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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...498#Post2763498

New thread with last 2 posts, to refresh memories/update

on an unrelated (back to MEEEE) topic

2 pieces of bad news yesterday

1) so h lives with Schmoopie. Same address and she has her kid(s?) so he has replaced me and our kids.

Like, semi officially I guess. It hurts. S31 says it "shouldn't hurt" but I corrected him on that and said "IT DOES HURT and I don't want to hear another comment about what I 'should'/should not' feel. I'm allowed to feel how I feel."

2) Worse...my fav bro, (the lawyer to whom h reached out), has cancer.

His Kidney is getting removed next week and they're exploring to see if the other kidney also needs removal or if it has spread elsewhere.

My Bro is the anchor for me. For all of us really. Yes he Always was my fav and - so what?

I just cannot imagine our family without him. He's my S31's Godfather, and for good reason.

He has 7 daughters, age 10 to 29. My SIL (his w) adores bro and she's a woman of substance, thank God. She will NOT bolt away.


Bro takes great care of himself too...so I'm pretty sure it bugs him a lot at some level.
He was an AF pilot so maybe fumes or fuels got to him?? See? The search for the "why" is endless, isn't it?

And nope, life is not fair for sure.

His attitude, (which sets the tone) is funny and stoic.

He told his girls "hey so far it's just an extra organ I didn't need anyhow, and if there's more trouble to it, if I need a transplant - I have lots of siblings wasting their extras...and besides, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

he also said Meanwhile, I DO expect a 'surprise' birthday party with way better gifts than last time..."

God, the thing that makes bro a "great man" is not that he wants to be seen as one.

It's that he wants to BE one just for the sake of being his best. Not sure if that makes sense but, he's a great man.

In closing, I'm hoping for prayers for my heart

but mostly for my brothers "other kidney" and the surgeries to come.

What a week.

((( )))
_

Last edited by Cadet; 02/16/18 09:20 AM. Reason: Link

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 13,511
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How on earth could your WH replace you and your children? No way. He has placed a cardboard cutout in place a stunningly wonderful and witty woman. You should know that narcissist care about presentation, how they "appear" more than how they really are. So he wants to play the part but not put in the work.
soon enough the shine will wear off and they will see the ugly truth.

As far as your brother goes, what an amazing man. How blessed you are to have someone this awesome in your life, how doubly blessed you share his blood. The Chinese have a belief that there is a red thread that connects people who love each other. The thread may stretch, tangle and get worn but it will never break. Ever. I wish I had deeper words but I have never been good at finding them at the right time. He sounds like a warrior.
_________________________
M 8yrs T 11yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
June 28 2016-start piecing
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
DD6, DS4, DS1

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#2767383 - Yesterday at 03:45 PM Re: 25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7 [Re: PsySara]
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thank you all for your support; it means more than you know.


OKAY my brother - I visited him and we will hope for the best. He is a GOOD man. Fought to get his kids AND not care about CS. Like he'd pay even if he got them all the time.

He threw himself into parenting the way he threw himself into being an AF pilot and then when he got injured flying, he became a very good lawyer. He's a second dad, btw. Raised his 3 step d's, btw. He's a guy who "steps up to the plate" in every way.

AND he is an involved interested DAD...and a loving romantic FUNNY, Husband. F- cancer. I know He will make it. I just know this - but yeah, it's a wake up call for sure.
Why are we waiting to hope someone who mistreated us to come back???

Carpe Diem, my friends, Carpe Diem!


On the OW and my h living together (for months, apparently) it makes me think he wants to settle with me so he can marry her. AND OR earn more $$ openly. Which is sleazy but leverage.

Objectiviely he's an idiot, but the rumors that men need women faster than the can possibly learn a thing from their first m, is just proved like this.

H is a walking talking posting cliche. And he Learned nothing from his mistakes. I think that is literally true. Makes the SAME exact errors. Fool.

I can (and damn it, I AM a woman only a fool would leave. And he's a fool. This OW is, I'm told, not much. She's not smart, she's sure as heck not funny (not like ME) and supposedly "they have nothing in common. Not a match made in heaven".

For THAT^^ he blew up our family??? Whatever.....NOT MY PROBLEM and btw, I say "thanks h, you did me a favor.

Yeah my EGO hurts but I have to believe it will not work out with "utter happiness after ever."

Yes I feel replaced but I know OW will never have our history or our children or our laughs or my smarts. Heard "he's up into her ass" and I don't even want to know what that means, but I was not a low sex drive woman. Oh the irony.

I'm not sure what that^^ means except their chemistry. We once had that too, and I still felt it for him (usually. NOT always). are He burped and he scratched his genitals (DOODLER< please no jokes Doodler) Thanks.

MY kids?? HOW?? Anyone with input on this, I'm open. What do I say when they tell me they have been replaced??

WHICH BRINGS ME TO DATING. UPDATE

Had an interesting talk with M tonight. (He knows about my brother w/cancer. M was helpful and kind.

As you know there are rules to dating in DC group AND M has to sell his home out of state. So he travels a lot.

But I am drawn to him and after a long hinting talk, I just asked him if he was ready to date. He is not - says it's the rules. THEN said he's interested however. AND said he would be by Jan 1.

So here is our plan, b/c we DO want to get to know each other.

FACTS:

1) We are both leaving LONG marriages.

2) And we want to keep our word to the group not to date, while group meets. (That's a rule or a lot of reasons)

So we thought we'd take a class together (dance lessons - ball room dancing) after DC group ends, about Jan 1.

Dance class is several weeks long and we will learn together. We will see how each one learns and teaches, how we will work together, how we will feel each other out. It requires a "date" a week, dinner after maybe.

After the (10 weeks?) is over we can choose where we want to go from there. Maybe we will just be better dancers and say good bye.

or maybe we will meet each other's families, and have a lot of chemistry to boot.

Maybe it'll be a strong relationship founded on a carefully built foundation.

My guess? It'll be a well founded r with a bubbling chemistry that develops over time and now and then, maybe before the dance classes end, it will spill over.

To me, this ^^ might be the best scenario I could have imagined.


At least IF/when my family meets him (IF) it'll be a "man I'm seeing" and not some guy they're seeing in a string of them.

Know what I mean? Are we being too careful? I would rather take it slow and build to a slow burning fire, than rush it and burn out, or end badly. I also love the learning together aspects.

We are both interested in getting to know each other, which we said out loud.

Neither of us is healed, but I believe that sometimes healing takes energy and activity IN OUR LIVES - to pushes out the other empty feelings. I'm not sure healing takes place while we sit in our living rooms.

And we want to keep our word to the Div Care group. (avoids group awkwardness among other things).


Make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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okay I did not do this right. Sorry for the confusion!

psySara was talking to me below



Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc


25 - How on earth could your WH replace you and your children? No way. He has placed a cardboard cutout in place a stunningly wonderful and witty woman. You should know that narcissist care about presentation, how they "appear" more than how they really are. So he wants to play the part but not put in the work.
soon enough the shine will wear off and they will see the ugly truth.

As far as your brother goes, what an amazing man. How blessed you are to have someone this awesome in your life, how doubly blessed you share his blood. The Chinese have a belief that there is a red thread that connects people who love each other. The thread may stretch, tangle and get worn but it will never break. Ever. I wish I had deeper words but I have never been good at finding them at the right time. He sounds like a warrior.
_________________________
M 8yrs T 11yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
June 28 2016-start piecing
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
DD6, DS4, DS1




THEN ME
thank you all for your support; it means more than you know.


OKAY my brother - I visited him and we will hope for the best. He is a GOOD man. Fought to get his kids AND not care about CS. Like he'd pay even if he got them all the time.

He threw himself into parenting the way he threw himself into being an AF pilot and then when he got injured flying, he became a very good lawyer. He's a second dad, btw. Raised his 3 step d's, btw. He's a guy who "steps up to the plate" in every way.

AND he is an involved interested DAD...and a loving romantic FUNNY, Husband. F- cancer. I know He will make it. I just know this - but yeah, it's a wake up call for sure.
Why are we waiting to hope someone who mistreated us to come back???

Carpe Diem, my friends, Carpe Diem!


On the OW and my h living together (for months, apparently) it makes me think he wants to settle with me so he can marry her. AND OR earn more $$ openly. Which is sleazy but leverage.

Objectiviely he's an idiot, but the rumors that men need women faster than the can possibly learn a thing from their first m, is just proved like this.

H is a walking talking posting cliche. And he Learned nothing from his mistakes. I think that is literally true. Makes the SAME exact errors. Fool.

I can (and damn it, I AM a woman only a fool would leave. And he's a fool. This OW is, I'm told, not much. She's not smart, she's sure as heck not funny (not like ME) and supposedly "they have nothing in common. Not a match made in heaven".

For THAT^^ he blew up our family??? Whatever.....NOT MY PROBLEM and btw, I say "thanks h, you did me a favor.

Yeah my EGO hurts but I have to believe it will not work out with "utter happiness after ever."

Yes I feel replaced but I know OW will never have our history or our children or our laughs or my smarts. Heard "he's up into her ass" and I don't even want to know what that means, but I was not a low sex drive woman. Oh the irony.

I'm not sure what that^^ means except their chemistry. We once had that too, and I still felt it for him (usually. NOT always). are He burped and he scratched his genitals (DOODLER< please no jokes Doodler) Thanks.

MY kids?? HOW?? Anyone with input on this, I'm open. What do I say when they tell me they have been replaced??

WHICH BRINGS ME TO DATING. UPDATE

Had an interesting talk with M tonight. (He knows about my brother w/cancer. M was helpful and kind.

As you know there are rules to dating in DC group AND M has to sell his home out of state. So he travels a lot.

But I am drawn to him and after a long hinting talk, I just asked him if he was ready to date. He is not - says it's the rules. THEN said he's interested however. AND said he would be by Jan 1.

So here is our plan, b/c we DO want to get to know each other.

FACTS:

1) We are both leaving LONG marriages.

2) And we want to keep our word to the group not to date, while group meets. (That's a rule or a lot of reasons)

So we thought we'd take a class together (dance lessons - ball room dancing) after DC group ends, about Jan 1.

Dance class is several weeks long and we will learn together. We will see how each one learns and teaches, how we will work together, how we will feel each other out. It requires a "date" a week, dinner after maybe.

After the (10 weeks?) is over we can choose where we want to go from there. Maybe we will just be better dancers and say good bye.

or maybe we will meet each other's families, and have a lot of chemistry to boot.

Maybe it'll be a strong relationship founded on a carefully built foundation.

My guess? It'll be a well founded r with a bubbling chemistry that develops over time and now and then, maybe before the dance classes end, it will spill over.

To me, this ^^ might be the best scenario I could have imagined.


At least IF/when my family meets him (IF) it'll be a "man I'm seeing" and not some guy they're seeing in a string of them.

Know what I mean? Are we being too careful? I would rather take it slow and build to a slow burning fire, than rush it and burn out, or end badly. I also love the learning together aspects.

We are both interested in getting to know each other, which we said out loud.

