Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[LH19]

I miss being a family and doing family events. I miss all of us together going on an adventure.

Why can't just the three of you go on these adventures? What will be different?

[EastTN]

I agree with LH. I felt exactly the way you do, I had an overwhelming sense of loss, that things could not and would not ever feel "right." But the truth is that my relationship with my D is better than it's EVER been. On the weekends that I have her, we're ALWAYS doing something, when we wouldn't have done more than go to the park or something in the past. Through the week, we sing every night at bedtime. The amount of QUALITY time we have is an order of magnitude more than it was before. So go have your adventures, and cherish every second of them!

I still wish that D never had to go through this. I still miss her having an intact family, and I miss that sometimes too. But that's all I miss. I don't miss XW anymore, and I wonder WHY I missed her at all--every day I see how bad things were a little more clearly.

[sandi2]

She treated me like cr@p, but I still miss those times

This statement just jumped out at me. How can you miss those times when your W treated you like cr@p?

It reminds me of when my sister was M to a man who treated her like cr@p. She wanted so badly to have a loving MR, and she would lie to family members and make him sound like Mr. Wonderful. Truth was, he abused her.

So, I have to ask myself what in the heck did you miss about it? Sounds to me like you and the kids could have really enjoyed those times if your W had stayed away. Unfortunately, your D is learning how to treat her future H by watching her mom. And, your S is watching you to learn how he is suppose to respond to a bullying W.

That got me thinking again, what if there is no OM? What if having no one is preferable to having me? That thought hurt. Being dumped because someone better (in her eyes) came along is one thing. But being dumped because she just can't stand me any more and would prefer solitude, that hurts.

I wonder if I've tried to convince myself there's an OM to lessen the pain. I wonder if she's trying to get me to think there's no OM, and I'm falling into her trap.

These statements concern me, Holding. Your self esteem must be running next to zero for a long time. Why are you choosing to live in these conditions? Do you believe you can't do better?

If you think that she'll get better if you just give it enough time, you need to drop those thoughts immediately. As long as she has mistreated you and not had any consequences for her actions........it's only going to get worse. I don't know that anything could turn her around, but I know a WW won't change as long as she can walk all over you.

My advice is to physically S, ASAP.

[Holding]

LH, man, why you keep busting my chops? You and East are right. My sons and I will have new adventures without STBXW.

I can definitely see me and S10 having a closer relationship than before. S14, I'm not so sure about. After our weekend hunting trip, he's giving me a lot of disrespect and I've had to put in place several consequences that he's not at all happy with. I'm honestly worried that this will hurt my R with him and possibly even hurt me in the D. But my IC tells me I have to parent as best I can and not worry about those things.

This morning S10 had a doctor's appointment about some hand pains he's been having. STBXW and I both went. We actually had to sit next to each other in the little examination room. AWKWARD.

Afterwards we had some confusion about what he was doing the rest of the day. There were some miscommunications (on my part) and assumptions (on hers). He unfortunately got put on the spot and ended up having to decide whose office he had to spend the rest of the day at. Neither STBXW or I were happy about this.

After I left with S10, we had this text conversation:

STBXW: Please discuss change of plans prior to discussing with S10 so he doesn't have to choose between us.

Me: I agree

STBXW: Then why, this is the second time it's happened.

(I'm not sure when the first time was.)

STBXW: I'm sorry but eventually you need to discuss co-parenting with me, regardless how much you hate me.

Me: That last statement is exactly why these discussions are so difficult.

STBXW: I'm being honest. I know you hate me, I see it in your eyes and in your actions. I have heard. I know more than you think I know.

(The last statement caught me off guard. It could be a bluff, but there's one person I was talking to who may have been feeding her info. I never gave him sensitive info and was aware it could've gotten back to her. She could also be bugging me or maybe even found this forum. I never responded to this.)

STBXW: We need to find common ground b/c he was already crying this morning about the D.

Me: Our common ground is that we'll continue to be parents to our kids.

STBXW: Yes, I know, so please don't make S10 a pawn in this.

Me: I have never used the kids as pawns and I never will.

STBXW: This morning should not have happened.

STBXW: I'm tired of the head games. Can we just communicate, or will we always be at each other's throats?

