I was here the other day and found a thread for people who have had a MLC and what that was like. Can't find it now. Can anyone tell me how to find it?
Last edited by job; 11/22/1702:02 AM. Reason: Deleted comment about blinking light
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to our little world. I'm sorry you are here, but we have a great group of posters.
There are several people who have had MLCs and posted here a while ago. They are AmyC and Wonka. Many of the older threads have been deleted since the main frame doesn't have enough space to retain all of them.
Try doing a search on those names. There is a thread about AmyC in the homework that I just posted to you. You can attempt to click on her user name and see if her threads will appear so that you can click on them.
How about telling us a bit about yourself or your situation? You will remain on moderation for a bit and that means the moderators will be approving your postings.
Last edited by job; 11/22/1702:02 AM. Reason: Deleted comment about blinking light
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi - yes, that darn envelope is still blinking. I will check out the links from Amy and Wonka.
Me - My husband is deep into a MLC. BD for me was in June and he moved out about 5 weeks ago. It has been pretty rougsince this started in June but pretty standard for MLCer and LBS from all that I have read.
I have limited contact with H to keep my sanity. He seems to be all emotion and generally not in a good space. He has a long distance relationship with a very possessive & controlling OW. Thanks to her my H & I are almost completely estranged despite being on much better terms initially. He doesn't share his gloomy moods with her either since he is still able to present a different image to her.
Anyway, my lifeline has been to read about MLC on websites like this one or other sites, etc. I can make some sense of what is going on and how best to handle things. It's still a very tough journey though and one I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I did read somewhere recently that the MLC journey is even more difficult that the LBS journey and that people who have had the misfortune to take both journeys say they would choose to be a LBS rather than a MLCer. This comment is what is motivating me to read more about the MLC journey.
Thanks. GP
Last edited by job; 11/15/1701:53 AM. Reason: Removed reference to another site name
Your last posting was posted twice, so I removed one of them.
One last thing, we aren't allowed to reference other sites on any of the forums. This is one of the rules that is referenced in the policies of the Board. So, I removed the reference that you had made in your last posting.
Last edited by job; 11/22/1701:59 AM. Reason: Deleted comment about blinking light
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
On a more serious note - I have two more questions.
Here goes: My H was in replay for a short time (4 months) and now has changed - for the worse! Within 3 weeks of moving out into his own place, he has become more withdrawn, quiet, but when he isn't quiet he is angry or on the verge of tears. He expresses huge regret and apologizes frequently. OW still in picture and H has wanted to end that almost from the beginning but just can't seem to do it. She has quite a hold on him it seems and is very controlling and possessive. It's a LDR so he doesn't see her often. It's a lonely existence for both of us living in our separate residences.
Last week or so he has been expressing some suicidal thoughts that come and go but overall he is just so depressed and says this is the worst he has ever been with depression. I wondered if OW and he broke up or if there are some other problems in paradise. Impossible to know what triggered this latest descent into deeper depression. From my end though, he has changed in how he relates to me. He wants to keep contact super brief and there is little conversation other than to express his grief and sorrow, saying he will never be happy ever.
Today he wants to drop by to pick up mail and then said "maybe we can talk". I am terrified. I suspect the other shoe is going to drop. Maybe he is moving away to be with OW, or wants to divorce now (he didn't before), or something else I'm not going to like much.
1st question: How do I handle this conversation? I'm dreading even hearing it. I don't want to cry in front of him but I will fall to pieces. The ONLY thing that keeps me going now is the hope that one day this nightmare will end and we will be back as the happy couple we were before it all began.
The other possibility is that he is coming over to talk about us and 'maybe' how to get back on track toward reconciliation. Ack.. this leads to the 2nd question.
2nd Question: How do I handle this conversation? As much as I would love to talk about this I know it's way too soon in his MLC for me to be entertaining the thought of him coming home. I'm ready but no way is he anywhere near ready. He has so much MLC still in front of him that it would fail if he were to return early, even if he thinks it's what he wants.
The 2 possibilities for what he wants to talk about are so opposite. I will want to drive off the nearest cliff if he is moving away to be with OW. OTOH, I will be ecstatic if he gives me some hope for the future even if it is a long way off.
You are attempting to mind read as to what your h wants to talk about. It could be about anything, but here's what I would do if I were in your shoes.
If he wants to talk about the two of you and what he wants to do, listen and try to remain calm. If he starts talking about a divorce, you can always say "h, I need some time to think about and adjust to this news. I will let you know my thoughts at a later time."
Now, if he wants to reconcile, you listen and suggest that the two of you date for a while to ensure that you both are ready to reconcile and have dealt with any issues that may have come up during his trip in MLC land.
Either way, you need to be the best actress that you can be. The most important thing is to listen and validate. If you need to repeat something back to him to get a better understanding, by all means do it. Try not to fall to pieces in front of him. If you feel yourself doing that, excuse yourself and go to another room until you can compose yourself. Do not argue with him as this could help him justify why he left.
Good luck. I'm hoping he wants to discuss the holidays and nothing more...but I'll be praying for you.
Job gave you good advice as painful as it all is now--It will get easier as time passes just take care of yourself and lots of support usually MLC takes a long time you will understand more about his new MLC world as you see him pass through it
You will learn how to handle him and things better in time I would be curious to see what he wants to talk about?
they usually change their minds many times over as they go on their journey so if its bad news --It may change and if it s good ..that could change also
best thing you can do is seek therapy to help deal with the loss and grief as you watch for clues..get a lot of support get sleep eat and rest
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Ok so we had the conversation and it really wasn't much other than H telling me he can't be happy anywhere and it's nothing to do with me that he left the M. He has a lot of guilt about it. He can't see himself coming back to the M and he hates his new life that he thought would be great but it's not and he's still unhappy
I told him it's maybe time we got closure on the M and said I was ready to let it go completely. (I could try). We then talked about getting back the friendship we have which was very strong before we married.
Maybe we should never have married because the intimacy/sex wasn't the strongest aspect of our M. We both think that nurturing our friendship is quite possible and we are both willing to try. We are both encouraged by that and breathed a sigh of relief that we can drop the stress over the failed M.
Not how I thought things would go but I'll give this a go. Who knows,,,, maybe when the MLC is over things will look different to us again. In the meantime, not going to dwell on it.
Believe it or not, what you h told you is very typical MLC lingo. They aren't happy and they are looking for that illusive happy feel good feeling. Unfortunately, he doesn't realize that depression is working on him.
All you can do is let him go, i.e., mind, body and soul. It's time to put the focus on you and your family. He truly needs to work on himself and the only way to do that is to complete his MLC on his own time table.
If you can be a safe haven for him, a person he can talk to w/o being judged, then try it...but keep your expectations at zero at all times.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
