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#2767921 11/12/17 08:56 AM
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Previous Thread:

Oh yeah, life goes on...



Bttrfly & Job, thanks for your kind words and birthday wishes.

Xx

Last edited by job; 11/12/17 10:09 AM. Reason: added link to previous thread

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Happy Belated Birthday!

I enjoy reading about all your activities. Thanks for all the support you have so graciously given.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
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Sotto, happy belated milestone birthday! I’m glad you had some great celebrations with friends and family!
Originally Posted By: Sotto
It is helpful to remember that it generally doesn't end well for the MLCer. Not that I wish XH unhappiness, but I would like to see him have some regret at some point and perhaps apologise too. I understand either may never happen and that's okay.
This resonated with me so much. I’ve been thinking about it recently, that it would be so nice to hear some kind of regret or apology from H. And I also know that I might never get it. I think his behavior towards me kind of indicates that he might be feeling some regret, but it is not enough for me.
I agree with peicetoday, that your xh’s R and his OW sound like a disaster waiting to happen. She might just find herself a new upgraded version of a guy again. If she cheated with him, he will cheat on him.

I second bttfly, it is always a pleasure to read your posts. You are a great inspiration to folks here. Take care!


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Happy belated Birthday; Sotto !

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loving the title of your new thread Sotto xoxoxoxo mwah


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
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~ Mary Oliver
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Happy Belated Birthday!

I always look forward to your posts, both here and on other threads.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
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1/18: H files, now divorced
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I missed your birthday

Waaaaaaaaa

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Sorry I missed your birthday. xx happy belated.


M51
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BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
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Another Sorry, hope you had a great birthday and life is good. Happy belated birthday Sotto xxxxx

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Thanks for the belated birthday wishes guys. Yes, I'll look back on my 50th with a grateful heart for sure. It was a great birthday and all that I wanted to be!

Time for a quick Xmas update while dinner is in the oven. Really looking forward to the festive season. I have my gold tree up with bright baubles and lights - all looks lovely. I have a little time off and will be catching up with friends and family, along with a couple of big dancing parties - should be fun..

I must admit that XH is truly in my thoughts less and less. It will be four years since our problems truly began (with BD1 and discovery of and EA or so I thought) and 3.5 years since full BD. Life truly does get better and I really don't think we ever regret putting in the work that is recommended on this forum. For me, the D process finalising was freeing and I have enjoyed moving forward from that - made some nice new friends and worked on me - and I do like me better now. I am more kind and accepting of myself and more conscious of my people pleasing ways and boundaries too. It is all a work in progress, but on a good path I think.

I'm catching up with SS and his Mum over the hols too. I always have some mixed feelings about that (what will I hear about XH) - but I am fond of SS and it is good to keep in touch. I'm interested to see how things unfold in 2018 when SS and his Mum plan to return to the US - presumably leaving XH and OW here. It's a bit of an unstable situation I think and will be interesting to see what happens.

Had a nice chat with NG the other week. He and I have a gently growing friendship I think. He initiates friendly hugs and kisses these days and makes nice comments about my appearance. A mutual friend of ours said she thinks he is intensely shy and has probably put me on a pedestal, fearing to ask me out again. But I don't know and I'm letting things gently unfold, whilst being open to other invitations too.

Work has been intense again. So much so that I cancelled some Xmas leave and had a mini crying meltdown this week (not at work, but on my own.) So, I'm regrouping, asking for what I need, carefully planning my schedule and making sure I only sign up to realistic and achievable things - that's very much a work in progress too...

Anyway - for those at an earlier stage in your journey - know that life does become peaceful and happy again and it is nice to feel in charge of your own destiny. Above all, do follow the advice to 'back burner' your errant spouse and focus on you - it does pay dividends I promise you!

Warm festive wishes to you all xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sotto,

Sounds like you will be having a wonderful Christmas. Enjoy the time with your family and friends!

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Hi Sotto,
Speaking of grateful hearts, I want to thank you for your kindness and support during my dark days. I get such a nice feeling seeing familiar names on the BB.
Best,
RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2772256 12/21/17 09:12 AM
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Merry Christmas to you and your family.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Sotto, thanks so much for your always wonderful observations on looking forward and rising above. Hope you have a lovely holiday.

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hope you had a great Christmas Sotto... all the best to you xox


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
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Happy Christmas my beautiful friend! May your new year be filled with love, laughter, serenity and all good things xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
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Sotto,

As SBJ said, Merry Christmas and thank you for helping me through my dark days.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Sotto,

Thank you for being the person that you are. Your advice has helped so many over the years. You, yourself, have come a long way and are an inspiration to all. Keep up the good work!

Wishing you a very Happy New Year! I look forward to reading your updates in 2018.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2773006 12/29/17 06:20 AM
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Hi all, thanks so much for your Christmas messages and your kind comments - you guys are the best and I feel lucky to have found this forum in my darkest days.

