Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Cali,

I like that too: not my story to tell. I too have tried to defend her from questions. I guess I don’t have o do that anymore. And no, I don’t want to feed the gossips.

Update:

So stbx finally talked to me about the d. She said she is frustrated with her L because he is so slow. She is waiting for his comments but said she wants to sign ASAP. In the meantime, she also asked that we do Thanksgiving together. I said that was fine as long as OM2 was not a part of it. And she said okay to that.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Update:

I think Roist or Brubeck predicted this. So stbx asked me today if we could still live together after D. I said no. She seemed genuinely surprised by this. No, I will never understand this. Ever.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
I am not surprised that she WAS surprised. My h asked for the most outlandish "terms" and was shocked when I immediately said no. As I have written before, he thought he was going to go sleep around 'til he wee hours of the morning then come back home to play house. He wanted to eat a whole bakery worth of cake. You can't stop the crazy train but you can get off at the nearest stop.

I am late to the game on the kids disrespecting her. But if I may chime in? My advice is that you always tell w that you're never going to condone/normalize extra marrital affairs. You can calmly say "of course you have every right to teach them whatever values you want to, but I intend to exercise the same right." I am sorry but they shouldn't respect her right now. And acting like they should sends mixed messages. So affairs are amoral unless it's my mom happening to have one?

I would not be surprised if her lawyer is not the one being slow but rather she is the one dragging her feet a bit.

She stands to lose a lot in divorce. You do, too. We all do.But (and it's a big but) you will maintain your self respect.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I agree w/HaWho 100%. They come up w/some of the most outlandish ideas for what will take place after a divorce. They think things will go on being the same and that you will be best buds and allow them to continue living under the same roof as well as being there to bail them out of whatever they get into. That isn't what divorce is all about...but in their minds...it's nothing but a piece of paper and they think that we will remain right where they left us.

As for dragging her feet...my money is on her doing it, not the lawyer. Trust me, the lawyer will love her doing this because it's more money in his/her pocket if it continues to drag out and you are going back and forth on trivial stuff.

Hang in there and know that no matter what you decide, we will support you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Gordie, I'm not surprised she said that, nor that she was surprised when you said no. And it's good that you told her so clearly. Here's how she thinks it will work - life carries on very much like now - all the comforts of a family home - but she gets to live the 'single' life and carries on seeing OM etc.

Here's how it will work - you'll S and you will rebuild your own life - perhaps dating in time. She will need to take responsibility for finances, children, balancing commitments etc. But her mind isn't really thinking of that - or of you and your needs right now. Still, life teaches us lessons and they will be learned for sure....

Before we S, XH told me about a colleague who had multiple A's and he and his W S multiple times before deciding to live in a M that was 'open' for him. XH told me this story as though it was a good outcome and something to aim for. My response was - wow that sounds like such a nightmare and what a painful thing to go through...

Boundaries are so important in your situation and I'm glad to see you holding firm on 'how this is going to work for me once we D'

Take care and keep moving forwards :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
HaWho: I am not surprised that she WAS surprised. My h asked for the most outlandish "terms" and was shocked when I immediately said no. As I have written before, he thought he was going to go sleep around 'til he wee hours of the morning then come back home to play house. He wanted to eat a whole bakery worth of cake. You can't stop the crazy train but you can get off at the nearest stop.

G: thank you. Yes, she feels entitled to unlimited cake and I think my bake shop can’t produce enough to meet her demand. Sadly, I feel divorce and physical separation is the only way for me to get off the crazy train. I wish there was another way.

H: i am late to the game on the kids disrespecting her. But if I may chime in? My advice is that you always tell w that you're never going to condone/normalize extra marrital affairs. You can calmly say "of course you have every right to teach them whatever values you want to, but I intend to exercise the same right." I am sorry but they shouldn't respect her right now. And acting like they should sends mixed messages. So affairs are amoral unless it's my mom happening to have one?

G: wow, that hit me like a 2x4 and a much needed one. I had a talk with one of the teenagers and your words gave me the encouragement to say simply, I think adultery is wrong and I don’t want you to think that I condone it. Having that conversation with stbx? I don’t think it helps me to initiate this conversation with stbx but feel more equipped to handle it when it comes up. But whether or not we ever discuss it, it’s how I will act. For the little ones, I fear there is nothing I can do. Stbx is absolutely trying to normalize her R with OM2 and they accept him as mommy’s special friend.

