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#2768008 - 11/13/17 08:31 AM Re: Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6 [Re: Holding]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 16254
Here is another success story to read, for anyone interested. The poster's name is Squiggy. He had a WW in an A, and they had a physical separation. Last I heard, they had reconciled and doing good. Should be encouraging to read.

Here's the link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...632#Post2526632
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2768130 - 11/14/17 05:51 AM Re: Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6 [Re: sandi2]
Holding Offline
Member

Registered: 06/09/17
Posts: 525
Thanks for the link, Sandi. I'll have to check that out.

So I had a good GAL weekend - took S14 on a youth hunt Friday through Sunday. We had a really good time and he got a buck! This was my first time hunting (my dad was not an outdoorsman). It was a great experience, and I tried to spend the time just talking with S14 about his interests. We didn't talk about the D at all. There was no cell service out where we were, so I had a few days free from STBXW's influence. It was nice.

Laying in my sleeping bag Friday night before the hunt, I did have a few rough moments remembering all the past times I've camped with STBXW and the boys. She treated me like cr@p, but I still miss those times.

Anyway, yesterday she was on the phone in the living room and I heard her mention that she's planning to get plastic surgery next August. I've known this was something she wanted after she lost her weight, so it wasn't a real surprise. She asked the person on the phone (one of her girlfriends I believe) if they would take care of her after the surgery. Then she said something like, "Yeah, I'm not doing this for anyone else. I'm doing this for me."

That got me thinking again, what if there is no OM? What if having no one is preferable to having me? That thought hurt. Being dumped because someone better (in her eyes) came along is one thing. But being dumped because she just can't stand me any more and would prefer solitude, that hurts.

I wonder if I've tried to convince myself there's an OM to lessen the pain. I wonder if she's trying to get me to think there's no OM, and I'm falling into her trap.

Regardless, she's a selfish and shallow person. Every exchange I have with her (which are almost all text and email now) is filled with her bitterness, snark, and anger.

Living in this in-house separation makes it so hard to get away from her mental cloud. No matter what GAL and work I do for myself, I still have to come back home and see her in the house.

Advice is welcome.
_________________________
Me-44 W-40
S10, S14
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W wants D: 7-13-17
My ring off: 7-13-17
W files: 7-17-17

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#2768139 - 11/14/17 06:35 AM Re: Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6 [Re: Holding]
doodler Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/16
Posts: 2542
Originally Posted By: Holding
That got me thinking again, what if there is no OM? What if having no one is preferable to having me? That thought hurt. Being dumped because someone better (in her eyes) came along is one thing. But being dumped because she just can't stand me any more and would prefer solitude, that hurts.


Holding,

There may be another possibility.

My XW can be a very harsh and difficult woman, but I know she's not completely heartless. Over the years she often expressed that she was happy and amazed that I'd put up with her. I actually didn't mind because I knew what she'd been through as a child and young adult. However, I've often wondered if she felt like she was too much of a burden for me and decided to take the opportunity to make an exit. I don't know and I will likely never know if there's any truth to that.

Anyway, I think it may be in the realm of possibility that your wife has some guilt over the way she treats you and the children. My XW very well knew that she often wasn't pleasant, but she didn't seem to have the ability to control her emotions. Part of your wife's issue may be that she doesn't want you to continue to be shackled by her behavior.

I know that's a shot in the dark, but the main point I'd like to make is that your wife's motives may not be entirely what you think they are. She may not even know exactly what's driving her.

There's a quote I heard recently, about someone who'd had an "awakening" (whatever that may be), "After my awakening, I found myself in the same prison cell (metaphorically speaking), but I realized that the lock was on the inside." Your wife may be trying to escape an imaginary prison cell, and it may not have much to do with you, but all she can think about right now is escaping.

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#2768143 - 11/14/17 06:49 AM Re: Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6 [Re: doodler]
Jim1234 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/17
Posts: 194
Originally Posted By: doodler
Your wife may be trying to escape an imaginary prison cell, and it may not have much to do with you, but all she can think about right now is escaping.



My WAW was very unhappy, and, of course, I was the cause of all her unhappiness. So she moved out and filed for divorce.

Amazingly enough, here we are 8 months after she moved out, and she told me a few days ago that she had to see a doctor because she need anti-depressants and was having trouble "coping". Why would she need anti-depressants? I was the cause of all her unhappiness, and she got rid of me. It should all be rainbows and unicorns from here on out for her.

