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Originally Posted By: Joseph9
Resisting the temptation after 5 months of no R talks to give in and say WTF. What is going here? What are we doing? Let's get this over with, you have had almost 7 months make a fuching decision. Resisting those temptations is hard some times.


J,
There is nothing wrong with doing this as long as you a ready for the answer you may not want to hear and you are ready to move on.

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Maika Offline OP
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Quote:
To me all of this about taking the high road, being stoic, resolute, diplomatic but firm. I also think you can be this way but still show her a path back. I still don't initiate conversation but when she does I am a little more interactive, if it is informational I now respond with a TY vs nothing at all, when we are together I will initiate a little general conversation, I try to be warm and happy. When she is talking to me I find her leaning into conversations at times and I will do the same.


Yeah I need to warm up a little and just change it up. I think it will be good for my own personal growth as this is not the kind of behavior I usually engage in. Gotta stop cutting people off at the knees and walking away lol.


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Quote:
I get about not breaking rank, but you seem to have had a frequency of interactions with W over the past 7 months and it seems that she's progressively started to thaw and chill. From where I see it, she's had a hard time deciding about Xmas, let alone coming to a place where she feels certain about the MR.


Yes, seems to be starting to thaw and chill. What that means I have no idea.


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I don't think it would be an indication of you letting your family and daughters down - you can only do so much and if it's crickets from the other party, then you have to control on what you can, which is yourself.


TBH the past 6 months has went by pretty fast. So if the rule is 1 mth for year of MR then I potentially have another 9 months to go before there is a possibility. When I really think about it you either pull the plug early or make the decision your in for the long haul. Why pull the plug after 6 months? Have you really accomplished anything?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
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Maika Offline OP
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I see you point LH, but doesn't something like that just put a reset button on all the work that you've put in. I felt like I had to start from scratch when I did that and it sucked big time.


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Maika Offline OP
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Quote:
Why pull the plug after 6 months? Have you really accomplished anything?


I agree with that completely. Not enough time for the LBS to have worked on making lasting changes as well. Pulling the plug early just feels like one has run out of patience. I just don't want to do it until I am super confident that no stone was left unturned from my end.


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Ok...well I guess I just answered my own question. smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Originally Posted By: Maika
I see you point LH, but doesn't something like that just put a reset button on all the work that you've put in.


No. Doesn't change the work you put in. IMO if J feels that 7 months of giving her space with no pressure is long enough for her to figure out what she wants (which I agree with him)then he can call her on it.

There is a risk that the longer this goes on the more she gets comfortable living single and as the saying goes about the monkey grabbing the next branch before letting go of the first branch.

When is enough enough?

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I think something is going to happen 1 way or another over the holidays. I would also think that she would have some thoughts 1 way or another in the back of her mind of what she wanted at this point. Would another 6 months or so really make the difference? I thought about waiting until the Spring as that is when her lease would be up and obviously she would need to decide to renew for another year or not.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Maika Offline OP
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Yeh I think we're touching on the same points in some way. I guess when I did the temp check with my W, it was way too early and what I got back from her was not what I wanted to hear. In my case at least, I will have to wait for a few more months before I feel like it's time to do that again.

So the timeline for J to bring this up makes sense. The difference is having this convo vs. pulling the plug, the latter which I think would require more time.

But, sounds like you're going to get something after the holidays J - with the mediation text and the stuff your friends told you recently.

W had told me she thought MC was going to be a waste of time and money as she has a lot of anger and didn't think the MC would help restore the marriage considering what she's feeling. So, my only option is to let her run it out and then see - but this can't go on for indefinitely, and the game changes if there is a confirmed OM.


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Maika Offline OP
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Paging Sandi here!!! Just read something you wrote on a different thread and I have a question.

My W has told me she has a lot of anger towards me and doesn't think going to MC will help as she is too angry to work on the marriage. I agree with that as I don't want to go to MC unless there is commitment to work on the MR.

My question is - what are some things that I can do in this time when she's dealing with her anger. Some of it is justifiably directed at me, but a lot of it's not. Is there any way I can help thaw it out?

Thanks Sandi. I wish there was a way to actually send you a message but I hope that you will come by my thread by some magic and help me with this one.


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