Hi I've been reading for such a long time I have gotten real comfort from seeing and reading your stories.
I've been married nearly 25 years, known my H for 30 years. 3 grown children, 18, 20, 23. My H has been a difficult communicator ever since I've known him. We've suffered a termination when I was 19, several miscarriages and I miscarried twins at 12 weeks. I needed comfort, he offered tea and a pat on the shoulder. When my youngest was two my H began working away during the week and returned at the weekend. This continued until the present day. 2009 he became so distant, or we became so distant I noticed he came home opened up his laptop and began tapping away. He never called me whilst away, we didn't spend time together when he was home. I became so down but didn't realise I was suffering from depression. There were signs he was cheating but I didn't fully confront him. Then I met someone, really liked how he listened to me and I told my H that we needed to separate. I'd only known this person for 2 weeks but it highlighted just how sad and unhappy I was in my marriage. This was an EA, but I realised and knew wholeheartedly how wrong it was. It lasted 8 weeks, I went from feeling valued and validated to feeling like the biggest and worst lowlife of all time. I spent a year pleading and throwing myself at my H, to backing off and doing the DB. Two weeks after we separated my H moved in with another woman...but I didn't know this until 2015. We did get back together one year later. I did everything to prove to my husband how sorry I was. Sexually and emotionally. We continued for a few years and in 2015 the woman my H had a relationship with started to follow me via twitter. I contacted her and I said if you want my H I can give you his number, She then went on to say she didn't need his number, they'd been seeing each other for 6 years. My H took 2 days to get back home, proceeded to say he'd lived with her for a year in Belgium. After a few months he then said it was 18 months. I've no idea what the truth is. I got no sorry's. In fact my H says he doesn't believe in sorry's. My H doesn't do emotion, he stares at me as if I've lost my mind. We don't talk about the future, common goals, and he has refused to wear a wedding ring for the last 8 years. When I ask he just stares or says I don't know. He refuses to stop working away all week. Our house is falling apart and I've never got any help fixing it up. But he's very generous money wise, pays for everything especially at the weekend. But I'm so sick and tired f being a weekend wife. I'm lonely and very very tired. 3 months ago for many reasons I lost it, I told my H that was it, I couldn't take any more. He stayed away at the weekends and picks the kids up for football or other stuff. His relationship with our eldest isn't great. He just can't seem to talk to them.
So although I was the one who called for time out, it was a scream for help. I don't want to be divorced but I need a better marriage and I can't seem to get through to him. I'm seeing an IC. I go up and down with the DB but tonight I've made a major mistake and texted a stupid purge that he will run a mile from. I'm completely lost on how to deal with a man who doesn't seem to care about anything unless he wants to. Any and lots of help needed.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
in 2015 the woman my H had a relationship with started to follow me via twitter. I contacted her and I said if you want my H I can give you his number, She then went on to say she didn't need his number, they'd been seeing each other for 6 years. My H took 2 days to get back home, proceeded to say he'd lived with her for a year in Belgium. After a few months he then said it was 18 months. I've no idea what the truth is.
Yes you do. The truth is he had a relationship with this woman for 6 years. Odds are he's still having a relationship with her - have you checked with her? He's lying to you and you know it.
As for saving the marriage - do you know WHY you want to save it? From what you've told us, he's been an absentee partner your whole marriage almost. I'd be willing to bet there were other affairs in the past. And when you begged and grovelled for a year for him to take you back - he KNEW THE WHOLE TIME that HE was a cheater and yet he let you go through that.
It doesn't seem like he's made any sincere effort to repair the relationship. AS long as you pursue him, he won't. If you move forward with your life, he MIGHT - or he might not. Sometimes when they realize they're about to lose you, they snap out of it. But I'd place those odds lower with your H, as it seems he checked out of this marriage decades ago.
I'm not suggesting you go out and date. In fact, I recommend against that until you're well out of the relationship, if that's where it ends up. But I DO recommend you start going out and getting a life, doing fun things with friends, take up new exciting hobbies, be a little mysterious. Let him WONDER if you're moving on without him. And live your life for YOU. Figure out what dreams you've put on hold because of him and child-rearing and pursue them.
Right now he has never really had to feel the loss of your companionship. Let him feel that loss. Create a new and exciting life for yourself, aligned with YOUR values. IF he's capable of recognizing your value, he'll work to become a man worthy of joining you on this new adventure. If he's NOT capable, you'll be that much further along in your new life and that much closer to a new relationship with someone who truly values you.
Well, I know the relationship isn't still going on, she's with another man and they seem very happy and settled. I don't think it went on for 6 years only because he was in Germany and she was in another job in the uk and he did spend every weekend back with us. I have considered asking her but the last contact we had she was a little unhinged and threatened me.
