IMHO, she removed herself from your responsibility for her safety when she made the decision to leave the M. Yes, she played you again. Btw, it doesn't have to include a R talk. That wasn't her goal. Her goal was to use whatever it took to make you respond to her. Okay, that was yesterday. Lesson learned. Now, instead of punching yourself, practice how to handle it when it happens again, b/c it will happen. Yes, look in the mirror and practice different scenarios and how you stand up for yourself. But mostly, just don't respond to her texting. The more you don 't respond, the more she'll up the game. In other words, she'll try to find something to pressure you into responding. When you reach the point where you can see what she's doing, it will either amuse or annoy you.
Recognizing the nice-guy traits in how you interact with people is step one. Now, learn how to respond (or not respond) in another way. Maybe you need to accept and believe you are not responsible to take care of your WW and you are not obligated to return text messages or anything else. You have to retrain your way of thinking, especially about her. She has lied about OM, and she clearly wants to keep you dangeling for her own ammuzement. The only way she will really be attracted and respect you as a man is to believe you are done with her. If she believes you are not interested in having a cheater and a liar for a W, then it may give her the incenitive to straighten up. But as long as you keep this NGS, you will continue to be abused by women just like her.
You have been trained to behave nicely in whatever situation comes. Therefore, it may actually cause you some discomfort to do anything differently. I married a man who is the epitome of NGS. And......I can testify to the fact you are able to change!
You may have some difficulty knowing the difference from standing firmly/strongly and showing male confidence from being just plain rude. IDK, I'm just guessing on that one. I encourage you to read the books on the subject and set goals for you to work on in this precise area. Frankly, I feel that's more important than anything else, at the moment, b/c it affects your entire life.
Associate with other men who are the "take charge", confident, leader type of male (but not an a$$) and who know how to command respect from others. Just spending more time around your buddies will help to some level. In many stories we read on the board, the H stops GAL with his buddies and spends any free time with his family. While that may sound like a great family man, it often produces a guy who fears standing up for himself and/or upsetting his W. He spends his life trying to appease her, and the results are not good. He becomes co-dependent on their MR b/c he no longer sees himself with an identity without it.
So, read the books and spend lots of time with strong, respected men who are not pushed around and manipulated by their W.
You can get there! You are getting stronger.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have read some of your posts and your story is very similar to mine although we are a little older and have been together longer. My W is doing the same thing behavior wise with some days reaching out to me and others pulling away and being cold. It has been very hard for me to detach from her but the more I do the better and more in control I feel. I also see her reaching out more now that I have pulled away. I am still in a very difficult situation as the OM is still involved but the longer I go on with the 180/LRT the better I feel about myself. It's nice to know there are other men who understand what you are going through.
Austin Powers HA! I will add Phil Dumphy (Modern Family)...
So my WW is in Mexico right now for her friends wedding that we were both looking so forward to going to. Now her friend and her finance are pretty close to me as well. We are good friends to say the least.
WW just texted me saying: "Please make sure you text Mr and Mrs sometime this weekend if you care about them. I know from my conversations it would be really hurtful if you didnt".
Now I know I was going to text them anyways; but know, if I do, I feel like it will allow my WW to think she still has control over me. However, as I think about it; the mr and mrs have not once reached out to me during my and my WW problems the past year basically....
So I am thinking, why would I reach out, if they never did. How would this look in the future though?
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
By deciding to not text them, you're still letting your WW have power over you. Forget that she asked you to text them. Instead ask if you care enough about them to wish them well. In the end, it's just a text and won't cost you anything.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Just had my first session with my new IC. We went through the whole family tree stuff, etc, etc. and then I told her the main reason I came was bc of the M. I explained what I thought is the big picture of our M and how we got here....my NGS, her ER/PA, all the stuff I have put on this board.
As we were discussing she came to the conclusion that my NGS is not in any other part of my life(work, friends, etc.) except with my W. It seems to be from the fact that I never saw my parents argue or deal with their problems, so I really had nothing to go off of in terms of conflict within a relationship. And with W being such a strong person, when I withdraw from conflict, it is just more exemplified.
I then tried to explain the theory of this board in a nut shell with a WW (more "tough love" than anything). Basically drawing a boundary of if OM is in her life I will go dark/nc/etc. And I tried to explain the times W "reached out to me" (her words; this board words would be 'temp checking').
In her opinions she seems to think the reason she has been reaching out; and some of the words she has been using those times were b/c she still cares; and even though is stuck in the mindset of with this OM, that she still wants to work us out. It was her opinion that it was the R best interest for me to reach out to explain I do still care, and we would only recon if we were to talk. To talk first, date, and work with MC to fix what was broken. Find the things which upset us and work through those things.
She seems to think my W is a strong person, and quite possibly came on way to strong within the R; causing me to withdrawal. She said, maybe not for Thanksgiving, but for her bday at the end of the month to send a card and provide to her LL (words of aff).
She also said we are both at this bridge which is broken, but neither of us want to rebuild it...or are to stubborn too.
What do you all think?
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
