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#2767961 11/13/17 02:20 AM
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Hi all, I am new here, so I hope I am doing this correctly.

My husband and I have been married 19 years. We have two teenage boys. Our marriage has always had it's troubles and it's been somewhat volatile. My husband and I are both very sensitive people and reactive. He announced he wanted a divorce on August 6th. Even though I had every reason to see it coming, I was stunned. I'm still feeling traumatized and feel like I have PTSD.

I am struggling to figure out how much of this is MLC. He has a lot of the characteristics: losing several people close to him recently, failing career, blames me for everything (monster mode), depression/rage/mania, says it's time for him to "live life to it's fullest", etc. I don't know if there was a girlfriend(s) or not. Seems like maybe there was in the beginning, but now not so much. Although I think he does go away and skanks around now.

Anyway, does it matter? Do the tactics I use matter whether it's MLC or WAS? Is there more of a chance of him coming back if it's MLC? Thank you all for being here, I feel so unmoored!


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
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Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.

Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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First, I am so sorry that you are here, but we have a lot of good people here in all stages of the journey. I would suggest that you read as much as you can and post your thoughts to others when you feel more comfortable to do so.

To answer a couple of your questions:

Do the tactics I use matter whether it's MLC or WAS? You will use the same tactics in both cases. You will need to give him as much space as he requires. Listen and observe. Protect yourself financially because they all tend to spend money at some point while on their respective journey to find themselves. Do not talk about the OW as she really is nothing more than a band aid to his internal hurt at the moment.

Is there more of a chance of him coming back if it's MLC? I will be perfectly honest w/you...it's a 50/50 chance. There's no telling what he will do, think or say. He may opt to push for a divorce or he may be one of those individuals who likes to stay comfortable w/his spouse as Plan B if things don't work out in La La Land.

You, the LBS, may decide at a much later date that you've had enough of his nonsense and move forward w/a divorce or won't fight him on his filing for one. Just keep in mind, at the end of the day, you will be the one to determine if you want to try again...but that's a long, long way down the road. Keep in mind, this is not a sprint...but a marathon and it is not for the faint of heart.

For now, protect your assets, i.e., credit cards, bills, checking/saving accounts. You may decide to seek the advice of a lawyer. If you do so, do not tell your h want you've learned. Knowledge is power and at least you will know what you can and can't do and are entitled to.

One last thing, do not tell him about this forum. Do not share what you learn here. Do not tell him he's having a MLC. They don't like us to tell them what is wrong w/them. He thinks he's fine.


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M: I am new here, so I hope I am doing this correctly.

G: welcome and don’t worry; there’s no correct way

M: My husband and I have been married 19 years. We have two teenage boys. Our marriage has always had it's troubles and it's been somewhat volatile. My husband and I are both very sensitive people and reactive. He announced he wanted a divorce on August 6th. Even though I had every reason to see it coming, I was stunned. I'm still feeling traumatized and feel like I have PTSD.

G: you are not alone. Many of us in long term relationships know exactly what that PTSD feels like.

M: I am struggling to figure out how much of this is MLC. He has a lot of the characteristics: losing several people close to him recently, failing career, blames me for everything (monster mode), depression/rage/mania, says it's time for him to "live life to it's fullest", etc.

G: there is a script; we’ve all heard these statements before...really hard to do, but don’t take it personally

M: I don't know if there was a girlfriend(s) or not. Seems like maybe there was in the beginning, but now not so much. Although I think he does go away and skanks around now.

G: for most of us here there is an OM or OW, but not for all.

M: Anyway, does it matter? Do the tactics I use matter whether it's MLC or WAS? Is there more of a chance of him coming back if it's MLC? Thank you all for being here, I feel so unmoored!

