I get the anger, I've been there and done that, and I am happy to say that it does start to dissipate. I will also say that I don't look back at anything I said or did in anger as a positive, and while I won't say that I regret it, I will say that I am happy that I limited those reactions to my anger strictly to my ww.
There were times when I hated that my WW did everything that she did and walked away with my son, dogs, furniture, basically our entire life minus me and the house. The thought of hurting her through my son crossed my mind a time or two, but I was always able to put what I believed to be his best interest above my wants, and I'm glad I was able to do that.
Although there was a time when the thought of him hating her for tearing our family apart appealed to me, but when their relationship actually became strained and distant (without any input from me), it hurt me to see him distant with his mother (I'm very close with my mother). In my opinion, my son deserves to have a great loving R with his parents, independent of how they feel about each other.
I wouldn't tell a father that he's wrong for telling his children information about what's going on their life, but I would hope that it was done in a loving, caring way, that wasn't done in a way to sway their R with either parent.
Your angry, and you probably will continue to be angry while you are forced to deal with her regarding the D, I hope that you can find a way to deal with that anger in a way that you won't regret later, when you have leveled out.
for what it's worth, I stopped talking to my W, I only communicated via text (or email when needed), and it allowed me to keep my cool and delay responses or reactions until I calmed down. My son was 16 when I started doing that, so I communicated directly with him regarding schedules, etc, and limited communication with her to only things that we HAD to discuss.
I hope you find a way to lose the anger, it doesn't have any positive or beneficial effect on the situation. It took me a long time to realize that she doesn't hold the control over me or our R; she didn't discard me like I don't matter. She did something that I won't accept in my M and I am moving forward on my own.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
So I walk away and meet S14 in the parking lot. S14 gives me the I don't want to talk about it speech and the whole seems obvious since W cheated. So I tell S14 that we aren't going to avoid talking about it. Mentioned that he is older now and deserves to know what's going on, even though I won't give him details. I tell him that I still love his mother, even though I don't like her. But I am divorcing her, because she won't stop cheating. And when kicked to the curb, she just finds anybody to just cheat with. Which I will no longer tolerate. Told him that W wants to suddenly rush to a divorce, because there suddenly is a new man in the picture. Gave him a brief history lesson on his grandma and great grandmother who exhibit the same behavior. And now W has followed in their footsteps of dysfunction. Letting him know that the behavior is not normal and shouldn't ignored and tolerated.
I was your S's age when my parents got divorced, and I was stuck in the middle of a terrible custody battle over my sister. To this day I carry the scars of the ugly, nasty things my dad said about my mom both in court and in private. Here's the thing, your S already knew the M was on the rocks, and he already knew his mom cheated. All you did was show him an ugly, hateful side of YOU. A side he really didn't want to see. A side I didn't want to see in my dad, and that changed my view of him forever. You're trying to explain this away as some kind of educational thing for your son, but the bottom line is your W hurt you and you're trying to hurt her back using your S. But all you did was hurt him.
I'm NOT going to question your motives as others have, but I am going to agree with the general tone that you took the wrong path here. Your S doesn't need to know that his mom is a POS. Regardless of whatever else she is, she's still his mom.
Doing anything to harm that relationship (for whatever reason) isn't where you need to be. The most likely outcome of doing that is to damage YOUR relationship with him. He's an innocent bystander, here, and (IMHO) your role here is to make sure he's done the least amount of harm by this that is reasonably possible.
My W is clearly basing her choice to leave this MR based on whatever man is willing to sleep with her and stick around. Based on this 25 year old around now my W clearly thrown out several or her so called values out the window with this guy. But lacking of morals is expected. My W was very hesitant about filing until this guy popped up in the picture. Now its full speed ahead. Kind of feel a little bad for the new OM. This kid doesn't have a clue of the pressure just thrown on his shoulders after only a month of meeting W.
Guess my question would be if if this guy ended things with W two weeks from now for example. Could I expect W to be knocking on my door or at least having doubts again about the divorce? I have no expectations whatsoever. But I am just curious about whether this is considered normal behavior of the WW? Wondering if this type of thinking has somehow always been ingrained in her?
Well, that's a question a psychiatrist would have to answer. Unfortunately, there have been other stories that described similar actions in their WW. Some reported having those type of behavior patterns in the WW's other family members, and some didn't. Not every WW goes to that extent, but some do act as if they have the crazies.......especially jumping from man to man.
Would she show up at your door if OM dumped her in a couple of weeks? I rather doubt it. Not unless she's completely destitute. Here's the thing.........if she did show up, she would not be different/changed.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I hear what you all are saying. Perhaps it was a bit rough, but that is the way I raised to handle things. My family is telling me that I did the right thing. Regardless of what you all think my intent was not to turn him against his mother. I even told him to make his own decisions regards to her. And I would love and support him regardless.
The harm I saw happening was W telling him that cheating was no really no big deal. And I refused to allow my W lack of morals to make this divorce some kind of thing that is no big deal. He needed to know why his mother was acting this way due to the family history.
And for the record, I have told him about dysfunctional people in my own family and why he should embrace such behavior. So it's not I solely sh*t on W family, but give my own a pass. Trying to instill real life lessons for this kid. Because when he is with his mother, it's three levels of dysfunction for a solid week. MIL who I prefer to not be in his life. With her bouncing from man to man, them complaining when no one does something for her. 50 years old and has accomplished nothing in her life.
SIL that is so much of a parrot for her sister that she would support anything regardless if it would somehow damage my son. She loves S14, but having her head up W a** is her priority. So that is the trio of dysfunction.
So my family is putting the word out on W. Apparently they are fed up with W staying in contact with my cousins, acting like everything is cool. Especially when W has said on numerous occasions that she wants nothing to with any of us. Also my parents feel it's only fair since she has told her family to cut me off. So at this point I didn't okay it or advise against it. I simply don't care.
Parents also suggested that I take back S14 house key, while I am out of town for Thanksgiving. They and others believe that she will bully him for the key. So they can have round 2 of trying to empty the house. So now I have to consider swinging by W place to get the key from him. Hate having to make such a decision, but I have to look out for myself.
It's practical advice, but is your S going to feel like you don't trust HIM? Why not just lock up the silver or whatever while you're gone, maybe set up a webcam covering the entry points so you can see if she shows up when she shouldn't, and call it a day?
If she has the right to enter your home, then key or no key, she has the right to enter the home (i.e. it would be lawful for her to break a window to enter). If she DOESN'T have the right to enter your home, then using your son's key would be a crime.
That is the tricky part. It's too late to go out and get a webcam. And the police 2 months ago told her that Mutual property couldn't be taken out of the home. And then the divorce decree we signed on Monday the home is being signed over to me. Thinking about Just taking photos of everything I know she would take.
Now I am worried about S14 being bullied by his mother into giving her the key. I trust him but I don't want them to have that kind of pressure on him either. This is the bad part of having to deal with a No Good Wife who would manipulate her own child.
So I open a letter from the bank, which came in the mail yesterday. Apparently W hasn't made a single car payment for the vehicle she has been driving in three months. Got call these folks tomorrow to explain we are getting a divorce and the vehicle will officially be hers. Pretty sure her irresponsibility will effect my credit. Half tempted to escort the repo mam/woman personally to her house to take the car. Instead I'll just give the new address and call it a day. Considering if I should warn her abiut the repo man. But that is technically no longer my responsibility.