Me: You are free to contact me with any questions you have about the kids, and I'll respond to them. I always do.

STBXW: No you do not.

Me: I will not engage in arguments with you.

STBXW: Can we just get the mediation dates set so we can finish this? I'm not engaging in an argument, unless you think when I disagree it's an argument, which is ridiculous. And another reason for the failure in our marriage.

Me: I wish we could discuss things without you making accusations and blaming me.

STBXW: Look in the mirror, because you have made a false accusation against me and blame me

(I think this is referring to OM)

STBXW: And I'm just tired. We are both at fault equally.

(end of text exchange)

That felt relevant for some reason, not sure why though. There were probably some opportunities to validate in there. As always, feedback welcome.

I see you just responded Sandi. I'll respond to that next.

[LH19]

These statements concern me, Holding. Your self esteem must be running next to zero for a long time. Why are you choosing to live in these conditions? Do you believe you can't do better?

This is the $hit I am challenging you on. I keep asking myself this when I read your posts. I think you deserve so much better! Your kids are learning life lessons from you. How do you want them to grow up? Strong and confident or weak and unworthy? What kind of role model do you want to be for them?

[Holding]

She treated me like cr@p, but I still miss those times

This statement just jumped out at me. How can you miss those times when your W treated you like cr@p?

Like I said earlier to LH, I don't miss being treated like cr@p, but there were some ok times and even good times in there. It's the family dynamic I mostly miss, not the treatment from STBXW.

It reminds me of when my sister was M to a man who treated her like cr@p. She wanted so badly to have a loving MR, and she would lie to family members and make him sound like Mr. Wonderful. Truth was, he abused her.

I never really lied to family members or tried to cover for STBXW. Her behavior was usually on display for everyone. Shame on me for not standing up for myself more.

Unfortunately, your D is learning how to treat her future H by watching her mom. And, your S is watching you to learn how he is suppose to respond to a bullying W.

I have two sons, S14 and S10, there's no daughter. I'm sure both sons have picked up on the dynamic between me and STBXW, and I'm honestly worried that too much damage has already been done to their view of MR's.

That got me thinking again, what if there is no OM? What if having no one is preferable to having me? That thought hurt. Being dumped because someone better (in her eyes) came along is one thing. But being dumped because she just can't stand me any more and would prefer solitude, that hurts.

I wonder if I've tried to convince myself there's an OM to lessen the pain. I wonder if she's trying to get me to think there's no OM, and I'm falling into her trap.

These statements concern me, Holding. Your self esteem must be running next to zero for a long time. Why are you choosing to live in these conditions? Do you believe you can't do better?

This D is crushing my self esteem. I've done everything I can to stay where I'm at right now. My self esteem is generally pretty low, guilty as charged. That goes back to my childhood.

I believe I can do better. But I do have my faults. I'm not a saint.

This whole way of thinking "what's best for me" is really new to me. My whole life I've always been focused on what I was supposed to do and what's expected of me. This D process is challenging me to take the lead in my life. It's not an easy transition for me, but I realize it's what I have to do.

If you think that she'll get better if you just give it enough time, you need to drop those thoughts immediately. As long as she has mistreated you and not had any consequences for her actions........it's only going to get worse. I don't know that anything could turn her around, but I know a WW won't change as long as she can walk all over you.

My advice is to physically S, ASAP.

I realize she won't "get better" in this given sitch. That's part of the reason I've decided to stop trying to save the M. If she ever did turn around, it might be in several years, but it's such a part of who she is that it probably won't ever happen.

My L has advised me to stay in the home. I wish I could get out. Mediation should be soon. After D, she'll probably be out in less than a day.

[dusty70]

These statements concern me, Holding. Your self esteem must be running next to zero for a long time. Why are you choosing to live in these conditions? Do you believe you can't do better?

This is the $hit I am challenging you on. I keep asking myself this when I read your posts. I think you deserve so much better! Your kids are learning life lessons from you. How do you want them to grow up? Strong and confident or weak and unworthy? What kind of role model do you want to be for them?

