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Maika Offline OP
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Yeh J & LH - I am pretty aware of not falling into the friend zone. I know these interactions are not a sign of recon or her having second thoughts or anything. I am not attaching any hopes or expectations that these interactions will lead to more things. I am going to go ahead with the mindset that they are just small positive chill interactions and keep doing my thing in the mean time.

I will never be cool being in the friend zone and she's not just going to be able to call me up and be her emotional support system. I am giving her a chance to see what she might be missing and then it's in her court.

I remember Benito went quite a few months NC/dark and then his W came around slowly with a few interactions and then wanting to spend time with him. I remember he said that he would always imagine what the next day would look like for him and what he's doing when she's not around. This helped him not get his hopes up and attach any expectations to these meets. I am trying to do something similar and my day today is going as I had planned it before.

But she's never going to be my buddy and I still plan on remaining mysterious and doing my thing. Still not initiating anything and doing my DBing with GAL and focusing on my goals.
She wants to walk away from me then so be it at the end, but it ain't over till it's over.

Btw, I made some new buddies at my climbing gym and got a new climbing buddy. Expanding my social network slowly smile


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M - My approach has been friendly and upbeat when I am around her. I still do not initiate conversation via text message or email unless it is kid related or money. I have not stopped doing that. When I am around her we will joke some, engage in some small chit-chat but nothing in-depth or serious, very surface level discussions. I have been inside her apartment a few times picking up the kids, etc but for never more than 5 minutes or so. I still don't linger. I have loosened up some and so has she. For example, when she picked up the kids on Sunday she came to the door and I motioned for her to come in. 3 months ago she would have knocked and waited for me to let her in. She was wound pretty tight.

My W has not confided in me emotionally, she has reached out a couple of times for my assistance on a couple of things but it was obvious that she had tried very hard on her own without having to call me. Very early on she wanted me to come over and help her with her smoke alarm however I declined and told her to call maintenance. Since then I do know she has been very careful about what to ask me for.

I guess I would just be careful of doing too much hanging out, lingering etc. unless it is centered around the kids.

Good for you! I played basketball this am and sat around afterwards for 20 min or chatting with the guys.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Maika Offline OP
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I learned the lesson the hard way last time. I thought she was sending me mixed messages and her actions were not lining up with her words and I was trying to figure out the maze.

The process also got my hopes and expectations up and I felt my heart was being yanked around.

This time around I am much wiser and I definitely do not want to put myself emotionally in the same place as before. I don't anticipate too much hanging out just us, but there will be kids stuff for sure. I am still going full speed on my life and if she wants to join me, then we'll have to cross that bridge then.

Right now it's just showing her that there is a safe path if she wants, but I am not hanging my hopes on it.

And you're right J - if my W is done and done like yours then nothing I do or show is going to bring them to change course. So I have to focus on the best for me and the kids.


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Originally Posted By: LH19
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
I think everything sounds just fine, LH told me about a month ago that I entered the friend zone.


Just to clarify, there is nothing wrong with being in the friend zone as long as you are ok with it.


Sure there is. You want to be the ONE husband, not ONE OF her friends.

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My point was some people are ok just being friends when the marriage is over. I have a friend who is ok with it.

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The only thing I would like is for my girls to be comfortable with my W and I in the same room that we can be friendly towards each other for their benefit. I don't want them to feel awkward. If/when this happens we are going to be in each others lives for years so the smoother the better IMO. In order to make that happen though I have had to keep my emotions in check. Thats' where the IC and you all have really helped!

Currently I am trying to walk the fine line of treating her like a friendly neighboor, being a good co-parent while trying to keep the road free and clear if there is to be a return. Trying to do this while building attraction is a balance IMO but I think that is where the not pursuing, no R talks, NC, droping the rope and taking care of yourself physically and building confidence comes in.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Maika Offline OP
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Yeah good points everyone. I just want to make it clear that I am not going down the road where W and I become 'friends'. If that happens like ten years down the line, that's a different story. But, for now, that is not an acceptable situation to me.

Like J, I am trying to walk a fine line with this as there is no confirmed OM. Since I saw her the other day, I haven't pursued or followed up on anything, except her text which I acknowledged. I've left it in her court and I am still continuing my DB path and focusing on myself.

I am trying to accomplish two things - being my authentic self that only a fool would leave; and, keeping the path safe and clear if she wants a way back. This doesn't mean that if she shows genuine signs of recon that I'll just take her back. There's a lot of work to do if that happens.

I just want to get over the anger and bitterness and learn how to manage some semblance of a relationship with someone who I have to co-parent with. It's good for the kids if we are in the same room and we can just be relaxed.

I am not trying to nice my way back in because it doesn't work and it's not my MO any more. I am working had to shed the NGS nonsense and this is part of it. I will only do what is comfortable for me and keep emotions in check and expectations at sub zero levels.


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I think everything you said you're doing makes sense. Given no evidence of OM, then being pleasant in your interactions is the right thing to do.

Time-wise, you are not even a year after BD. Have you thought about how long you would stay in your current state?


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Maika Offline OP
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Hey FastCars, thanks for dropping by!