G: have you read the book? Hard to give a recommendation without knowing more about you. Main thing about DB tactics is trial and error. Do what works and stop doing what doesn’t. There is no one size fits all solution or in some cases no solution at all. More importantly beyond the tactics there is the focus on taking care of and healing yourself and becoming the person you want to be with or without your H. If you are unmoored which is totally understandable at this stage, it is probably not healthy or attractive. So focus on self: what did you do in the M that you would like to change for you, to become the best version of you for you?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Hi

You will learn a lot about MLC here
If its MLC it lasts a long time maybe 2-7 years
some don't recover
I think some characteristics are they do find an Affair partner sometimes younger but not always but usually the affair partner is someone with "Issues" drugs, psych .gold digger, etc
sometimes, you may see an older man dye his hair, loose weight, new clothes new friends, new car or gadgets.
Men in MLcer become irresponsible dads "Disney dads"
they spend as Job said and sometimes to point of debt
definitely protect yourself

what you can do:
Take care of yourself
get some counseling
five him space to figure it out
don't snoop but protect your assets
get name off credit cards and separate accounts
I don't think there is any strategy that really works with MLC -to bring them home
they seem to have to work thru unresolved issues from the past and childhood
so this is not your fault nor can you fix it
try to be cordial and kind to him
focus on being there for your kids to fill in the gap of their dad being gone
do not blame him or badmouth him
learn as much as you can about MLC and it helps to know what H is going thru
we are here for you to vent and you will get lots of good suggestions and help

hang in

Last edited by job; 11/14/17 08:22 AM. Reason: edited a word for Peace

married 14 years
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D final 3 /09
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Welcome, MStarr –

So sorry you're going through this, but you've come to the right place. My W walked away 18 months ago after nearly 18 years of marriage.

She's had numerous boyfriends, lots of partying, and a couple car wrecks, the most recent totaled her car and left her with a DWI hit and run charge. Now she wants to come home, but can't seem to get away from her poorly selected friends or controlling, PTSD boyfriend.

This was a woman who could do no wrong, a perfect wife and mother. MLC just changes people for the worst. It's going to take a long time to figure out what just happened. You'll never figure out why, so just decide now that you're going to stop asking the question.

As for the rest, do what everyone is saying. Take care of you and the kids. See a therapist. Get regular massages, go to the gym or start an enjoyable hobby. Surround yourself with good, wholesome friends, watch funny movies and distance yourself from the debris field of a tornado you used to call your husband.

It's the best you can do – it's also the only thing you can control.

{{big hugs}}


Me: 48
WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19
M: 18 T: 20
D20 S18 S9
BD 05/22/16
W asked for D 6/20/16
D final 1/9/17
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Originally Posted By: OC_Hope

She's had numerous boyfriends, lots of partying, and a couple car wrecks, the most recent totaled her car and left her with a DWI hit and run charge.

{{big hugs}}


Thank you OC! I quoted you above because besides MLC I believe I am also dealing with addiction issues. H has always drank too much and has lived most of his adult life high on pot. I'm thinking that this abuse has made the MLC much worse than it would have been.

I am taking care of myself best I can. Thankfully I have a ton of great friends and a great therapist. I also go to Al-Anon which is tremendously helpful.

The rejection is so tough. And it's really hard to discern how much I want my marriage back and how much I want my ego restored. He has been so incredibly cruel these past few months. Everything is all of the sudden so topsy turvey including how I view myself.

We haven't started the legal process yet, but that is coming soon.

Another really tough thing is that his mother, who I have been fairly close with for the past 22 years has also utterly rejected me. That really hurts. I don't expect her to take my side or anything, but she refuses to acknowledge my existence. I can't for the life of me understand since I wasn't the one that cheated or left him or anything. I had my bad part in the marriage for sure, but she knows how hard marriage can be. I can only imagine that he's telling her lies, but I can't really picture him doing that. He was never a liar. How has it been for everyone else with in-laws? Thanks!


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
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Small vent: I'm kind of angry that I'm also terrified of getting older. My skin is getting wrinkly and I'm freaking out too! Does that mean I abandon my family?! Jeez that's the last thing I would want to do. Now I'm a single mom at age 54? Gee thanks. Talk about selfish!

