Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[TBSakaJ9]

H....she hurt your ego I get it. Your angry and pissed. I would only suggest that displaying this towards your W is not going to help you reconcile. IMO it will only push her farther away. I deal with my anger by lifting a ton of weights. What do you do to help address yours? Everyone is different but everyone also needs an outlet or multiple!

I know its tough but try to stay focused on your goal and if what you are doing will help you achieve them. My W has probably cheated on me, she has rejected me, said she doesn't love me, isn't attracted to me, has been cold, distant, short, angry, pissed, selfish, hurt my D's/broke up our family, has probably lied, gone over budget, racked up CC debt and has shown no remorse for anything. I can still sit next to her and smile, laugh, not get angry, etc. Why? I have no idea. If I had to guess it is because I am secure with myself as a man and I know that she is a fool. Unfortunately or fortunately I do still love her and I know if I asked my kids they would want daddy to fight. So I continue on...........

You have done a great job identifying why you feel the way you do. Now start working on a strategy to overcome so you can start healing yourself and potentially your R. You may never get any real remorse from her or acknowledgement of the pain she has caused. You may need to find a way to heal yourself without relying on her to do it for you.

That healing could start with you being confident and secure with yourself and the steps you need to take to get there.

We are here for you H!

[Holding]

JoeJoe, thanks for the support. You've been a great help through this process, especially with being able to reach out to you IRL.

J9, I do need to find a good outlet for my anger. My working out routine has suffered lately, that's been my only outlet. I just have a real hard time keeping my anger to myself. It seems to take a lot out of me to put on a fake front and be pleasant. And when I do try to be pleasant, she takes advantage of my kindness. Lots more work to do with IC.

[TBSakaJ9]

You got this H....stay focused. You can do this, continue to put in the work!

[LH19]

And when I do try to be pleasant, she takes advantage of my kindness. Lots more work to do with IC.

Instead of being pleasant how about trying indifference?

[dusty70]

I do need to find a good outlet for my anger. My working out routine has suffered lately, that's been my only outlet. I just have a real hard time keeping my anger to myself. It seems to take a lot out of me to put on a fake front and be pleasant. And when I do try to be pleasant, she takes advantage of my kindness. Lots more work to do with IC.

H
What's going on with your workouts?? Are you still angry at this point, I get it but if you have accepted that your M is not salvagable the prospect of what you new life looks like should drive away the anger. Since I am keeping my house I have started doing some DIY stuff to keep busy, I've learned that it doesn't need to be a physical act to curb my anger, a nice walk like i've said before does the trick. Keep it up, you're doing great!

[Holding]

Thanks LH and Dusty!

Instead of being pleasant how about trying indifference?

I try to pull off indifference, and I think I come off more like Spock than the Fonz. She reads Spock as hatred.

What's going on with your workouts??

I just haven't been able to go as much lately. I should probably take up walking in the evenings again. I do manage to get in my pushups at home though.

Are you still angry at this point, I get it but if you have accepted that your M is not salvagable the prospect of what you new life looks like should drive away the anger.

Yep, I know on a rational level that what you're saying is true. But I'm still in the thick of this battle. STBXW is harassing me about why mediation is taking so long, and blaming me and my L for excessive delays. These things do push my buttons, as they affect my ability to see into the future.

[dusty70]

Yep, I know on a rational level that what you're saying is true. But I'm still in the thick of this battle. STBXW is harassing me about why mediation is taking so long, and blaming me and my L for excessive delays. These things do push my buttons, as they affect my ability to see into the future.

I know everyone's sitch is different here but my W isn't a mean nasty person, just doing things to turn my screws. Her lack of care for anything regarding the family has done this to me lately. When she does these things I just grin and bare it, "fake it to make it" right?? My W will be out in a couple weeks, counting down the days! Just keep it up, it is tough, remember your boys and how you want them to view you! Whenever things get tough I think of them, usually helps me through the funk.

[Holding]

Journaling:

Thanksgiving week was pretty good, considering my sitch. I returned to our hometown, where STBXW had already brought our sons a few days before. I arranged to get them from her Monday and drop off Thursday morning. So this was our first real "drop off".

When I picked them up, we met in a parking lot at a mall. She didn't say a word or look at me when I looked at her. She seemed annoyed. I didn't say anything. She silently took their bags out the car and placed them on the ground. She told the boys bye, I grabbed the bags, and then we got in our cars and drove off.

I had a good time with the boys, and my parents and I found plenty of things for us to do. On Wednesday, S14 stayed at my parents' house while S10 and I went bowling. He and I both svck at bowling, but we had fun anyway. There were times when I was watching him bowl, that I could feel this sadness trying to pull at me. Like my brain was trying to remind me about the D. I acknowledged it for a second, but ignored it.

For the drop off Thursday morning, I texted her before to let her know I was on my way, the boys were dressed for Thanksgiving dinner with her family, and to remind her about the check she had promised me (part of our financial arrangement). No response.

When I got to her parents' house, I brought the boys up to the porch. FIL answered the door, smiled at the boys, then looked at me and said hey. I smiled at him and said hey back. We told each other Happy Thanksgiving, and I think we may have shook hands. Then STBXW appeared, gave me the check, told the boys hi, and walked back into the house with them. And that was that.