Neither of us is healed, but I believe that sometimes healing takes energy and activity IN OUR LIVES - to pushes out the other empty feelings. I'm not sure healing takes place while we sit in our living rooms.

And we want to keep our word to the Div Care group. (avoids group awkwardness among other things).


Make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I'm not sure what that^^ means except their chemistry. We once had that too, and I still felt it for him (usually. NOT always). are He burped and he scratched his genitals (DOODLER< please no jokes Doodler) Thanks.


I take my joking very seriously. I would never be so insensitive as to joke about belching and scratching genitals. You must think I'm nuts.

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Doodler, this is what I wrote, (below) and this is what I didn't feel like hearing a joke about b/c it's so very painful to me. Which you then made a joke about...



For THAT^^ he blew up our family??? Whatever.....

Yeah my EGO hurts but I have to believe it will not work out with "utter happiness after ever."

Yes I feel replaced but I know OW will never have our history or our children or our laughs or my smarts. Heard "he's up into her ass" and I don't even want to know what that means, but I was not a low sex drive woman. Oh the irony.

I'm not sure what that^^ means except their chemistry. We once had that too, and I still felt it for him (usually. NOT always). are He burped and he scratched his genitals (DOODLER< please no jokes Doodler) Thanks. We grew up together.

MY kids?? HOW?? Anyone with input on this, I'm open.

What do I say when they tell me they have been replaced??


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Doodler, this is what I wrote, (below) and this is what I didn't feel like hearing a joke about b/c it's so very painful to me. Which you then made a joke about...


25,

I'm so sorry! I have an attention issue so I normally only read the first few sentences of a given post, but I read all of that particular post. In addition, I seem to have poor impulse control, so when you asked me not to make a joke, well you know...

Last night I took my sons to a barbecue place called Dreamland. Over the restroom area they had a large red florescent sign that said "NO FARTING" (that's true). You can image how that turned out.

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I write and perform comedy as an avocation. I definitely have a gallows sense of humor that has helped me immensely.

But there are times it distracts me, or makes me feel unheard.

This week- I felt a gut punch from my h, yet again.

Another new discovery of longer term infidelity. Another unknown, that I now know.

Another fact that still makes my stomach drop.

And my closest dearest brother was diagnosed with cancer of his kidney(s). I'm sad and incredulous.

My brother has already made the kidney pie jokes, and he is setting the tone for how we are to handle this until we have more information. I'm getting tested to see if I'm a match IF he needs a transplant down the road.

My brother J, is a great man and I do not use that word loosely.

He has 7 daughters and is married to a wife of substance, and she will stand by him as I would have stood, for my h.

The jokes will come later. I want to be allowed to be sad for awhile. Not to ruminate too much. But to FEEL what I feel.






Quick note

Not a subject for political debate people - just information that may relate to many of us

IF the new tax bill passes AND if it passes as it is now (2 big IFs)

alimony will not be tax deductible as of January 1, 2018.


This means some of you/us need to settle before then, to avoid tax consequences.

In MY case for instance, if h makes a buy out offer, BEFORE then, he can deduct the taxes from it. And I won't have to pay any.

IF he waits and stalls and stomps his feet some more, it'll cost him (and maybe me).

fyi


Last edited by Cadet; 02/16/18 09:21 AM. Reason: Combine posts

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I write and perform comedy as an avocation.


My dream, from the time I was very young, as long as I can remember, was to be a Jewish comedian. The years turned into decades until my life was shattered by an existential crisis; I wasn't Jewish and I wasn't funny. I set aside those hopes and dreams to live my life in the quiet desperation of normalcy.

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doodler - feel free to drop by my thread on MLC with the jokes. It's a sad and boring place right now where all I have to write about these days is the 23 year old with large breasts (yes it was a woman) who was at my house last night complaining about her boyfriend. I gave her candy.

I tried to tell a joke over on Huddy's thread but I think I scared him off.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
I gave her candy.


Are you a priest?

Ok, I've taken the bait; I'll have to hop over to the MLC forum.

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I knew about the alimony tax issue but didn't realize it would take effect so quickly!

Will it apply retroactively? My ex would be pi$$ed if he had to pay taxes on my last year of alimony (2018) and I didn't!

It's a rotten move because it shifts the tax burden to the higher tax bracket at exactly the time when both parties are facing higher expenses of two houses instead of one. And the payoff is quite small relative to the huge tax breaks for the ultra rich.

I can't imagine this part would pass, it would be WILDLY unpopular.

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Also apparently in this bill is the elimination of a tax break for graduate students who get tuition reduction for working in the lab and the like. As if graduate school wasn't already expensive enough, and as if we weren't in need of all those STEM graduates (which are 61% of the beneficiaries of this tax break).

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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
doodler - feel free to drop by my thread on MLC with the jokes. It's a sad and boring place right now where all I have to write about these days is the 23 year old with large breasts (yes it was a woman) who was at my house last night complaining about her boyfriend. I gave her candy.

I tried to tell a joke over on Huddy's thread but I think I scared him off.


jokes work at comedy clubs, or to find the silver lining or when the person NEEDS a laugh.

But there are times when the pain is so real, recent r raw that the "joker" may be trying to detach from their own discomfort and so, makes a joke that just does not help. It detracts.

That was my point (time & place, etc).

I'm be doing some comedy work on stage again and a small part will be dedicated to h, but he's not going to be the center of my world much longer. I want him to be in the position of irrelevance he so richly deserves


ANYHOW, if you are really seriously in doing comedy for real, (Jewishness not needed) then I recommend you get Judy Carter's book on Stand Up Comedy Bible, or the Comedy Work book, b/c she's got the vehicles for you to structure your own material into a format that works. She shows you how to find/create your authentic comedy into the usual set up punch line format.

And it'll all be your own material, so good luck with that.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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25,

I am linking your previous thread. However, I don't generally monitor this forum...Cadet does and he may need to lock your previous thread.

Previous Thread:

25yearsMLC 10 Later I File D part 7


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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You mentioned that you didn't know how to link threads. Here are some easy instructions to use in the future.

How To Link Threads


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
ANYHOW, if you are really seriously in doing comedy for real, (Jewishness not needed) then I recommend you get Judy Carter's book on Stand Up Comedy Bible, or the Comedy Work book, b/c she's got the vehicles for you to structure your own material into a format that works. She shows you how to find/create your authentic comedy into the usual set up punch line format.


25,

I'm actually not interested in being a comic, but thank you for your recommendation. You are clearly a woman of substance, beauty and grace.

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25yearsmlc,

I'm new and haven't been around to follow your journey but just in reading in your latest update I want to say I'm so sorry for the news about your ex-husband and brother. It sounds like your brother will need your support and his recovery will be your priority in the near future. It sounds like he has a positive attitude and is holding it together but life really isn't fair. I look forward to reading more of your journey and to learning from your experience since it sounds like you're ahead of many of us.

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the hearing to settle or go forward to trial is Monday the 13th.


True, I've had 3 hearings to settle, that always get delayed. I read h's pleadings last night.

I could not finish them. Literally. At one point his lawyer (h, I guess) said I should claim disability and if so, let society bear the burden of ME, not him.

let that ^^ sink in.

Wow...I was so wrong about him.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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PS

I am NOT disabled. I had a health setback and now I'm moving forward and recovering.

And that's all I can say at the moment I guess.

I appreciate prayers however - I really do


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
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Wow. That's just - delusional.

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Sending prayers. I'm sorry your H is such a POS. It's heartbreakingly disappointing to learn that about someone you invested in. I hope you are not internalizing his cr@ppiness.

I can not wait to see how you emerge from all this nastiness. I can't wait to see what shape your mightiness takes. It may take a little time for it to all come together but it will be fun to see.

Hugs to you, 25, you are a gem.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Wow. Just wow. What a colossal a$$hole.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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WHAT THE ACTUAL F$%K?

Karma is going to run over him like a truck someday. And sister, you will be LONG GONE and out of his path of destruction.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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he also texted our d's (out of the blue, I think) to say'

"I love you both very much. I will reach out to you after the divorce."


SMH. Guess when the "unpleasantness" settles and he hopes I'm screwed over, THEN he'll be very generous with them

and then THEY WILL WELCOME the "love of his life" -

or whatever. Bummer is now I can't say he's not reached out to them in over a year...

d20 texted back "lol".

I also wonder if h does not like the outcome, if he'll feel like reaching out so much.

Don't think he reached out to son, who has offered testimony in writing in the brief.

I like to think that h did not read out much the pleading and just signed it, b/c it's too painful to believe he read it and believed it.

Lots of other amazing things but I had to share the "burden" comment b/c it so deeply humiliated me, and so shocked me,

I mean that is some serious darkness.

NOW I can almost see why he'd cancel the life ins policy I paid for - in HIS world, murdering a spouse might be totally reasonable as an option. So he feared it??

Or just wanted to punish. Also accused me of hiding $400k
in a 401k, which is crazy and impossible,

but indicates to ME, that it's something HE would do.

I used to project my positives onto him, way too much

so maybe he projects his negatives onto me.

Whatever. I think it's mudslide time. (The tasty kind, I mean).

Thank you all.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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No news as it's not even 9 am there.

A friend from an uglier than most divorces, said this to me:

"I know it hurts. Its amazing the spin that gets put on it all until you have a chance to take a look back and breathe. ...the stuff during the legal battle is crap and someone has to win by the other person losing..."

he has a point. H thinks that HE is under attack and that I must want it all, and at some level knows he does not APPEAR to be the hero in the narrative.

I'm not defending him and I won't bother trying to understand him again...

I just pray that I get a fair enough settlement buy out today (it's the only issue at the moment)

and can move on. Hard to imagine co-parenting in any meaningful way. Maybe if d20 is sick again but would she even want him to know? She didn't last time.


But SHE is the one who reaches out to him, however inarticulately. No matter what she says or what armor she wears - I believe she yearns to believe deep down that he loves her.

He11, I yearn to believe he loves her too. His texts of 16 months ago, said otherwise.

Okay I'm rambling nervously. I have a job interview tomorrow, so going to get my outfit ready and hair done.


thanks


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PS

though I have a date with G this weekend, which I said yes to awhile back, it's M that I think of a lot.

("L" is a Stella got her groove back" guy whom I wish I'm acted upon back then b/c now M is in the picture and things change).

So M told me a lot of feelings and one of them is that as he has left his 28 year m and 4 years of celibacy (I won't disparage his exwife -but it was at her end, and he had to use the guest room. I will explore this more as it relates to US, but in person).

he greatly values intimacy and wants it to mean a lot etc. I did not expect this remark.

He wants us to know each other well first, to be in person and take hikes and then start dance class lessons for us to see how we fit and work and learn together.

I'm not sure where the intimacy comes in there^^ but I want to know if he's a low sex drive person. I don't THINK he is but I need to get it out there.

Not sure how. I could just blurt it out (TA DAH! ZING!!)