Alright that's all for now..


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Joined: Jan 2000
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MStarr,

I am glad to read that you are trying to take care of yourself and have a fairly good support team that you can rely on as well as a great therapist.

About the mother in-law. Blood is thicker than water and you don't have a clue what he has told her. Right now, she's probably stepping back to see how all of this is going to play out and doesn't want to be put in the middle. Some parents do eventually open their eyes and come to realize that they adult/child has a problem and the parents will then begin to reach out to the spouse.

My in-laws distanced themselves from my situation and still do not contact me. I made a point of contacting my mother in-law, in the nursing home, after I heard she had fallen. I told her that I forgave her for her behavior towards me during the MLC nightmare...not long after that she passed away.

I would keep my expectations very low when it comes to dealing w/his family right now and the same would apply to the friends (his especially). They need to see and hear for themselves what is actually going on. I know it hurts to be tossed aside, but this happens quite a lot until the rose colored glasses come off and they see that something isn't right w/their children.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. The truth will be revealed to them when the time is right.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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MStarr, I know exactly how you feel. My XMIL and I shared what I we both knew was an unusually loving and friendly relationship. When XH dropped the bomb she was as shattered as I, telling me stories of her own D from XH's father that nobody had ever heard before.

We remained close for about 12 months after BD, but over time she pulled away. She too had to mourn, and neither of us could really express to the other our deepest, truest feelings.

I'm pretty hopeful she doesn't judge me too harshly for what her son did, but as others say, who knows what the MLCr's family is told, and what they do to justify the actions of somebody they cannot help but love.


Me:57 H:57
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M:24 T:26
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Yes I don't know what's going on with his family. They always loved me and I really felt part of it. Now, poof, those relationships seem to be gone. I hope they come back someday, but I feel funny reaching out to them.

As far as MLC goes, again it's hard for me to discern. We had troubled marriage, were separated (there are addiction and codependent issues as well) and then he seemed to suddenly come to the conclusion that we needed to divorce. Just before he decided that divorce was the only option he was texting me pictures of his trip to Japan and we had friendly conversations via text. Before he left for Japan, he was super friendly and wanted to say goodbye (we were separated). Then he meditated on a mountain and that's when he said it was clear to him we needed a divorce. Does that sound like MLC?


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
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Yuk! Just found evidence of another woman, girlfriend. Holy crap, going into shock all over again. I knew it was probable, but still is traumatic. How do you not think about it?!


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
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I am truly sorry you are going thru this. All of us here are in different stages of this journey, but I can tell you that your pain will subside. They are all on some weird journey to find some happiness that they think they are missing out on. Whether it is true or not, they will not find what they are looking for. Their happiness has to come from within.

Pray for wisdom and peace throughout this process. Nobody knows how long it can last, but I know that prayer works...I know personally for my sitch anyway. May you and your boys find peace and strength that you need thru this.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Originally Posted By: MStarr
Yuk! Just found evidence of another woman, girlfriend. Holy crap, going into shock all over again. I knew it was probable, but still is traumatic. How do you not think about it?!


Sorry Mstarr. Yes, that revelation is traumatic. Mind movies are a terrible thing. It made me want to vomit, literally. For your own sake, keep yourself busy. For me, I loved vigorous exercise because you can’t think about anything else. And when those thoughts creep in, acknowledge them and let them go. Cry, scream, do whatever you need to do. If you stuff them, you’ll give yourself an ulcer.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Its really hard to learn about the OW
just take care of yourself

the pain will ease in time
for now just have to go through it and get all the support you can
many people understand D and infidelity and can offer support
12 step programs are helpful to get through it

its his crises and Affair partners are just bandaids to cover up their pain
they usually can't and don't last, but he has to figure it out that another person can't fix him


hang in there


married 14 years
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D final 3 /09
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Thank you peace. It's so hard not to take personally. Part of the reason he is leaving is because he felt rejected by me. That I wasn't loving enough. Which is somewhat true. I was distracted by other things. Had a lot of really big problems with one of my sons and other external factors. I just thought, you know, through thick and thin and all that. But I did take him for granted in a lot of ways that I shouldn't have. Now he has someone to "love" him. And of course I'm playing a lot of scenarios in my mind about how much better she is and how she's loving him etc.


