Thanks Nicole. My journey has been up and down and in the early days of me DBing, I was getting a lot of mixed signals from W, which I didn't know what to make of. So, about 2 months ago I just reached out to her and did a huge temp check. Not exactly DBing, but I needed to have clarity and what she was thinking at that point. After that, I have basically been NC/Dark. She made her position clear and that took me out of my tailspin and trying to control and figure out things. So, it's been a lot more relaxed and positive for me since then. I have no idea what W is thinking or feeling. It's not like I don't care, but I am just indifferent. I know the value I bring to the game and if she's not wanting to join the team, then that's her loss. I am not waiting for her. I am just waiting for me and all my decisions are going to be based on me and how I am feeling. My timeline is really just driven by my goals. Once I reach them and keep maintaining, I will then think about next steps. I am slowly losing all the fear about divorce and life after. I know I am going to be more than fine and my kids will have a stellar dad to hold things down for them and have their back. W can do whatever she wants, it's truly not my concern. I don't pry and I don't ask about anything.
J dawg - yes, I work out Mon, Wed, Fri and go climbing on Mon, Tues, and Sunday. Sunday is with the kids on alternate weekends when I have them. The home gym is awesome and I am so happy to have access to it whenever I want to. If I need to burn or some anxiety or whatever, I can just got bench a few sets and get the endorphins going.
Spent the weekend fixing up the place a bit more and figured out the xmas lights. I have to pick them up tonight and will be putting them on. Going to make this xmas a lot more festive than usual and going to put up the lights in the house and kids rooms. Just brighten up everything for them. We'll go pick out a tree soon, which will be fun.
My boss just came over and gave a nice bottle of scotch for my work this year. So, that was really nice as I have put tons and tons of time on some very important things that were executed beautifully. It's good to get the recognition. Now, time to get a pay raise in 2018, which should be great.
Life is happening and not just sitting idly by. Making moves and taking charge. Truly empowering.
I'm putting this here to avoid hijacking Joseph's thread.
Maika, you keep mentioning how angry you are with your wife because of how the separation is affecting the kids. It's as if you think her decision was selfish.
You have described here how you were controlling and critical of your wife and kids, and how you made her feel like less of a parent because she did things differently than you. Do you understand how living in that environment beats a person down?
Sometimes a person has to put on their own oxygen mask first, before they can help others. Based on what you've shared over the months, I can see why your wife might have felt separation was the only answer, despite your many stellar qualities, and why she is not able to commit to working on the marriage at this time.
I'm not saying this is all your fault, or that she doesn't have her own issues.
This is just what I see on the other side of the monitor. I offer it in the hope that it will help you move past the anger, which is bad for all of you.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Yes, you are absolutely correct in what you said and even though I disagree with the separation route, I have come to a place of acceptance that this was the only option that W felt was right at the time. I don't have any anger towards her about how the S impacted me. The only piece of anger left is the impact on my kids, which is something I am working on and time will tell how I can handle it.
I don't have any resentment towards her either. I have made good strides in digging deep about my controlling behavior and IC has helped immensely with that. My relationship with the kids has improved significantly because I have let go of the control and actively managed my emotions and being self-aware. I am not giving a pat on the back to myself, but just that I didn't sweep this under the rug.
I am okay with her not wanting to work on the MR right now just because I know there are issues that W needs to deal with that are outside of me and the MR. Those are 'her' issues. I don't know if she's in a place to tackle them yet, but I sincerely hope she does.
I just know that I am not in a place to be her 'friend'. I am very pro-active with her about co-parenting and the wellbeing of our kids. I am not letting any of the MR issues filter down to parenting the kids. And so far, we have worked well on that. There's room for improvement and we're getting a handle on our communications about it.
It's hard to move past the anger about the impact on the kids when I see it daily how this is affecting them. It's hard to trust in 'time will heal' perspective when things are happening in the 'now' with the kids.
I do feel like crap about some of my faults in the MR, but I have owned up to them and holding myself accountable to it. She hasn't even expressed how she let the MR down, which makes me upset because I don't feel like she's taken ownership of her actions. Maybe she has but has not expressed to me concretely. Where we are at now, that would only make sense if she wanted to work on the MR and we were in MC. But, her expressing it at this point is not going to bring any closure or make me feel better.
Hey folks!! Not much has changed - still NC/Dark and that is going well for me. W hasn't reached out either for anything and she's not been in my head space as much in the past few days.
Kids and I went climbing yesterday and just like always it was a lot of fun. I had another woman checking me out and it wasn't sure if she was a mom or just taking care of a couplea kids. She was very pretty and I exchanged some pleasantries with her as my kids were waiting on the route her kids were climbing. She was gorgeous and if I was in a position where I had 'moved on', I would've definitely struck up a conversation with her.
Anyways, it's nice to feel noticed. I wasn't looking particularly good or anything - didn't get all spiffed up to go climbing - but I guess my confidence and personality is coming out. I was having fun with my kids a lot and I was encouraging them on their climbs and what not.
She was gorgeous and if I was in a position where I had 'moved on', I would've definitely struck up a conversation with her.
I've been reading so many comments like this on the board lately, what is wrong with you guys?? TALK TO THEM! You've got to relearn how to be sexy and flirty and attractive, it is going to serve you well whether you reconcile or not. You want your W to learn to miss you? Well believe me, if she sees you flirting with an attractive woman or hears about it, that is going to create some serious jealousy deep down inside her. Suddenly you're not just Plan B that she can tag in whenever she wants, you are someone other women find attractive that they may actively pursue once they find out you're becoming available.
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but I guess my confidence and personality is coming out.
Haha Thanks AS!!! I will definitely heed your advice and be more social. I know that I am in a place where nothing would happen, but I definitely do need to be able to be sexy and flirtatious and attractive.
Heard you loud and clear! Will as usual come back and report on my adventures.
BTW - your R with your GF sounds frikkin' awesome. Imma be aiming for that and bedroom adventures included.
Had a mixed day. Work was good and then I had a GAL activity planned but I was feeling a bit lazy, but I got myself out of the laziness funk and just went and it was good. So much of GAL and everything right now is just pushing myself for the first 30 seconds and then it's alright.
Missed my kids a lot after the GAL activity. Also really missed the intimacy with W - being physically close; having the familiar smell of her skin; just nuzzling up with her etc. Just missed that familiarity and connection a lot this evening.
Made me also feel a bit sad thinking about whether she misses the same things from me right now. My guess is probably not because she's so angry at me and probably can't really stand being around me for too long without negative thoughts coming back. Also started thinking about if she's getting her needs met by someone else and that just made me a bit mad.
So, just a weird day in general. Came home and made myself a good dinner and listened to a podcast while having dinner.
I know I will have such days and I missed her a lot today. Maybe just missed having that close connection and the intimacy.
Hey M sorry you are struggling today. My D;s and I decorated our Christmas tree tonight and I was a little down as this was the first time this happened without my W. I think your feelings are normal as I miss some of the things about my W was well, our family unit being together and just being connected. I am sure she has had the same thoughts and I am sure she is going through her own struggles.
Will as usual come back and report on my adventures.