I'm an extrovert and he's not. He's working on that b/c I told him that putting it out there is not something I am used to in the sense that I'm used to being pursued. It has been a long time granted, but I still go back to what I knew way back when,

And I don't want to put off a man who is used to doing the pursuing. But M is cerebral and deep, but sings and has a certain thoughtful sensitive approach to things and how he says them, that I appreciate.

I don't mean to be reactive, but I so appreciate the way he gives a compliment, like he puts thought into it and it's NOT about how attractive I am TO HIM, but that I give off a unique vibe of "joie de vivre he finds very appealing".

Now that, my friends, is a compliment for 25.

AND yes I can see that the$h1tstorm I'm in makes going to M appealing but I'm NOT.

I'm licking my wounds and job hunting and praying for a good outcome for court and for my kids.

And won't even see M for days. I will rescue myself from my hole. Or at least not use a man to do it.


What meeting other men does for me these days, however, is remind me that all the good things I once thought/knew I was, which were whittled away by the past 2 years of my life,

are things I am again believing about myself.

Not saying that = great recipe for a serious r, or marriage etc.

But sometimes maybe dating a little - always honestly - helps us heal.

IF IF IF it is done too soon, it'll do the opposite.

There is a dichotomy inherent in this.

On one hand, we have an armor around us and if someone new hurts us, we worry our armor is really just glass and that it will shatter.

OTOH,

I'm almost afraid to say this but - I don't see how another man can hurt me the way h has and I won't be investing 35 years and 3 kids and MANY moves for another man,

and I feel like forged steel. I will again give love freely, and if it's not returned in kind, I'll move along.

I love God more these days and rely on Him more, but the sensuality I feel within has to come from Him.

It's not a procreative urge (or if it is, it's literally divine) it's a unitive desire. Surely God gave that to me for a good and loving reason.

Well, here's to a loving Monday my friends. Wish me well today.


As for my dear brother J-, he's off to Sloan Kettering or a 3rd opinion to see if the whole kidney must go and what the heck is going on with the other kidney.

Naturally, I have drafter a proposed list of likely donors (siblings are best due to DNA matches and brothers slightly better matches).

Starting with brothers:

Ruled out the "off the grid/treated by shamans only" brother, who "refuses to use western medicine", though God bless him for volunteering,

Ruled out the Asperger's brother, for the obvious fears Asperger's "juice" could spill over;

possibly ruled IN the slothful brother - with the assumption his liver has been working so hard all these years that his kidneys are RELAXED and relatively unused,

should rule out the healthiest other brother with the terminally ill wife, -- for reasons obvious to all, (except the Asperger's brother, who forgot she was sick).

As for the sisters, we each stepped up to volunteer. Heaviest sister wants to know if it will count as weight loss;

but we have his back.

This brother of mine, this J, got a continuance during trial last year in order to spend the night with me in the hospital and give my sisters a break.

Heck yeah I'd give him a kidney.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Quote:
I'm not sure where the intimacy comes in there^^ but I want to know if he's a low sex drive person. I don't THINK he is but I need to get it out there.

Not sure how. I could just blurt it out (TA DAH! ZING!!)


I'd have the same concern, 25. I can understand not wanting to jump into a physical relationship right away, but a guy who is planning in this much detail in advance - I dunno, just seems a little off to me. And low drive (or performance issues) might be an explanation.

Quote:
I'm almost afraid to say this but - I don't see how another man can hurt me the way h has and I won't be investing 35 years and 3 kids and MANY moves for another man,

and I feel like forged steel. I will again give love freely, and if it's not returned in kind, I'll move along.


This is how I've felt dating. Seriously, what's a little breakup compared to being abandoned by the person you've built your whole adult life with? There are plenty of men in this world and the LAST thing I want to settle for now is someone who doesn't dig me just the way I am. And I also don't feel like every relationship has to end up in marriage or a long term commitment - some might just be for a while, and that's ok too if it suits us both at that moment. All the usual petty dating hardships seem like very small potatoes after the blowup of a long term marriage.

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Btw - I don't think it makes much sense for your ex to be claiming you should disability, when he was previously claiming he shouldn't have to pay you alimony because you were capable of going out and just getting a high paying job lol. Either he has a fool for a lawyer or he's the world's worst client.

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"you should go on disability"

Sorry, computer being glitchy.

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Hey girl, what happened today?

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Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
I'm not sure where the intimacy comes in there^^ but I want to know if he's a low sex drive person. I don't THINK he is but I need to get it out there.

Not sure how. I could just blurt it out (TA DAH! ZING!!)


I'd have the same concern, 25. I can understand not wanting to jump into a physical relationship right away, but a guy who is planning in this much detail in advance - I dunno, just seems a little off to me. And low drive (or performance issues) might be an explanation.

I did ask b/c I agree it could mean a deal breaker. So I broached it and we had a very VERY open discussion, and I feel reassured in this area. He is not a low sex drive person - kind of laughed when I asked -and said he kept his vows but "no, not b/c of lack of desire-

But as you know there's only one way to find out. wink




Quote:
I'm almost afraid to say this but - I don't see how another man can hurt me the way h has and I won't be investing 35 years and 3 kids and MANY moves for another man,

and I feel like forged steel. I will again give love freely, and if it's not returned in kind, I'll move along.

I'm going to love whole heartedly or not bother. But I'll know that no matter what happens, I will survive.


This is how I've felt dating. Seriously, what's a little breakup compared to being abandoned by the person you've built your whole adult life with? There are plenty of men in this world and the LAST thing I want to settle for now is someone who doesn't dig me just the way I am.

Amen sister. I have friends who are CRUSHED by the loss of a new relationship and I sort of get it - their shields were up but made of glass. And they crashed hard. I cry for them.

But I just don't feel that way - yet?


And I also don't feel like every relationship has to end up in marriage or a long term commitment - some might just be for a while, and that's ok too if it suits us both at that moment.

YES^^^^ this r with M might be a healing comforting milestone for me, and maybe, maybe that is all it will be. And maybe much more.

In a way, I wish I'd met him later (so I could have my Stella got her Groove Back time).

But casual sex for a woman (never mind the STDs) isn't what the movies pretend it might be. OR so I think.

And timing wise it's great AND bad. Great b/c it's always good to have someone who is a fan and takes time to THINK out why they are fans. At the risk of sounding vain, which I am, I'm an attractive woman yet I cannot recall the last time h complimented my looks. Good grief no wonder I felt unattractive. Great b/c it's helping me heal, while NOT making me feel that M is "rescuing" me. I am rescuing me.

Bad b/c I'm still mired in GDC and wish it was over. M and I try to keep talk of our D's to a few minutes and we do not disparage our former spouses (not much anyway)

I countered h's offer -but I thnk h THINKS a trial will win for him. But as my L said "your h is not a....sympathetic witness...."

no kidding.

Though h told his L he wanted to do a buy out, he is so low balling, it's hard to believe and i don't want him to know of brother's cancer b/c somehow H will see that as a weakness on my "team".

Just to be clear, I'm seeking 25% of h's HUGE salary for 5 years. h makes about 9-10 times more than i will anytime soon. AND The law allows me much more. AND for a lot longer.

And he's spent a year of support already fighting this.

We were together 35 years....(yes I have other assets I get half of, but the spousal support is what is in dispute- and when I tell people the actual piece we are debating, they are horrified he'd hesitate.




All the usual petty dating hardships seem like very small potatoes after the blowup of a long term marriage.



It does to me too. But I know M and I are both leaving long m's and we have been wounded.

But I've done a long year of hard work and M has been sep for 4, with his finalization coming next month. Does not want to officially date (walks and hikes not counting) until it's official. I get that. To an extent---if nothing else, my brother is teaching me Carpe Diem. Tomorrow is promised to no one.

The dance lessons are a way to learn how we work/learn together and if the chemistry lasts. I LOVE TO DANCE

How will M react when I mistake his lead, or when I step on his foot (and God knows I plan on stomping hard!! - you know, just to test)

and I have to admit, H was a great dancer. I fell in love with h on the dance floor...

I told M that in my m, we had danced a long time

M said "well you will need to have a strong new lead & I'll try to be that for you."

Man, I freaking love that^^ line.


OKAY NO NEWS from court except predicting length of time needed for trial in January.

Lovely. In other words, list of witnesses including me calling our children.

AND

Job interview today and I'm about to go.

SO I ASK

Please pray for my children to learn about God's love, to see me as a strong empowered woman (and for me to be one) for me to get a job, a fair settlement and to

and never become bitter. H hid money, he lied and he wronged me.

But his mistreatment - that's FROM and ON HIS own darkness.

d20 hates him so much it cannot be healthy. So much rejection. She said he sent her a text that made her cry. WTF man does that?

THAT is what makes me want to scream. But better not now-- job interviews hate screamers.

Prayers and good thoughts needed and wanted - a lot. People I need my head on straight for this.

((( xoxo )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PS

had to share one other thing

d20 told h (many times)

Dad, you were always gone (She did the math with him from her age of 7)

and she said "Mom was there for me, not you. She was the constant."

And h said "I know you FEEL that way"...


\
WTF???

yeah she feels that way b/c it's true. Where does he think I was??


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jul 2017
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Prayers your way 25......you have lived this for a long time. You are stronger than you realize!

Do you find yourself looking at new M and comparing to H? Is it hard to not talk about the past with new M or do you feel both of you are kind of supporting each other?

Just curious as I potentially am entering this new phase of my life and meeting new people who have probably gone through the D process. Thanks!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Interview went very well. More later. Need to read email from L.


As for dating M and talking about the divorces....

there's not to be overt disparaging of our formers b/c they are the parents of our children and it's beneath us, frankly. And it's too dark.

We are both in a big of a $h1tstorm but his is closer to being resolved semi amicably.

I make it a point NOT to discuss the divorce even if something just happened, for more than 5 minutes b/c I want M and I to have a separate NEW r.

Here is what was said at my interview that relates to all of this.

Apparently the friend who sent my resume also said "there's a divorce/illness, see if you can help 25 out"

or words to that effect.

So she said to me "sounds like you've had a really hard year."

I said, "well that's one way to frame it. But I want to reframe it b/c it's really been a year of tremendously painful growth, with massive transitions & upheaval and I'm looking forward to where I'm headed next."

the interviewer wrote that down.


Divorce talk on dates - make sure the person isn't railing about their ex or you will have a bitter date and that can turn on YOU in a second.

Make sure they own SOME of their divorce b/c it's never all one person. NEVER.

And start talking about what you each want in your life NOW.

I can see some darkness in my h i never saw before or only glimpsed.

What matters to me now is that I want LIGHT in my life, (not h)

and what things will I put up with b/c I was long married to h, and there are things I will not endure again.

In any r.

So it's important that I communicate what those preferences and boundaries are to M.

And to be flexible, b/c M gets to have those preferences and boundaries and needs, too.

Hope that helps


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 4,560
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Good stuff 25.....thanks for sharing. Yes, it does help. I hope to be able to take a similiar approach. I know it will come up but I want to remain objective and since my W is the mother of my children I think I will always be in her corner. I hope if she is happy that will translate to my children.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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fyi

I waited over a year before I began dipping my toe into dating.

