Yes I don't know what's going on with his family. They always loved me and I really felt part of it. Now, poof, those relationships seem to be gone. I hope they come back someday, but I feel funny reaching out to them.
As far as MLC goes, again it's hard for me to discern. We had troubled marriage, were separated (there are addiction and codependent issues as well) and then he seemed to suddenly come to the conclusion that we needed to divorce. Just before he decided that divorce was the only option he was texting me pictures of his trip to Japan and we had friendly conversations via text. Before he left for Japan, he was super friendly and wanted to say goodbye (we were separated). Then he meditated on a mountain and that's when he said it was clear to him we needed a divorce. Does that sound like MLC?
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Yuk! Just found evidence of another woman, girlfriend. Holy crap, going into shock all over again. I knew it was probable, but still is traumatic. How do you not think about it?!
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
I am truly sorry you are going thru this. All of us here are in different stages of this journey, but I can tell you that your pain will subside. They are all on some weird journey to find some happiness that they think they are missing out on. Whether it is true or not, they will not find what they are looking for. Their happiness has to come from within.
Pray for wisdom and peace throughout this process. Nobody knows how long it can last, but I know that prayer works...I know personally for my sitch anyway. May you and your boys find peace and strength that you need thru this.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Yuk! Just found evidence of another woman, girlfriend. Holy crap, going into shock all over again. I knew it was probable, but still is traumatic. How do you not think about it?!
Sorry Mstarr. Yes, that revelation is traumatic. Mind movies are a terrible thing. It made me want to vomit, literally. For your own sake, keep yourself busy. For me, I loved vigorous exercise because you can’t think about anything else. And when those thoughts creep in, acknowledge them and let them go. Cry, scream, do whatever you need to do. If you stuff them, you’ll give yourself an ulcer.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Its really hard to learn about the OW just take care of yourself
the pain will ease in time for now just have to go through it and get all the support you can many people understand D and infidelity and can offer support 12 step programs are helpful to get through it
its his crises and Affair partners are just bandaids to cover up their pain they usually can't and don't last, but he has to figure it out that another person can't fix him
hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you peace. It's so hard not to take personally. Part of the reason he is leaving is because he felt rejected by me. That I wasn't loving enough. Which is somewhat true. I was distracted by other things. Had a lot of really big problems with one of my sons and other external factors. I just thought, you know, through thick and thin and all that. But I did take him for granted in a lot of ways that I shouldn't have. Now he has someone to "love" him. And of course I'm playing a lot of scenarios in my mind about how much better she is and how she's loving him etc.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
The thing that helps me most get through this pain is spending time with my friends. I also felt good taking care of myself yesterday. Getting a mani-pedi for instance. Even though I am worried about my future financial situation, I find it important to take care of my looks especially when having to think about the OW.
What helps you walk through this pain? What have been your best strategies?
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Hi, I would say these things have helped me a lot:
Spending time with old friends New activities and new friends Practicing gratitude Meditation Therapy (in the early days) Reading and posting on this forum and reading around the subject too Divorce recovery group Taking up dancing Yoga Caring for my Mum who has dementia Work - but a nice balance - not too much of it Volunteering in a charity bookstore Upcycling furniture (again early days) Sitting in the garden with the sun on my face or getting out for a walk Treating myself kindly Speaking my truth & greater authenticity Laughing with friends Looking nice and treating myself to nice things Little treats - making a nice little meal etc. Truly letting go and accepting - he will live his own life and do what he will do - I will do the same.
I'm sure there are more, but hope this helps xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
In thinking about OW, remember, she is with a married man! The best case scenario is he's lied to her and said he is divorced. But then the whole foundation of the relationship is set on lies. Not a good base. The other scenario is she knows he's married and she's okay with it. That is even worse!
The thing is, he's a broken guy these days. When you've been married 20 years, it is not a healthy option to just jump to another person. A healthy person would stop and really evaluate what happened. He/she would divorce and really heal.
A married man who runs to another woman is not going to be attracting top notch women. She is to be pitied because either she's being lied to and thinks he's divorced or she respects herself so little she'll be with a married man. A decent woman has strong coping skills and when she learns a man is married she runs the other way. (Her line of thinking would be: if he can cheat on his wife, he can cheat on me...) A broken/injured woman is okay with the married man.
What worked for me was reading a lot about MLC. I know I am far from perfect but reading reinforced that how my h coped (really it was how he could not cope) had nothing to do with me. I also began hiking and played a lot of tennis with friends. I walked a lot, too.
Focus on you. Take care of you. And don't blame yourself.
Keep posting. We're all here to support you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you all it's really great advice. Today I am going to write out a lot of Christmas cards which I haven't done in years. Truly grateful for all the people that have been so supportive all these months! I would write to everyone here if I could!
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