Holding, I think one of the first things that was ever relayed to us on this site was "the gift of time", I took that gift of time to correct all my wrongs(at least some of them) and secure the relationships with my children. I read the "lighthouse" poem or whatever it is weekly and especially when i'm feeling down about what my W and I are doing to our kids. I now have my two boys wanting to stay with me all the time because of my W's actions and that is without knowing of her cheating ways. My d11 and I are like two peas in a pod, I am closer to her than I have ever been.

I'm not trying to toot my horn here, I'm just saying use your time wisely and make sure your relationship with your boys is solid, your s14 is at a crucial age, my s13 is hurting more than he is showing, he's struggling in school, seems depressed all the time and stays away from his mom when she's in the house. Talk to your s14 even if he doesn't want to, he needs to know he is safe with you with what he wants to say, be there for him!

[Holding]

These statements concern me, Holding. Your self esteem must be running next to zero for a long time. Why are you choosing to live in these conditions? Do you believe you can't do better?

This is the $hit I am challenging you on. I keep asking myself this when I read your posts. I think you deserve so much better!
Your kids are learning life lessons from you. How do you want them to grow up? Strong and confident or weak and unworthy? What kind of role model do you want to be for them?

Thanks, LH. I realize I can do better and deserve better. There's this stupid part of me (Catholic guilt?) that's been telling me I need to eat this sh1t sandwich for the sake of my family (i.e., the kids). I realize that's not healthy.

Like I told Sandi, I worry it's too late for my kids, that I've modeled poor behavior in front of them for too long. I'm not saying this to justify giving up though. It's just where I'm at mentally. I'm going to try to show them to be confident. Finding my own strength has been hard - I have a series of affirmations, and one of them is "I am strong."

I read the "lighthouse" poem or whatever it is weekly and especially when i'm feeling down about what my W and I are doing to our kids. I now have my two boys wanting to stay with me all the time because of my W's actions and that is without knowing of her cheating ways. My d11 and I are like two peas in a pod, I am closer to her than I have ever been.

Thanks for sharing, Dusty. I used to read the lighthouse story, but I honestly never thought of it in terms of my kids. But now that you mention it, it is a good inspiration for being their stability as well. Thanks!

I'm not trying to toot my horn here, I'm just saying use your time wisely and make sure your relationship with your boys is solid, your s14 is at a crucial age, my s13 is hurting more than he is showing, he's struggling in school, seems depressed all the time and stays away from his mom when she's in the house. Talk to your s14 even if he doesn't want to, he needs to know he is safe with you with what he wants to say, be there for him!

Tooting your own horn is permitted S14 is at a rough spot indeed. Struggling in school (failing a class), having a hard time getting to school on time, totally engrossed in games or his phone. Last night, after we had a discussion that resulted in some consequences for him, I told him, "I know you probably think I'm a jerk right now, but I love you." His reply was a very sarcastic "Hmmm. Uh huh." I'll try to keep reaching out to him.

[TBSakaJ9]

H...it is never too late to change your behavior with your kids. I read over your text exchange with your W. It didn't seem to be very productive and there also seems to be a lot of hurt, anger and resentment between you both. Your MR may not be able to be saved but how could you move past your own issues and maybe be the voice of reason moving forward with your W?

Could you do this for the sake of your children? I just get the sense that someone has to step up.

[Accuray]

Holding I think you're intellectually done but not emotionally done if that makes sense.

You *want* to be done, but your feelings haven't caught up. Rationally you know you're better off without her.

Getting into a separate living situation is going to help you a lot, it's going to be good for your self esteem. The sooner that can happen the better.

She still gets under your skin and you still react to her. When you're done and detached you won't give a cr@p what she says or doesn't say. It just won't impact you. My exW could scream and shout at me, make out with an OM in front of me to try to get a reaction and I would just feel pity for her but nothing else. When W does or says something and you feel nothing in response is when you're done, and that takes a lot of time.

Regarding her retirement account balance, the best advice I can give you is to regard your divorce from the perspective of being fair, but not vindictive or punishing. If you can leave something on the table that you *could* have gotten if you'd really fought for it, it will buy you a ton of goodwill in your ongoing co-parenting arrangement. Divorce will ideally be a settlement of things between you, not a forum for punishment, you'll only hurt yourselves with the arguing and make the lawyers rich.

Stay strong my friend!

Acc