I had a nice Xmas, thank you. It was mixed because my Mum, who is very frail, wasn't well from Xmas day for a few days, which was stressful and emotional. She is on the mend now hopefully and we managed to avoid a stay in hospital for her, which was good.

Around that, I have really enjoyed the festive season, meeting up with friends or family most days for different activities. I have a little time off, which is nice as it has been a busy year. I'm away dancing over the new year, so that should be fun too.

I met up with SS and his Mum as part of the festivities and we had a nice lunch together. I hadn't realised, but SS's Mum had a huge falling out with XH and now they don't speak at all. Firstly she took a dim view of him exiting our marriage in the way that he did. But the main thing, she said was his disinterest and unreliability in seeing his S.

She said she would sometimes just get a message saying - I'm away the next few weekends. These would include one where SS was due to visit. She would reply - what about SS's weekend and XH said he'd leave food in the freezer is SS still wanted to go down. I mentioned that I'm sure XH will miss SS when he goes back to the States and SS said, I suspect I may be replaced pretty soon...

His Mum then said she imagines seeing him at SS's wedding in years to come, with W no.5, who will be much younger of course. He will be paunchy and still coming across as the good guy as he likes to do. She really has little time for him at all..

They both commented on how well I seemed to be doing and we looked at some recent pics of mine from various social events. We also talked about a comment from a friend of mine that I had 'bounced back' from the D events. SS's Mum said that it's probably because they don't see you frequently and that each time they do, you have moved a long way forward. Doesn't mean that journey was easy of course.

Anyway, all quite interesting. And the best thing for me? Whilst I still find mention of XH somewhat interested, I really did feel quite emotionally detached from his life and his stuff. It's a nice feeling not to get caught up and have an emotional nose dive at mention of him. Progress for sure...

Anyway, that's it for my news. Relax and enjoy the Xmas break everyone. Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi all, I'm struggling a little today and hoping someone may have some advice or wisdom to offer - nothing to do with marriages or MLC, but just a genuine struggle for me right now.

We've had a real rollercoaster time over the festive season with health challenges for my Mum who is very frail and has advanced dementia. This was compounded this week when Mum took a full body tumble during a care session with me and my Dad. She hit her head and we had to call an ambulance. Then we spent 10 hours with her in a busy emergency room where she was strapped to a trolley with a neck brace and not understanding what was happening. Luckily she just had a nasty flesh wound to her head and a CT scan ruled out anything worse. She came home that day, but not until the wee small hours.

Since this incident, which was of course traumatic, I'm struggling with mental replays of what happened and an awful feeling that we were meant to be caring for her and we caused her injury. We invest a lot of time and care into looking after Mum at home and we did make a mistake in the session which led her to fall and I'm struggling to get past that. I feel so distressed about it as she is so frail and vulnerable and unable to look after herself at all. I just can't quite seem to get past that, but maybe I'm just struggling because it happened so recently.

I just wondered if anyone had experienced anything similar, maybe with children or someone you care for and what helped you move past it. Logically I know that I do a huge amount to support my parents, but emotionally I'm struggling with what happened. I also feel some resentment towards my sister who doesn't really offer much in the way of practical support and just makes 'social calls' with my parents - not even showing up in times of great need - and of course not feeling any of this pain and trauma I feel - ugh...

Happy New Year to you all by the way xxxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Sotto, ok , quick story of what happened a while back, i was chopping some trees with my chainsaw, i had sent S18 to get something and i didn't expect him to return so quick and as i turned around the chainsaw tore through his jeans but didn't touch his flesh.

I had nightmares for weeks and it still gives me the shivers to think about what might have been. My thoughts on your mum are it could have been worse BUT it wasn't. Accidents happen and it can be used as a reminder to be that be more careful. I dont use the chainsaw with anyone within 50 feet of me now.

We all know what a caring soul you are and your real or perceived lapse re your mum happened and treat it as a lesson.

're your sister , we can only control ourselves and hopefully infulance others by example. Focus on all the good you do for mum and dad and others.

2018 is hours away, put this behind you and look forward.

Take care, Rd

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My love are you forgetting that you are human, and as such, will make mistakes from time to time? A mistake is a far cry from intentional harm or neglect.

As Rd said, use it as a learning tool and move on to the best of your ability. It's ok, Sotto. You made a mistake. As a parent I can't tell you how many of these I've made. All I can do is learn from them and do my best not to make the same mistake again.

I'm sorry you're having a time of it. I understand, truly. Massive hugs to you my dearest. Be gentle with yourself. You do a lot, and are in a heartbreaking situation. I know - I've had the care of elders and witnessed first hand what dementia does, and how frail older people really are. All we can do is move on, love them and do our best.

As for other family members not helping, that is truly a tough one and goes on more often than not. Feeling resentful is natural. Try to acknowledge it and let it go. She would be a good person to do the loving kindness meditation on. Just a suggestion.

As Rd said, it's almost 2018 -- acknowledging these feelings is important, but it's also a good idea to decide what you want to take with you into the new year and what you want to leave behind.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Sotto,

I am so sorry about the spill that your mother took. I know you are still reliving the accident in your mind, but you've got to stop being so hard on yourself. The accident was not intentional and anyone could have had that happen. You are only human and things do happen. I know that you are grateful that your mom is okay and you should breathe a sign of relief.

It's not easy trying to take care of the elderly when they are frail and especially if dementia sets in...as bttrly pointed out, all we can do is love them do our best in taking care of them. That's really all they ask of us.

As for other family members not stepping up to the plate...I've got the same issue in my own immediate family. I pray every day that my sister will get her act together and open her eyes and realize that our mother is getting older and doesn't need to hear and see the drama in my sister's family. Resentment does come into play so much so, that there are times I'd like to throttle my sister, but then I take a deep breath and realize that my expectations of what she should be doing are set too high and then I let it go.

Sotto, here's to a new year. I hope that 2018 will be a far better one for you and your family.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2774064 01/06/18 04:47 AM
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Hi Sotto- Happy New Year, though I am sorry it's not off to the best start.

I had something similar happen with my son when he was very little. And afterwards, like you, I was quite shaken up over it. What made it hard is that it could have all been much, much worse and in the end it was all luck that it was not worse. I guess we all want certainty.

And, in my son's case I should have stopped him from doing something that ended up causing him to hurt himself. But I didn't because I was in the middle of something with my other son and also I was sick at the time and quite tired. I felt very guilty for a long time.

In time I realized I dodged a major bullet. For what the situation could have been, we got very, very lucky. Give yourself some time. You've been through a lot these last couple of years. Don't be so hard on yourself and give it time.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Thank you my friends - I really appreciate you sharing your stories and taking the time to post. Mum is still weak, but does seem brighter these past few days and the cut to her head is healing well.

I do still feel bad about what happened and it was certainly avoidable. But equally, we are looking after Mum in her own home, and that brings with it an element of amateur care (ie: in the hands of Dad and me) from time to time. Though she does have 'proper' Carers too, who are excellent.

I'm processing still, but generally doing okay and I am just so relieved that she wasn't more badly hurt from the fall. As HaWho said - I think we did dodge a bullet there and I am glad for her and for us that she didn't suffer more as a result of the tumble.

Oh well, difficult lessons learned and we had full refresher training from the 'proper' Carers and agreed some new groundrules for care sessions too....we move forwards...

Thanks once again - I really appreciated your input in what was a difficult week. Today, I have been for an outing with some friends. One of them had an unfaithful spouse who was getting remarried this week and she wanted to do something nice with friends, so we had a lovely day out and I was pleased to see her happy and laughing. I actually think she is in a much better place than her XH and his (possibly unsuspecting) new spouse. I sometimes wonder if these cheating spouses even tell their new partners the full story and if they don't you are 'in a lie' from the very start. It is hard to feel pleased and excited for him/them given all circumstances..

Anyway, have a lovely weekend everyone xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I am glad to read that your mother is doing a bit better. She's happy to be in her own home with your father and, of course, you coming by to help take care of her.

Try to enjoy your weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Glad to hear your Mum is feeling a bit better and as you say time to move forward. A refresher course and boundaries can only help.

Take care , Rd

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Hi Sotto. Thanks for stopping by my thread and for a very thoughtful post. I’m sorry about the accident with your Mom. But, it was an accident. It happens. You did your best. You are a very caring and genuine person. Please don’t beat yourself up for this. I’m glad that you Mom feels better.

I’m happy to read that you had some good time with your friends over the holidays. Your XH sounds like a piece of work and is heavy into reply, if you want categorize it in MLC terms. Your SS’s mom might be right about OW #5 at SS’s wedding. It is just so sad that he is not that involved in SS’s life right now. I can’t recall, is SS his only child?

Take care, Sotto.


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Hi all, thanks for your lovely comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to post, and Bright, yes SS is his only son. Though we all expect he produce more offspring sometime soon if his plans all unfold as he hopes.

These days, I truly feel very little for him. I still think if I saw him I would be rattled, but otherwise I do think I have released quite a lot of stuff and the door is very much closed, which is freeing. I'm so grateful that I can maintain a relationship with SS too. SS and I are currently making plans to get together next month, with our mutual friend, which should be fun!

I re-met a nice man recently! Someone I had briefly met at an event a year or so ago and thought was very nice. Well I re-met him and he is still very nice. Plus he is single just now and seems as though he might be interested in me. At this event, he joined my table and we had a drink together and a big chat about your life, my life, former relationships and so on. So, we'll see if anything develops there. We swapped contact details. He certainly seems like a decent, bright and attractive guy with some joie de vivre. I'll keep you posted wink

Work continues to be relentless and my ongoing project takes up all of my working time just now. I was flailing around before Xmas and realised I just wasn't making progress and wasn't being firm enough with those around me either. I suffer from 'nice' syndrome and always like to help even if it impacts on my own stuff. I have got much more specific with people now about what I can do for them, by when and what impact it will have on project stuff. I also put a big rocket up the supplier we're working with as they were getting complacent. I think everyone may be a just a little bit scared of me now!!

I'm coming up from the dip I had over Xmas and Mum seems brighter now. She is so frail and it is just a matter of time I know. But it is good to see her looking more comfortable, and she's engaging more now too. Dad had to cancel a holiday earlier in the month, so I'm doing a weekend sit for him soon. I'm hoping I won't get cabin fever, but it is the least I can do really, and how he does this day in day out I don't know. They would reach their diamond anniversary during 2018, so I'm really hoping Mum may still be with us then.

Otherwise, I'm picking up again on activities that languished a little over Xmas. It is good to be dancing and singing again and planning a few things with friends. A little group of friends are planning a week in the sun later this year too, so we're looking at options for that.

Anyway my friends, just wanted to offer a little update and say Hello & once again thanks for reading along and kindly posting.

Xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hey Sotto, great to see an update from you. I was pleased to hear theft your Mum is doing better as well.

I love the fact that you still have a good relationship with SS. This is a real testament to how much you mean to him. I think it is tricky with the step child and step parent relationship when it comes to separation and divorce so you should be really proud that you have made it easy for SS to continue to have a relationship with you in spite of the choices his Dad has made.

Fingers crossed with the guy you re-met. It must be fate that he found a way back into your life!!!

Are you fed up of this weather yet?!! Rain, rain and more rain where I am!!

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Sotto,

I am glad that your mum is doing a bit better and hopefully she will be here for a long time. She's tougher than you think and she's not going to go any where until she's good and ready and the man upstairs calls her home. So, with that said, enjoy every minute you can spare to love and be with your mother. In your country, do you have an organization that caters to the elderly? You might want to look into that area of care and see if there is something or someone that can help your dad take care of your mum and give him a break during the day if he needs to run errands.

I am also glad to read that you have a great relationship w/SS. It's nice to know that things are still going strong in the way of friendship w/him. He knows that he can rely on you if he needs anything.

I hope that everything works out between you and the "nice" man that you have re-met. Keep an open mind and just enjoy yourself if you should meet up w/him.

OMG! The nice syndrome. People will take advantage of you time and again and it's okay to say "no". Please do not allow others to abuse your kindness. When you start using the word "no", you'll discover that they will start carrying their load and you'll be able to manage your work load much better and still have energy left over at the end of the day. I know you don't like to say "no", but there comes a time when you have to do it.

Keep up the good work on your GAL activities. Any ideas as to where you will travel to this year?

Take care of yourself and I'm keeping your mum and dad in my thoughts and prayers.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2776394 01/23/18 09:35 AM
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So nice for us all to see an update with positive news!

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Thanks for your kind comments Coly, Job and Own it. I don't post that often now as you know and it is always nice to know that people are reading along and posting back :-)

Life is good with me. I had a virus that took a while to shake and that was a bit hard going. You know when you've been ill for a little while and just have to decide - oh well life goes on and drag yourself around! My social life was the thing that suffered, and it was nice to feel better this week and able to do my usual social activities.

Work has been up and down and I am trying to bring about an internal shift relating to th work I have been doing. I feel that others feel I should know things - when I know some things but not others. Lately, I have been telling myself I know a lot more than I did. I don't know everything and it is a steep learning curve. It has helped to look at the self-talk aspect of this.

Mum is generally doing okay and I am grateful for her company and the time we have with her. There has been a change in part of the usual care arrangements and Dad asked if I could help with the extra. I thought about it and my response was - I just can't offer that. I knew it would be too much and I told him that. I feel bad about it, but I do a lot already and I just didn't have that in me. So, I'm just settling myself with that one - as you know I don't find it easy to say no!!!

My friendship with the guy I re-met is growing. I went out to an event this weekend and he was there. We spent some nice time together and he texted me the next day to say thank you and he enjoyed it. And he asked if I wanted to get together for a walk that day, but I couldn't make it. I'm having some friends over next weekend and I have invited him to that. He made a sort of general response - generally positive - and I'm really not sure if he was saying yes, no or maybe?! I guess time will tell.

I like that he initiates and genuinely seems to want to see more of me. Also, I feel I'm not really looking for a life partner - someone to marry, co-join finances, cohabit - at least not in the short to medium term. So, I feel quite relaxed about things really, and it nice to feel that interest from someone. I don't know that much about his story - though I know he is D'd and split up with a GF last year. So, I guess there are some things to learn there.

It's school holidays here next week, and I'm taking SS and a friend out to lunch, which should be nice. Me and my holiday chums have also been making some nice plans for our Autumn trip. One of the guys wants to make us some nice local dishes and we are thinking of getting along to a local dance class too....

Love and best wishes to you all xxx


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Well, I'm not sure if anything with re-met guy will develop - though he seems interested, initiates quite a bit and is responsive. He told me that he has been offered a role abroad which he may accept. He is also married - albeit long time (6+ years) separated. And that is something I struggle with too - dating a married man. Could I overcome that? He has also been twice married. Hmm. Again, I struggle a little with that.

So, food for thought - and some red flags too. Though in many ways, he is attractive and attentive and bright. All good things. Maybe something light? I don't know. We'll see how things unfold, but definitely feeling somewhat cautious...

Funny, he raised getting older and that it would be nice to grow older with someone and have someone to look after you. But I don't think it's a great plan to try and meet someone at 54, so that you'll have a carer at 80!? And what if you end up being the carer?

Also, I do enjoy being single just now too grin


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Quote:
long time (6+ years) separated


I'd be wondering why he's not divorced after all this time. Is he holding out hope for a reconciliation? Is it just a practical matter to keep one of them on insurance or something? Does he use that as an excuse not to marry his new girlfriends?

I'm kind of with you - I'm not looking to marry or cohabit or share finances right now - maybe I am becoming the Love Avoidant type myself! But given that, isn't this guy perfect for a friendly fling then, if he's going to end up leaving? You could enjoy him for a little bit knowing he's going to be gone.

(I find for me, at this stage in my life, I'm just a lot more casual about what relationships have to look like. Right now I'm seeing - occasionally, about once a month - a guy I dated before my last boyfriend. He's a guy who told me right off the bat he doesn't "do" relationships - that's why I moved on pretty quickly to the last boyfriend. But we stayed friends, and right now, the ability to know that if I need it, I can drive up to his place an hour and a half away and have a very pleasant day of company, conversation and cuddling with a smart funny sexy guy - then get back to my hectic life with no expectations is very comforting. )

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Hey Sotto, I hope you are not talking about my H, LOL. Twice married and almost 6 years separated… hahaha… I know that I would never consider any serious relationship with a guy who is still married, no matter what he would tell me about why he is not D’ed yet. I always wonder what my H tells the women he meets about our situation… I’m guessing there are not too many who would look at it lightly… And I’m still curios what holds him up from officially divorcing me, so he could find his “true love” out there.

Be careful… Something light might work… But, I think you deserve much better than that! You can meet someone who could be there with you for the rest of your life at any age. When you are ready… I hope it will happen for you, and I hope it will happen for me too…

Take care, and always thank you for your thoughtful post on my thread!


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Hi ladies, thanks so much for your perspective, which I really appreciate. KML, I felt that your post helped me feel permission to carry on with something I did want to pursue.

Bright, hopefully this isn't your H - unless he moved to the UK??

Well, this has been an interesting experience for me. I decided I would gently dip a toe in and get to know this guy a little better. We went out a few times together in a group and I invited him over to mine with some friends a couple of weeks ago. We had a nice evening.

We also met for a drink and chatted for a few hours and had a hug and a quick peck on the lips at the end of that date. Following that, I heard on the grapevine that there was another (very nice) woman in our wider circle of friends who perceived he and she had a relationship that might be more than friends. Obviously a huge red flag for me.

I'm not really pleased about the outcome, but I am happy with myself, what I did and how I went about things. I contacted him and told him that I'd received this feedback and asked him about the circumstances. He said some stuff about they were friends and he had helped her move a piece of furniture. He had thought she might have an interest in him. They were in text contact. He had no romantic interest in her.

I said to him, it isn't okay for me that I'm being warned to be cautious about you after we have been out one time. He told me he felt a bit frustrated about friends who gossip and add stuff together into something that isn't.

I told him that for me it is important to be as honest and authentic as I can be and let people know where I feel we are at. I told him that I had enjoyed getting to know him a little and that I wouldn't want to take things further, given the feedback I had received. He said that nothing had changed for him and that he was enjoying getting to know me. He feels this lady may have misinterpreted his friendliness.

We finished the conversation and I thought about things. For me, I realise it is a complete non-starter to be pursuing any kind of romantic interest when that uncertainty surrounds it. That doesn't work for me at all. It's a non-negotiable. I told him that. I also let him know what I would need (and if I were giving the benefit of the doubt) - he would need to clarify to this friend that he and I have been seeing each other a little, that we are getting to know each other and there is a romantic interest there.

I told him that it is up him what he does, but if he chooses not to clarify, dating someone for me in those circumstances wouldn't work for me. I don't yet know what he will do with that - and really, I'm quite happy to walk away - and perhaps walking away would be best?

The good parts? I was briefly upset. Then I realised I would need to raise this either way. I raised it and we had a constructive conversation about it. I listened and I told him what would and wouldn't work for me. I also said that I may be hypersensitive about this area, and if so I own that.

So, within half an hour I had opened up the debate, been willing to have the conversation and also realise that I am quite willing to walk away. And also that my handling of things and how I feel about myself and my boundaries are the important things here. What he chooses to do or not do with all of that is up to him. I am quite willing to go back to being in friend zone within a wider circle of friends, having protected my heart, if that's how things unfold. And I feel calm and happy about my part and my response.

So, we'll see and I'll update. Xx


T 13 M 7
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Quick update - actually my concerns were really well received. re-met guy came back to me and said he completely understood how I must hearing that.

He had already mentioned to one friend that he likes me and we have started seeing eachother. He subsequently mentioned it to the other. He told me that he hoped we would still have the opportunity of getting to know each other, even if I want to do so cautiously, and assured me that he is a well-intentioned guy.

So, we'll see and I am cautious. Still making plenty of time to see friends and do other things.
Xx


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Sounds good sotto!! Sounds like you handled the situation really really well. I was happy reading this update from you. All the best!!

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Hi Sotto, I've been reading along and as usual you always seem to handle things with such class and style. I think the moderators should put your posts on the reading / homework list.

You give great advice but also accept advice which we should all learn from.

On this latest chapter in your life , I'm going to give my pennies worth as an 'experianced' dater. This guy may be very genuine or he may not. I would give him a chance but have your critia and do not waiver. While I know how strong you are and able to see things for what they are , emotions can come in to play and the lines get blurred, all well and good down the line when you get to know the ' real ' him.

In my own experiance it took a good while to know someone. Things can appear very rosy for a few months but then cracks can show and it's this i would caution you about. You are the prize here and the man you choose is going to be a very lucky man so he should be very appreciative of that.




Enjoy this chapter and keep us up to date on the latest gossip.

Take care , Rd

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Wow Sotto

That's a good deal of all that mirror work paying off in spades being able to articulate your new and now Boundaries without reservation to what someone else does with them. I too have found I am much more rigid when it comes to my personal deal breakers and its amazing how much healthier it is for all involved regardless of the outcome.


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Hi Sotto. I'm impressed with your set boundaries and standing by them. I also like your openness and honesty with this guy and his response. I don't think there is anything wrong with being cautious, especially after what you have been through. Like Cali said, I agree it's healthy and best for all involved.

You have always had such style and grace, and fine being on your own. Boy do I get that! I know you will take it at your own pace, and he would be a lucky guy to have your company. Enjoy yourself and keep us updated.

M


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Everything RD said and more. xoxoxo you absolutely are the prize here!


M 20+ T25+
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BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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A box full of darkness.
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Ah, thanks so much you guys! Things are going well with this guy. I certainly enjoy his company and there is mutual attraction and sparks between us. He initiates quite a bit too, which I like. I am still cautious and I'm not really looking for someone to marry, live with or share finances with. We've had that chat...

We had a great evening out last week - really lovely. Laughed a lot and had kiss at the end of the evening, which had sparks bouncing around in me for a day or so after (it's been awhile...) I later realised that this night was the final day of the 4th year after BD1, where I found a huge trail of emails between XH and his affair partner. It was nice to see that four years can get any of us to this place. The important thing is to be on the path..

What I feel within myself is much more comfort and I do feel I have settled into me. I have less fear about how things may unfold and I enjoy myself more. I'm more direct and I say if something isn't working for me, or if I enjoy something about someone. It's a work in progress for sure, but when I compare 'me' when I met XH to 'me' now, she is different and in a good way. This guy isn't really central to that, but he does feel like a nice addition just now...

Otherwise, I am still doing plenty with friends, working hard and caring for Mum. I often think about an article a good friend shared with me about the 3 great loves in your life - love of self, love for others (widest sense - nurturing relationships with family, friends, animals..) and doing things you love - finding that sense of flow, and activities that bring purpose, meaning and joy. I see these things, along with gratitude, as the gift of happiness.

Anyway folks, I just want to say that there is another side, and for many of us on this rocky road, we feel that we may never reach it. Have I reached it? Who knows?? But we do ultimately get there, and we rediscover peace and joy - and ourselves! I feel so much more grounded now, and I operate much more from my own value set than a sense of what others want and may think. It's freeing..

Best wishes to you all and I'll keep you posted. I have so many good memories of special people on this forum who pay forward the help they received to others and it really can make a huge difference. It certainly has to me and for that my heartfelt thanks.

Xx


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Brava my lovely !!! xoxoxo


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Hi all, just dropping by for a quick date and because I had an interesting exchange with the guy I am seeing. All is going well for me - still busy with friends, parent support, work etc.etc...and life is generally good here.

So, something happened with the guy I have been seeing and I was unhappy about it. I felt rejected and triggered. I'll avoid specifics, but he did something that XH did when he was having his affair and I felt the same (horrible) way. It wasn't actually a huge thing, so I think I need to own my reaction to it too. But it was significant enough to me that I wanted to raise it.

Previously I don't think I would EVER have raised this kind of thing and I felt it was really hard to do so. So difficult that I waited until he reached out, then I just wanted to text about it. Then I thought calling was best and so I did manage to call. But I was so worried about it I actually scripted out what I wanted to say.

Anyway, the good news was I said it and we had a conversation about it. I was calm and explained what my experience of it had been and how I had felt. I asked him if what I had been doing had been okay for him and I asked about his response at the time. He was unaware that he had done this and unaware that it had upset me.

He was completely taken aback. Flustered and nervously overtalking . But the good news was I was able to sit with his discomfort too and not jump in to rescue or downplay how I had felt to make him feel better. He probably responded as best he could 'in the moment' and also said that he both liked my directness and also found it difficult. He isn't used to being with a woman who is direct in that way.

I'm sure we'll talk about this again as he wanted to think about what I had said. But I was pretty happy that I managed to raise things in the way that I did. I find doing that excruciating and I feel vulnerable. But I am coming to realise that it is more important to dig deep and have the tricky conversation. And however things unfold, I just think it is the way I am now - it is my path. Others may or may not want to be on that path with me, but that's okay...

Anyway, hope everyone is having a lovely Easter weekend, and I just wanted to share that one. It does help me see that I have travelled a distance and that the mirror work at the time of crisis does impact greatly (in a good way!) on my life going forwards. Xxx


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Sotto,

I am so happy and proud of what you did.

This is Sotto 2.0–healthier and stronger.

It takes courage to make these changes.

And yes, for a man, it can be uncomfortable to be on the receiving end but in the end, is healthier for both of you.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Sotto,

I am happy that you spoke to him about your concerns. It's better to be up front and just get it off your chest about the trigger. Good for you!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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+1 for handling it the way you did. I've said it before but don't forget your the prize here and if someone dosent agree or treat you that way then move forward. Hard discussions lead to resolution, avoidance leads to discontenment and resentment.

You chose the right path.

Value yourself and others will too.

Take care , Rd

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Hi all, I just wanted to drop in with a little update. I haven't been reading or posting much lately, but all is going well with me.

Still busy with the usual stuff - work, parent care, friends and social activities. I keep in touch with SS who has a milestone birthday next month. He and his Mum decided to head back to the US this Autumn, so that will be a loss, but they want to be near to her family - and I have promised to visit at some point.

I'm still seeing the same guy and that's generally going well. We've had a few ups and downs and almost parted on one occasion. Truly, it's not that easy navigating the new issues you face in a relationship. I also think that I'm quite direct now, and I don't rug sweep if something's bothering me and this does lead to some conflict. But we do seem to genuinely like each other and enjoy each other's company.

I guess a romantic relationship isn't as central for me as it once was. I enjoy the company and I'm invested, but I also like a balance with other friends and activities and this is where some of the conflict stems from - my availability and the pace of how our relationship progresses. So - largely positive, with a few challenges I would say. I like him though smile

I hear nothing at all of XH and have no idea what he's up to. I'm still very much on the mindfulness path and I feel that has made a big difference in my life. I'm more aware of some of the stuff I do now - people pleasing, not asking for what I need - and I catch them more quickly, which is good - a journey and a work in progress for me.

Anyway - that's it for now, but I will say that four years out and I really don't have significant regrets. I am grateful for my life as it is now and I'm happy with where I'm at. I wouldn't really have believed that to be possible soon after BD, so I hope this may give some hope to anyone at an earlier stage. Truly I think the important thing is to be on the right path - the one towards letting go, doing inner work, focusing on you, and leaving your MLCer to take their own journey....

Very best wishes to you all xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sotto,

I am so glad you returned to post an update. You sound great and are staying super busy.

I am sorry to read that your SS is moving back to the States in the fall, but it is a great excuse for you to book a flight and come across the "pond" and visit.

You are inspiration to all! Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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So nice to hear an update from you, Sotto.

Im sorry to hear about your step son, but hope that gives you a good reason to come to the states for a visit. I'm glad things continue to move along with your personal life. You continue to inspire me with your consistent grace in navigating life's twists and turns.

All the best to you.


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Sotto,
If you decide to explore Chicago, I'll be your guide!


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Hi Sotto, as usual you are the guiding light with positivity and style. Sorry to hear SS is moving away but as others have said , gives you a great excuse to travel. Your dealing with your gentleman friend is perfect , you deserve to be treated the way you want , as do we all, telling him and communicating your feelings removes any potential issues of misunderstandings, etc.

