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A Message from Michele
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#2767961 - 11/13/17 02:20 AM Not sure how much is MLC
MStarr Offline
New Member

Registered: 11/12/17
Posts: 24
Loc: NYS
Hi all, I am new here, so I hope I am doing this correctly.

My husband and I have been married 19 years. We have two teenage boys. Our marriage has always had it's troubles and it's been somewhat volatile. My husband and I are both very sensitive people and reactive. He announced he wanted a divorce on August 6th. Even though I had every reason to see it coming, I was stunned. I'm still feeling traumatized and feel like I have PTSD.

I am struggling to figure out how much of this is MLC. He has a lot of the characteristics: losing several people close to him recently, failing career, blames me for everything (monster mode), depression/rage/mania, says it's time for him to "live life to it's fullest", etc. I don't know if there was a girlfriend(s) or not. Seems like maybe there was in the beginning, but now not so much. Although I think he does go away and skanks around now.

Anyway, does it matter? Do the tactics I use matter whether it's MLC or WAS? Is there more of a chance of him coming back if it's MLC? Thank you all for being here, I feel so unmoored!
_________________________
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS

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#2767967 - 11/13/17 02:55 AM Re: Not sure how much is MLC [Re: MStarr]
job Online

Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 24400
Loc: Maryland
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.

Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29

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#2767968 - 11/13/17 03:02 AM Re: Not sure how much is MLC [Re: MStarr]
job Online

Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 24400
Loc: Maryland
First, I am so sorry that you are here, but we have a lot of good people here in all stages of the journey. I would suggest that you read as much as you can and post your thoughts to others when you feel more comfortable to do so.

To answer a couple of your questions:

Do the tactics I use matter whether it's MLC or WAS? You will use the same tactics in both cases. You will need to give him as much space as he requires. Listen and observe. Protect yourself financially because they all tend to spend money at some point while on their respective journey to find themselves. Do not talk about the OW as she really is nothing more than a band aid to his internal hurt at the moment.

Is there more of a chance of him coming back if it's MLC? I will be perfectly honest w/you...it's a 50/50 chance. There's no telling what he will do, think or say. He may opt to push for a divorce or he may be one of those individuals who likes to stay comfortable w/his spouse as Plan B if things don't work out in La La Land.

You, the LBS, may decide at a much later date that you've had enough of his nonsense and move forward w/a divorce or won't fight him on his filing for one. Just keep in mind, at the end of the day, you will be the one to determine if you want to try again...but that's a long, long way down the road. Keep in mind, this is not a sprint...but a marathon and it is not for the faint of heart.

For now, protect your assets, i.e., credit cards, bills, checking/saving accounts. You may decide to seek the advice of a lawyer. If you do so, do not tell your h want you've learned. Knowledge is power and at least you will know what you can and can't do and are entitled to.

One last thing, do not tell him about this forum. Do not share what you learn here. Do not tell him he's having a MLC. They don't like us to tell them what is wrong w/them. He thinks he's fine.


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#2767983 - 11/13/17 04:09 AM Re: Not sure how much is MLC [Re: MStarr]
Gordie Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/16
Posts: 1465
Loc: USA
M: I am new here, so I hope I am doing this correctly.

G: welcome and don’t worry; there’s no correct way

M: My husband and I have been married 19 years. We have two teenage boys. Our marriage has always had it's troubles and it's been somewhat volatile. My husband and I are both very sensitive people and reactive. He announced he wanted a divorce on August 6th. Even though I had every reason to see it coming, I was stunned. I'm still feeling traumatized and feel like I have PTSD.

G: you are not alone. Many of us in long term relationships know exactly what that PTSD feels like.

M: I am struggling to figure out how much of this is MLC. He has a lot of the characteristics: losing several people close to him recently, failing career, blames me for everything (monster mode), depression/rage/mania, says it's time for him to "live life to it's fullest", etc.

G: there is a script; we’ve all heard these statements before...really hard to do, but don’t take it personally

M: I don't know if there was a girlfriend(s) or not. Seems like maybe there was in the beginning, but now not so much. Although I think he does go away and skanks around now.

G: for most of us here there is an OM or OW, but not for all.

M: Anyway, does it matter? Do the tactics I use matter whether it's MLC or WAS? Is there more of a chance of him coming back if it's MLC? Thank you all for being here, I feel so unmoored!

G: have you read the book? Hard to give a recommendation without knowing more about you. Main thing about DB tactics is trial and error. Do what works and stop doing what doesn’t. There is no one size fits all solution or in some cases no solution at all. More importantly beyond the tactics there is the focus on taking care of and healing yourself and becoming the person you want to be with or without your H. If you are unmoored which is totally understandable at this stage, it is probably not healthy or attractive. So focus on self: what did you do in the M that you would like to change for you, to become the best version of you for you?
_________________________
At BD:
Me 40s, W 40s, M20+, lots of kids
2011-2015 W's MLC begins: new look, friends, beliefs, job
2016 BD - W doesn't want to be married anymore
2017 - W files

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#2768031 - 11/13/17 11:03 AM Re: Not sure how much is MLC [Re: Gordie]
peacetoday Online
Member

Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 3114
Hi

You will learn a lot about MLC here
If its MLC it lasts a long time maybe 2-7 years
some don't recover
I think some characteristics are they do find an Affair partner sometimes younger but not always but usually the affair partner is someone with "Issues" drugs, psych .gold digger, etc
sometimes, you may see an older man dye his hair, loose weight, new clothes new friends, new car or gadgets.
Men in MLcer become irresponsible dads "Disney dads"
they spend as Job said and sometimes to point of debt
definitely protect yourself

what you can do:
Take care of yourself
get some counseling
five him space to figure it out
don't snoop but protect your assets
get name off credit cards and separate accounts
I don't think there is any strategy that really works with MLC -to bring them home
they seem to have to work thru unresolved issues from the past and childhood
so this is not your fault nor can you fix it
try to be cordial and kind to him
focus on being there for your kids to fill in the gap of their dad being gone
do not blame him or badmouth him
learn as much as you can about MLC and it helps to know what H is going thru
we are here for you to vent and you will get lots of good suggestions and help

hang in


Edited by job (11/14/17 08:22 AM)
Edit Reason: edited a word for Peace
_________________________
married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow

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#2768052 - 11/13/17 02:49 PM Re: Not sure how much is MLC [Re: peacetoday]
OC_Hope Offline
New Member

Registered: 04/02/17
Posts: 16
Welcome, MStarr –

So sorry you're going through this, but you've come to the right place. My W walked away 18 months ago after nearly 18 years of marriage.