About an hour later I texted her to thank her for agreeing to let me spend a few days with the boys, and I told her Happy Thanksgiving. No response.

Anyway, the next few days were really good. Spent Thanksgiving day with my parents. Then got together with my sister and several old friends over the next two days. We talked about the D, but it was a good time. I really miss my hometown, and if I didn't have my kids keeping me in our new city, I'd move back in a heartbeat. Moving away from my hometown is another thing I'm angry with STBXW about, since she pushed so hard for it.

When I was driving back home on Sunday, I realized I'd been in a good mood being away from her and certainly didn't miss her. I expected she'd pull something or harass me in some way when I got back. Turns out, she couldn't even wait until I got back. While I was driving, she sent me this huge text where she asked if we could schedule mediation soon, and she mentioned that after some "insinuations" I made during our last big convo (the one where she gave me a hug), she realized she cannot live in the same house with me. She also blamed me and my L for delaying the legal process and saying this caused her to lose hope that we can settle this amicably. The whole text struck me as legal posturing, and I really resented that she tried to claim I made some insinuation that made her feel like she was no longer safe in the house. So yeah, the text got to me. I know it shouldn't have, and I'm angry with myself for letting it ruin my good mood from the week. I replied that I would definitely be contacting my L, and I said I wouldn't dignify the rest of her comments with a response. I also told her to send me all future comments about the D via email, not text.

When I got home, we didn't talk or interact with each other. I'm at least Thankful for that. But I went to bed in a bad mood. I let the legal maneuvering get to me too much. I'm starting to feel like every fact-to-face convo we have is a trap.

...

The next morning in the kitchen, while S10 was eating his breakfast, he asked me if I'd be sad if mommy died. I was upset by his question, and slowly nodded my head yes. At that point, STBXW walked in. She'd heard S10's question, but I don't think she saw that I had nodded my head. She told him not to ask questions like that.

Then she asked if I'd be going out that night (my usual Divorce Care night, but I'm done with the program). I asked her what difference it made (yes, I was very suspicious of talking to her). She got exasperated, said she was going to be making dinner later, and wanted to know if she should make me some. I said, ok, I'd like some. After she left the room, S10 asked me why I acted like that. That made me feel really bad, and I told him I was sorry he saw that, and D is hard.

So yesterday I was thinking I have to find a way to insulate my kids from all this negativity. I tried to talk myself into being less antagonistic, if for no other reason than the kids. I was home before STBXW, and I texted her to ask if I could get dinner started. She never responded. When she got home, I told her she didn't have to make me any since she was pressed for time. No response. While she was cooking, she made a loud, exasperated sigh a few times. When she put my food on the table, I said Thank You. No response.

All four of us ate dinner together, which rarely happens any more. STBXW and I sit right across from each other, but she never looked at me or said anything to me. We talk to the boys, but not each other. It's actually pretty awkward. After dinner she took the boys to their boy scout meeting.

When I was home alone, I had the strange urge to look at old family pictures of happier times. I didn't though.

So I feel like I'm all over the place. There's so much mental maneuvering with STBXW, it literally drains me.

(Whew, for a while there I was afraid of losing my "longest post" status.)

[Accuray]

Holding,

I'm sorry about how stressful this is! I agree that for the boys' sake, if she asks you if you're going out a simple "yes" or "no" would be better than asking her why she cares or something similar. Try to keep things business like and to the point versus taking the conversation in a new direction.

Regarding "legal posturing" I'm telling you there will be no "he said / she said" even if this goes to trial. The judge doesn't care who was right and who was wrong, or who is the better parent or anything else about your personal lives. His or her priorities are (1) protect the kids, (2) uphold the law, (3) make sure that no one is being steamrolled or taken advantage of via making sure that your asset division and support agreements are as fair as possible and inline with state formulas.

She could have had 10 affair partners, called you horrible names, pushed your food on the floor every time you tried to eat and it just wouldn't matter. If you can take those worries off the table it will make dealing with her much easier for you.

Acc

[joejoe1]

H,

I really think you aren't detached. You are still holding out some hope. If you were detached, you wouldnt make those snippy remarks. If you were detached you could handle those interactions a whole lot better.

You really think you wouldn't be sad if your wife died. You know you would, so why is that a hard question to answer. No matter what you are going through, I know you dont want your boys to lose their mother, and if they and didnt show any emotion, you would leave a scar the size of the grand canyon in your boys.

Lets think about this. How did you make your son feel with that answer you gave to him. How does he perceive his dad now? You want your sons to know that their father love their mom. You dont have to be in love with her, to love her and want the best for her. And your boys needs to feel and believe that from their father.

You are leaving a huge scar on your boys in the way you are interacting with their mother. Your W is still their mother and she will always be, if your hurt her you hurt them. No matter what she has done to you, you have to find a way to make the interactions between you and her especially in front your boys betters. They deserve it!

She hurt you, but now you are hurting yourself with all this resentment you are holding on too. HOLDING is a fitting name at the moment, because you are not letting go of all the pain she has caused you. Its time to let go, of this resentment, this hatred, your wife and this old M. You are not saving your self at the moment. You are not becoming healthy. Let it all go! Please, if not for yourself for your boys.

I'm hear when you need me. Me and TXS77 are talking about meeting up. We can try and make it for all of us.