I don't know how anyone can date before then and NOT be reactive, and or needy and or grabbing anything floating.

It's part of why 2nd m's end more often than first.

There are some who will argue, well, we put up with less, but I say, TIMING and GROWTH from the first divorce, determine the most about whether we will last in our 2nd marriages. Or so I hope.

If your wife just left you this past summer and you want to date now, dig a little deeper to see what you're grabbing onto.

It's rebound, per se. Our first r's are rebound by definition. Doesn't make them ALL wrong but it sure puts a weight on it.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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25...totally not ready to date. I have not yet completed my free fall to discover myself. Still working on that and I am enjoying my time alone. I have discovered things about myself and looked at myself in ways that I never did before.

I was more inquiring for my future when I am ready to take that leap forward.

As always I appreciate your insight!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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I did date quickly after my ex left - about three months to be exact. BUT - I had been DBing for ten years, we had reconciled and then he went off the deep end again, there was no hope of reconciliation nor would I have taken him back at that time. I had peace in my heart that I had done everything possible to save my marriage and I had already gone through all the DB growth process. So, just saying everyone is different in terms of when they will be ready. The important thing is not to date when you're desperate OR when you're still stuck on your ex or there's a possibility you might reconcile.

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went target shooting with G, and then to eat.

Okay as for shooting, it's not a "get out the rage" thing for me. It's all about empowerment.

My h was (I ASSUMED) my protector, and he's gone now. What to do to feel safe?

I have a gun and I shoot it well and I hit the target often. So there.

I'm protecting myself. I'm rescuing myself (which is a big reason for ME not to date too soon).

I do not NEED a man in my home, and so there's that too.

Re Mr M - he is very concerned with finishing his Gross Div Crap before "really dating" and before "being fully present" which I understand in my head. They've been sep 4 years, closing on house between Nov and Jan.

In my head, this is ^^^ WISE. In my 19 year old (last time I really dated)

ego/heart the reality is I'm used to being pursued harder. True, He calls a lot and texts or calls every night. He travels a lot too (says that changes in Jan).

I date OMs b/c there's no promise not to, at this point. So why not?

So we shall see. I read an article about men dating women 20+ years younger than they are, and it was written by a man, and it was so Unflattering to men.

(Unless the older man wants a fertile woman for procreation - having NOT had a family of his own before. Not the "do over abandoner's" like my h, -ugh).

The author's main points --- "why should a younger woman marry an older guy she will have to nurse in his later years?

What is SHE getting out of it? If it's money, why marry her? Just call it what it is".


Also said

And what do you 2 talk about? I mean in the dark nights of the soul, how do you truly connect? I mean after the sex? Do you want to grow old together OR have her watch YOU grow old and hope she sticks around?


I had A dinner with a 39 y/o recently (breaking my rule not to date anyone closer in age to my son, but i had not asked him his age and he knew mine, so, it did to occur to me to ask him.wtf?)

Anyhow, it became clear that although he's got a masters in some IT field in which I'm inept, he could Not talk about anything OTHER than IT and pop culture and a smattering of talking points on politics (please tell me that IT people are not all like that??)

Finally I asked him how old he was b/c he talked about a fav show of his which my son loves. THat's when he said 39 (my son recently turned 31).

He seemed to think I would be fine and flattered as if HE was the "cool progressive deep" person WILLING to try to connect with a "beautiful mature woman" (his words and you're darn right I'm writing them down --- we all need those pats on the back).

Thing is, he seemed fun. We could "date for fun".

But with no future FOR ME. I don't want to have him push me around in a wheelchair always waiting for him to bolt for the woman NOT in the wheelchair.

I want to grow old (not now!! but still) WITH someone.

Not long before them, nor from afar watching them as they make their walk to eternity alone, b/c I'm too far behind...

I want to grow old with them.


So that's what I learned.

Another thing I learned is that although I like camping and hunting and fishing

those are things H loved and I learned to like them too. But would I like them, if not for him?

Does that matter? I KNOW I love dancing and theater and that's a certainty.

LOVE LANGUAGES NEWSFLASHES FOR ME

I always said my LL were quality time and acts of service

But by being married to a doctor, I got almost none of either.

Interesting to me.

And the other day when the young guy (39 is young to me)
said I was "beautiful"

I thought about h's strong urgent need for words of affirmation. And it hit me that I cannot recall the last time h told me I was attractive or beautiful or anything abuot my looks.

When I made him laugh hard, he'd say "great line" for my comedy jokes, (he was a good laugher)

but about my looks?? No in years. And why not?

I mean, I am good looking enough for a man to comment, so why'd my own h hold that back so much?

AND is it one of my LL's - or did I deny needing those words b/c they were another thing I got so little of, that I decided it did not matter? Were quality time/acts of service just my HOPES??

Same for gifts. Thought, "eh, not such a biggy."

OMG the anniversary "gifts" I did not get or got the opposite of (gifts for HIM under the guise of "anniversary" gifts). Maybe they would have mattered but SO MANY times he dropped the ball on special days, it was embarrassing. Truly.

But this is NOT about h, it's about ME

h can remain on the tundra backburner to the place of irrelevance he so richly deserves;

I'm just wondering what I, 25, REALLY do want as routes of receiving/giving love.

There are Acts of Service, (Can't think of one from h in past 3 years...literally)

Quality time (none with h but I'm pretty sure that's a real YES for me.)

Gifts - not the showy kind you brag about but a thoughtful item, sure.

NOT a "Fitbit" OMG I got that from h for my birthday right after my mom died, and it was RED so you couldn't pretend it was a watch. I should have written "Thanks h, signed 'fatso wife" except I was never fat. But I did lose 15 lbs, HEY did schmoopie gain 15 IQ points, so that she's now in the dullard range??)

YIKES I'M ON A ROLL settle down girl,

okay back to healthy talk....

point of all this is to discover what my love languages are - how I want love given to me AND without turning away from it b/c it's given in someone sincerely making an effort but not knowing my "routes"....


and how I GIVE/SHOW love. I like to cook, so acts of service is one of my giving ways.

I need to ponder the rest.

But can you all see how valuable it is to figure ths out before dating too much?

M (the guy I'm most drawn to) asked me If I liked camping and I know he does.

I said yes -(and without consciously knowing it, I said yes PARTLY b/c I wanted to like what he likes!)

Then I realized I've done a lot of camping and that's b/c H took us camping b/c HE liked it!!

And in time I learned to like it b/c it made life easier and b/c a part of me is outdoorsy and a tomboy. I shared all this with M b/c it just means I'm still learning -- finally I said "I like camping IN some form of structure no more laying on gravel and not being able to lift my spine the next day. Those fun days are behind me."

and another random insight of HIS (M's) was that we are both surviving our marital plane crashes. Let us hope and build on what we have in common OTHER than this.


AMEN

Hence the ballroom dance lesson we plan on taking in January. A lot can happen between now and then, but I still find myself with my fingers crossed for us..

OTOH there are men out there over 50 who seem all too happy to date women their own age. So far...

One thing at a time...AND

on that happy note,

have a good Saturday night people.

xoxo


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
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As for young women with older men - I've thought about that with my ex and his 19 years younger bride.
On the one hand - he's charming, as narcissists can be. And as a surfer, he was in great shape when she met him even though he was in his early fifties. And because he's a physician making over $300k, she gets a nice lifestyle, financial security and exotic vacations.

On the other - he's no longer invincible, had to stop surfing, had shoulder surgery, is losing his hair and going gray. And I still fear that CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) is in his future. I hope she'll care for him in his old age, but know that at my age, 61, I wouldn't want to be caring for an 80 year old husband.

As for the 39 year old? My experience with younger men was nice, but it's really only for today, no future in it. So that does leave us with a narrow path. Someone close to our age , not too much older or younger. But that has to include physiological age - some men my age are already too old for me.

Then add in other baggage - I wouldn't date a guy with grade school age kids, maybe teenagers. But my kids are grown and I still have enough parenting to do with them.

The guys I've dated either didn't have kids or they were grown.

All of this being said - the most important things, how you relate and values and interests - are more important than anything. And even the perfect match on paper could die of a heart attack tomorrow.

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Originally Posted By: kml
As for young women with older men - I've thought about that with my ex and his 19 years younger bride.
On the one hand - he's charming, as narcissists can be. And as a surfer, he was in great shape when she met him even though he was in his early fifties. And because he's a physician making over $300k, she gets a nice lifestyle, financial security and exotic vacations.

how did you deal with the glaring cliched nature of this^^^ injustice?? NOT saying there aren't others with it worse off out there, I know there are.

But what we earned and helped them earn, only to have a "new wife" cut in line.

Thats why it's such a trigger when I hear of someone (even a friend) talk about "meeting a nice rich doctor." Makes me really indignant.

never wanting to meet a nice student studying to get INTO medical school, or in med school OR doing their internship or residency or a fellowship - nope...

just wanting to meet them AFTER SOMEONE ELSE HAS DONE ALL OF THAT....THEN they'd like to meet him. How dedicated...how loyal...

Good grief people - we are all soon to be ex wives/ex husbands. Have a little consideration & respect for the ex spouse you are replacing , (down the road I mean, of course).

There's a great chance that the new person you are choosing to love, DID play a part in the demise of their marriage and their former spouse deserves -- something decent in how we treat them. I won't disparage a former spouse of a new partner and I sure as heck would not post on FB in any way that would harm her or their children. But then, I' a decent person with class.



On the other - he's no longer invincible, had to stop surfing, had shoulder surgery, is losing his hair and going gray.

^^^ my H was on crutches at some grand opening (of where he "retired from") - guess he was running and something actually broke. I don't wish him ill but I could swear he thought Alaska would keep him from aging...(cryogenics??)

God...smh



And I still fear that CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) is in his future. I hope she'll care for him in his old age, but know that at my age, 61, I wouldn't want to be caring for an 80 year old husband.

I bet!

I 'd have wiped his rear end from a stroke (he has A-fib) without a complaint or thought b/c that's what you do when you make vows.

But I find more of my thoughts NOT about what I "would do IF" or about his life, and more about what I want in MINE

and except for d20 (whom I deeply worry about) and the idiotic trial in 90 days, I'm mostly awake to more possibilities than I have been in -- many years.

I think when the dust settles, I'll be better off than otherwise.

As for h? Doubtful b/c he has lost a great catch, a woman who really brought out the best in him, who smoothed his rough patches (narc asperger's) edge, made him laugh really hard, challenged him intellectually - though later perhaps too much for his ego-- and was loyal to him beyond reserve. His Schmoopie, I'm told is "the extreme opposite, not a match made in heaven, she's not that smart and for sure not funny"

- guess she makes some money her job, but I can't even comment on the comments there. And I've still never looked at her!!

And our children...what could he have been thinking? Ah, I will NEVER know...

And NONE of this^^ is on my side of the sandbox eithe
r. All I can do is my side of it, help my kids, be open to good men out there, and be happy and adventurous with ME.

H is a fool and this, I know. But it does not matter (much) if he knows.

My former BIL left my sister years ago and married OW#2. They are very different. OW#2 earns a good salary whereas my sister is an RN. Not shabby but not rich.

Anyhow, former BIL apologized to my sister just as she prepped to remarry, and mostly he talked abut what HE lost, etc. "Big mistake" "really effed up", etc.

Thing is, though he has money, here is what I KNOW. Every night for the past 15 years of his new m,

MY sisters & I all each greeted our h's at the door, with hugs if not more, and we asked how their day was - we made a big deal that they had come home.. called the kids to come up and say hi to their dad, etc.

My former BIL knows that every night he returns to his new w, there's a warm hug he's NOT getting.
and more...

My h knows (or will if he lets himself remember) that I did the same. And a million other things. It's not as if h wasn't getting it at home.

H may never recall the withering criticism he gave me and the kids the last fews years, the crazy controlling stuff about food, but we sure do, and we don't miss that.

I hope for all our sakes we can learn to recall the good times.

Just wondering KML




As for the 39 year old? My experience with younger men was nice, but it's really only for today, no future in it. So that does leave us with a narrow path. Someone close to our age , not too much older or younger. But that has to include physiological age - some men my age are already too old for me.

Then add in other baggage - I wouldn't date a guy with grade school age kids, maybe teenagers. But my kids are grown and I still have enough parenting to do with them.

The guys I've dated either didn't have kids or they were grown.

All of this being said - the most important things, how you relate and values and interests - are more important than anything. And even the perfect match on paper could die of a heart attack tomorrow.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25, I enjoy reading your posts.

As to the 39 year old.... why not? Did you enjoy his company? I'm not saying you have to marry the guy, but if you enjoy his company, then go enjoy his company! Stop worrying about the age difference. Sure, you might find you don't have much to talk about, but maybe you do, or you just have to work a little harder to find them. Or even find you don't want to talk to them at all, but still enjoy their company....

I think that's the issue with men dating younger women. We are not focusing on the age difference.


M:23 T:26
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Hi,

Been a while. Sorry to hear about all the infidelity. You certainly didn't deserve what he's done. Just a note of support!

Frank


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Originally Posted By: Jim1234
25, I enjoy reading your posts.

As to the 39 year old.... why not? Did you enjoy his company? I'm not saying you have to marry the guy, but if you enjoy his company, then go enjoy his company! Stop worrying about the age difference.

Jim, read my post again maybe. I found little to talk with him about and when he mentioned a show my son likes, I realized that there 1) was an age difference and 2) he and I are not on the same page.

To be clear, I found him relatively shallow. Apart from his attractive looks, (which is nice)
he just was not that interesting.

MAYBE due to his age, maybe not.


Sure, you might find you don't have much to talk about, but maybe you do, or you just have to work a little harder to find them. Or even find you don't want to talk to them at all, but still enjoy their company....

wait? What?
"Still enjoy their company" but don't want to talk to them -- unless you mean having sex,

if I can't enjoy or find much to talk about, or don't want to talk to him, there's not going to be sex.

I'm not wasting my time in a r without meaningful communication. Which I need for sex. Hey, I'm now aware of men my own age and a few years younger that find sex meaningful to THEM, as well. They want to be accepted with their gravitational changes and such, was much as i want the marks of being a mother - accepted.

Sleeping with a man I don't WANT to talk to - I'd probably laugh and want out of the bed asap.



I think that's the issue with men dating younger women. We are not focusing on the age difference.




I think the opposite. No offense. Truly.

But IMO men who seek out younger women want to look better in other men's eyes (Impression management king of the hill, trophy, virility)

and or they want a nurse to care for them when they are old,

and or just sex with a younger model.

I don't mean to insult men in this scenario, but I will say it's incredibly cliched to do. Hence the eye rolls

and like KML says'

when her ex h suffers from his illness (or when my h has a stroke, likely since he has A fib)

will the new schmoopie take GOOD care of him? Will she enjoy pushing him around in a wheelchair?

Or just call my son to hope she can get off the hook (which means calling me, to be honest).

or maybe she'll stick around until the will gets probated...

I find that tragic but it's not really in MY direct life anymore.

In my h's case the OW is not much younger (or so I'm told she looks middle aged)

but apparently she has had a lot of work done, and I've never looked at her so I can't care too much.

She wants to be a doctor's wife though, and now she probably gets to be that. I took the STD test b/c a friend who knows her told me I "need to get tested b/c OW has has quite the past." Super fun!

Beyond that, this ^^is not in my sandbox.

But saying men don't consider age in dating is hilarious. To me anyhow.

You mean to say you won't rule out age 55 or over when you fill out the online apps?

What age will you go up to, OVER yours?

Just asking...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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So I have gotten 3 of the 6 STD tests results back and so far, all negative.

Since it's been a year since my last "encounter" with h (and no one since), I'm not worried about those showing up after the fact b/c it's already after the fact.

There are 2-3 test results awaiting.

here's the thing. We all know I'll go batchit nuts if there's a positive but I don't expect here to be.

But I don't find the "all clear" phone call from the doctor NEARLY sufficient enough to match the level of anxiety I've felt recently.


I think a card with straight A's or something very affirming to me personally (NOT h for not spreading it to me, b/c he probably took the chance).

But something I can laminate and then bedazzle.

Seems appropriate. Of course I'll carry it around for appropriate times.

Went out with M tonight. It was lovely. Not all jitters and sparks yet, but a stirring and he sure says lovely things.

It's hard for him to trust, I can tell. TO be open, like i am, is really new for him.

I hope our physical side will match the mental and easy way of hanging out. I do want passion but that's not been tested, so to speak.

Happy ThanksGiving everyone!

Yes I'll see M after T-day, (Friday) since it seemed like a bit much to have him meet MY family on Thanksgiving, Good grief. Too much too fast and they'd overwhelm him.

Plus I don't want to rush it at all. He said a lovely thing with the "L" word in it but in a mature way.

"I know I'm going to love you, but I'm not sure of all the ways." He got very affectionate and talked about how he has a lot of unused miles on his card,s and that I've never been to Paris and that "we ought to go".

I'm not holding my breath (a lot can happen between now and 2 months from now) but it's nice to have someone saying it at all.

And though there's always a risk, I just feel like this is a relationship. Not necessarily gonna be a marriage (wish I'd dated more men before meeting him at all)

and I may never remarry at all. But I feel FOR NOW, safe just seeing him and probably calling him "My date" -maybe a boyfriend.

Thing is, I've had boyfriends I did not marry. My sister J has not. So to HER, my dating M at all is like I''m diving into a pre marriage role.

I'm not. I'm just exploring a relationship with a nice guy who is easy to speak with and very smart.

We both have damage from our marital demises, our "Plane crashes" so it'll take time to know what we are like without that pain hanging over our heads, moving beyond it all,

but that's the point of dating & having fun now, right?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PS

yes we will begin those dance lessons in January. They will be fun AND they will teach us something about how we interact, how he leads, how I follow, and the chemistry pieces of it all.

It'll be a thing I'd like to complete before introducing him to my kids, if I do.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25, this is probably nothing, but personally, at this point, I'd be really cautious of anyone who uses the L word in any shape or form.


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25,

Wow, it's awesome to see you getting some love. You deserve to be appreciated. I hope that trip to Paris happen. You will love it. Do you have dance shoes already? Also, get some nice dresses. I know you probably already have plenty. Enjoy your turkey day.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Look at you! Live it up, girl. You sound pretty crazy over M. I am glad you are still dating otherwise though. Take it slow, like you always tell me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Happy Thanksgiving!!!

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Originally Posted By: Jim1234
25, this is probably nothing, but personally, at this point, I'd be really cautious of anyone who uses the L word in any shape or form.


I understand your concern, but it was carefully used, and there was a context. I had just made him laugh really hard. So it does not trigger the same reaction in me that it would normally.

But I know what you mean. Lately I tend to say things like "I really care for" and "I am drawn to", when talking to him.

Because saying "i sure like you!" sounds like I'm in 6th grade. (Or what I'd say if I were about to break up. "I like you as a friend, but...."


Saying "I love you" at this point, even when parts of me feel it, - makes me think,

how can REAL love be formed so fast? I don't know. Seems more like the "falling in love" phase which is not something I trust much.

(Since I think I believe in choice & chemistry & time.)

H & I said the we were in love a few months in, (I was raised to make sure the guy says it first or he'll be scared off, but i felt it and meant it.)
And it kept growing for years and years...

for me, words are chosen carefully & carry weight.

So I hear you, but so far, so good.

FWIW, I care for him & I want to get to know him & then see where it goes. I think I could love him

I'm also the 1st woman he's dated after a 4 year sep, & a 28 year m.

I've had some dates, but he's the first "boyfriend" I'll have had after 13 months of a sep & a 35 year m.

So We are by definition - I guess - "rebounds."

But If i wait 5 years and THEN date, won't the first guy also be my "rebound"?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: joejoe1
25,

Wow, it's awesome to see you getting some love. You deserve to be appreciated. I hope that trip to Paris happen. You will love it. Do you have dance shoes already? Also, get some nice dresses. I know you probably already have plenty. Enjoy your turkey day.


Thanks JoeJoe,

Tell you the truth, I need some DANCING dresses b/c I thnk the ballroom thing kind of requires them. So they flare out on spins? But I've heard that pants are good at first so you learn the steps, etc


Until h and I work out our finances (EYE ROLL & DEEP BREATH) I'm taking all spending a lot more slowly.

You know I had a talk with d20 last night about all this - M and our R.

I told her "I'll introduce you to M if the time comes when he's a "real boyfriend" but you know, maybe M & I are like plane crash passengers (dealign with Gross Div Crap) at the moment. We are sort of holding hands hoping we land safely and maybe

maybe that is all this is
- us finding comfort in each other through this terrible ordeal."

D20 said "So what? That's Good! If that's the least this is, that you get to heal some and remember who are you as a woman and feel love from a normal guy, what's wrong with that?"

Amen child, amen.

PS

Joejoe yeah, I would like a trip to Paris for sure...(NOT USING M, just saying)

- it's one of those things H promised - b/c my junior year of college was supposed to be in France.

But I got married instead...and though we've been to Europe several times, (& I'm grateful for that)

but somehow Paris was never a priority to h...so we did not go.

You know what? Here is my VOW to ME.

I will go to Paris (by myself or with a friend or relative or lover)

within 18 months of TODAY. (Okay we'll say by Memorial Day 2019, at the latest).

There folks. Hold me to this^^^.

It's a 25 bucket list item, and I'm not waiting till I'm in a wheelchair to see Paris.

((( )))


PS

sometimes I wonder if maybe those seizures I had 13 months ago, were a good thing. They sukked at the time - I was TERRIFIED and H was an embarrassing no show

and the seizures led to life altering conditions and I take pills now that are weird and I take a pill BECAUSE of a side effect of a pill.

But those seizure sure did lead to massive changes in my life, and upheaval and painful growth and many new directions.

But the directions are MINE now.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25,

I will hold you to Paris. Start looking for tickets now. Not to buy one, but what airline has the best prices. If you buy your ticket between 2 am and 4 am you can get really great prices.

When you get to Paris get a few pastries for me.

Maybe you should start with pants. Then hit the dance floor with a beautiful dress after you get your steps down.

If this man is willing to help you land you should let him. We all need a steady runway to land on and we don't get that, the next best thing is a person who can catch us.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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JoeJoe


(((thank you)))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Look at you! Live it up, girl. You sound pretty crazy over M. I am glad you are still dating otherwise though. Take it slow, like you always tell me.

Happy Thanksgiving!



Thanks Ginger. Yeah, definitely not committing to an exclusive thing anytime soon. I hear you.

M blew 2 tires out last night while I was driving behind him. Scared me and made him mad (big bucks$$) but he did not lose his %h1t, so that was cool.

And I waited 30 minutes before I said "but the upside of this" (about being alive and all....) b/c I did not want to minimize the hassle factor and cost for him.

OKAY I was told by my T to add to my List of

"Must haves" in my men, going forward (or in "The Man") - in no order

1) smarts (& not a weirdo about me being smart)

2) a good heart (some form of belief in God or karma or SOMETHING beyond this world, i.e. a moral compass of a spiritual nature. I'm Christian and most comfortable with that but it's a belief system and spiritually centered life I'm most seeking);


and 3) some sparks.

M is weirdly smart, which I like. Has a good kind heart and is spiritual.

I'm attracted to all that, but really hope the sparks grow. He's not my physical type, usually.

The dance lessons will achieve something, - at least I'll be better at ballroom dancing.
Or chemistry will grow.

H was a strong lead, maybe too strong. Interesting metaphors...and H and I had a lot of sparks and for a very long time.


Dang maybe I'm the one stopping the sparks with M...

b/c M has a salt/pepper beard and looks like a professor AND yes he looks older than me? (OMG could I be this vain?? Is this vanity?)

My sister said "he's not what I was expecting, but he seems smart and kind..."

and my older brother said "he's not your (as in 25) usual type, but give him a chance. He's pretty cerebral and a good guy."

Okay enough paralysis by analysis and time to enjoy.

DIVORCE UPDATE

(sort of)

So the counter offers my lawyers made (based on, btw, the LAW and REALITY)

will probably be rejected b/c, you know, that's my h.

So that stinks but I'm telling you, when i look at the formulas and hear the people in my divorce class in a state that is Not considered as fair as CA, all and I mean ALL of them are getting support for far longer and in higher %. I am NOT asking for much, good grief! It was a 35 year marriage.

And h has already spent one of the 5 years of support I wanted, ON LAWYERS

(could've spent it on the lawyer who gave birth to his kids...= THIS GIRL!)

Oh well....

Have 2 new job interviews leading from my first big one a week or so ago

I need money- cash flow problem looms AND right before Christmas.

OMG I never borrowed money before. It changes the relationship into a weird thing so if I go get my hair done, I worry my sister will mind b/c, I owe her money...

you know?

Anyhow, that's it for now.

And yes I will add to the "Must have in The Man list!"

Guys, from what my T says, we should all be doing this.

Just saying...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Hi

3 long updates

on the "divorce siege" approach, gotta admit, h's tactics sure do annoy. He has money in the bank - somehow-- but not me! Nope, I'm broke...How is that since we are both "unemployed and living on a pension?? " Granted, he has a "roomate"....

I inadvertently found more assets of his/ours and it's always like a fresh wound to discover. I hate it. True backslides...but in 60+<days it SHOULD be mostly over - at least this chunk.
Oh it was a 6 figure asset, to be clear. And yet he still fights paying spousal support for 5 years...

though his offer number has gone up to an embarrassing insulting amount, from....zero.

Progress?? (from Dumb & Dumber -) "So you're saying there's a chance????"


Can't wait for it to be over. Then He can be a dot on my horizon.

S31 visited my inlaws. I WANTED to ask wtf they thought and why they didn't reach out and how could they believe h's narrative (and what IS his narrative??) Why didn't they help d20? But s31 told them none of this...(I kind of want to send a Christmas card telling them how I'm dong AND praising s31 for being such a help GIVEN what happened to the tuition cut off and assault/arrest last summer and how "hard a time she's been having. Great brother, great son and great young man. So proud of him."

Too obvious??? [censored]...

ANYHOW- INSTEAD

I said only that I miss them (& asked about their health) and that I regret losing them to what I know are false character assassinations. And God only knows what else...(is it the extrovert in me that simply does not "get" how huge things go unsaid for decades or forever so there's never any closure??)

S31 said "mom, you can spend the rest of your life knowing that some people won't ever realize what a monster h has been - ever - or you can move on knowing the truth."

Obviously son is right. Obviously. I get it...and yet I still find myself looking in that rear view mirror thinking "but wait, I was a damn good wife and he STILL did this $h1t to ME?? Am I repressing? And what's with his lousy r's with the kids??"

And on and on and on.




INSTEAD I have to reframe and reframe and reframe my sense of rejection

and "what I DID" to "make h mistreat/leave me/our family" and remember to

see it as HIS problem and say "Goodbye to lunacy" and mean it and keep meaning it (all of which I've heard and written 29736 times here!)

*Combine this ^^^reframing ("this is not about me, or whatever was about me is already being worked on so, so it is not a problem now)

*with turning it over to God (I've not done this as much to be honest - and I CAN do that more and better)

and if you can - and *YES YOU CAN - replace the negative with positive.


New hobbies, new job GAL --- PMA (DB 101, seriously)

You don't "need a man" for this new positive input. But we DO need to drop or eliminate or great reduce seeing as much of the negative folks in our lives for now, truly they will suck out our energy for a struggling to be happy soul)

, AND you can have friends whom you inform "hey, I always believed maybe words of affirmation were Not my love language IN THE PAST - but they are now. And I could use some."

**As my awesome T says, "it's fine to be needy at times. To the people you love and know, YES go express those needs of yours."

Heck yes, lately I need to have validation about my appearance. I'm 57 so, Am I taking care of myself enough? Do I seem too irritable? Am I getting more patient? AM I STILL DESIRABLE??


These ^^ are hard questions to feel needy about, so vulnerable and weak sounding to us,

but it sukks more to wonder, I think. OR to seek out answers in unhealthy ways...

Folks, let's face it

When you get a gut punch & smack in the face enough, and those wounds tell you that you're ugly/stupid/fat/ or purple in color

you do need someone to say "Um, nope. You are just as attractive/smart, not fat and NOT purple, as ever. Maybe more so."

And needing to lose 20/200 lbs, IS ALLOWED...

Do YOU wanna lose it? Do it b/c you want to feel comfortable naked with a partner you care about OR b/c you will feels healthier, or you will be the fun aunt/grandma

or bc you want to wear your best clothes, or your knee and back WILL feel better or b/c you just feel like proving you can

not b/c some Schmoopie OW is skinny.
("Hey, I can lose 20 lbs, but she can't gain 20 IQ points OR get a character transplant...just saying"...)


**And then we transition IN TIME to do this "self esteem rebuilding) for ourselves b/c our self esteem at its' root, comes from within.

But with the hits we took, we are allowed to ask for help from loved ones, getting back on our feet. Not moping to them, but telling them what we need!

We must always have people in our lives who do give us some love in OUR love languages. Honestly, if they aren't, then we probably need new people in our lives.


((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
AM I STILL DESIRABLE??

YES


Me-70, D37,S36
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part 2



Update on dating...specifically M


I know he has the smarts and a good heart, but I was wondering if sparks would happen. He has a runner's body and that's not usually my type. I go for men who look
like weight lifters. AND the whole vanity thing nagged at me.(MY vanity, specifically)

I think sparks are beginning to start. M seemed comfortable at a party and then the next night with my sisters and they liked him rather a lot. That means something to me.

He danced with my sister and she said he was "pretty good" - (she also said, "Just b/c h was truly a gifted dancer, - and he was- doesn't mean M would not be a better partner and M is a 'good enough dancer."

(FTR, PEOPLE JUST SO YOU KNOW

H and I fell in love on the dance floor and there were sparks from the get go. First 10 dates we went dancing and dang it, he knows what he's doing.
never mind all this^^ it's not a biggie because

I guess there WILL be things we miss in our former spouses, maybe always.
At least in long term m's we must accept that at some levels we were well suited. And that won't just go away, it will probably fade as we see the other parts that were NOT so well suited and see good/great things in new people we meet.

Missing some things in our former spouse after the divorce dust settles I mean,

we probably never ever should have been together if we literally miss nothing about them. And with a marriage as long as ours, of course there are things in which we were quite well suited.

But my point here is that my r with M is deepening.
Despite missing some elements of the familiar, which is normal, I'm told.

We are still cautious and I know we are waiting for more finality in his mediation and divorce, before being intimate. (Reconciliation is not a possibility for him, I checked a bunch).

Still he wants to to wait till it's final in January (they have been sep for 4 years and he has not dated at all).

I am not in the same mindset for ME - but I accept his for him.

But we talk for LONG periods each night. Not shallow stuff, though we touch on it all.

He works in this area and commutes temporarily for work. He moves here firmly, in late December or early Jan.

So Last weekend he rented a hotel room 100 yards from mine for his work, and we spent a lot of time other. Good, right? EXCEPT I didn't expect it! What??

It felt like pressure for me and I wanted my privacy and almost FOR A MINUTE wondered WTH was going on. Did he forget to tell me that we were spending the whole weekend together? (Plus to be blunt, my condo was a wreck. I just had 2 of MY kids visiting. Trust me, a wreck!)

WE had a party to go to on Black Friday (Divorcecare group that does not know we are semi dating ) and on the way, he blew 2 tires on the right side and I was driving behind him.

He was upset about losing 2 tires AND rims and needing a tow truck and we were on a ramp, the police came to get him moved faster b/c our location was dangerous (really I probably saved his life by blinking behind him and all cool ).

and M did not lose his $h1t.
He was upset for sure, but I also STFU and I did not minimize it or try to make him see the upside . Well, for awhile...

(from where I was driving behind him, it looked like he was hurt and so I was thrilled he wasn't dead. From MY perspective he was lucky as he11.)

So I asked him if I could wait 30 minutes before I mention my "silver lining" stuff

and he could vent more now, if needed. But he didn't. I mean maybe 3-5 minutes of calmly discerning the costs. So the car got towed, and I drove him. A small lesson in how life might be and believe me, I was noticing.

Next night he met my siblings and blended well. He made an effort to push himself out of his comfort zone as an introvert into a room of extroverts and HE DANCED with my sister.

I could not watch PARTLY b/c I knew I'd compare him to h (I & my sisters must concede, H is probably among the best dancers I've ever known)

and partly b/c I was afraid ---and that bothered me about ME.

The good news is I felt my attraction to M growing as I heard & saw him interacting.

When he dropped me off (he got a rental car big enough to take my dog to the party - b/c I CAN BRING MY DOG, dang it) and that touched me.

I thought about inviting him into my condo when he dropped me off b/c it felt - tempting, but I didn't. (Almost did not shave my legs as my back up "birth control" method----when you KNOW you will need extra discipline for saying "not yet" on a big night).

But to be frank, as much as he seemed happy with intense hugging and kissing, I later asked him if he was bummed out that we parted ways that night.

He said while he wanted to go up, he wanted to keep his promise. He's been faithful 28 years, what's another month?


(THE STINKING HOLIDAY SEASON, THAT'S WHAT!!...okay I'm just saying...Plus remember my last year's NYE resolution to have sex this calendar year so, it's pushing it. )

Not to mention my own h living with OW for MANY months and cheating and blah blah blah the rest.

I know it's not a contest but I'll be darned if I wait around for my h to control any more of my life than he already has. H flaunts his affair and I'm waiting for a guy who has been sep for 4 years...?? OH THE IRONY


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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part 3


OH btw, one thing M disclosed about his role in his marital demise was that he used to hide things he believed his xw would over react to, and he gave examples of her over reactions.

For purposes of this discussion, I'll give him the point that she over reacted (assuming everything he says is true). That was not my focus of course.

I then said "but M, my h did that it really is a trigger. When you you hide things that are part of the truth needed by both, it is lying by omission, which is a cowardly form of lying."

Before I could say more, he agreed...


I went on b/c I feel so strongly about this

"And though I really understand your perspective THEN, just so you know, it's a deal breaker for me. Here is why -

it erodes my confidence in the r,

which makes me withhold emotions, love and probably physical expression of that b/c I won't feel safe

which means I become LESS loving or less showing of it, and then it's just a matter of time before we are circling the drain. You might even think it proves that I over reacted and then hide more, or outright lie more, and then it all goes downward..."

When it comes to asking for permission or forgiveness, for ME, 25, permission wins hands down. Which I said in my m many times.

I rarely said "NO WAY" to h when he asked for something authentically.
as in telling the whole truth about why something mattered a lot to him. Even if it was "a fun thing I've wanted a long time and here's how I think we can afford or do it."

Then we could talk about how we could make it happen. I maybe said "no" a few times early in the m but honestly, my reasons were freaking mature. Like "but the kids need..." iThen he'd act as if HE was making a sacrifice. I don't recall ever thinking "H should not get X b/c then I, 25 won't." I did not keep score. I never said no to what H wanted for something I wanted. And you know, I'm NOT proud of that. Where the hell was I in that? A piece of furniture being moved overtime we got reassigned?

But damn, sometimes h's demands were just out of whack. Buy an $11k ATV b/c he really wanted one (main reason was just that) OH and it "would really hunt well"

which = he really wanted one b/c HE likes hunting. He ended up buying himself one anyhow, ON our anniversary, and that just hurt my feelings. It embarrassed me And he did it without any involvement like the other MANY toys.

What a fool b/c it hurt our m so much and the truth is, with the exception of the ATV, which I'd have agreed to within a few months,

ALL the other toys (snow mobile, boat, trailer for the boat, paving our driveway without notice to me) I've have enjoyed getting WITH HIM. Instead it was just stuck in my face as a fait accompli.So much harder to enjoy those "fun toys" when they're just showing up for HIM.

I told M all this^^ to explain my buttons/deal breakers. How the dribbling out of info killed me.

And I promised not to lecture or over react as best I can, to a request for something.

"But please don't make me drag out dribbles of information or WONDER "is that all??"

I don't want that "itchy sweater feeling again"

and I'd rather be alone than wish I was,

or think "oh God, I am with another liar"

I know it was not easy for M to disclose or for me to hear. And I disclosed a LOT of shameful secrets of mine I've never told another man other than h (who threw it in my face last year, 20 years later AND in a new weird version).

And yet, here we are, M and I - thinking we might still find each other quite interesting and valuable.

I so wish he was not the first guy I've "really" dated since H.

Maybe we are just 2 people comforting each other on the plane crash of divorce.

and that's not a bad thing. It's a good thing.

And maybe we are more. And that's a great thing.

M has not been in my condo and I have not been in his hotel (he officially moves here in 3 weeks but will still travel a lot for the next 3 months).

When he assembles my media tower this weekend, THEN he'll be in my space and that's NOT necessarily going to be THE TEST, but it will be one of them.

I don't want him to break his promise to himself, but I also don't want ME to be held to it.

Know what I mean?

I have been asked out by other men and the option is there. Which means I'm free to say "yes/no thanks". (There is no exclusivity promise with M yet. I'm just not sure I can do the "stella gets her groove back" casual sex thing. For one thing, how do you get rid of the guy later and what if he stinks in bed? I could start laughing, and then I'd need the STD tests all over again. (OH my tests are negative and I do want to laminate and bedazzle the card declaring it so).

CONFESSION sort of - M's son is adopted and they're close. Great! But that means his wife was never pregnant...

So I mentioned that my kids were born of me, so I'm a woman with some stretch marks.
You know, the whole "I'm woman, hear me roar..."


I don't want to feel self conscious about that b/c I've lost weight and though I may always want a tummy tuck (trying to decide if that is MY desire or negatives from h)

I also want to feel comfortable as i am -- desired as I am,

(which always makes me feel more amorous, I swear.)

I mean what turns us OFF more than hearing a negative comment about our bodies/looks from a parter? Not much! Total libido killer buzz kill)

M said he thinks I look like a woman who had children, is supposed to look.

The way he said it, was the right way.

So, though I really wish I'd met him a year or two from now, I'm just going with the flow for now.

thanks for listening.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
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Thanks for the update. You sound like you're doing pretty well.

My $.02... It seems like you are taking this thing with M way too seriously. It's great that you get along, but you seem to be moving too fast in every way but sex. I fear you are getting too emotionally wrapped up in him too quickly.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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25,

Enjoy your life. You are putting too many expectations on yourself. How about, just going for it. If sex haooens it happens. One life, that's all we get.

If this man truly desire you, how about enjoy being desired. Also having sex doesnt mean you have to M him. You are doing good. Look like you are taking control of your life again.

This M is showing you that you are a priority in his life. He's thinking about you when he's making decisions. When he got his rental car and hotel, he was thinking about you. Think about that. You were on his mind while he was getting those things. Someone has 25 on his brain.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Originally Posted By: Jim1234
Thanks for the update. You sound like you're doing pretty well.

My $.02... It seems like you are taking this thing with M way too seriously. It's great that you get along, but you seem to be moving too fast in every way but sex. I fear you are getting too emotionally wrapped up in him too quickly.





funny you say that b/c I feel the total opposite. Not that I don't care for M or am not fond of him. I am.

But the sex comment was NOT about him, it was based on an old semi joking NYE' resolution to have sex in 2017. Some of the vets here (KML where are you?) may recall it. That was where the "how Stella got her groove back" movie reference was from.

M is not the guy for that ^^type of thing, but the R with him is well managed for me emotionally, at this point.

We do not intend to get intimate until after his D is final. I get it. He gets it. That may change if it drags out.

But I don't have that constraint, which I've been honest about.

I'm available to date other men But since G seems to want it to go to the next level and I feel ambivalent about him physically, even after 3 dates, I think it'd be unkind to keep going out with him.


The other questions I'm asking are mostly provoking discussions, and getting other's input. But thanks.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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you guys do know I' waited a year to date at all

and met him in a support group where deep talks are had and speakers come and then later on, the group meets at a pizza parlor and has beer?

I mean, this is not some online guy I met for 4 lunches.

But I am very mindful of how distractingly appealing ANY r can be, let alone when we are wounded.

And I'm not healed and neither is he.


My "thing" is, okay put M on the back burner for now FOR HIS reasons since his 4 year sep won't end in divorce till Jan (unless it gets delayed again. Cross that bridge, when we get to it).

So for the immediate future M is someone who plans to date me after the first of the year when his D is final. Okay, I can tell YOU guys, I'm very fond of M, (truly)

but no way would I turn down a date with someone else if they came along and intrigued me. At this point. I'm trying to make this a year of saying YES to life and not worrying about every freaking step I take and how are the kids and will this cost too much, etc


but regardless of whether it leads to a nice long R of some sort, or not, LATER,

why am I having to be celibate now? Or just "not dating"?? Why not date now if I feel like it?

As long as I'm honest AND AS LONG as I am safe, what's the harm?

My honest question (though funny to me) is what one does with a "casual sex" partner afterwards??

Particularly if it was less than rewarding?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Quote:
My honest question (though funny to me) is what one does with a "casual sex" partner afterwards??


Do you mean immediately? You go home.

Longer term? If you're like me, apparently you keep them as friends! Lol

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25, I think it's great you found someone you enjoy spending time with that shares some interests. I worry a little about it becoming your rebound relationship where you fall hard for him, but I'm glad to hear you are cognizant of it.

As far as casual sex, just like kml said, you go home.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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Just be honest with that person. If you are not feeling a person. Don't string them along. Let them know how you truly feel and move on.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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1 remark about dating notes here -

I'm using this as a journal for others and for myself.

And it helps me reflect before making a mistake.


and

3 questions about casual/serious sex

the "going home" afterwards isn't a problem ("oh, sorry, I have to go to Mass now, - at 4 am... See ya!")

but ^^^this means that the encounter is in HIS home, not mine. Which didn't hit me as being how it would occur. Hmmm.

2) AND YET the reality for me - as you may suspect - is that I doubt I'll find casual sex very appealing, sexually. Sure wasn't that way when I was young, b/c with one exception, I've never been with a man I did not love or think i loved. The one exception was with a guy I was dating.

Despite his age (28), and despite the fact that I know he cared for me, the encounter was "disappointing". Once "his party" was over, which happened really fast (but which I attributed to how - you know - appealing I was--,)

I assumed it'd be my turn, you know? But HE was tired and so he put his arm on me and fell asleep.

Then I realized to my horror/amusement, that the party was over for ALL of us - b/c it was over for him. For a guy courting me hard, and for it being our first time, that's amazingly poor judgement.

So in a sense, I use this^^ as an example as to what is likely to happen in a true ONS.
So why the appeal to me at all? I know the men are older and more experienced, but I'm not sure how big a deal that is now.

So why is there any appeal to it, for me?

Good question.

(And I admit if I were a man, I might feel differently, but only about the physical part).


This freedom is the first freedom I've had I'm my life. I am free to do as I wish. Be with whom I wish, and without judgement.


I met h when I was 19...Yes I had high school "love" (and it sure felt like love then, and I still recall it that way), but H threw off my dating game plan.

So a part of this is like I want to be invited to "the party", but not necessarily go to it...make sense?

So is part of the desire to date - to show H (or the world) that I am still desirable?
that I am not a discard? To even the score? It's something to bear in mind for sure.
In fact I bet a lot of 2nd marriages are related to this mistaken or unhealthy urge.

Finally, my DB friends, I remember everything every wise person has said about rebounds.

From my CA therapist who hammered it to me, who made me promise/swear not to marry the first man I dated -(which technically M is not, but I know her meaning)

to the local T who sort of said the same

"enjoy this R and if it's only a R that comforts you in the plane crash, so be it.