But you make some VERY valid points and ones I've considered myself. It's one thing knowing it and another hearing it from others. Yes I did 'grovel'. It's this very thing that ate away at me for many years. And then not allowing me a voice. He wouldn't discuss anything or let me question his relationship with her by saying we're moving on.
I've tried GAL, it has little to no effect on him, it even makes him happy I think that I'm moving on. But it helps me. It's when I allow him back into my head I become undone. He came back this weekend and stood in my house and ignored me, didn't ask how I was and it set me back and that's why I'm here. I felt totally lost all over again, but that's down to me. I need to develop a thicker skin.
He's a man with very little emotion. He knows this and knows he needs to make more of an effort with the children and yet he's like a robot whose default is work.
But you're right, I need to start thinking about me, what I want and my needs. It's just extremely hard for me right now but I will get back to feeling stronger...I think I've hit a three month wall or something.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
That sounds like a long, dark, difficult time in your life. I can relate because my husband had an affair and is also working all the time. It's good that your kids are older so whatever happens now will have slightly less impact on them. Technically you've already been living on your own without the love and support from a husband you've wished for since your husband hasn't reciprocated in so long. Your life won't be so different if you get divorced except you'd be free to meet a new man. I'm still figuring things out myself so I'm not sure there's much I can suggest except that it's just so hard to engage someone who doesn't care about you. Your choices are somewhat limited if he's not communicating. Maybe you really need to take a radical approach and prepare yourself for separation and divorce and follow-through and then you'll see if he has a change of heart. Otherwise this has gone on for so long that nothing may change any time soon. One would wonder why your husband isn't the one to request a divorce, or tell you himself he wants to leave, if he has no interest in working on the marriage? That doesn't seem fair. I hope you can share what's holding you back from freeing yourself from this marriage. I myself would like to know since I'm in a similar position!
Thank you so much Nicole, I've been reading your story but I will go back and revisit.
I'm sorry you're in this position too, it's a hard and lonely road.
I think my H was happy with the status quo. He liked having the freedom during the week to work all hours then return here to be with the family at weekends. He enjoyed the weekends and although he didn't do anything around the house repairs, garden or such, he did always cook Sunday lunch.
I just always felt it was a pitstop, that I was a burden, the nag who wanted more and better communication. And the guilt I feel for speaking my mind or asking for what I want is tremendous. I always feel like I'm asking for too much and yet all I've ever asked for is more contact during the week, for my H to show he cares because I know he loves us and me included. Well I did but I'm not so sure anymore.
We had a period of being very loving towards each other but it was at the expense of me clearing up the past. He wouldn't allow us to talk about it without getting defensive, shutting down etc. Shutting down is his go to mechanism.
I'm not without my faults. I'm looking into this. Just when things may look like they're improving I seem to sabotage it with needing more too quickly because I feel so frustrated. I'm impatient. To be honest I really don't know what a normal marriage feels like...if there is a normal?! And maybe I don't know how to be a wife right now.
I think I'm going to take a huge step back but I need to stop making calamitous mistakes like sending texts that will make him baulk even more. I can go for weeks being strong and then boom, something happens and I send needy stupid texts. I'm a fool to myself.
As to whats holding me back, I actually do love him. I get so far like this recent separation and I have regrets. I don't regret making a stand this time, but a huge part of me wishes I could've done something within the marriage to improve it. But my own stubborn resentments got in the way. Although I talked and asked H for a better marriage, maybe I should've actioned for a better marriage.
I don't know, I feel lost right now.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
I've read the book twice. And I will read the links. I've read some of them in the past but I will go through them again tonight.
I feel like I've been DB for many years but I've recently begun to see an IC and have had 5 sessions. I think I need to work on myself before I can sort my relationship with my H out marriage or divorce. But it doesn't stop the hurt from taking over.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks Jim, I'm thankful for all replies and advice.
I intend to follow any advice that will help me feel better about myself and my situation.
I got a reply from my H regarding my 'slip' of a text(s) yesterday. Once I'd slept (not much sleep at all) on the purge of texts last night, I emailed an apology this morning. In my mind it was my last correspondence with him and decided to lay my cards on the table. It was a frank and honest email, no begging, no excuses etc
His reply was equally honest in that he said he really appreciated the email, my honesty and that tonight when he gets home from work he will reread it and digest what I've said.
I simply replied thank you. And now I will leave the ball in his court, get more of a life and concentrate on fixing up my house and my business.
This board has been my late night saviour for many years on and off, and I really appreciate the awesome time and support everyone has for each other.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
