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Holding #2768172 11/14/17 09:11 AM
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GW,

Just get the process started now. Your W needs to know what it feels like to lose the holidays with family.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
Holding #2768173 11/14/17 09:13 AM
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gw5263 Offline OP
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I honestly don’t know. I thought my boundary was the no contact at the house. Guess I still have a lot to learn. I don’t want her contacting him in my house tho. What can I do about that? The hurt that it causes me? No idea what to do about it. I don’t want my kids exposed to it. I don’t want them to walk in on a sex show. I have told her I can’t stop her from contacting him outside the home but did not want her to contact him from the home. I felt like it is direspectful. She only does it when I’m not around. What do I do?


M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
gw5263 #2768208 11/14/17 03:19 PM
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Quote:
I’m nondoctor, but from what I’ve read it almost sounds like a MLC. She is 47 years old so I guess it’s possible


Why MLC? Just b/c she is 47? Women don't have a MLC just b/c she's in her late 40's. I have told you all alone that she is wayward. And now you are seeing just how low she has stooped......so you tell yourself it must be a
MLC? Perhaps that's the only way you can deal with it.

The reason I even bring it up is b/c I think you are an example of a lot of people who move over to the MLC forum. They simply can't believe their S could do the things they do unless it's MLC. Nobody can get lower than a wayward. Nobody can be colder, turn their back on their kids, be as cruel, manipulative, challenging, dramatic, angry, sense of entitlement, and selfish to their core.......like a wayward.

I have also seen many LBH's move to MCL forum b/c they felt that they wouldn't have to apply tough love if the W was in MLC. Tough love, for some people, means enforcing boundaries.

What your W has been doing is not at all uncommon for a WW. Everything about her waywardness is disgusting and disrespectful.

Do what you need to do, but please.......don't lie to yourself about her.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
gw5263 #2768209 11/14/17 03:19 PM
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You can’t control her you can only control you. You have options. Here are three: (1) ignore the behavior/wait it out and hope it stops, (2) confront her and constantly call her out on it which may drive her to move out and in with OM and/or file for d, or (3) you can decide you will not be in a relationship with a woman who is in a relationship with another man and file for d.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2768224 11/15/17 01:14 AM
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gw5263 Offline OP
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Sandi, I agree with you again. I am at a really low point right now and I guess I’m grasping at straws to explain every little new detail that tears it’s ugly head. To be completely honest, I think I’m looking for any reason not to file for the D. I know deep down that this is what must be done. Just trying in my mind to justify not doing it. Before I came to the board she put me through a month of mental hell just so I’d lay down and not make waves until she could fly down and play house. Then all the threats of taking the kids and making me a summer dad. I allowed myself to be played and manipulatednlike a fool. I have done 180s and tried to GAL the best I could given my work schedule and this in house separation. You were absolutely correct early on when you said in house was a living hell. It truly is. Had I known better I would have stayed out and let her flounder, but her ruthless self knew to play the kid card. I’m quickly reaching a point where none of this matters anymore. I used to try and get home as soon as I got off hoping it would stop contact, or that my mere presence would make a difference since he’s so far away. I read and re read into every subtle clue I saw, real or imagined , looking for hope where none truly existed. And she always knew just what to say to push that dagger farther in. I asked for advice, agreed with it, and did the exact opposite because I let emotion get in my way and cloud my judgement. And yes, a medical explanation for allnthis mess would be easier to accept than the truth, but thankfully I’m not that far gone yet. You are correct, it is what is is. She is a wayward, a truly ruthless self centered all about her to hell with the rest wayward. She actually showed what she is in a post—-“the woman you are becoming will cost you people, places, material things, spaces, and relationships. Choose her over everything” . So you are right , I was and to a point still am weak. If I have a shred of care left I need to go back to the post I did a couple of weeks ago and look at what that angry fed up me said and follow thru or just throw in the towel and move on. Enough wallowing and justifying. This whole thing has exhausted me mentally and has exacted a high price on my life. I’m letting go and moving on with me. She can figure her out. If it works out it works out. I can’t push this car uphill anymore. I will continue to 180 and work harder to GAL, but I think right now that filing will have a big impact on everything and it’s time... may not have to follow thru with it but it’s time. I’m sorry I’m all over the place and have wasted so much time and energy, most of all I’m sorry to have gotten so much good advice and not heeded most of it.


M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
gw5263 #2768238 11/15/17 02:08 AM
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GW,

You dont have to be worry. You want to save your M and family. This is not an easy situation to deal with. You have gave a lot and did what you thought was right. Don't beat yourself up.

You will get your respect back. Find happiness, and it's out there. Believe it or not, from what I have read your W is still leaning on you.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
joejoe1 #2768332 11/15/17 11:52 AM
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I think one of the many problems I have is boundaries. I can quote chapter and verse on criminal law and departmental policies but I cannot for the life of me grasp the boundary concept. I have no idea which to set in my ditch or how to enforce them. Some have tried to explain it to me but my thick head cannot wrap around them. Can someone please try the coloring book version for me? I thought telling her no contact with OM in our home was a good one and the consequence of losing WiFi access was a good boundary but from what I see I was wrong . Can anyone help with this, please?


M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
gw5263 #2768341 11/15/17 12:56 PM
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GW, I had a hard time understanding boundaries at first. Maybe I can help.

A boundary is like a shield - it protects you from injury. It's not used like a sword against others. It also isn't a consequence.

The first step to setting boundaries is to identify actions from others that offend or hurt you. So if someone yells in your face, that hurts. Recognize the hurt. Then you can vocalize "I'm not going to let you yell at me". You're basically saying that you don't accept that behavior.

Next, there might be an action you take as a result of your boundary being violated. The action is for you only, not to control others in any way. You can't control others, but you can protect yourself from them.

Does that help at all?

So if the person continues to yell in your face, you can end the conversation. You can walk out of the room.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Holding #2768369 11/15/17 11:35 PM
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Gotcha. The problem I’m having right now, is that my wife isn’t exhibiting any of those type behaviors she doesn’t yell she doesn’t scream we don’t argue we get along just fine. Until there is any mention of the relationship which I try not to do. When there is relationship talk usually become as one side it quickly and it ends. I thought telling her that I wanted her to have no contact with him in our home while setting a boundary and I thought the consequence of taking away her Wi-Fi access was enforcement. I see what you’re talking about now, that seems to be a controlling behavior. I just don’t want her to contact him from inside of our home I can’t do anything when she’s outside but it just appeared to me like I could stop her from doing it inside. I can see where that would come off as a punishment


M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
gw5263 #2768372 11/16/17 01:37 AM
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You need a boundary for you that you can control and will enforce:

I will not be yelled at (end conversation).

I will not have sex with my w if she is in a R with OM (refuse all advances).

I will not stay married to my w if she is in a R with OM (file for d).


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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