit... and it made her happy. I sent him a that you note not expecting a response of course .
But there have been changes last two week, I got more detached

, I rarely think of him and have no expectation. Started looking for a full time job. Maybe I have now the feeling me and the kids are now on our own and he does not want to be in our life no more. So might as well try to get my self back in track. It has been a busy week. I approached couple of companies and also gave a consulting offer to a company on road which will need some travel. I have some interviews lined up. The market here is not the best but I feel something good will come.


On personal level I started learning bridge. It is a very difficult game but I always loved cards so might as well learn bridge. I really enjoy it and keeps me busy.
I still have my part time thing along with spending time with friends and family .

Last week I went out with a friend I ave not seen for last 15 years. She worked in lots of places and was very successful in her career . When she asked me about my life it felt natural to say in general it was very good.i said had good marriage until things fell sport now for financial reasons . At the moment marriage is on halt and I am ok either way it goes. I was so strong and was impressed by me since now I am not scarred to say it is in limbo .

I will not talk to his mom nor friends , I just want to move on with my life again.

[Lana_71]

Journaling
Today I woke up my younger daughter was sad ... I got an offer out of state and was planning to do a visit ... I didnot decide on anything but trying to increase my network in order to get something ... so I am planning to travel two days end of this week for a chat with the CFO... and will pass by my old employer too ...
anyway my daughter was sad and said it is not fair that my dad and Mom will be traveling...

I know so sad ...she broke my heart , I am still looking for jobs her but keeping all options open especially if I get a consulting job. I know nothing is worth one day away from them and I was about to cancel but decided to go ahead and will decide later. Even for my own self confidence it might be good.

So she opened the subject of her dad and said anyway you don’t talk to each other might as well get a D then started crying.... I know she loved him and missing him a lot.

I talked to her hugged her and told her her dad having some issues with his work although he loves you a lot and you know that. Then she asked if I will be d him and I told her that I currently will not ask for D. This calmed her down. Then she said it is ok for me to travel...

The rest of the day went well. But I sent him a msg that I will be traveling three days and kids will stay with mom. I know he will not answer and not expecting any. I’ll try just to do what is right and up to him to decide he wants to contact them or not.

I am happy to go for three days... so many of my friends who I didnot see in 5 years I will see...I am sure it will be fun ...I hope my D will also be ok she told me to promise I will skype her daily which I always do while traveling .

[OwnIt]

Lana,

I've been thinking about this situation since I read your post. I keep coming back to the same concern. I am wondering if your efforts to shield the girls from the of your situation is in fact causing them more harm, or delaying the grief that they may feel over the situation.

I know for my own kids that the years I tried to keep him in the home for their benefit did more harm than good. I'm not going to lie, the past year and a half (when we were both finally honest about was going on) was completely horrible for both of them. They have suffered emotionally, physically, and scholastically. But, I can tell you that they are emerging from the wreckage of that discovery as stronger, more independent, and realistic kids.

I think you keep reaching out to him and trying to get him to be a dad, but he just isn't there. He isn't capable of stepping up right now. He may never be. I did the same thing. I told myself over and over again that a bad dad was better than no dad. They have both told me they are glad he is gone and they do not ever want him back. I also think I may have subconsciously used the kids as an excuse to pursue him or persuade him to stick around. I hope that isn't the case.

[Lana_71]

Hello Own ... what you are saying might be very possible...I wonder sometimes if I should have finished it long to me ago...they seldom expresss feeling towards him ... once maybe every two weeks ... but then again being their father they will always think of him and why did he leave them... sometimes I think the older they getwould be better for them...... it is a pity I myself had a great father and I know how proud I was of him. My h too has a good father who he spoke highly of. I feel very sad my kids can’t have that...maybe I am just being hopeful one day he will ...

So I traveled to my job interview and it was great... interview was great, it boosted my moral of finding something in the region. I think there will be a second round but seems promising especially that they are considering my option of part time.

