{{{{Galpal}}}} and {{{{Hunny}}}}. Been there. Done that. Still do it from time to time. Still occasionally think if XH can't love me after a quarter century then who can. Still believe there will never be anybody else that I would feel comfortable enough to marry, or even live with, ever again. That still freaks me out, but the fear has lessened over time. I know you don't believe it right now (I certainly didn't), but it really does get better.
The good news is that those unhelpful thoughts are getting easier and easier to push away. I have discovered that I really am a good and strong person, and now I know that I am actually a pretty good catch. The 'Divorce Diet' is a real thing - I lost 7 kg (which is about 15 pounds) and changed my hairstyle/colour to something much nicer. I found my soul again by reconnecting with activities and people I had always loved, but had to put aside whilst living my old life. There are other good things too that have come of this for me, and I'm pretty sure you'll find some too.
Don't get me wrong - if I had a choice I'd still be with my XH, living the life we were living and doing all that I could to ensure it continued. Unfortunately, that option is not available and whilst I occasionally hope that will change (when XH comes out of the fog) I doubt it ever will. My tears and fears will likely always be there, but trust me when I say if an over-analytical DB-dunce like me can start to feel better, you most certainly will.
I am better today for sure. I am ALWAYS better when I have no contact with H. At least for now. Contact causes me to crash emotionally. Maybe that changes in time, and as I gain emotional strength but for now I am better with no contact.
Hunny - You and I are on the same timeline. From reading your thread it seems we are in a similar spot emotionally too. We started this nightmare together and hopefully we both grow and get stronger together too. We have a long way to go for sure but I love that I can 'meet and talk' to people who are living the same nightmare as me. Let's change the nightmare into something positive and joyful. I believe that will happen regardless of what our H's do.
Devvo - You are about 2 years ahead in your timeline. Your input and advice to me at my stage is invaluable! Your comments are so encouraging and gives me great hope that I will be as strong as you after 2 years. I will be following your thread as well - because you are showing us newbies the way and your encouraging words give me hope!
Anyway, life is calmer today than yesterday. I have no need to contact H and he likely has no reason to contact me either, so I will be fine going forward!
So glad to hear you are doing better. I agree, we are on the same timeline and I hope we both get much stronger.
There are differences in our situations and yet they are still so similar. My H doesn't reach out to me often like yours does and in a way I wish he would. If I didn't contact him I am not sure we would talk at all. His not contacting me makes me feel like I don't have a chance with him.
I do need to start getting involved in things like you have and am hoping to get something figured out for myself soon. Mostly I just don't want to fall off of or get run over by the roller coaster.
Ok,,, I have to declare myself as the Queen of "do as I say, and not as I do".
Why? H called me awhile ago and suggested going to a pub tomorrow night for a beer & wings, while we discuss our 2018 budget.
So much for NC and that it keeps me calm. I agreed to go and suggested we meet at a pub midpoint. He declined that saying he would pick me up because my night driving is bad and so I could have a beer without worrying about the impaired aspect. So agreed to that too.
It really isn't necessary to turn a budget discussion into a social event but there you go.
I'm going only so I can keep the door slightly ajar (for way down the road), and also to show him I'm doing fine without him (not a lie either). So I'll keep it light and no R talks or anything else heavy.
Is this decision a good one or a bad one? Input welcome along with any advice for how to handle myself!
Wow, I need help. Ever since H set up the pub night tomorrow to discuss our budget (a few hours ago), I am making myself sick with worry. Literally sick, gut ache and all the other anxiety symptoms.
The budget conversation could easily be a phone call so the fact it's a pub night makes me wonder what else H has on his mind that might best be delivered in person. Like he wants a Divorce.
We decided early on not to Divorce or change anything. H was especially insistent on that. But 6 mo. with OW in his ear and that could all go out the window to please her.
I'm taking anxiety and depression meds that seem to help but now they are not cutting it. My anxiety is off the charts, waiting for what else H wants to talk about tomorrow night.
Or maybe it's nothing at all and he just wants to keep things friendly between us atm.
{{{GalPal}}} - I know exactly how you're feeling. My XH has made every encounter we've had (all 6 of them since I arrived back in Australia) a time to blindside me with something. Having said that, his cowardice is such that he couldn't deliver the D news when we last met face-to-face - in fact, he never breathed a word.
I suspect he isn't unusual in this respect. MLCers aren't noted for their bravery or empathy - and it would actually be a pretty big call for them to deliver that sort of news in a crowded, happy (it is Christmas after all!) venue. He would look very grinch-like were he to drop a D-bomb to the accompanying strains of "Joy to the World"....
That doesn't mean your encounter isn't going to be trouble-free though. I certainly understand your anxiety - I hate every moment my XH is in the same town as me, let alone at the same table.
Oh Devvo - 6 more blindsides? That must have been hard. I think that would kill me at this stage.
I am prepared for 'something' to be said tonight that I'm not expecting. Still won't be easy but at most it would be only a half-blindside.