Yes, I am still in the first year of BD; it's been about six months since we separated and about 7ish months since BD.

Where I am at, I can't file for D until 12 months of separation have passed. So, that takes me to June 2018. I don't think D is the solution here, but if she follows through on it, I won't offer any resistance. I really don't want to fight for someone who doesn't want to be with me.

She has always had serious issues following through on things. So, I am not sure if she will file for D when time comes or not.

Right now she's wrapped up in her work and a part time graduate program, which are both demanding and take up a lot of her time. I don't think she's even thinking about the MR and I know she doesn't want to work on it right now and has said to me she has a lot of anger.

Realistically, I think if she did want to come back, it won't happen until June next year when he program ends. Or that might seal the deal in this being completely over as she gets used to her single life. I dunno. You could DB your a$$ off but if they're done, then nothing really is going to bring them back. I am slowly coming to that realization, which in turn is helpful in detachment and just moving on with my life.

I don't have a concrete timeline in the traditional sense. As I've said, I don't want to file for D out of desperation or impatience. I will take that step from a place of strength and confidence. I don't want to use the D as a technique to get her back and be in a place where I don't care one way or the other when I file.

So, my timeline is really dictated by getting to a place where I have achieved my goals. I want to wake up one day and look myself in the mirror and be truly happy and see that I am a good, healthy, happy man. And then have that sentiment consistently over some time to ensure that I am really in a good place with myself.

At that point, I will visit the decision about the D. All my short term goals have a rough timeline until next summer, which is realistic in terms of achieving them.

At one point in the last few months, she told me that I have always been AMAZING - which was really ironic considering she's left me. In my head, I was like - AMAZING IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? That made me laugh and chuckle a bit.

I want her to see what she's lost and right now that is partly driven by some revenge and anger. But, when I think about it clearly, I don't think she deserves who I am even right now, warts and all. Forget six months from now where I will be in a better place.

Long answer to your question, but my timeline is really dictated by my own sense of accomplishment and not her. I control that timeline and when I am ready for the next step, which will be D and finding someone who can appreciate me for who I am, I will unhesitatingly take it.


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Maika, sorry for the delayed response. I do think before you get too far out that a change in your approach can't hurt so long as you ensure it looks nothing like pursuit. As discussed, the bonus for you is you are not aware of OM and the reality is, although we have time to think about these things, if you haven't seen evidence of OM in 6+ months, it's probably because there isn't one...yet. What you don't want is to regret not making a change in your approach after she meets someone. Once she does, I do expect you will notice a big change in her demeanor. I doubt very much there will be hugs. So go ahead, but do it in subtle ways.

For example, make an offhand comment about some fun activity you have planned with the kids. If she bites by asking more about it, or says, that sounds like fun, then extend a casual invite by simply saying, "the kids would love to have you there if you wanna join us, in fact, D5 asked if mommy was coming" (even if she didn't). No chance she verifies that with D5. That's one advantage of having young children if R is still the goal. If she doesn’t bite, no invite.

Don't overdo it though. There were a few family invites that I declined in the past year or so that may have had us in a better place today if accepted. The problem you have of course with refusing these offers, they eventually stop coming. Because this is them swallowing their pride a little and if the answer from us is consistently no, that sends a message. But...but, if you accept, you need to make sure you're not trying too hard, keep it about the kids, follow her lead. Maybe even cut it short early and say you have to get the kids home for whatever reason. Leave her wanting more! Another reality, she can find nothing that competes with having her children with both parents at the same time. No matter who she (or you) might bring into the fold at some point in the future, it can't compare to the family unit, especially from the perspective of the children. My kids freak out when they see us together. That in and of itself might be telling, if she comes back for more, a good clue where her head is at. If she doesn't, it's because it's too painful a reminder of a life she has no intention of going back to and doesn't want the children getting accustomed to being with both mommy and daddy.

The important point here I think is you don’t want your NC to have them thinking that they can’t approach you with something, a suggestion that may work as one small step toward mending the relationship. Somehow you have to let them know you are still agreeable without putting any pressure on them to look your way.

At some point, if she is thinking at all about whether she overreacted, or is having regrets (both of which she will NEVER admit), she will say or do something that reminds you of the W you had when you were married. Then it's on...

But I don't want to influence your DB'ing, you are doing great since the big experiment and learned a valuable lesson there. These women are difficult to understand and may still just be waiting for another opportunity to say no. Bear in mind that I am nowhere near a reconciliation. Indeed, you seem to be in a much better place right now (but could still be just as far from reconciliation as I am, that’s the problem, you never really know). If you read the most recent post by Coconut, his ex-wife is being nice and he now realizes there is no going back and really wants nothing to do with her “niceness”, it sickens him (his words). You really have to wait for them to get to a point where there can be no mistaking how they will respond when you finally say, "Are we actually doing this again?" And even then, even then, she might respond with "maybe".

As someone once said, in twenty years, who gives a $hit anyway?? So you had to eat some crow by agreeing to let her eat some cake once every couple weeks (or once/month seems like a good concession without being too nice), if she warms a bit and begins spending more time with you and the kids, it necessarily means less time for one of her girlfriends to say, "you know, my husband has this single friend who is a super nice guy..."

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