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
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The thing that helps me most get through this pain is spending time with my friends. I also felt good taking care of myself yesterday. Getting a mani-pedi for instance. Even though I am worried about my future financial situation, I find it important to take care of my looks especially when having to think about the OW.

What helps you walk through this pain? What have been your best strategies?


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
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Hi, I would say these things have helped me a lot:

Spending time with old friends
New activities and new friends
Practicing gratitude
Meditation
Therapy (in the early days)
Reading and posting on this forum and reading around the subject too
Divorce recovery group
Taking up dancing
Yoga
Caring for my Mum who has dementia
Work - but a nice balance - not too much of it
Volunteering in a charity bookstore
Upcycling furniture (again early days)
Sitting in the garden with the sun on my face or getting out for a walk
Treating myself kindly
Speaking my truth & greater authenticity
Laughing with friends
Looking nice and treating myself to nice things
Little treats - making a nice little meal etc.
Truly letting go and accepting - he will live his own life and do what he will do - I will do the same.

I'm sure there are more, but hope this helps xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sorry you are here but welcome.

In thinking about OW, remember, she is with a married man! The best case scenario is he's lied to her and said he is divorced. But then the whole foundation of the relationship is set on lies. Not a good base. The other scenario is she knows he's married and she's okay with it. That is even worse!

The thing is, he's a broken guy these days. When you've been married 20 years, it is not a healthy option to just jump to another person. A healthy person would stop and really evaluate what happened. He/she would divorce and really heal.

A married man who runs to another woman is not going to be attracting top notch women. She is to be pitied because either she's being lied to and thinks he's divorced or she respects herself so little she'll be with a married man. A decent woman has strong coping skills and when she learns a man is married she runs the other way. (Her line of thinking would be: if he can cheat on his wife, he can cheat on me...) A broken/injured woman is okay with the married man.

What worked for me was reading a lot about MLC. I know I am far from perfect but reading reinforced that how my h coped (really it was how he could not cope) had nothing to do with me. I also began hiking and played a lot of tennis with friends. I walked a lot, too.

Focus on you. Take care of you. And don't blame yourself.

Keep posting. We're all here to support you.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Thank you all it's really great advice. Today I am going to write out a lot of Christmas cards which I haven't done in years. Truly grateful for all the people that have been so supportive all these months! I would write to everyone here if I could!


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
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Hi MStarr-
Now is the time to focus on yourself. Sounds to me like much of your married life has been focused on your H's addiction issues. This time now is a gift, to construct a healthier happier life for yourself and your boys.

If he is failing at business, what is your financial situation and future plan? Can you support yourself and your boys if he becomes unemployed? If you can get yourself into a financial situation where you are ok with or without his financial support, it can make your decisions about the relationship much clearer.

What are your dreams and ambitions? What have you not pursued because your husband took up all your energy, or because he would have belittled your ambitions? If you could have the life you wanted 5 years from now (in this scenario, imagine your H was abducted by aliens or run over by a truck) what would that life look like?

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Ha Who is right
the ow is usually one with serious issues

the mlcer is looking for an escape and most of them will take up with ow very quickly to run from their issues ,pain an d addictions
but this just takes them worse as time goes on

you will see,,he can't out run his unresolved issues with people, alcohol and drugs but they do try

The LBS on the other hand can make serious progress in them selves by doing what KML says
focus on you
figure out what you need to heal
cry grieve and reconstruct a better future
make plans, goals, take up an instrument or paint id you have ability
This time will transform you if used properly
all the best
Peace


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Well here we go with the MLC script; he wants to move things along as quickly as possible. I think there is a girlfriend in the picture. I know it's not all MLC and it was a troubled marriage, but it blows me away how someone can go from a 20 year marriage right into a new relationship. We are still married! THis feels like an alternate reality I can't wake up from.