I had great time during my travel connected with lots of friends in two days... I feel exhausted...I also saw some of the people in my old job and it was great to reconnect although some has grown so old in last 5 years... waoo life gone so fast... everyone said I looked great younger and more fresh... great compliments to hear in my case but I also felt good.

I forgot to tell u he replied to my last msg .... got lucky I guess...but completely was not affected...”Hi there, I have not been ignoring messages but been bogged down with some issues. Nevertheless, have a safe trip. I am in xxxxx at the moment” so I replied “ ok thank you”

I don’t want to think about it it is not worth it... I got invited to a wedding of s friend in India for March and am looking forward for it...it is middle of the night ...need to go to sleep.... adios ...

[Lana_71]

Hello... no progress today lol last week when I decided I don’t need him in my life no more and ready for D. I checked my eldest D drawers and found a picture of me and him Polaroid. I think she keeps looking at it. So I decided I want to be a friend to hopefully guide him to his kids. As for a husbands I don’t see him fitting that position no more. I can see he is so much incapacitated that can’t even say a thing. I wonder how can a man like him have no voice to say what he wants . Why this passive aggressiveness.

So as a friend I sent an email saying I will resume sending emails about kids and up to him to choose whether to contact them or not. I said they miss him and think the best of him but got used to not having him arround. Then I started talking about my eldest School , Friends etc. Inviting him to communicate. Ended email as a friend.

Interesting he message them that day mainly with the elder as my youngest didnot participate ... but she was excited to chat with her dad. Next day I sent an email saying how excited she was and giving details about my youngest. He does it know the kids no more . Their grade, Friends, issues, teachers, interests. Giving him something to talk about as I think he is lost and have no one to help. Normally he would not listen to me but somehow this time he did.

Third and fourth day he didnot contact them and sent an email which was my honest point of view I was not angry as I expected this but there is no need not to tell me he truth . Hence he did surprisingly my kids did not respond for two days . I also sent him saying maybe they are afraid to get attached and he will abandon them again. I tried to really focus on the kids only nothing about me and just giving him the insight hopefully to have a relation . Last three days they have been msg daily . My youngest shared her English story and got feed bac. My eldest talked about physiques... well keeping my fingers crossed ...I plan to send him the kids during winter break but let’s see how this evolves.

I just hope they have a dad in their life and hope I can help him be better get dad. As to my life I can manage that on my own as I don’t need him in that department.

Maybe what I did is not right , maybe doing the same thing again and again but there is nothing to loose by trying to be kind to someone I think is in pain.

[job]

Lana,

There is no right or wrong way to deal w/someone in crisis. If you discover something that is working, then continue to do so. When something isn't working, chuck it.

I am glad to see that after your messages, he began to reach out to the children. Maybe he thought everyone was angry w/him, but you opened the door and allowed him to step over the threshold and enter into a "safe" place to communicate w/them.

Sometimes, we have to take a chance to see if they will nibble the crumbs that we offer. I think you did the right thing by reaching out as a "friend". If he knows/senses that you aren't expecting things of him, he just may reach out more and more as time moves along.

I'm very proud of you for taking this step...hopefully it will continue to pay off for your children and their father will want to spend more time w/them.

[Lana_71]

Thanks Job
That is what I thought of. Thanks a lot for your encouraging words. The thing is it sounds simple but the trick is how to be good with completely no expectations and without getting hurt if no response comes your way. Or you get the wrong response. I found out that my emotions kept going in my way. Feeling bad for myself or my kids . Or sometimes my ego of how I accept such a treatment. Feeling trapped.

The difference came when I decided I choose to stay and I need to treat him differently. He is not my H any more since he does not deal with us as if he feel like one. I also can’t and don’t want to force him to do anything but I still can say my opinion so why not to. Especially that he feels he has no voice and does not ask or request anything . And he is so stubborn will go for more than 6 month without getting a photo for his kids.

There is no way that is normal even if he has a great life.

So yesterday I was out he msg the kids they did not answer . That is fine he will need to understand they will need time and perseverance to also break what they feel even if they don’t talk about it.