H: I would not be surprised if her lawyer is not the one being slow but rather she is the one dragging her feet a bit. She stands to lose a lot in divorce. You do, too. We all do.But (and it's a big but) you will maintain your self respect.

G: I do believe I have maintained my self respect. I re read J3B and the reminder at all the bad decisions the MLCer will make. And yes, my job now is to jus step back and let her make those choices and try to protect the children as much as possible.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Job: agree w/HaWho 100%. They come up w/some of the most outlandish ideas for what will take place after a divorce. They think things will go on being the same and that you will be best buds and allow them to continue living under the same roof as well as being there to bail them out of whatever they get into. That isn't what divorce is all about...but in their minds...it's nothing but a piece of paper and they think that we will remain right where they left us.

G: she absolutely believes we will remain BFFs. I have said that is not the case but she doesn’t believe me. And yes, I have been helping her understand the finances and what it will take to maintain the home but I think that’s the decent thing to do and in my children’s best interest.

J: As for dragging her feet...my money is on her doing it, not the lawyer. Trust me, the lawyer will love her doing this because it's more money in his/her pocket if it continues to drag out and you are going back and forth on trivial stuff.

G: think you and HaWho may be right so will talk to my L about driving this to completion.

J: Hang in there and know that no matter what you decide, we will support you.

G: to be clear, I am still interested in R but think at this point D is necessary. My d b coach and others here have warned me that some like my stbx won’t even consider R until D is actually done. I really hoped it wasn’t going to come to this but when OM2 and full on PA started, my boundary was crossed. I refuse to stay in the M under these circumstances. Is there any other way?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Sotto: Gordie, I'm not surprised she said that, nor that she was surprised when you said no. And it's good that you told her so clearly. Here's how she thinks it will work - life carries on very much like now - all the comforts of a family home - but she gets to live the 'single' life and carries on seeing OM etc.

G: given how much I contribute to the housekeeping and childcare, I do worry that she won’t be able to handle it without me, but can’t worry about that now.

S: Here's how it will work - you'll S and you will rebuild your own life - perhaps dating in time. She will need to take responsibility for finances, children, balancing commitments etc. But her mind isn't really thinking of that - or of you and your needs right now. Still, life teaches us lessons and they will be learned for sure....

G: I think she’s gonna have to learn that stuff the hard way.

S: Before we S, XH told me about a colleague who had multiple A's and he and his W S multiple times before deciding to live in a M that was 'open' for him. XH told me this story as though it was a good outcome and something to aim for. My response was - wow that sounds like such a nightmare and what a painful thing to go through...

G: great response. I don’t think I’m so good in the moment. I just am still so shocked that I wind up saying nothing, shaking my head in disbelief.

S: Boundaries are so important in your situation and I'm glad to see you holding firm on 'how this is going to work for me once we D'. Take care and keep moving forwards :-)

G: thanks and will do so. Like Kyh and ForGump, I think stbx is going to be very needy after d, so need to figure out how much help I will provide. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
So stbx met with her L. Great news is she agreed to my 50-50 custody proposal as opposed to the every other weekend she proposed (I decided that was what was most important to me and I compromised on money). A huge thank you to ginger, jeep, rose, LT, ForGump, Cali, chris73 and others who told me I could do this when I didn’t think it was possible. Bad news is she is fighting one last financial issue. Hopefully we can agree on that soon and get this done.

Between the two of us, she has been super friendly but I am at the LBS stage where I am repelled by her. I’m not mean but I definitely keep my physical and emotional distance.

The hardest day of the week for me is Sunday. That used to be our family day of church and brunch and a family activity. Now because she knows I will take the kids to church on Sunday morning, Saturday is one of the nights she goes for sleepovers with OM2. She drops back in on Sunday at some point and is all cheery. The kids have stopped asking where is mommy, where is mommy.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Gordie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
One more thing: I know it’s not their fault but when the little kids talk about OM2 and their activities with him and the gifts he buys them, it drives me nuts. It’s emotionally torturing me. Argh!!!


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard