My husband asked for a divorce on August 6th after about 3 months separation. The first two days, I did beg and plead, but after that did the LRT. He gave me a ton of mixed signals in the first week or two as far as being physically affectionate, but then raged at me when I wrote him a letter saying I was sorry and to give our marriage another chance. He has raged at me in a really ugly way twice and seems to just hate me. He takes zero responsibility for the demise of our marriage. He said it was all my fault, that I rejected him. That part is so hard for me. He has never verbally wavered from wanting a divorce. I think he meant the affection in the beginning as just friends. A lot of what seems to be going on with him could possibly be midlife crisis. Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself to the community. I am working with Chuck who is great! But I need as much support as I can get. My ego is totally shot right now and I'm dealing with tons of guilt.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you this is terrific stuff! I guess one of the many things I struggle with is that my husband said he "felt rejected on every level" by me. So when I use the LRT, is that maybe a bad thing? I don't think so, because the two times I begged him to reconsider divorce were the two times he ugly raged at me. Plus, I just plain old don't want to subject myself to his rage/hate. I've had to go darker because of his attitude toward me. But is that rejecting him more? I am polite and informative when we need to discuss logistics regarding the kids. But I don't initiate contact unless I have to. I just feel like we have barely any contact now. I have changed a lot as far as taking care of a lot more things around the house and taking care of stuff that he used to (he doesn't live here anymore, but when he did, he complained that he had to do everything.) Plus I have really gotten a lot better about taking care of myself. I don't know how much of this he sees. Last time I saw him was a couple of weeks ago and he was very nasty to me, so I have been avoiding him. I think he is in MLC monster mode. Although I have experienced his anger in the past, this is on a whole new ugly level. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you all for being here. I read the DB book - got it from the library. I am super careful about any kind of DB material not being accessible to H. Thanks for the warning though. I'm also doing coaching sessions which I love.
What do you think of this situation and how I should respond if at all: H was super aggressive regarding custody and was afraid I would "leverage kids against him". I never gave him any reason to believe that I would and have said repeatedly that I am willing to do up to 50/50 physical custody if he can work out logistics (he is living in a one bedroom cabin that is about 15 miles away from school district). After being aggressive and often nasty about custody arrangements (not legal, just negotiated between us), he will often tell me he is not coming on the negotiated days, or that he's going away for a few days, or that he "may" be able to take them to dinner on designated nights. For instance, he is supposed to pick them up from the bus every afternoon and take them to get a snack and have a walk. But like yesterday, I get an email a half hour before saying he's not going to make it. And that he may or may not make it to dinner with them tonight (I leave the house). I am afraid he is disappointing the boys, but I don't want to push him on anything. So I just say ok and am grateful I get that much more time with the kids. What do you guys think?
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
I’m sorry you are here. Good thing you have a coach. Listen to his advice. If your H is in monster mode, let him go. Focus on yourself and your kids. You have teens. They know what is going on and need you to be the stable parent. H does not seem responsible or reliable at present. Keep a diary of your childcare vs his childcare. If you haven’t consulted a L, then you may want to do so to know your rights. Back to you: what did you do to contribute to the failure of your M? Change those things for you and your future R with H or someone else. GAL. Are there parts of yourself that you put aside for M? What are your interests?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I have been working on myself a lot! In that way DB has been a blessing. I definitely did my share of damage in the marriage. Didn't know how to express myself in a healthy way, carried a lot of resentment, etc. Lots of stuff I'm working on. I have consulted a lawyer so am somewhat aware of my rights although it's tricky with the financials for a variety of reasons. There were definitely parts of myself that I put aside. I am working to get those back although I'm still in the shell shocked stage. I find that journaling is helping me a lot. I get up before the boys, have a nice cup of coffee and journal for about a half an hour or more. I find it a really good way to get back in touch with myself. Thank you all for the support, holy crap, this is one tough road.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Yes, thank you. I have been working so hard on myself these past few months! Honestly, it feels like the only thing I can do to keep the insanity away. My self esteem hit such a low point that I could barely function. But some people told me to do something good for yourself every day and I did that, and that really helped.
