Hi I've been reading for such a long time I have gotten real comfort from seeing and reading your stories.
I've been married nearly 25 years, known my H for 30 years. 3 grown children, 18, 20, 23. My H has been a difficult communicator ever since I've known him. We've suffered a termination when I was 19, several miscarriages and I miscarried twins at 12 weeks. I needed comfort, he offered tea and a pat on the shoulder. When my youngest was two my H began working away during the week and returned at the weekend. This continued until the present day. 2009 he became so distant, or we became so distant I noticed he came home opened up his laptop and began tapping away. He never called me whilst away, we didn't spend time together when he was home. I became so down but didn't realise I was suffering from depression. There were signs he was cheating but I didn't fully confront him. Then I met someone, really liked how he listened to me and I told my H that we needed to separate. I'd only known this person for 2 weeks but it highlighted just how sad and unhappy I was in my marriage. This was an EA, but I realised and knew wholeheartedly how wrong it was. It lasted 8 weeks, I went from feeling valued and validated to feeling like the biggest and worst lowlife of all time. I spent a year pleading and throwing myself at my H, to backing off and doing the DB. Two weeks after we separated my H moved in with another woman...but I didn't know this until 2015. We did get back together one year later. I did everything to prove to my husband how sorry I was. Sexually and emotionally. We continued for a few years and in 2015 the woman my H had a relationship with started to follow me via twitter. I contacted her and I said if you want my H I can give you his number, She then went on to say she didn't need his number, they'd been seeing each other for 6 years. My H took 2 days to get back home, proceeded to say he'd lived with her for a year in Belgium. After a few months he then said it was 18 months. I've no idea what the truth is. I got no sorry's. In fact my H says he doesn't believe in sorry's. My H doesn't do emotion, he stares at me as if I've lost my mind. We don't talk about the future, common goals, and he has refused to wear a wedding ring for the last 8 years. When I ask he just stares or says I don't know. He refuses to stop working away all week. Our house is falling apart and I've never got any help fixing it up. But he's very generous money wise, pays for everything especially at the weekend. But I'm so sick and tired f being a weekend wife. I'm lonely and very very tired. 3 months ago for many reasons I lost it, I told my H that was it, I couldn't take any more. He stayed away at the weekends and picks the kids up for football or other stuff. His relationship with our eldest isn't great. He just can't seem to talk to them.
So although I was the one who called for time out, it was a scream for help. I don't want to be divorced but I need a better marriage and I can't seem to get through to him. I'm seeing an IC. I go up and down with the DB but tonight I've made a major mistake and texted a stupid purge that he will run a mile from. I'm completely lost on how to deal with a man who doesn't seem to care about anything unless he wants to. Any and lots of help needed.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
in 2015 the woman my H had a relationship with started to follow me via twitter. I contacted her and I said if you want my H I can give you his number, She then went on to say she didn't need his number, they'd been seeing each other for 6 years. My H took 2 days to get back home, proceeded to say he'd lived with her for a year in Belgium. After a few months he then said it was 18 months. I've no idea what the truth is.
Yes you do. The truth is he had a relationship with this woman for 6 years. Odds are he's still having a relationship with her - have you checked with her? He's lying to you and you know it.
As for saving the marriage - do you know WHY you want to save it? From what you've told us, he's been an absentee partner your whole marriage almost. I'd be willing to bet there were other affairs in the past. And when you begged and grovelled for a year for him to take you back - he KNEW THE WHOLE TIME that HE was a cheater and yet he let you go through that.
It doesn't seem like he's made any sincere effort to repair the relationship. AS long as you pursue him, he won't. If you move forward with your life, he MIGHT - or he might not. Sometimes when they realize they're about to lose you, they snap out of it. But I'd place those odds lower with your H, as it seems he checked out of this marriage decades ago.
I'm not suggesting you go out and date. In fact, I recommend against that until you're well out of the relationship, if that's where it ends up. But I DO recommend you start going out and getting a life, doing fun things with friends, take up new exciting hobbies, be a little mysterious. Let him WONDER if you're moving on without him. And live your life for YOU. Figure out what dreams you've put on hold because of him and child-rearing and pursue them.
Right now he has never really had to feel the loss of your companionship. Let him feel that loss. Create a new and exciting life for yourself, aligned with YOUR values. IF he's capable of recognizing your value, he'll work to become a man worthy of joining you on this new adventure. If he's NOT capable, you'll be that much further along in your new life and that much closer to a new relationship with someone who truly values you.
Well, I know the relationship isn't still going on, she's with another man and they seem very happy and settled. I don't think it went on for 6 years only because he was in Germany and she was in another job in the uk and he did spend every weekend back with us. I have considered asking her but the last contact we had she was a little unhinged and threatened me.
But you make some VERY valid points and ones I've considered myself. It's one thing knowing it and another hearing it from others. Yes I did 'grovel'. It's this very thing that ate away at me for many years. And then not allowing me a voice. He wouldn't discuss anything or let me question his relationship with her by saying we're moving on.
I've tried GAL, it has little to no effect on him, it even makes him happy I think that I'm moving on. But it helps me. It's when I allow him back into my head I become undone. He came back this weekend and stood in my house and ignored me, didn't ask how I was and it set me back and that's why I'm here. I felt totally lost all over again, but that's down to me. I need to develop a thicker skin.
He's a man with very little emotion. He knows this and knows he needs to make more of an effort with the children and yet he's like a robot whose default is work.
But you're right, I need to start thinking about me, what I want and my needs. It's just extremely hard for me right now but I will get back to feeling stronger...I think I've hit a three month wall or something.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
That sounds like a long, dark, difficult time in your life. I can relate because my husband had an affair and is also working all the time. It's good that your kids are older so whatever happens now will have slightly less impact on them. Technically you've already been living on your own without the love and support from a husband you've wished for since your husband hasn't reciprocated in so long. Your life won't be so different if you get divorced except you'd be free to meet a new man. I'm still figuring things out myself so I'm not sure there's much I can suggest except that it's just so hard to engage someone who doesn't care about you. Your choices are somewhat limited if he's not communicating. Maybe you really need to take a radical approach and prepare yourself for separation and divorce and follow-through and then you'll see if he has a change of heart. Otherwise this has gone on for so long that nothing may change any time soon. One would wonder why your husband isn't the one to request a divorce, or tell you himself he wants to leave, if he has no interest in working on the marriage? That doesn't seem fair. I hope you can share what's holding you back from freeing yourself from this marriage. I myself would like to know since I'm in a similar position!
Thank you so much Nicole, I've been reading your story but I will go back and revisit.
I'm sorry you're in this position too, it's a hard and lonely road.