Maybe it didn't have anything to do with me, but maybe she just thought it did......
_________________________
M:23 T:26
Me:51, Wife: 58
S:17
D:15
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17

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#2768150 - 11/14/17 07:09 AM Re: Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6 [Re: doodler]
Holding Offline
Member

Registered: 06/09/17
Posts: 525
Originally Posted By: doodler
Over the years she often expressed that she was happy and amazed that I'd put up with her.


That's a bingo! A few months ago I came across a note she wrote me on our last anniversary. It said something like "Thank you for putting up with me for so many years".

Originally Posted By: doodler
Anyway, I think it may be in the realm of possibility that your wife has some guilt over the way she treats you and the children. My XW very well knew that she often wasn't pleasant, but she didn't seem to have the ability to control her emotions. Part of your wife's issue may be that she doesn't want you to continue to be shackled by her behavior.


A very interesting thought. And it could be what's driving this, at least in part. But why would she harbor such nastiness toward me if that's the case? Is she trying to drive me away to save me? It just doesn't make sense.

Ah, mind reading. My favorite pastime.
_________________________
Me-44 W-40
S10, S14
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W wants D: 7-13-17
My ring off: 7-13-17
W files: 7-17-17

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#2768153 - 11/14/17 07:24 AM Re: Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6 [Re: Holding]
doodler Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/16
Posts: 2542
Originally Posted By: Holding
A very interesting thought. And it could be what's driving this, at least in part. But why would she harbor such nastiness toward me if that's the case? Is she trying to drive me away to save me? It just doesn't make sense.

Ah, mind reading. My favorite pastime.


Agreed, regarding the mind reading thing. But, I can attest to my own mental state throughout the separation and divorce. I was angry at the OM and my wife. Anger is generally considered to be a less than desirable emotion, but I also believe my anger helped get me through the most difficult thing I'd ever experienced in my life.

The downside of anger is that it can occasionally override self control and rational thought. In my case, much of my anger was directed toward the OM; that made it easier for me to handle all of the hurt. (Just to prove that point, I have a court date on January 16th because of a motion for contempt. I didn't cut that useless f*cker any slack.)

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#2768179 - 11/14/17 10:29 AM Re: Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6 [Re: Holding]
LH19 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/17
Posts: 521
Originally Posted By: Holding
She treated me like cr@p, but I still miss those times.

I think you really need to examine the statement above.
_________________________
M:49 W:44
T:22 M:16
S:12 D:9

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith

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#2768181 - 11/14/17 10:50 AM Re: Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6 [Re: LH19]
Holding Offline
Member

Registered: 06/09/17
Posts: 525
LH, fair enough.

I don't miss being treated like cr@p. In spite of the cr@ppy moments sprinkled in from her, I miss being a family and doing family events. I miss all of us together going on an adventure. That won't happen any more. I guess I'm grieving.

In other words, there was plenty of negativity from her, but I felt like it was still a life worth having.
_________________________
Me-44 W-40
S10, S14
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W wants D: 7-13-17
My ring off: 7-13-17
W files: 7-17-17

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#2768184 - 11/14/17 11:05 AM Re: Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6 [Re: Holding]
Holding Offline
Member

Registered: 06/09/17
Posts: 525
And now for something completely different:

This morning leaving for work, I walked up to my car and was greeted with a nice flat tire (I've had issues with this particular tire for a while). I was due for new tires anyway, so I headed to the tire store and bought 4 new tires.

It was a major, unexpected purchase. But since I'm managing my own finances now, I didn't have to consult a single soul to make the decision. I just haggled with the guy for a bit, talked him down a little, and bought them. In the old days, I would've been on the phone consulting with W, seeing if we could afford it.

Freedom has its perks.
_________________________
Me-44 W-40
S10, S14
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W wants D: 7-13-17
My ring off: 7-13-17
W files: 7-17-17

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#2768225 - 11/15/17 01:22 AM Re: Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6 [Re: Holding]
doodler Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/16
Posts: 2542
Originally Posted By: Holding
Freedom has its perks.


Holding,

I wish my family was intact, but you're right about the freedom. And, you're not even separated yet. Just wait, when you get a good taste of true freedom, you'll realize how much of your life was subjugated. It happened little by little over the years; exchanging your preferences and desires in an effort to keep the peace. Once you get to the place where you can look in the rear view mirror, you'll be able to see the past behaviors, yours and hers, with a lot more clarity.

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