Keep on showing us the way , your a true strong , caring person and we all should follow your example.

Take care , Rd

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Hello my dearest Sotto. So great to hear from you!!! I learn so much from your posts my friend. It's like looking into a potential future for myself if I continue to do the hard inner work, and it's inspiring!

While I'm sorry SS and his mom are moving, I'm thrilled that you'll have a reason to come stateside and encourage you to add Boston to your itinerary, lol ! Real time tea with Sotto! Imagine how amazing that would be!

I'm paying attention to how you're managing the new relationship - the ways in which you're different now and the challenges and positives you're experiencing. I find myself feeling like I'm closer to being open to something with someone new and alternately gun-shy. So please do keep posting! You're lighting the path for the rest of us. Much love as always xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
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Hi all, thanks so much for posting. I just had a little read of some posts from my old chums - Cali, MLeigh, Bttrfly etc. I haven't been on the forum for a little while. I guess I was ready to move away a little - but something drew me back here this evening, so time for a mini update.

The R with the guy I was seeing didn't work out. We just seemed to be in different places on things and I felt he was pushing too much for us to be more than I wanted too soon. In lots of ways that recurring theme kept cropping up and I began to feel we were going around the same conversation loop with it. Anyway, on a positive note, we have remained friends and we still dance together, have the odd coffee together and one or two other bits. So that's nice. I know that may well change for either of us if we start seeing someone else. But for now, I've appreciated it. It was good to dip a toe in the dating rock pool after D and there is lots to like about this guy. It also shows me that being in a new R doesn't solve all your issues - just brings a whole lot of new issues to navigate - alongside the other nice stuff of course.

I had to regroup after we stopped seeing each other. Suddenly I had a bunch of time, having been busy for a few months with him. That was a bit tough really. A couple of my good friends had started dating and I needed to build up some new stuff for myself again. So, I have a few new things on - meditation class, happiness course - alongside the yoga, singing and dancing and I feel things are at a level that I'm happy at again.

I did go into quite a spiritual phase for a while - read a lot, catching up on some spiritual books I had wanted to read and one leads to another. I find just the reading of them very calming, apart from the wisdoms in there too. I met up with SS and his mum a couple of weeks ago. He got some poor exam results, so that was a shame and they are hearing off to the US in a month or two. He and I are fixing up another visit before he goes. He had a recent milestone birthday and I gave him a cash gift and a card, and he was really appreciative. I hear nothing of his Dad at all. As far as I know, he and OW are still together, but I am more than 4 years out now, and I don't even wonder or think about him all that much. I would never have thought that might be possible in the early days.

Anyway, to any newcomers, I would echo what the wise Cali says. It doesn't really matter what journey the MLCer takes as time goes on. If we are to move forward and thrive, we have to reach a point of accepting and letting go. It was real, it mattered, it hurt and there is life - a good life - after it too. We just need to move forwards and find it for ourselves.

My Mum is still with us - albeit frail now. She and Dad celebrated 60 years of marriage earlier in the summer. We were so pleased they reached that milestone and we had a fabulous day with them, which is a precious memory now. Anyway, lots of love and best wishes to you all. I always felt this site was a special little piece of humanity and it made such a difference to me in my hour of need. Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sotto,

I am so glad you returned with an update. The courses you are taking sound interesting and fun.

I am also glad your mum is still w/you and your family. Your dad and mum have been together a very long time and when the time comes, and one of them crosses over, it will be very difficult for the other one to continue moving forward. Cherish those times you spend w/them. They have seen a lot and have loads of wise advise to still hand out.

Don't be a stranger...we are always here and are happy when one of our family returns, even if it's just for a brief visit. Sotto, please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Sotto, great to hear from you. Great to hear your mum and dad calibrated 60 years together, thats a fantastic achievement for them. You sound strong and glad to hear you didnt settle with your man friend. Its all too easy to accept things that realistically you shouldn't. Thats not to say comprises shouldn't be made but we all have our boundaries and they are ours to decide.

Sorry to hear SS didnt get the results he wanted or expected but exams aren't the be all and end all of life.

Your spirtual journey sounds good, its always good to step back and take stock of what actually is as opposed to how we might perceive things. They are often very different and in a world filled with famine , war and disease, we who live in the first world sometimes moan and whine about first world problems when we should be grateful to the universe that our ' problems' pail into insignificance compared to third world inhabitants.

You mention looking for new things to fill your time , seriously , you are the queen of GAL, sword juggling , flame eating, nothing is beyond you.

Again , great to see you post. Your a shining light on here of how to deal with all that this site is about and Cadets list should include your journey. I know i say this alot but your strength and fortitude to deal with the ups and downs of life are a beacon to all who are lucky enough to read them.

Take care , Rd

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