Two questions....

[job]

I can almost guarantee 100% that your h is sitting in his place staring at four walls and doing as little as possible. They do this a lot when they are alone and slipping into the deeper depression. Yes, he does have a lot on his mind. He's thinking about his life, his childhood, his parents, early adulthood, where he's been and going and yes, he is even thinking about you, your family and home.

I want to caution you about reconciliation. Some of them come home way too early and it's called a false reconciliation. The holidays tend to give them that warm and fuzzy feeling and the nostalgia tends to make them want to return home...but many of them will leave once again after the holidays. We have seen quite a few of them really reach out from October to March and then poof! Disappear again because the holidays are over and done with. I may be wrong, but I don't think your h is any where close to being ready to do the necessary, hard work on healing himself just yet. If he should suggest coming home, you may want to say something like "h, let's see how the holidays go w/the family. Maybe we should start out dating and making this a new relationship and see where it goes from there."

You will do just fine in meeting up w/him at the pub. Try to be yourself and think of him as a co-worker who is in from out of town. Think of yourself as an actress who is playing a role and you want to get that Oscar for the role. I know you can do this and don't worry so much about making mistakes. We all have done it at one time or another.

Here's a link that might help you better under the concept of his reconnection to his family:

TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection (new)

[Adios]

"I may be wrong, but I don't think your h is any where close to being ready to do the necessary, hard work on healing himself just yet".

Job, you are definitely not wrong and I know it. It's only been 5 mo. since BD and he very recently said he's not happy in his new life and that it didn't turn out as he thought it would, but wasn't happy in his old life either. I know he is figuring out 'what next'?

Your suggestions to prevent an early return are good ones and I plan to use them.

[Adios]

Ok, I'm confused now after reading Divorce Remedy - specifically the chapter on Midlife Crisis. Everything in the chapter seems spot on until she quotes from a LBS.

This LBS's husband was back to normal after 1 year?? From Valentine's Day bomb drop to back to loving husband by Valentines Day the next year?

Seriously? Why put this in the book and give us false hope? Or is it false hope? Can MLC be resolved in such a short time?

I've read the range of MLC is typically 2 - 7 years and I've questioned the 2 years myself as being too short - 7 years seems impossibly long but more likely than 2 years.

I'd like to know from those who have gone thru to the end - how long did it take? What is REALLY a realistic time frame - 2 yrs? 5 yrs? I know not to predict for my own situation but it makes me wonder.

And Divorce Remedy book - unless 1 yr is even possible then this book has serious credibility issues.

[Cadet]

Why put this in the book and give us false hope? Or is it false hope? Can MLC be resolved in such a short time?

I've read the range of MLC is typically 2 - 7 years and I've questioned the 2 years myself as being too short - 7 years seems impossibly long but more likely than 2 years.

Since I have not seen the end maybe you don't want my comment.

But in my reading experience I have seen it resolve itself in the 2-7 year time frame

OR

take longer

so the book is the truth

My suggestion is not to focus on the time period but yourself instead

[Sotto]

I would say XH has been in crisis going back to 2012 when he decided to lose a load of weight. Then he took on a ridiculous amount of work without consulting me and was away a lot in 2013. Then he checked out of the M and decided to start dating women when he was away in late 2013/14.

Then he got together with OW in early 2014 and as far as I know they are still an item today. They did split up 5 or 6 times in the early days, but always reconciled and lumbered on. So for me, we are about 5 years down the line so far - without an apology or any sign of regret other than....I know I made mistakes but I really know what I want now...

It does take a good while and I think the shorter timescale cases are very much in a minority from my experience of posting on this forum for a few years..

Xx

[job]

GalPal,

I am one of the many who has a xh out there circling the moon and may not ever resolve his issues and return to earth a mature, responsible man again. He started his gradual desent into MLC in late 1997 and then working up to a full blown crisis by the end of 1999. He wanted a divorce or a separation whichever came first. He was all over the map and still is today. It took almost 3 years to finalize the divorce because he would change this or that and most of the changes where petty and very childish. The woman he got involved with had already been married twice and loved to party. Let's call her a "Bar Fly". He married her two years after the divorce and they spent every penny on partying and going to sports events until she was diagnosed w/cancer. During her cancer treatments, she had to file for bankruptcy because she had charged up lots of charges and that, of course, went against the townhome they had. She died on the anniversary of my marriage and it was ironic that his life as a married man started that day and also ended that day w/the death of his second wife. While she was in hospice, he was out there soliciting for casual sex, no strings attached. When she died, he played the sorrowful husband for about 4 months and was already involved with playmate number 3. Of course, he lost the townhome due to the bankruptcy claim and he purchased another home in his hometown, lived there 18 months and is now in another state with the playmate.