An attractive version of myself? I am taking a lot more responsibility for my happiness. I have become more self sufficient. I'm taking care of myself health wise as well. Better food choices (not stuffing my feelings with food), no alcohol, exercise. Spending a lot more time with good friends who build my self esteem.
So regardless of what happens (sure looks like we are headed straight for divorce), I will come out of this a better, healthier person.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Keep working yourself for you and not your H. Maybe he will notice in time, maybe he won't. Own your part in the failure of your MR but don't own his stuff. Look into getting an IC if you have not already done so. Realize this is not all your fault Since you are separated your contact with him should be minimal, business like, only about kids or finances. No talks about your R or D.....back way off. Let him go on his journey.
You are correct, you are responsible for your own happiness no one else is. Surround yourself with loved ones and those who can support you. Continue exercising, making smart food choices, drink lots of water, plenty of sleep. It is hard to be depressed when you exercise and increase your endorphins. Getting in shape will also help with your self-confidence. Men are visual creatures, predators by nature......if you take care of yourself physically he will notice, trust me.
Continue posting and journaling.....someone is always around.
Crap just found evidence of a girlfriend. In shock all over again. I thought he was just sleeping around, but this looks like a girlfriend. I know this was likely, but didn't see it before so could cling to my denial.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Thank you Joseph, it really does help to hear from a man. Just found evidence of a girlfriend and am freaking out. My al-anon sponsor told me to pray for him and the girlfriend. Last thing I wanted to do, but did anyway. Crying sobbing, hopefully I am on the right path. Holy crap this is painful.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Well I just realized the symbolism of what happened yesterday:
He dumped his garbage in my garbage bin because where he is staying is not removing garbage anymore. I go through his garbage to see what he has been up to, find evidence that hurts me, and I'm reeling.
I've got to stop looking at his garbage! Even when he dumps it in my bin.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
M, Try to stop snooping! I did this far too long and all it did was make me mental. I saw texts from my W to her best friends that were so hurtful about me and my family that I almost couldn't take. I found out about all the other guys(yes more than 1) that she was in contact with and all this did was keep me angry. I feel that I couldn't begin to fully detach while still engaging in this behavior, so stop! I know you want to try and wrap your head around all that is going on, it does you no good. Keep working on yourself!
Thanks Dusty! Really working on that! Thanks for being here, it really helps
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Oh M, that must have been painful for you to find out. Hugs.
Don't let it blow your mind off course...emotions can make us do silly things, I know that first hand! Keep DB, GAL, and be kind to yourself. Chances are he's not as happy as you think he is...or he won't be after his fog burns off and although this can be a slow process it gives us time to find the real us.
Try to have a good weekend.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Thank you so much Caz! I truly appreciate all the support here. What a lifeline.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
One really great thing about this whole painful process is rediscovering how great my friends are and bonding with new friends. It's such a blessing to have these people in my life supporting me. That plus the "divorce diet" which is horrible, but I have lost over 30 pounds! Lots of silver linings through this pain and I'm trying to keep the focus on those. A sense of humor really helps too. Thank you all for being here!
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Ugh, he just sent me an email this morning wanting to move the process along. The rejection stings once again.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Another email. Very business like. He wants to move forward on divorce asap. This man used to love me. Now it's just transactional. I responded using the Last Resort Technique, but he so doesn't care. He responded right away without even having to think about it. Not difficult for him at all. This is so brutal.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Well he wants to move forward with divorce so using the Last Resort Technique, I did the opposite of what he expected. I was congenial, applauded us for what we were already able to agree on, and hoped we could continue to move forward without too much disagreement, etc. Told him I am ready to move forward with the process. We are really only communicating by email at this point (his monster has come out too much for me in person). He seems very happy to be moving forward with it and his last couple of emails have been nice and friendly. He seems super glad that I'm not resisting. Of course he may change his mind about that when we start talking money. Not sure what to make of all this. It really seems like he wants out asap! Doesn't feel good, but at least he's being nice enough past couple of emails.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Well done on keeping calm and agreeable with the emails. It's very painful being faced with this level of rejection but you're doing great!
Try and have a good weekend and keep up with the friendships you've made and old friendships you've rediscovered.