She's had numerous boyfriends, lots of partying, and a couple car wrecks, the most recent totaled her car and left her with a DWI hit and run charge. Now she wants to come home, but can't seem to get away from her poorly selected friends or controlling, PTSD boyfriend.

This was a woman who could do no wrong, a perfect wife and mother. MLC just changes people for the worst. It's going to take a long time to figure out what just happened. You'll never figure out why, so just decide now that you're going to stop asking the question.

As for the rest, do what everyone is saying. Take care of you and the kids. See a therapist. Get regular massages, go to the gym or start an enjoyable hobby. Surround yourself with good, wholesome friends, watch funny movies and distance yourself from the debris field of a tornado you used to call your husband.

It's the best you can do – it's also the only thing you can control.

{{big hugs}}
_________________________
Me: 46
WW: 41 OM: 51 met 12/16 to present
M: 18 T: 20
D17 S15 S5
BD 05/22/16
W asked for D 6/20/16
D final 1/9/17

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#2768078 - 11/14/17 01:53 AM Re: Not sure how much is MLC [Re: OC_Hope]
MStarr Offline
New Member

Registered: 11/12/17
Posts: 24
Loc: NYS
Originally Posted By: OC_Hope

She's had numerous boyfriends, lots of partying, and a couple car wrecks, the most recent totaled her car and left her with a DWI hit and run charge.

{{big hugs}}


Thank you OC! I quoted you above because besides MLC I believe I am also dealing with addiction issues. H has always drank too much and has lived most of his adult life high on pot. I'm thinking that this abuse has made the MLC much worse than it would have been.

I am taking care of myself best I can. Thankfully I have a ton of great friends and a great therapist. I also go to Al-Anon which is tremendously helpful.

The rejection is so tough. And it's really hard to discern how much I want my marriage back and how much I want my ego restored. He has been so incredibly cruel these past few months. Everything is all of the sudden so topsy turvey including how I view myself.

We haven't started the legal process yet, but that is coming soon.

Another really tough thing is that his mother, who I have been fairly close with for the past 22 years has also utterly rejected me. That really hurts. I don't expect her to take my side or anything, but she refuses to acknowledge my existence. I can't for the life of me understand since I wasn't the one that cheated or left him or anything. I had my bad part in the marriage for sure, but she knows how hard marriage can be. I can only imagine that he's telling her lies, but I can't really picture him doing that. He was never a liar. How has it been for everyone else with in-laws? Thanks!
_________________________
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS

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#2768124 - 11/14/17 05:17 AM Re: Not sure how much is MLC [Re: MStarr]
MStarr Offline
New Member

Registered: 11/12/17
Posts: 24
Loc: NYS
Small vent: I'm kind of angry that I'm also terrified of getting older. My skin is getting wrinkly and I'm freaking out too! Does that mean I abandon my family?! Jeez that's the last thing I would want to do. Now I'm a single mom at age 54? Gee thanks. Talk about selfish!

Alright that's all for now..
_________________________
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS

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#2768163 - 11/14/17 08:29 AM Re: Not sure how much is MLC [Re: MStarr]
job Online

Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 24400
Loc: Maryland
MStarr,

I am glad to read that you are trying to take care of yourself and have a fairly good support team that you can rely on as well as a great therapist.

About the mother in-law. Blood is thicker than water and you don't have a clue what he has told her. Right now, she's probably stepping back to see how all of this is going to play out and doesn't want to be put in the middle. Some parents do eventually open their eyes and come to realize that they adult/child has a problem and the parents will then begin to reach out to the spouse.

My in-laws distanced themselves from my situation and still do not contact me. I made a point of contacting my mother in-law, in the nursing home, after I heard she had fallen. I told her that I forgave her for her behavior towards me during the MLC nightmare...not long after that she passed away.

I would keep my expectations very low when it comes to dealing w/his family right now and the same would apply to the friends (his especially). They need to see and hear for themselves what is actually going on. I know it hurts to be tossed aside, but this happens quite a lot until the rose colored glasses come off and they see that something isn't right w/their children.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. The truth will be revealed to them when the time is right.

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#2768167 - 11/14/17 08:45 AM Re: Not sure how much is MLC [Re: job]
devvo Offline
New Member

Registered: 08/03/17
Posts: 16
Loc: Australia
MStarr, I know exactly how you feel. My XMIL and I shared what I we both knew was an unusually loving and friendly relationship. When XH dropped the bomb she was as shattered as I, telling me stories of her own D from XH's father that nobody had ever heard before.

We remained close for about 12 months after BD, but over time she pulled away. She too had to mourn, and neither of us could really express to the other our deepest, truest feelings.

I'm pretty hopeful she doesn't judge me too harshly for what her son did, but as others say, who knows what the MLCr's family is told, and what they do to justify the actions of somebody they cannot help but love.
_________________________
Me:53 H:53
S:21 S:18
M:24 T:26
BD:Aug 15
D:Sep 17

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