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It wasn't her and I did apologize for laughing. Just the way it was phrased amused me. That is all.

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Yes I am angry about how she treats me. Kind of angry she won't move out and stay with friends at least for a while. Being told point blank I need to make Thanksgiving dinner for her and the in-laws, then go out for the night so they can enjoy dinner.

Yes I am angry she acts like I am in house baby-sitter, house cleaner and bill paying service. If she wants a divorce that is fine she needs to leave. The expectation that I pay her bills and my BIL bills while they do what they want is utter crap.

No I am not sending the email and deleted the draft. It just felt good to type it and get it out. Read up on validation statements, need to commit them to memory.

As to the laughing it just kind of happened.

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Was there a time in your marriage you felt connected to your W?

It sounds like you're angry with her...and rightly so, I get it...I'm angry at my H too. But I'm thinking you should take a step back. When she gets unreasonable...and for definite asking you to cook for her family then expect you to make yourself scarce is pretty up there on the unreasonable scale...say in one sentence, don't be ridiculous and then leave it. That sort of disrespect doesn't warrant your time or effort.

It doesn't mean you're a doormat because you will have stood up for yourself calmly and firmly, and then get on with YOUR plans. The more she see's she can't get a rise out of you the more she'll notice.

Is there a reason you're paying your BIL bills? Is he appreciative? Or are you getting the same level of disrespect from him too?


Me 50 H 48
S 23 S 21 D 19
Together 31 years
Married 25 years
Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010
Separated September 2017
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After reading someone else's post. I would like to mention my wife has totally stopped wearing wedding ring. Not a big deal since it doesn't fit her.

My oldest daughter also told me yesterday the W has been referring to me as her ex-husband since at least April of this year. Still a bit peeved her step-daughter knows more about this mess than I do.

My daughter already told me she will testify in court against me in order to make sure my wife gets the children. When I asked for an explanation on that. She said what ever it takes to make sure her step-mom gets the house, the children and alimony. That if I was smart I would make this easier on myself before it actually gets bad for me. She wouldn't elaborate on that.

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To be honest I am really torn about this. On one hand I want my own life back with the children. I make more than enough money to support the children and pay childcare. So really don't need her to help raise the kids or her brother.

On the other hand I love her and would love nothing more than to fix it. So the fighting has gone on so long just getting to that point I don't care anymore.

I think in some ways she is telling me stop being a jerk. Rather than out and saying it she is acting out which has occurred to me. She does an awful lot to reassure me that she is not cheating again.

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Originally Posted By: Daystar
Yes I am angry about how she treats me.


You mean you are angry about how YOU are LETTING HER treat you. Case in point:

Quote:
Being told point blank I need to make Thanksgiving dinner for her and the in-laws, then go out for the night so they can enjoy dinner.


Now THAT would have been the perfect time to laugh. Wow. Yeah I agree with Caz, that's an opportunity to show your W you're not a doormat. I'm curious what your response was?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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About Thanksgiving I am considering it for the children. They deserve a drama free holiday with family. Also I know at the moment that I am not in control of my emotional states anymore.

Normally the dynamic of what she calls fighting. Is she sits and tells me how it is my fault and I just listen. Really don't contribute much to the conversation. Apologize for what I agree our my fault and try to be understanding about the rest. Honestly this mess has improved my listening and validation skills immensely.

Thing is what she says actually hurts a great deal. So I try to withdraw from the conversation and then it gets worse. My book comes today so can't wait to read it and start practicing it.

I know I need to put me first but kind of in a bind. My family doesn't live anywhere near us and my friends moved out of the city about 6 months ago. Plus I am not comfortable with her brother raising my children while she is doing god knows what. So I go home to be a parent. If she is home that night I will leave when they go to bed. Drive 40 miles out to a truck stop and sleep for the night. Drive 40 miles home in the morning and then get the kids ready for school.

So on Thanksgiving it is a catch 22 from the way I look at it. If I don't do it then it won't be done at all. Children don't have a Thanksgiving with the family. If I do make it then I am showing my children it is okay if people treat you that way.

My 7 year old is already telling me she can't wait to meet her new daddy since she hates me. Guess that is what I get for making her clean her room lol.

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Originally Posted By: Daystar
Drive 40 miles out to a truck stop and sleep for the night. Drive 40 miles home in the morning and then get the kids ready for school.

How about instead, you find some friends. What GAL activity is there to do near where you are?

Originally Posted By: Daystar
So on Thanksgiving it is a catch 22 from the way I look at it. If I don't do it then it won't be done at all. Children don't have a Thanksgiving with the family. If I do make it then I am showing my children it is okay if people treat you that way.

There will ALWAYS be something. And if you use this excuse, then youll never draw the line and grow your b@lls back. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, end of school, start of school, 4th of July, etc, etc, etc, etc.

You are showing that you dont care how you are treated.

And if you dont care, then why should anyone else?

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I do care how I am treated. Just it isn't as important to me as most other things on a day to day basis. Believe it or not I am happy with myself as a person. Pretty great dad. My FIL would rather talk to me than his own children most of the time.

My idea of a good time would be reading a good book or playing a game. Occasionally pool but most tables are in bars. I still want to drink to deal with the problems. So a bar isn't the best place for me. Been looking into another Martial Arts class, Guitar Lessons or going back to school.

So confidence I have in spades. I am successful at my work and the go to guy. Have a problem they know come to me and it will get resolved. If it looks impossible then it definitely ends up on my desk.

Guess I am like a lot of men. Man out of the house but bow before the wife. Can't remember when I stopped standing up for myself with her. That actually bothers me quite a bit.

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Originally Posted By: Daystar
I do care how I am treated.

Like I said before...actions, not words.

Your actions are showing me (and her) that you dont.

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