Thanks for the support Caz, I need all I can get at this point - that's for sure! Did you deal with this kind of all out rejection when you were separated in 2009, or was there hesitation? Everyone keeps telling me there is "a lot of back and forth" during a divorce, but for him (except the first couple of weeks), it has been a one way street to divorce and crazytime.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
On Monday we were supposed to start "the process" and try to come to as much agreement as possible before we start with mediation/lawyers. He sent me an incoherent email instead: so sad to start this somehow
"i really miss kids living this way and i just want to keep options open
i want to be as fair and kind to each other as possible
im so sorry"
I have no idea what this means. I'm guessing "keeping his options open" has more to do with his current living arrangements than any kind of reconciliation. He lives in a cabin in the woods that the kids don't like to go to. In the past, when he has said "I want to be as fair and kind as possible", that was always a prelude to him being really mean and to monster. I interpret it now as he is really struggling to be fair and kind and will inevitably fail.
This week his emails have been friendly and not terse and angry. He even got me an iphone when he got my son one. Said he took advantage of a 2 for 1 promotion.
I have no idea what is currently going on in his head right now. I am still working very hard at "getting a life" and have been doing pretty well. Part of me wants to initiate divorce to take the control out of his hands, but strategically, I think it's probably smarter to make him lead and if he wants out, he will have to give me what I want. And of course a big part of me wants everything to go back to marriage albeit a much much better one than before.
Any insight is much appreciated!
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
I think you're doing great. I agree with the others to concentrate on yourself and GAL. Also, think about what is best for your kids and act to protect them.
I don't think there's any advantage to you initiating the divorce. It forces him to take the actions to end the marriage.
Thanks so much FastCars. I really don't know what to think. Whether this is a midlife crisis or the true end of a marriage. Either way, I have to take care of myself and the boys. Does anyone know what the beginning of reconciliation looks like? What are the odds, etc? How long does an MLC last?
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
He has been friendly in his emails since the incoherent one. I was hoping that was a sign of possible beginning of reconciliation attempt, but I now think it has more to do with me being willing to move forward with D. I haven't seen him since the end of October when he was really hateful to me in front of my son. I think I cried for a full 24 hours after that incident. But since the incoherent email, he also left me cash without my asking. I'm thinking that maybe money is his "love language". But I'm so afraid of reading too much into anything. There is no real sign he is interested in reconciliation. I know he is unhappy because my son told me that he is struggling more than me. Anyway, I am rambling. This is such a difficult journey. Does anyone know what beginning reconciliation signs look like?
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Does anyone know what beginning reconciliation signs look like?
MStarr,
From most of the anecdotes (i.e. not personal experience) that I've read, the beginning of reconciliation, if there is one, looks like the LBS moving on with their life and not looking back.
Thanks. I'm definitely putting on that show, but struggle in my heart. Does that count?
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
I'm feeling a bit better today. More accepting of the situation. Accepting that I may never get the apology that I deserve or that he probably will never want to reconcile. I know this will pass, but for now, acceptance feels easier than hope.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Yeah, good luck with that apology, sorry! My experience with a serial lying cheating spouse is that they will never give you the heartfelt apology you deserve and in my particular case she just gets angrier and angrier with me for no good reason, go figure..
Acceptance is good, it all takes time though and one day you can be up and the next day completely overwhelmed. It does get easier.
I understand the devastation, the pain, the rejection you're going through. The hardest part I find is that she wont admit to the OM(he's just a friend, LMAO)when I have so much evidence. I started a thread on it last week..
The cheater will lie, deny, deny, emotionally manipulate you into thinking that you're a terrible person responsible for everything. Its really cruel what they do to us. You just cant believe that this is your soul mate, spouse doing this to you. I refused to believe.. I was actually actively pursuing her up to 2 weeks ago and still in emotional turmoil when I realized what she was doing to me. When more stuff came to light, a switch went off(pardon the pun) and I want nothing to do with her anymore besides necessary family stuff and the divorce. Like your husband, my wife is utterly miserable but they made their choice...
BUT, on the positive side, I too have lost 30 lbs on the Divorce diet, have really connected more with my kids and lots of new awesome opportunities are coming up. In the next couple of months, year or so you may even count all this as a blessing.