I think my H was happy with the status quo. He liked having the freedom during the week to work all hours then return here to be with the family at weekends. He enjoyed the weekends and although he didn't do anything around the house repairs, garden or such, he did always cook Sunday lunch.
I just always felt it was a pitstop, that I was a burden, the nag who wanted more and better communication. And the guilt I feel for speaking my mind or asking for what I want is tremendous. I always feel like I'm asking for too much and yet all I've ever asked for is more contact during the week, for my H to show he cares because I know he loves us and me included. Well I did but I'm not so sure anymore.
We had a period of being very loving towards each other but it was at the expense of me clearing up the past. He wouldn't allow us to talk about it without getting defensive, shutting down etc. Shutting down is his go to mechanism.
I'm not without my faults. I'm looking into this. Just when things may look like they're improving I seem to sabotage it with needing more too quickly because I feel so frustrated. I'm impatient. To be honest I really don't know what a normal marriage feels like...if there is a normal?! And maybe I don't know how to be a wife right now.
I think I'm going to take a huge step back but I need to stop making calamitous mistakes like sending texts that will make him baulk even more. I can go for weeks being strong and then boom, something happens and I send needy stupid texts. I'm a fool to myself.
As to whats holding me back, I actually do love him. I get so far like this recent separation and I have regrets. I don't regret making a stand this time, but a huge part of me wishes I could've done something within the marriage to improve it. But my own stubborn resentments got in the way. Although I talked and asked H for a better marriage, maybe I should've actioned for a better marriage.
I don't know, I feel lost right now.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
I've read the book twice. And I will read the links. I've read some of them in the past but I will go through them again tonight.
I feel like I've been DB for many years but I've recently begun to see an IC and have had 5 sessions. I think I need to work on myself before I can sort my relationship with my H out marriage or divorce. But it doesn't stop the hurt from taking over.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks Jim, I'm thankful for all replies and advice.
I intend to follow any advice that will help me feel better about myself and my situation.
I got a reply from my H regarding my 'slip' of a text(s) yesterday. Once I'd slept (not much sleep at all) on the purge of texts last night, I emailed an apology this morning. In my mind it was my last correspondence with him and decided to lay my cards on the table. It was a frank and honest email, no begging, no excuses etc
His reply was equally honest in that he said he really appreciated the email, my honesty and that tonight when he gets home from work he will reread it and digest what I've said.
I simply replied thank you. And now I will leave the ball in his court, get more of a life and concentrate on fixing up my house and my business.
This board has been my late night saviour for many years on and off, and I really appreciate the awesome time and support everyone has for each other.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
any advice that will help me feel better about myself and my situation.
But I DO recommend you start going out and getting a life, doing fun things with friends, take up new exciting hobbies, be a little mysterious. Let him WONDER if you're moving on without him. And live your life for YOU. Figure out what dreams you've put on hold because of him and child-rearing and pursue them.
This ^^^^ is reposted from kml. This is a large part of the answer to your question.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
For the last 16 years my H has worked away all week, so I feel my whole life for that time has been getting my own life, doing things by myself. And I have been doing more of that these last few months, going into the city, concentrating on my business, rescuing two more dogs.
I will try and think of a few more goals that I want to achieve in the next few weeks. My H won't bat an eyelid but I guess thats not the point.
There is one thing I'm saving up for and thats a trip to Norway and Iceland. My son wants to go so we will make it a joint holiday.
Nothing else to report apart from me asking for some money today to fix the boiler that broke down before he left. He was never one for helping with the house except for paying for the repairs. So I asked and he sent a short but to the point text that he will provide the money. In the past (probably as long ago as last week) I would've been upset he's so cold but right now I'm snowed under with work and simply just relieved the boiler will be fixed and we'll have heat!
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Not much to update. Hardly any contact apart from a couple of texts regarding money and our broken boiler. We have heat!!! So nice to wake up to a warm house!
Our texts are very to the point, no deviating from the banal subject of money. I have my IC today which will be good to put the yo yo couple of weeks into perspective though.
I've had a good few work projects to keep me occupied and organising a trip to see daughter at uni.
Sometimes I'm just too busy/tired to think of the situation and this must be how H is because he's always busy. But other times my head is full of the situation, especially when I'm walking the dogs.
I will catch-up on everyone else's stories tonight.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Sometimes life is quite mundane and boring, especially when it feels like there's no progress in fixing or ending our marriages. That's good though you're staying busy. You should definitely go to Norway and Iceland! I love the whole Scandinavia region and I just took my daughter to Sweden this summer and we can't wait to return. I've been going there for 20 years. You'll love it. A trip can also be therapeutic and a great experience for your son.
Thanks Nicole...I hope everything's okay with you?
Ooh, Sweden was on our list too. I've heard it's very expensive to travel the Scandinavian countries? Transport, food and accommodation? Did you find that Nicole? I'm so looking forward to it...just concerned about the dogs. They can be a handful and not sure whether to let my other son take care of them, board them at someone's home or kennel them. Something to research.
I saw my counsellor yesterday, it was a good session. She's so nice. I showed her my H's replies to my texts and she was...I'm not sure which word to use, shocked, appalled, confused. She said his choice of words were robotic, lacking in emotion and business like. She said if thats how he speaks and has conversed with me for so many years it's no wonder I am needing 'more'.
She believes he's been emotionally abusive. Not in the usual name calling way, but slow insidious way, as in stonewalling, not allowing me to be me, speak freely emotionally. Not giving me what I need. It's been going on for so long I hadn't fully grasped it but I'm beginning to wake up. It's sad. But H may not be someone I should be with...at least for now.
And I hope something good will happen for all of us! Haha, that sounded like something from A Christmas Carol, but it's not long! The next hurdle...Christmas and my 25th wedding Anniversary on Dec 23rd. Always something to deal with on this journey.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
I got a couple of texts from H, they were in reply to my financial texts. But he also talked about how he was trying to get back but having a hard time due to the traffic across the tunnel (he works in Germany, and drives to the UK)
H hasn't shared his travel arrangements with me in a long time.
I said if the traffic was too horrendous, he shouldn't stress as the children would understand. And to drive carefully whatever choice he made.
H text again saying he had hoped to get back to say Hi to everyone. I don't know if that included me and TBH, I didn't dwell on it but I text back again that the children do understand.
Maybe he is feeling a bit isolated. H has my sympathy, working away has it's pluses and drawbacks...but it's been his choice to put work ahead of everything else. Especially me and the children for many years. I'm thinking he wasn't so snowed under work wise this weekend and had time to see them in. And maybe time to ponder a little...H has never really been a ponderer or ever made the time to do so. Maybe reality is hitting. Who knows?