On a different note - I think my H was in a MLC from 2001 - 2003 except I didn't recognize it as a MLC. We weren't married yet but seriously dating. His son was killed in an accident in 2000 and this likely triggered the MLC in 2001. He ended things with me but stayed in contact. During this time (2001) he met and fell madly in love with a woman and 2 months later made plans to relocate his life to her area. Those plans fell through but I don't know why. I didn't even know she existed until much later.
Anyway, I was much younger and although I found our break-up hard, I just carried on and didn't dwell on it and soon had my own new single life.
Well,, 2 years later things reignite with us and we were married about 9 months later.
What's interesting to me is how quickly my H seemed to fall in love back then and earlier this year when his MLC started. BD this year was because H met OW and instantly was attracted and so was she and the rest is history.
I put it down to the unconscious pull toward someone who is like someone from their adolescence or earlier that they have unresolved issues with.
So my H, in 2001 had a MLC and didn't finish that one, and now his MLC is back again this year - 14 years after the first one episode. Yep, bet my next pay cheque this is his second MLC.
We all tend to have a growth periods around 12, 16, 20, 30, etc. It's how we cope with those times that also help determine whether or not a crisis will occur. If someone doesn't navigate that growth period properly, they could very well have a MLC.
Maybe you've told us this...but how old is your h? He could have experienced a quarter life's crisis and didn't completely finish it. MLCers are not good at coping.....
My H is 61. I wouldn't be surprised if he's had trouble with every growth/transition period. Lots of issues in the FOO.
He's also a chronic pot smoker since age 15. My guess is the substance abuse helps them ignore the issues. If it wasn't for that, maybe he would have figured things out by now.
Okay, so the pub night with H - no blindside conversation from him but maybe from me to him. More on that in a sec.
First though, H says it's hard for him to see me because he feels so much guilt. I say, then lets limit our contact - I don't want you to feel guilty. And why the guilt anyway? It's been 6 months already. Then he says,, that's not all that long. Also says, he wants to see me occasionally and stay in contact.
So back and forth, with me saying I don't know what the guilt feels like since I have none. Also tell him I'm doing okay and he doesn't need to worry about that at all. So stop the guilt, okay?
H teared up while we had this conversation. He seems to genuinely feel rotten about what he's done. Not the first time he's teared up when talking about what he's done. I told him his guilt is likely more from how he left our marriage (ie. OW involved), and not that he wanted out of the marriage.
Not sure this is the best way to handle these conversation either. I'm responding in a way that kind of rubs his face in what he's done and is doing. But in a nice way so he doesn't realize I'm doing it.
So, onto the budget for the next quarter. I am fair to a fault and even to my own detriment. H knows that and offered to give me more money that the budget would say he should. He feels responsible and I am glad he will even it out so I have more money to live on. He says he needs to do this and its the right thing to do. I will let him do this until we settle our finances once and for all - then we are on our own. He seemed sad at the finality of that too.
Anyway, my blindside to him was regarding the property division. I don't think he realized at all that this was not going to be an even split - in fact it is all in my favor. Our prenup gives me a LOT more (because I had more when we married), and I think he forgot that or never fully understood it in the first place. It boils down to me winding up with my own fully paid for condo, and leaves him only enough for a minimum downpayment on whatever he buys which won't be enough for a house, but maybe a condo.
Once this info sunk in, he couldn't have looked more crestfallen. I actually felt bad for him when he realized what he would get and that it wasn't anywhere near what he thought it would be.
I think what H wanted all along was to keep everything the same, marital home and all, because I believe he one day knew he would get his sanity back and want to come home.
But I am now telling him that in order for me to live a decent life without him, the house would have to be sold so I could have money to live my life - travel, golf, dining out - all that I would want to do going forward. Right now I have to watch every damn penny and it's no way to live.
He looked so damn sad I was almost heartbroken for him but then realized,... he did this without any help from me. It's just some of the karma coming his way.
Eventually he just said he didn't want to talk about it anymore right now. He looked so shell-shocked.
Overall he was the perfect gentleman, paying the bill and being good company. He looked great and I told him so. He returned the compliment and I know I looked great too.
We touched briefly on our R, basically that we were great friends and a good team, but that the wild passion he needed wasn't there. I told him that I will never be okay with how he ended the M, but that I am okay that he did. I could never satisfy his depraved sexual needs that he recently revealed to me and since his MLC began. Funny thing though,,, I wasn't even aware he had such depraved needs during our entire 20 years together. I have to wonder was it there all along and he stuffed it, or did it arise when the MLC hit?
So we spent 90 minutes at the pub and I enjoyed seeing him and according to him he enjoyed seeing me too albeit with a lot of guilt. He took me home and then came in to get something in the house. Before he left he moved in and gave me a big long hug.
I think he misses me almost as much as I miss him. Makes me sad because I really don't know if we will be able to save our M. I hope so but it's way too early to tell. I need another 5 years or so to get a feel for that.
Ok,, now I need some feedback on how I handled this night out for the first time since he moved out. Am I leading him too much away from the M reconciliation idea? I am handling his guilt comments okay? And whatever else you can advise me about for the next time, which won't be for awhile now.