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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I felt the same..could not understand how xh could move on so fast
our M also was troubled, but I was still shocked
he was a totally sober man, a dedicated dad and financially successful

fast forward about 10 years xh divorced the OW
last I heard he was miserable and addicted to drugs/alcohol

they will feel the pain of all that they choose and lost but not till later
they will run in replay as long s they can until the OW and all the addictions don't work to create euphoria
we feel the loss now..its better to be in your shoes than his

use this time to clean your own house and let things happen
we cant control them

you will wake up in a better place


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 44
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Originally Posted By: peacetoday
I felt the same..could not understand how xh could move on so fast
our M also was troubled, but I was still shocked
he was a totally sober man, a dedicated dad and financially successful

fast forward about 10 years xh divorced the OW
last I heard he was miserable and addicted to drugs/alcohol

they will feel the pain of all that they choose and lost but not till later
they will run in replay as long s they can until the OW and all the addictions don't work to create euphoria
we feel the loss now..its better to be in your shoes than his

use this time to clean your own house and let things happen
we cant control them

you will wake up in a better place



This is exactly what I need to hear this morning. It is better to be in my shoes than his, and I will work on getting my own life and mental health together. Thank you Peace!


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 44
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I had a wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday! H had my boys to take to his family gathering and I went to a friend's. It was a great mix of family and friends. Everyone was very welcoming to me, and the conversation was fun. Very lovely, traditional Thanksgiving. Today, I will celebrate with my boys our own Thanksgiving. It is hard work to take care of ourselves everyday while we feel so devastated, but I am honestly starting to feel the payoff.

It's still hard, and some days are much worse than others, but I highly recommend to new people going through this, to everyday just make sure you do at least one nice thing for yourself.


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 44
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Well, this is weird. Even though we told our boys in early September so that it could all be out in the open and relatives would know better than to ask them awkward questions like 'where's your mom?", apparently the news has only started to get out. I got a call from H's cousins yesterday saying how sorry they were to hear the news, etc. They were very very kind and it made me feel good. Part of the pain of what's happening is that his family seemed to be throwing me away as well, but it turns out that no one really knew. And one interesting thing the cousin said was: "Well, what little I talked to him, it does seem like there is a midlife crisis going on." That makes me feel better, because in the beginning he was 100% blaming me, and I was taking it. Well, he is still 100% blaming me, but I am not accepting it all anymore. I definitely had my part in it, but so did he.


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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Member
Offline
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
I felt a lot of shame when the bomb hit
what would people think...

after a while , I worked through it and it left
many people get D and Many R split

after more time I realized most of his family and friends knew he was having issues
they could clearly tell..when he introduced his new GF at the time of 28 he was 40

as time went on, his mother reached out to me concerned of his mental state b4 she passed..In the end everyone really knows the truth,,,not that it matters but we know we did all we could in a situation that is sometimes very hopeless at least for a time while they pass thru the crises


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 44
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Thanks Peace. This is such a strange journey and it truly feels like an alien has taken him over. Sometimes I see glimpses of him, and that makes it worse, but it's mainly the monster I have to deal with. I guess his family (at least outside his mother and brother) is starting to see him unravel a bit. I have no idea what his mother is thinking. She won't talk to me.


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
sometimes I think it takes a while b4 the MLCer close close family can see it

Im not sure how long it took b4 xMIL called here to reconnect with her grandkids
Im sure my xh gave her a great story about how wonderful his new 28 year old drug addicted W was and what a witch I was
she saw through it because it was so apparent
they can't keep up the fantasy life for long

keep taking care of you
each day passes LBS gets better as the macer goes deeper in crises

hang in


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 44
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Thanks Peace. I really appreciate it. I feel like I'm getting stronger in this alternative universe. It's just so weird being here!


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
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