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Forgive me if this comes across harshly, I haven't posted here in years and the time and distance from my own sitch have allowed me to let go of the emotions.
It sounds like you kept recent communications strictly business and as soon as he added something personal you reciprocated. This gave him what he wanted, knowing that you are still there for him to meet his needs.
This is the time when you should be focused on YOUR needs. Put him aside entirely. Communicate politely about business (money, kids, house) but nothing personal. It's not your job to protect him from the consequences of his actions. It's not your responsibility to manage his relationship with your grown children. You've done that for decades and look where it got you.
You should spend your time and energy figuring out what you want the rest of your life to look like. Including and especially if and why you want to continue in this marriage that you describe as unfulfilling. No one is going to put you first except you so do that. You deserve it.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thank you Pearlharbr, I needed to hear this...and it wasn't harsh at all!
I know you're 100% right. I think for me I'm just very polite, if someone takes the time to write a text I reply and it does pain me not to reply in detail, so for me I was pretty short. And yes a part of me was relieved he added some personal details. I guess I'm human. I would say 'drive carefully' to anyone on a 6 hour drive. But you're definitely correct in that there was no need to tell him the children understood he couldn't get back. I don't need to answer for them, and shouldn't.
I'm a 'must try harder' work in progress. And it really helps to hear how I should go about these text exchanges as I'm clueless sometimes. So thank you.
I will say I feel so much better when I don't see him or hear from him. Just calmer. Not sure what that means, I will live my life for me (which I've mostly been doing these past months).
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Sweden is a little expensive but it depends on where you stay and shop. I'm American and studied there in college and have had friends there since that time, so when I go I usually stay with friends and don't always eat out which minimizes the cost. But this time we stayed in hotels part of the time and ate at a few restaurants and other times bought food from the grocery stores or even Seven Eleven. The US dollar was somewhat strong this past summer. If you're in the UK I haven't checked to see how it would be for you, but there are options like the Stockholm Hostel with its private rooms and kitchens which is good for adults where you can get a room for $99 USD per night and then you can eat at food courts and sandwich shops if you're looking to save money there. I love all of Scandinavia, but I'd also like to see parts of the UK outside of London, especially Devon. I'd love to live in Europe. If my husband wants a divorce I wish to move over there except it's hard not having support with a young child.
It's good your husband progressed slightly in his texts. Maybe the holidays will present an opportunity for you and your husband to connect somehow. They can also be a lonely time but maybe your husband will come out of his shell just a bit, we can only hope!
Thanks for the info Nicole, it's very useful. I like to eat out but I'm just as happy when buying groceries to take back to the hotel. We are also walkers, so love to travel to places that have great walks and trails etc. We also don't mind travelling on local transport too.
That's wonderful you have a whole network of friends in Sweden, it's always nice to see familiar faces as well as new ones. I'm hoping if I start travelling alone or with my son I will make some new friends as I like to connect with people!
If you wish to travel the UK, I especially recommend the highlands of Scotland, Glencoe is one of my favourite places in the world and I've been to some lovely places. It's truly peaceful, atmospheric and genuine. If I move I'd either move there, Cumbria or Cornwall. My goal, when the children have moved on is to find my perfect cottage with a studio and meadow attached for my dogs (replace meadow with a bit of land according to how much spare cash I have!)
I understand your fear of moving with no support. Sometimes the fear of never doing something we've dreamed of is as bad. I need to get brave and listen to my own advice...
If my H won't join me in my future dreams I'm happy to dream alone. He always sidestepped, avoided or downright ignored me when I used to dream or talk about my dreams of moving. He was so obsessed with working, I felt his disdain when I would mention anything that didn't fit with his goal of staying in Germany for work and coming back here for a few stolen hours to 'catch up' with us. It literally would be as if I hadn't spoken. H was very adept at disregarding me.
You know, I'm looking forward to the holidays. My H was good during the Christmas break. He did make time for us...very generous gift wise...because he wanted that time as family time. He forgets there are many many more days in the year. And we don't just exist on summer holiday, Christmas and a few short hours on the weekend. But we have our routines and traditions to fall back on which is comforting and I'm not unhappy with my own company if the children do spend time with H. I do wonder what he'll do or where he'll take them, but I won't be upset because I will actually look forward to some time alone. Plus my sister will be here Boxing Day.
I think it's more complicated when the children are younger. Will you be alone with your daughter or do you have plans settled for the holidays?
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
You mentioned your husband's texts last week. It may be helpful to analyze them more and try to detect a trend. Is he more responsive during a certain time of the day or week, or during certain occasions (like holidays)?
You know there have been some new threads here in the last week or two that seem to be from people writing from your husband's perspective. Like "I ignored her requests all those years and now she's leaving and I think it's too late..." Maybe you need to consider whether you want to let this situation drag on or whether you want to tell your husband you're ending it, and actually do it, or see if it awakens him to change right before you file for divorce and possibly open a window towards reconciliation. It seems there's the soft approach, which may not bring about major change, or the drastic approach, which may work. Either way you need to make sure you're executing either approach properly. It seems the DB book offers guidance but it's not so specific about situations where the spouse lives and works in another country most of the time and the marriage is already long-distance under 'normal' circumstances. Maybe a DB coach or your own counselor could help with that.
I'd love to visit Glencoe. I hope you can someday live in a cottage in the countryside. I'd love to have a 'stuga' in Sweden, a summer house, or a cottage somewhere in rural Europe. Here in the US we have a lot of beautiful places but sometimes there's a certain combination of elements that we don't have here that only exist somewhere else. Like a certain level of humidity, landscape, climate, architecture, and climate. Here in North America I find the Quebec region of Canada to be beautiful, particularly around Quebec City. Have you been to the US?
I hope the holidays do bring about positive change for either your marriage or for you on a personal level. There are still a few weeks for you to plan your strategy for your husband so hopefully you'll feel confident about what you choose and it'll work for you!
To answer your question, I guess I thought my H and I were in the LRT arena. I mean we agreed a separation was for the best and I told him it wouldn't be half measures like last time...ie no sleeping on the sofa or my bedroom at the weekends to make it easier for him to see the kids.
I guess deep down I thought he would see this as a wake up call...and even though I meant it, I had hoped he'd think 'cr&p I need to sort this out and make my wife feel valued'.
I should've known better, he's gone off to Germany and taken root there, work is the air he breathes, we, mainly me, are not that important to him on a day to day basis. He is very capable of shutting me out as though I don't exist.
His texts today are robotic and interpersonal. I do read the guys on here who would do anything to change and are changing...the difference being, my H doesn't feel that need to change for us, but more especially for me.
I've been feeling good for a couple of weeks, and then today I feel low, tired and worn out. It's all just hard work, and today happiness is elusive. I will feel better again, I have my IC session tomorrow which will help.
I suppose what I should've said is that if I file, he will just carry on as business as usual. He either won't or can't or doesn't want to let it bother him. I don't know which and my IC believes my H likes to keep me in that mind set. Which beggars the question...why am I letting him get to me today?
I feel I've come a long way and eventually I will file, but at the moment I'm not sure what is the right thing to do...so I will just keep on doing my own thing, get the house looking great and concentrate on my business. And plan for my cottage in the countryside with my dogs. My boys know I'm feeling low today and I've been treated to an early dinner, tea and biscuits...I feel I've got something right at least. Two boys (20, 23) who are empathetic, affectionate and just nice people.
I hope you realise your dreams too Nicole...come visit and we'll walk the highlands together!
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
I forgot to add, yes I've visited the US. We've been to Colorado, Breckenridge...absolutely beautiful. It was in the winter, so stunning, but I'd love to go back in the early summer and walk the trails and mountains. I've been to Florida, and New York a few times too. My children love New York and I enjoyed it but preferred Colorado with it being more laid back and less frenetic.
We've been to Italy, Spain, Portugal, Barbados and Grand Caymans. We've been fortunate to be able to travel to some lovely places and they've all been special in their own ways. I've always wanted to visit Canada, it's on my wish list. Life is all about dreaming!
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
It sounds like you've done what you can. It's really hard. It doesn't sound like your husband is an easy one. My counselor and psychologist say my husband is distracting himself to avoid dealing with the issues. Perhaps your husband is doing the same. Surely your husband is aware of his behavior at some level.
I don't blame you for feeling low. That is so wonderful though to have your sons. That's sooooo nice they treated you to dinner!
I wish this forum would let members know each other's contact information but I don't think that's possible. I really do plan to tour more of the UK sometime in the next few years and would honestly be happy to meet you! But it sounds like this site doesn't allow that. There are a few other forums over the years focused on other topics where I've met friends online and they are still real friends to this day.
One thing I noticed from your profile is that you and your husband have been together for a really, really long time. There are almost two ways of looking at it. One would be that if you've made it this long, you might as well stay married and accept how things are. The other would be to say "that's enough" and plan for divorce. It sounds like you're planning for divorce but either way it sounds like nothing will happen, or change, overnight so you are doing the right thing by focusing on your everyday life and business.
There is more I wish to write to analyze the issues more deeply but unfortunately I have to go for now.
I hope the rest of your day goes well and you fall asleep feeling peaceful!
You've hit the nail on the head...my husband isn't easy at all, even my IC is confused by him. And she says it's little wonder I'm confused, bewildered and put off balance because of him.
He does distract himself with work, but I don't think thats a hardship for him, he loves his job and I almost get the feeling he's now relieved he can devote seven days a week to it.
Yes we've been together a lonnnnng time. I did try the former, Tried to ignore my needs and push on through it but I just reached a point and felt I needed a voice. I literally just wanted to be heard. Besides, I made the break...H doesn't want to put in the work and R...or R without putting in the work. I don't know what H wants because he doesn't communicate with me. I'm at an impasse and thats why I need to let him do him, and I'll improve me.
Thank you for responding...have a good day/evening yourself!
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
His texts today are robotic and interpersonal. I do read the guys on here who would do anything to change and are changing...the difference being, my H doesn't feel that need to change for us, but more especially for me.
Caz, he may never feel the need to change for you. But you have a choice. You can accept it and continue as you have, or change, and do what makes you happy without concern for what he thinks.
I've been feeling good for a couple of weeks, and then today I feel low, tired and worn out.
I have been reminded it's not a linear process.... some days you feel great, others, miserable. It would be easier if each day got a little better, but that's not how it works. I have problems with this as well, and I expect most of us on this board do, too.
BTW
I do know people on this board have gotten together in real life. They arranged a date/time and location that was equidistant, and got together.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Hi Jim, thank you for coming by my thread, I appreciate it.
In my logical, happy days...which are most days...I know I made the correct choice for me. That my H will never put me first or make changes for me. Just some days I get jolted by an impersonal text and the pain comes flooding back. I've tried so hard to keep happy and cheerful most days, a down day brings me low and I know I just need to recharge.
It's one down day, tomorrow will be better I'm sure.
My boys have already cheered me up by being them. I don't lean on them or discuss my R problems with them...they know what's going on...but my eldest noticed I was looking stressed and tearful and I simply said I was having a bad day, I didn't know why but I just needed some time. He gave me a hug, made me tea and biscuits...then cooked dinner. My other son came and chatted with me about music and films and I felt better. They are truly lovely young men.
And also, I had noticed a few people had met up, which I know isn't encouraged but they got around it somehow. I think that's great for them!
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
I second what Jim said. The only person you can control is you. You can't make anyone else do or say or feel what you want. Keep focusing on what you want and what will make you happy. Let go of any outcomes. It's hard but it works.
I love Scotland! It was the first place we ever went in Europe and immediately fell in love. One of my future goals is to live in Europe for at least two years. Edinburgh would be our first choice but we'll have to see how Brexit shakes out.
And yes, I have friendships IRL with people I met here. So far I've only met one in person but we keep up on FB. It's a little surreal because we were all going through our crap so long ago, everyone's situation has been resolved and we've moved on. But we were so close in such a terrible time that it's a bond we'll never forget.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I 100% agree with you and Jim. I'm there most days but probably not as much as I should be or think I am.
I have IC today, which sometimes makes me feel good and sometimes I feel discombobulated for the day!
I love Edinburgh too, it's a friendly place which you can't always say about a big city. I would move tomorrow if I didn't have my sons living with me...I would miss them like crazy, and we make a great team right now. But once they've settled into their lives, I'm going to begin my new phase, wherever that may be. And oh Brexit is a pain! Hopefully not too much will change though...
I'm glad you've made friendships on here Pearl and they've all moved forward...happily I hope.
Thanks for coming by, I appreciate it.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Not much has happened. We've had two health scares recently. My son had a lump that needed checking at the hospital. My H wasn't really in contact, didn't seem that concerned but he did send two messages that day. One to offer any monetary aid if son needed it and asked if I got to the hospital okay. No words of sympathy or concern, not that I was expecting any...but deep down I thought he would offer some words of comfort, after all its his son and surely he must have realised how worried I was. TBH, I wasn't worried about the lump, but I was worried because my S was worried. And he is obviously worrying himself over something to get worked up by this medical issue.
The other text was quite a nice one. I had informed him that day that my lump now appears to have reduced in size and is probably hormonal. That I will still be needing an exploration but it looks like it will simply be a precautionary measure. Im angry with myself that I let him know at all, it made me look needy and pursuing. The reason I had let him know was because I was asking if he still had health insurance for the family. I thought I'd sounded ambiguous so I filled him in briefly on why we may need it if necessary. He had said no, we didn't have it but he was thinking about renewing it for ALL of us, which I thought was very strange as we're separated now. Anyway he sent a text saying how thats great news (that my lump could be due to hormones) and two smiley faces.
My counsellor has said much the same as DB...to not text anymore and let him make any further contact. And that's exactly what I'll be doing now that these health scares have passed. My Dr's appointment is on the 21st of this month but I'll be going and not mentioning it again. We worked on strategies to get me over the way I feel when he dismisses me, when he doesn't contact me or stares me down. It was such a good session. Plus we're moving beyond talking about the past and going onto the future. How to make a new life for me, to get back to the old me but with a fresh start...which is including personal training from her! So I get two for the price of one, counselling and exercise, brilliant!
My H hasn't seen the kids properly for 5 weeks. He saw two of them briefly for a few hours Saturday. He was due to see them all Sunday and take them out for the day but there was a huge snow dump all night and day. I told the children that if it makes it easier (and safer) he should come and spend time with them at the house. I had to walk my dogs and I have a horrid cold, so I knew I would be cocooned upstairs in bed working anyway. He replied to the children's text that he would 'try' but I guess getting back to work in Germany was more important than seeing them. I've not heard from H but they say he got back safely (normally I would text and ask but this time I pictured my IC face and held off!!...well my son said 'yeah he text, but I've not looked at it...I guess he got back okay'
I asked my S how he felt that he'd not seen his dad in so many weeks...he shrugged and said 'Its no big deal...I'd feel unhappy if I didn't see you for that long though'
I just feel sad he feels that way. I know he's an adult, but it pains me. BUT I'm not 'fixing' their relationships with their father any more.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Our 25th wedding anniversary is approaching just before Christmas. Usually we go away for one to two nights and buy each other lovely gifts.
What do I do this year? Do I acknowledge it? Wait for H and see what he does? When we separated the first time a few years ago we still went out to dinner...
I thought I'd feel upset and sad but I don't. I feel quite calm, not detached exactly, more curious. I guess I will just wait it out. H always takes a week off work during the Christmas period, maybe he'll start thinking about what he wants...but maybe he won't.
Ugh.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
So it looks like my H has already moved on, possibly had already been seeing someone whilst we weren't separated but I can't prove that.
My son saw a text message with lots of heart emojis whilst they were at a football match.
I've sent a text asking if he's sleeping with anyone. Of course he's never been upfront in the past, theres little to say he will now.
Yes, it was my idea to separate because I had thought in my naive way he'd have some kind of awakening and realise what he was throwing away. That he was being unfair and needed to make compromises.
I'm a fool. I feel foolish and discarded and just plain done.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
You're not a fool, unless loving and trusting someone is foolish.
I understand the feeling though. I feel like a right idiot for leaving my family, friends, career, my country, for someone who clearly never valued me.
Sorry to hear about the possible OW. Take some time to digest this. Don't do anything yet. Now you've asked the question of him, just leave him be. Ignore him even.Tine to regroup and reconsider.
I've just been on the phone to my sister...at 1 in the morning! Luckily she was awake. I don't know how I feel. Sad but not in tears. Numb. Almost vindicated in a way. That I was probably right to separate from him...I don't know this man. He's not a great dad and wasn't a good husband to me for so long.
My sister said at least I'm getting counselling and will be fixing myself...he'll still have the same problems and won't be able to communicate with OW.
She said the same as you, don't enter into any dialogue with him. Ignore him. He won't answer my text and I will take that as confirmation.
I deserve to be treated better than this. He can live how he pleases. But I will not be wasting another year waiting for him.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
I still haven't been able to sleep for 48 hours, but think I will fall asleep soon...as soon as I turn off my laptop!
I've had a miserable day. I think the last few months have finally caught up with me and I'm letting it go. I hope I will do just that and let it all go.
I've got wonderful children, they really are lovely people and we care about one another. I feel sorry for my H that he just doesn't get to be part of that. He'll never have them feel that real easy give and take love that we have in our house. Because he moves through life without living it. It's sad for him and sad for them. My eldest has always felt the disconnection, has overlooked it from time to time, sometimes got angry and resented his dad but always knows what his dad is.
Now I've noticed my middle son feeling the same way. He has made comments that his dad never contacts him but only his sister. That they only ever talk whilst at a football match and then its of nothing of significance. And they never know his plans, when he's going to turn up...if he's going to turn up. They're not little kids anymore...but they still need a dad that they can connect to.
I'm going to bed feeling that I just can't change whats happening. But I can make tomorrow better, have a better attitude and focus on my future and my children's future and lives. I get to talk to my children everyday, and connect with my daughter most days whilst she's at Uni. I get to hear their jokes, laughter, feel their pain and comfort them and they get to do the same with me. With us its easy (we do argue sometimes!) and I feel proud I can say that.
Ive finally dropped the rope, I can't make my H be a more engaged and connected dad or H. He will have to work this one out for himself.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
You must get sleep, it's the fastest way to get properly detached. I suggest Remeron (aka Mirtazipine) as it is a tetra-cyclic antidepressant that is fantastic for sleep repair. IT does cause increase in appetite but if you watch what you eat you'll be fine. It's much safer than Ambien as well as benzodiazepines as it is not habit forming and does not cause withdrawals.
What do you do to make yourself feel better? Do you have a lot of friends (or a few) that you can go hang out with? What hobbies do you partake of? Tell us more about YOU. You're the important one here, not your walk-away husband.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Thank you PsySara for the med recommendation. I see my Dr on Thursday, on another issue so I will bring it up. I'm hoping sleep will improve now that I am fighting off this flu...and I know where I stand now that my H is seeing OW.
I have lots of friends but I don't see many of them and don't hang out as such. I'm seeing a friend tomorrow for tea and a chat at a coffee shop. My other two close friends aren't so close anymore as they have busy lives...I didn't want to burden them with my latest round of problems, they know whats happening and they've not offered support, so I will leave it at that for now. They were an enormous support the first time round, nine years ago but maybe I'm just embarrassed to be going through this again.
I walk my dog for two hours in the morning and have made lots of 'friends' there. We chat and laugh but as yet no social connections outside of walking the dogs have been struck up. I know I can talk to people and can make friends. I think because my business is from home I've become quite isolated in a way. My H worked all week away and at weekends I reserved time for him.
I've searched out for a few meet up groups near me and will join a couple of other groups I'm interested in. I used to do a yoga class but stopped a year ago. Maybe time to do that again. I see my IC, whose starting personal training exercises with me in the new year. She's a really lovely lady and we get along well.
I'm having a bad few days. I wish my son had kept his information about seeing a heart text on my H phone to himself, BUT it's best I know. I had the chance to talk with my sons and for that I'm grateful. My heart has changed, whereas before I felt deep down H would have an epiphany and realise I was worth making changes for, I now know that THAT simply won't happen. He's closed his heart to me, I don't register in his life. I'm just someone that bore him children.
Yes I sound sorry for myself, today was the first day in months that I allowed myself that deep cry that's loud and sorrowful. My H had arrived to pick the children up to take them shopping, he didn't get out of the car and he didn't come to see if I was okay with the flu, the snow, Christmas etc. Deep down I thought he'd come and see if I was handling things.
I do not register in his life anymore. I made a huge error in his eyes. I tried to fight for my needs but I went about it in the wrong way. I reached breaking point, I was trying in a very naive and hurtful way to get him to acknowledge my pain. By asking to separate to get him to open his eyes, all I did was damage any chance we had of repairing our marriage...because I know he won't forgive me. And at the moment I don't forgive myself.
Its that simple. I'm finding it hard to like myself right now. This will pass.
The children return home later, and I will paste a smile on and ask about their shopping trip. And the treadmill that is my life will resume for now. Yes, it's a treadmill because I make it so...only I can liven it up and GAL. And I will.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Hi Caz, I'm so sorry to hear your latest news. So basically your husband sends you emotionless robotic texts but has no problem carrying on a relationship with someone else that sends him emoji and heart texts? That's just so awful. It sounds like he's back in England but if not, if I were you, I'd probably do something crazy like show up on his doorstep in the country where he works with divorce papers ready for him to sign.
It seems better you found out this information so you have what you need to grieve and move on. Not that you can just move on. That could take months or years, but it brings some kind of closure to a situation where you've already tried everything.
Maybe this is totally the wrong advice, but I feel like you could benefit from having a male friend with whom to go to dinner or a movie sometimes. You don't need to be dating, but there must be a man in your same situation in your area who would appreciate some company. Maybe you don't want to date or get re-married any time soon, but your closest female friends sound busy and they're probably in stable marriages so it's hard for them to relate.
I don't know. All of this is so unfair. I'm so disappointed in humans' capacity to do these things without any regard for anyone else. And who are these women and men having affairs with our spouses without any morals or caring that their affair partner is married? How can so this be so common? I just feel so sad that we live in a world where the people we should love and trust the most abandon us and don't even care.
My situation is no better than yours. I can only say that I know the feelings of being so alone, not knowing what the future holds, not knowing how to replace the void. It doesn't seem like going out dancing and going to the gym alone can fix the breakup of a family or the end of a long marriage. There has to be a deeper change, a deeper acceptance of this whole affair phenomenon and of the fact that we have so little control over the actions of the person who promised to love us forever. I hope you can find a way to divorce your husband and start over. It can't get much worse than it is now!
Hi Nicole, how are you? I was thinking about you today and was going to check in.
I think you make some great points. I'm definitely not ready to date...I don't know how these people move on so quickly! But yes some male company would be so comforting right now. If I knew a man in my situation I'd love that idea. Company without strings.
The other night I yearned for a cuddle and then out of the blue both my sons gave me a hug at different times. It was sweet, unexpected and showed me I'm loved regardless of my H.
Today has been tough. It's knowing my H is in the country and my expectations rise and become dashed and I get anxious and am at a loss. More needs to be done on detachment I think!
Anyway I realised I can't go on this way. I can't avoid my H and be avoided by him. I think he avoids me because he's totally unsure of my reaction. And I avoid him because I'm unsure of my own reactions to his not saying anything. It's a vicious circle and needs breaking. So I've made the first move...rightly or wrongly.
I text him earlier this evening and asked him if he'd like to meet up Saturday and talk. I did say I was sorry that I hurt him, separating the way we did. But I needed this time for counselling to help me get past the last few years. That I needed lots more sessions but they were helping me and helping put things into perspective. Maybe stupidly I ended it with a X
He text back saying he was sure we both didn't intend to hurt one another...that he didn't intend to hurt me. And yes he wanted to meet up and talk before Christmas. He ended the text with a X also.
So, my plan is to meet him away from the house as I don't want the children knowing we are meeting. Complicates matters too much. One of the reasons I'm doing this is because the children find being around both of us awkward. They don't like it and it's just not healthy for any of us. I need to get to a place where we can be in the same room without feeling insane amounts of tension and emotion.
I'm going to dress nice...not too try hard but looking good. I'm going to literally talk about the children, a matter that has arisen about my sons driving test, money issues, Christmas, ask about his work and keep it short but light. I really don't want to talk about R or anything intimate...unless he instigates it but thats very much doubtful.
I'm going to be seeing my IC on Wednesday and we will talk through how I should get myself prepared for this meeting, how to limit my expectations and to end the meeting on a high note and not a sour one.
And you're right Nicole...it certainly can't get much worse than now. But I can get myself into a better headspace starting from tomorrow...I just need to temper my expectations and learn to not just act cool and but to become cool. Its doable...I can do this!
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
So I received a text yesterday from H...I will be over in a bit....I have some gifts to drop off for you
I relied 'would you like to meet in the supermarket car park, so I don't have to explain to the children whats happening'
He basically replied that he wasn't expecting to meet outside of the house. That he didn't want to meet me alone. He was sorry but he'd been doing a lot of thinking as our 25th Anniversary approached and his feelings haven't changed...he didn't want to meet up with us both on different pages.
I replied that it wasn't necessary to meet up then. I also said I hadn't wanted to discuss us, but money matters and the children.
After I had a conversation with my sister and my counsellor...who thinks his text was cruel as a few days ago he'd agreed to meet up and 'talk'...doesn't that imply actually talking???
I wonder if he'd gone away and got scared I'd throw myself at him in an emotional rant.
Anyway, I sent a text with the money requests, and other stuff that I needed to ask him regarding the house, my son and a shop lease. He replied at length to this text and was very amenable to helping me out etc. I ended it by wishing him a good day with the children Christmas Eve and he replied again saying he had gifts for me and to have a good Christmas Eve and Day.
So this morning he arrives to pick up the children and I made myself scarce...why would I hang around for a man that I've known 30 years who doesn't want to be alone with me. When I returned there was a bag of presents for me all beautifully wrapped. I opened them because I do not want that tension and hurt to be there when the children open their gifts on Christmas Day. He went to my favourite shop and had bought some of my favourite things...including a plate that had a painting that looked like our dog that passed away in 2016. Plus a candle, mug and Cashmere scarf, gloves and sweater...around £200 in all (he left the labels on!)
I don't think I can look at these things without feeling sick. I know I'm supposed to be concentrating on my life and GAL, but right now I feel defeated, lost and discarded. Everything just feels so hard. All the supreme strength it takes to be upbeat and not emotional is draining, and just doesn't feel authentic. How can some people be so emotionally detached? I want to be that person. I need to be that person. I'm having a crying session right now but I will dust myself off and go bake some goodies for tomorrow. My children are my blessings, they heal some of this pain...and I try very very hard to keep upbeat for them. I do not lean on them for support but they support me without realising. My eldest is a night owl and kept me company till 4am watching Netflix. I know I'm lucky and this is what keeps me going.
I hope you can all try and have a lovely and peaceful day on Christmas Day. Best wishes for the New Year.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
If it's any consolation I spent the whole day crying. I'm so sorry to hear your husband couldn't just meet you. It sounds like he knows he's guilty and doesn't want to face you. That's so hard though to spend the day before Christmas, and Christmas, without the man that you've spend more than half of your life with. It's kind of strange that he bought you all those nice gifts when there's evidence he's with another woman. It sounds like he cares for you on some level. It's good that he also agreed to help with everything you asked him by text.
So what's next? Will you keep going the way things are now and leave your husband to do his own thing? Or will you file for divorce?
It's such a terrible feeling to feel lost and discarded. I can't imagine a worse feeling than that. I feel the exact same way with my husband. I cried so much today I lost my voice and my eyes are bright pink. Even at church I kept crying. I agree that it's draining to act upbeat when that's not how you feel inside. Sometimes it's impossible.
I noticed that your info at the bottom of your posts says you were separated from your husband in 2009. What happened back then? And how did the reconciliation happen?
I hope you make it through Christmas day and then maybe after the holidays life will seem a bit more normal. Take care. I wish there was a way to know you on facebook or in real life to be of more support!
I hope with all my heart you're feeling better today. I've been where you are, those days of crying non stop are so hard. You feel like your chest is going to squeeze you to death and it's panicky. I do cry now, I've had moments where it feels this way, but it's getting less and less as I realise, I deserve better and It's not my fault my H can't feel or act the way a H should. Yes I probably and did contribute to that but a lot of it he needs to own. He won't because he never admits when he's made a mistake or if he's in the wrong.
H has wronged me. I take this and I use it to prod myself when I feel like I miss him so much. But do I miss him...or do I miss what could have been. I see my counsellor on Wednesday and that should help.
We separated years ago because of his inability to connect and my inability to realise I could have done more to change the marriage from within. We were in a vicious cycle...it imploded. I had an EA for 10 weeks and H lived with another woman for 18 months (or more, I never got the details from him)I believe he had been seeing her months before I asked to separate and met OM. At that time he was still returning to the house on the weekends...he could see my changes and we eventually reconnected. I had long ago stopped asking for him to come back, I showed I was stronger. He knew I wanted the marriage to work...but I stopped asking. And I stopped blaming myself (I was tortured with guilt...remorse? I was so remorseful, ashamed of myself), and began enjoying my life again. And he felt less pressure...he stopped living with his OW and came back to the marriage. But it wasn't fixed, because he wouldn't allow us to talk about what happened. I showed remorse, H didn't. And that ate away at me for far too long.
Our relationship improved so much...but I needed reassurances and I think I pushed H away emotionally and he in turn wouldn't give me what I needed. I wish so badly I had got IC counselling at that time, I believe we wouldn't be here again.
So I take some of the blame, but not all. I can't change how he deals with emotion. How he disconnects. Thats on him. But I love him and miss him and feel so alone even with my wonderful children. I feel anxious, but it's sinking in...this is my reality...I need to embrace this change and make good things happen for me.
My marriage is over. I won't be filing for divorce, Im going to concentrate on me and my children and my life. It's hard but life will improve, just be a different life than the one I've known. It's just bizarre...this love that I feel is so much stronger (it's always been there...I never once stopped loving my H, even when I disconnected from him) now that I know he doesn't want me anymore. I can't believe he doesn't feel it too. I know he still loves me...but it's not strong enough to turn him around. H is a stoic being, he doesn't let his emotions get the better of him. But what I was getting at is...it plays into the DB thing...just a thought for you and your situation. Let H believe you no longer want or need him...he may feel that loss.
Try and have a good day, I know everything feels bleak right now. Time will help and moving forward helps with that too.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
My H bought me some lovely gifts for Christmas...do I text a thank you or wait for him to text me? I gave him a Christmas (handmade) Stocking filled with edible things he likes. Not extravagant but thoughtful. His gifts were thoughtful and extravagant.
Bearing in mind he refused to meet up alone with me Saturday. Which hurt tremendously.
So be the bigger person... a one off text thank you for gifts. Or wait?
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
I don't see DB as letting the other see you don't want them, on the contrary.
It's working on you to become a better partner and the reason for that is wanting a new better R from the stance of being the person only a fool would leave.
Pretending you don't want R is a game, an unpleasant one. Being ok if a new R comes and being ok if it doesn't (detaching from the outcome) is very different. It's strong and positive.
You want R? You want to resolve this? Then I think it has to be work on you to do that. Permanent shift! Permanent.....
That's the most important thing of all.
Not change which can drift back, but shift which drives you forward.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yes maybe I worded that wrongly, but I do believe if you let them feel they are no longer your top priority, it takes the pressure off them and they may begin to relax. That is what I feel Nicole should be doing. Concentrating on herself and her daughter, then maybe she will be able to detach.
And I certainly don't see it as a game. You detach to the point that yes, you may still love them but you know you'll be absolutely fine whether they return or not. You detach so that they know their treatment of you is no longer needed or wanted...
A few months ago I did tell my H I still loved him...it sent him running. Last week I apologised for how our marriage ended, I was and am sorry I hurt him but I couldn't see any other avenue to go down. Maybe if I'd been getting counselling I would have done it better. Anyway, it yet again put him off. It was pursuit in his eyes.
He knows where I stand. How I feel. But I will no longer tell him or engage him in any R conversation at all. But I don't ever get to see him or talk to him. I can't see how he will ever see my changes...how will he see I'm a person only a fool will leave.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
It seems as simple as there's no one else to fill the void at the moment. Your husband had a special place and role in your life for over two decades. Even with his imperfections he was a source of stability and you two raised three kids together. It's not easy to detach from that. Can you expedite a vacation for yourself to any place? A change of scenery might be a good way to cope right now. I live in the Sunshine State (at least for the next few months). If you happen to come here I could show you around. I had a massage today with a lady from the UK by the way!