He is one of those that will never wake up.

Timelines are to give you an idea of what could take place. The LBS that stated her husband was back to normal may be looking down the road to another revisit of MLC from her h, or....he could have had a very short run w/it. As we advise people when reading the timelines associated w/MLC, they are just a guideline and you can't predict how a person is going to react or how long or how short it will take to go through a crisis, i.e., just like the grieving process...some move quickly through it and others take years.

Shorter timelines are few and far between. In fact, most that I have witnessed usually take 7-10 years and even longer. The ones that come back too soon, will revisit the crisis at a later time and the crisis will be far worse the second time around.

[peacetoday]

I think it takes a long time
if the Mlcer is in therapy or working on themselves, reflecting, sharing, having some good direction from another, I think it may be sooner/ or helpful

I also think if the MLCer s parent was a MLCer themselves, they may follow the same path as their father /mother did to some degree unless they get help.

My XH is still out there as well
We are NO contact and have been since 2009 when he decided to leave the state and M again
its about 10 years since bomb
He M the OW in 2009 right after our D and D her in 2017

he did reach out once to me via a VM with a sort of apology on the message with his phone number and
he was drunk ,reaching out for help..claiming he messed up and was miserable
I did send him help through mutual and old friend of his(which he requested on VM)
as far as I know he is still drinking and crazy
when he left in 2007 he was a sober responsible hard working man-

You will see more as time goes on which direction he takes
many will have to get pulled out deeper into crises so they can realize there life isn't working

No easy answers here
try to continue working on self
you will probably get better and feel ok again b4 he does

Hang in

[Adios]

Thanks for comments everyone. I KNOW the timeline is not something to dwell on and I don't. I'm not sure at this point I'm even going to Stand. My H is 61 and I am 65. I retired 4 years ago, have a few friends and some distant family. That's it. No kids, no parents, no siblings. I don't have enough life left to 'waste' on waiting for this to turn around. I will be a very old lady by then.

I didn't plan for retirement this way. To be looking for a job at 65 yr. and to spend the rest of my life alone. Nope - so I am not sitting around waiting for him or timing his crisis. I'm getting a life and not looking back. If H wants to catch up with me at some point down the road then it's his gamble that I will even be remotely interested. If I am, then we will see, but don't hold your breath. I am active, attractive, easy going, good character, loyal friend - basically the whole package. Not going to wait for H to wake up and notice either. His loss if he misses out - not mine.

I can flip around on this hard stance of mine at times but overall its 2 steps forward, 1 back or maybe 3 forward, 1 back. Each day I gain and that is what I focus on.

It's just this darn book - Divorce Remedy - why oh why did Michelle sugar coat the timeline by giving an example of a one year long crisis? That's ridiculous and makes me not want to read the rest of the book. No credibility imo. I spend my time reading material that is more honest, and realistic.

[job]

I have no answer as to why the 1 year crisis was put in the book. However, I wouldn't dwell on it. I read the first book entitled "Divorce Busting" and liked it much better...but I read it many, many years ago.

We are here for you and will be as honest w/you and the posters are much as we can.

[Adios]

I thought I was doing fine - 5 months after BD and all the devastation that followed.

What I realize for the first time this morning is that I am depressed. Explains a lot. Lack of interest in doing anything, getting dressed, cleaned up, doing housework, doing ANYTHING.
Not eating properly - junk because it's quick - stick a hand in a bag and call that dinner.

I have to go out to a party tonight at a close friends house. Don't want to go but going because she wouldn't let up. I actually resent the pressure and may find a way out of it. I just want to wallow in my misery.

Crying throughout the day - easily. And the worst - obsessing about H and what he's doing, who he's doing it with, where they are, studying phone records to figure it out, watching for credit card alerts. Endless obsessing. It's a vicious cycle and I can't seem to stop.

I just want my life to get back on track and feel normal. 5 mo. of this is too much. I'm not the person I used to be before this. No where near it. I don't see any end in sight either.

I'll see my doctor next week for the medication - for depression, with obsessive compulsive tendencies, and anxiety as well. Dope me up and keep me oblivious for the next 5 years or so. That would be nice. I'll take anything though that stops this h@ll that's become my life!