Keep your chin up, keep GAL'ing. Keep busy, buy nice things for yourself, do things that you could never do with him, expand your social circle. Look after yourself and your family. Best of luck !
M-45 W-32 D-10 D-8 Together 11 years Married 6 years Separated 6/2017 ILYBINILWY 11/2016 (also nov 2011) EA 11/16 PA Same time?? NC, detachment started 12/11/17 D aug 2019
I think acceptance is a safer place mentally than hope. You can still root for your marriage but also accept that that may not happen. You sound like you’re doing the right things, looking after yourself and being strong and stable is the best for you and your boys. Staying steady and level headed will definitely help your boys as your h is all over the board right now.
You are doing all the right things, this is a marathon, not a sprint. So be kind to you. Accept your emotions, and accept that some days are tougher than others. If things get tough, or you need to vent- see here as your safe place. There’s always someone around. Treat yourself, get a new haircut, manicure, clothes- anything that makes you feel good.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Thanks guys! Yes I also lost 30 lbs on the divorce diet! Most effective diet ever! I wouldn't recommend it to anyone....
This is definitely a marathon if a race at all. My H is resolute it seems although from what my son says, miserable. Crashed from his euphoric (and callous) high from August and September.
Great advice I got in the beginning was to just breathe and do one kind thing for myself every single day.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
You’re very right. To start off it’s about getting through each hour, then day then week until it slowly starts to ease. The pain and heartbreak may still be there, but so long as it isn’t holding you back then you’re heading the right way. Absolutely do something for yourself, you owe yourself the love you give freely to others. And a happy mama is happy kids.
That sounds about right re your h’s mood. Best not to mind read or focus upon his. Mine frequently dips from highs to manic lows, all part and parcel of their rollercoaster, and we don’t want a go on that.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Thanks Cherry. Wishing all who celebrate it a Merry Christmas! Doing well today. I am afraid of crashing again after the holidays. I can't go back emotionally to where I was. That was waaaayy too rough. I am very much afraid of that pain.
Love and Hugs to all of us!
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
He has been transferring money every month without a problem for the past three months. In the past and during our marriage, whenever I asked for money to pay the bills, he always freaked out and gave me a hard time. As if he was surprised every month that we had bills.
So I asked him for January money because "he's going away for New Year's". At first he just said he would send it, but the next day he sent me another unclear email. He said "at some point, we have to discuss the finances. Me sending you money every month seems, I dunno" . That's literally what he said. I replied "I'm ready to start the process when you are." I told him that in November as well.
I have primary physical custody of our two boys and live in our family home. He lives in a little one bedroom cabin. (his choice to live there). I think he wants to "kitchen table" our divorce agreement, but I want someone strong on my side and would like to do "collaborative divorce" which is sort of like mediation, but you each have a lawyer guiding you.
Anyway, this is all really rough. In the beginning, I thought I would do anything to have him back. Now because he's often been such a jerk and is of course dating, I'm just not sure. I would love other people's insights.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Well he made some comments again about moving on with the process, so I told him I have an attorney that specializes in collaborative divorce and that I would like to do that. I told him that I had thought mediators help determine what's fair and that they only facilitate conversations. I sent him a link with info on collaborative divorce process.
At the end of the email I said "I am utterly heartbroken, I would have done anything to save our marriage". I haven't been emotive at all in several months, so I thought it was ok to do this.
He replied back: "I am also utterly heartbroken".
I feel like this is a typical MLC response because it always has to be about him.
I have spent a lot of time on self reflection, but I have taken it way too far to the point of incessant self flagellation.
He seems utterly done, but because he has been so cruel these past few months, I might be too.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
MStarr, I really feel for you. I know even with the separation and everything else, how it must hurt. I hope you are doing some self-care and finding new activities are going back to ones you stopped doing.
Thanks FastCars. I am really being good about self care and GAL. I guess there's just no way for this not to be super tough. Just a process I have to go through. I have no idea how my best friend turned into a complete stranger that can't seem to stand me.
I think I'm going through the hopeless/depression phase of grief.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