Sorry I've not replied in a while...I've been up and down, feeling low and trying hard to put it away for the children's sake. They've noticed I'm low...we spent hours yesterday playing board games and having so much fun.
I'm fighting off depression, I really don't want to go down that road and I know I can beat this if I can drag myself up from this latest bout of insecurity and sadness. It's a mindset, and I need to reach some inner happiness.
I don't understand my H, I probably never will as he refuses to let emotion get the better of him. I think that's a sad state for anyone to live by. But that is his cross to bear. I don't want him upset and feeling the way I do...but nothing seems to penetrate him and his emotions. Not even our children.
He spent one day with them over Christmas...yes they had a great day, but wow...I'm shocked he returned to work the day after Christmas (we call it Boxing Day) and won't return to see them until next Thursday. I know he's busy but that never happened in the past. He aways took a week to two weeks off work at Christmas. Maybe he is more affected by this than I credit him for...or he's now finally free to work and sleep with whomever he chooses.
Truth be told...I will never know.
I would love to take a holiday break, but its just not on the cards for me at the moment. I will have to save my money. But I will keep your offer in mind, thank you so much.
I hope you're well and had a lovely time with your daughter.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
He's back in the country on Thursday and even now I feel the anxiety building. My anxiety comes from the years of being ignored and this situation just highlights that.
I see my IC tomorrow to work on things I can be doing for me, for GAL etc. We aren't going to be focusing on him any longer...unless I need that.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
I think the holidays are depressing for a lot of us. Maybe your husband returned quickly to spend time with the woman he's dating....who knows.
I saw a functional medicine practitioner today who knows about my husband and she believes my husband feels guilt. I don't think he does, but she said his hostility is a sign of guilt. Perhaps your husband avoiding you is a way of avoiding dealing with his guilt as well.
It's easy to be depressed when you reach the point where you give up on saving the marriage. Up until this point there's always some hope or something else you can try. Once you believe in your heart that the marriage is done it's like grieving someone who died. It's so hard.
I'm depressed and one of my friends who has been especially caring started sending me messages non-stop about positivity. We do need to be positive and for myself I do believe in a year I'll likely be in a better place than now, but right now the pain runs too deep to just think happy thoughts and the problem is fixed. I'm sure you feel that way too. It's good your kids are supporting you. Do they know everything that's going on?
I hope now that the holidays are over and everyone is back to their normal routine it'll be easier to function.
It's easy to feel isolated in times like these. There must be a separated and divorced support group in your area somewhere. I keep trying to find an active one in my city but haven't found one yet. I don't even know how I'll make it to one with my daughter to care for but I'd like to find one.
I hope this part of your life passes quickly. Perhaps you'll meet a new man someday and will want to perfect yourself as much as possible in the meantime to be ready for a happy new relationship where you're treated like a queen with lots of love and affection!
Hi Nicole, nice to hear from you. I hope you're okay?
My H doesn't show if he feels guilt or not. He does have some give-aways but if he feels guilt now I'll never see it. I do think him not being able to talk to me or be alone with me has more to do with him than me. I'm not a hard or cold person to deal with, so if he can't be around me, then thats on him.
I'm flat, numb and then I'll have moments of crying. But it's not all encompassing like it was in the past. I just feel low. I have really good times and have fun. But it's always there in the back of my mind.
Yes my children know everything and as far as they're concerned we are separated and if he wishes to date he can. It hurts that they don't see us getting back together, but I'm also thankful that they aren't unhappy or in pain about the way things have gone. They know I have moments of pain and sorrow, but our house isn't a sad place...we have lots of fun here.
I agree with you on the pain being too deep to shrug it off. My MIL sent me a Happy New Year text and said 'we must put what happened behind us'! I said I appreciate what's she's saying but no...I'm not ready to put his treatment of me behind me yet...the hurt is too raw right now. I see where he gets his not dwelling on emotional pain from. I don't want to feel resentment, but it's hard not to when a man I've known for 30 years has pretty much abandoned us, abandoned this wreck of a house and everything else.
But you're right, I'm grieving a marriage that wasn't good and I know I did so much and tried hard to fix it. I suggested a marriage retreat, dating again, endless pleas for better communication but he just wasn't 'getting it'. He was too busy being busy...but I guess not too busy to date or find someone else.
At the end of the day, my H wanted to live life the way he wanted to live it and expected me to follow without having my needs met. And when I 'complained' he saw that as a good enough reason to find someone else. It hurts...a lot. But it also makes me feel stronger in a way. Because I fought for us...he didn't. I learnt from our mistakes and once again he's repeating the same old pattern. That's not to say I did everything right...there's so much I could have done differently, but I tried.
It's lovely you have a good friend to send you messages of support and positive vibes. I kind of do that myself, whenever I feel low, I think of the good things I have in my life.
Sometimes I think of him and I really don't know why I want him to return. I think a lot of it is, I really need him to apologise and to accept his part in the break down of our marriage. If he ever does it will be begrudging and defensive. And he'll call on that old chestnut...'we grew apart'...we didn't, he allowed this to happen and although I will take part of the blame, I won't accept the 'we grew apart' platitude he'll dish out to take the sting out of his actions.
Life stinks right now, but it's not all bad. I'm getting counselling, something I should've done many years ago, I have wonderful children, a roof over my head, and bills paid. I'm looking into opening retail space and going into business with my son which although scary, is very exciting. It was something I put off for many years because I didn't want it overlapping on any free time I could get with my H, but that was a mistake...
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
H made plans to take my children out today...only he didn't contact my eldest, whose available. My son is hurt, he says he's not but he is as he projecting onto me.
My H probably thought the other two would give him the details but he's yet to learn after 23 years of raising (I use that term with irony) children, that they don't like to be overlooked, ignored, lumped together etc.
He also does this repeatedly with my eldest. They have a tenuous relationship at best...you'd think my H would try to nurture it. But I know firsthand, when the going gets tough, this coward ducks, dives, avoids and ignores.
I'm not getting involved, but it hurts to see my son hurting.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Caz, my tolerance is very low right now for children being hurt by their parents. I'm so sorry to hear about your eldest. I guess you and your eldest need to lean on each other. I wish someday your husband would repent for his actions.
I hope you're feeling stronger today. It's been a traumatic few hours for you and I'm so sorry. I'm here for you x
Well, my H entered my house via the the back door, went to the bathroom then came into the lounge and kissed me on the head and wished me 'A happy New Year' He then left with my son to watch a football match.
Errr, what?
Confused but not reading too much into this. I just wish my house was tidier and I looked a million dollars lol...urgh, I don't care really...I am who I am...
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