But if it also reminds you of who you are inside b/c you forgot all your good qualities

b/c you were given & came to believe some negative false feedback given by someone busy justifying his choices and checking out of the m, (but NOT giving you that memo)

if you now get authentic positive feedback from someone who matters to you -that IS valuable AND IS part of the healing process...

just don't think he's the only source of it, and now It's about being honest and NOT letting the projections get to you or M."

Most of us did a lot of projecting in our m's. Our hopes or our fears...


We projected onto our spouses that they were as invested in our m as we were.


For a LONG time, I did that. I believed h's lies b/c I projected MY VALUES on him and since I would not have lied, why would h? Why not believe him? This caused me to waste huge chunks of time in my life. Like trying to wrap my brain around HOW he could do all this behind my back

sort of like wrapping our brain around a martian's b/c we do NOT have the same values, obviously.

See the problem?

I don't want to project all these great qualities onto M that might not be fair or accurate (or healthy for me).

But I sure do get the appeal of the projections, as if you are in a DEEP REAL relationship far too soon, feels good! And that helps the small amount of insight I have into h replacing me so fast.

- it's much easier to avoid seeing wreckage or to doubt yourself - if there's someone in your line of vision who blocks out the bad images. Someone validating your choices and stroking your back and, whatever...
And now I can see the appeal of having a validating OP in your line of vision, validating you.

I get it.


I worry that one reason for wanting to date others and being "in a relationship" is the desire to show the world (or h) that I AM DESIRABLE! I'm not the rejected! I'm still worthy!

and yes^^I KNOW that's not healthy.

It's real & human, but ultimately not healthy. I know there is no contest, and if there were, I'd have my integrity, zero moral regrets. I'd know that I have not lost a loyal devoted h. But He lost a loyal devoted (funny) wife,

and I lost a lying cheat who was also smart and funny and well built, but he did not marry down in looks. He just resigned from the m without telling me, and had a head start on the new life.

H has lost more than me, whether he knows it or not. Not to mention the r's I have with our kids. But the only "contest" or equation that matters is what WE put on our side.

I'm getting happier and filling my life with a lot of new people and trusted long time friends. I'm back to GAL and I THINK I have a job offer coming. Don't want to jinx it.

Different area (finances) and barely above entry level, but with room to grow. Plus, btw, I need a job!


One last thing about dating - I don't see a high risk TO ME of getting badly hurt by letting someone in my heart IN TIME, or for forward emotional movement to occur,

b/c I cannot imagine being hurt as deeply or betrayed so horribly as I have been by h,

and yet I did not break.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Quote:
So in a sense, I use this^^ as an example as to what is likely to happen in a true ONS.
So why the appeal to me at all? I know the men are older and more experienced, but I'm not sure how big a deal that is now.


Boy, you're making a lot of ASSumptions about that theoretical one night stand.

Now to be fair - I'm not into the one night stand. I like to have some knowledge of the person I'm sleeping with, and at least the sense that there might be a repeat performance.

I've dated men that I knew the relationship couldn't go sny further - either because they were wildly age-inappropriate, or because they were love avoidant, or because (in one case) he told me up front he doesn't "DO" relationships. But that didn't stop us from having lovely, sweet hot and sweaty sex. Affectionate, fun and friendly sex.

Don;t be so worried. And don;t rush to fulfill that artificial deadline. I respect a guy for saying I can wait one more month and then feel like I have the self-respect that I didn't break my vow. That's not how I felt about it after all my ex put me through, but I respect the sentiment.

But don't put so much pressure on sex. Trust me, it'll be fun when it happens.

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25

Been here and keeping reading along with your sitch

You are beginning to heal, nice to read.

But oh so still not detached, that muppet of an eX WH and schmoopie, will one day be a schmoozie and likely cheat

The G is apparently still with the BIT and keeps on going after money......

Oh well

And the BIT looks like an older version of V, didn't start out that way but she is now. I gave up bothering about them a long time ago but then I only had 4.5 years of it and 1.5 of very serious abuse.

I saved my life by getting out so it was worth the cost

Sad about your bruv that must really be a deep concern

Dating, well I haven't done that yet, a number of reasons, firstly I am in no position to do so, I am so so broke and deeply in debt. The judge awarded the G a big chunk of change and my legal bills are crippling. My head until recently has had no space. At 63 I have gone back to college to study law, I love It!

And I just don't find men my own age attractive at all, there is an off switch. It's not the sex, as V has very high drive indeed....

Part of it is the overweight, the excess white stuff on my body isn't pretty, it's horrid and lumpy. And whilst I lost quite a bit then I haven't been in the space to loose more. Aged ma had a long protracted illness and dementia and aged pa died recently of cancer at 96! I love my aged pa. I really love him. He comes first. So the dreaded white stuff is a psychological protective barrier. A big wall of protection, a little more than poor grooming but serves the same function. All of this reminds me I am mortal although I know I will make old bones, don't ask me how but I do.

The younger man Thing? I don't know but I don't lie about my age, it's out there.

Those who know me say I look a tiny bit when slim like Marilyn Monroe (flatterers) at least used to, and it's a look that has an appeal to a certain type of man. Yep, real blonde, which I hate, for years I died my hair dark so I would be taken seriously; now I don't care. The blonde is now splashed with silver. How do you know if someone likes you not your look? Again the white stuff serves that function. Oh and I attract the younger man; I look younger than 63, in the way that aged pa looked like he was in his 70s rather than his 90s. He was handsome, slim and a great dancer. He had no wrinkles at 96, just laugh lines.

I get the dancing thing, as I love dancing, I jive and salsa and SLIC. So that is where I started again, you can dance with someone for two minutes, the length of a song enjoy it then move on and that's delicious, and the opposite sex with all types and ages. Dancing has broken my aversion to being touched, for nearly three years I couldn't bear any male contact, (other than aged pa or clever nephew). Not even shaking hands. It made me wince and bolt. Not good.

I was asked on a date and at the last minute backed out.

I have a male friend who tells me he loves me and has done so for 20 years, but I don't see him as a life partner and besides he would get too serious too soon. Can't cope. So the casual thing I could cope with although going to a date's home would be very frightening for me. I think a hotel for a night would be my choice. That is the way I will break my fast. It's time to lose the weight for the all important Xmas seduction season. Maybe I should be brave, grab the nettle and just get on with it. I scrub up well and the white stuff isn't as much of a problem on casual.

I like sex, no wait I love sex. And my body switches on pretty quickly, hmmmmmm

Anyone who says that goes as you get older is fibbing.....

Yeah, 25 go for it, don't get bogged down by age too much, although being repelled by boring is different. The G couldn't dance although my lovely H1 (who died) was an amazing dancer, dancing with someone is so so so enticing. Glam sis is a great dancer and she says it improves her tennis too as a side benefit, I doubt it would improve my studies in the same way although I could squirm better. It's time I think to get out there, I might tell myself if 25 can then so can I.

25 you are doing just great.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: kml


Don;t be so worried. And don;t rush to fulfill that artificial deadline....... I respect the sentiment.

But don't put so much pressure on sex. Trust me, it'll be fun when it happens.


Lots of wisdom here ^^^^^. I'm glad to hear you have thought things thru about rebounding. I worry less for you now.

I hope you get the job! How exciting! It sure sounds like things are turning around for you!

If you decide you want to just scratch that itch, a few suggestions, which are probably obvious, but you never know...

USE PROTECTION!!!!!!

Do it at his place, so you can leave when you want to.

If he tries to fall asleep afterward, tell him explicitly what you want him to do. Most guys will be delighted, and happy to oblige. Those that do oblige can get another visit days or weeks later, those that don't, don't.

Or don't really let him start until you finish.

Don't spend all night. Cuddle for a while afterward, then tell him you really have to get home. You'll both feel better not waking up next to each other in the morning.

Consider talking to him about your expectations, both immediate, and short term.

USE PROTECTION!!!!

You can meet some stud at a bar and go home with him, or go on a date first so there's at least some connection beforehand. I suggest the date first.

Consider letting him chase you; men like that. But if he isn't, tell him straight up you want to go to his place and get laid.

oh, and USE PROTECTION!!!!

Good luck.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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PROTECTION yes. Check

I am laminating my STD Free card today as a matter of fact and then adding glitter or something. I would think no sex with anyone lacking such proof...

M's goal I do respect & will not be the cause of his slipping. Last night we were making out (my dog was hilarious I swear she wanted in or ON or whatever but no growling, thank God). So the making out was nice but getting heavy and

Finally I pulled away and said "I don't know how to do this - without progressing so let's just not try..." and he agreed.

I don't recall the last time I had to do this since high school but it makes sense.

Am I over the schmoopie thing? In the respect that I KNOW h traded down, yes.

In the sense that she is someone who cut in line to live MY financial life, AND our LEGAL crap is still not over and I have mounting debt

and am so hurt & infuriated AT TIMES

that I need meds... so no. And[b] I KEEP on finding out NEW lies and hidden assets that go back so far, it's like a gut punch all over again. It is THEN that I backslide.

God, How could I have been so duped?

But NO I do not wish to be her OR my h.

And I feel loved where I am. Hopeful about the future. (More to you V, later, I promise)

Today is my birthday

I am NOT changing the age number below, b/c I don't feel like it. cool


But I'm off to celebrate.

xoxo


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Happy Bday 25!!! Drinks on us!!! Enjoy yourself young lady.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Happy birthday! It sounds like you're getting better every day. Good for you!


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
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filed 7/16
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Happy birthday, 25!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Happy (late) birthday 25!! Wait until next June to change your age on your signature and we'll both be the same age grin


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Holy sh*t 25! You're going to hate this; we're only one day apart in age. We could've been conjoined twins!

Happy Birthday! (Slightly belated.) My gift to you is that I won't pick on you for the rest of the day.

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Happy birthday 25.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I've decided why on earth would I change my age HERE?

That might mean changing from "25yrs", to 35, etc.?

I will say that most men my age look, - you know, their age. Which is often fine. But often they look a lot older or I look younger

NOT bragging, just observing. I want sparks folks. Smarts/hearts/sparks. Don't know what order but admit that in life we tend to spot the attractive ones first and then investigate.

Anyone have it start the other way? I think one intimacy happens, the bonding and sparks might come alive.

I am saying the one thing I miss about h is his physique. Damn & he could really dance and we were a good team.

But the kindnesses shown to me by G and M, (especially M who spends time in thought about things I like, and he's who I'm spending time with now)

his acts at times are almost startling kindnesses.

Which usually makes me feel great but I have moments where I wonder what the heck I had done to myself in the m, putting up with getting SO LITTLE back...

I lowered my expectations of h so much and picked up the slack on everything else.

Still baffles me that HE is angry at ME, really crazy mad, and at times (per my brother) really concerned he's going to get screwed

and this (H's head space) matters ONLY b/c we are in settlement talks AGAIN.

I countered today based on law, and let my brother guide it so my L wouldn't keep saying "but he won't take it."

WELL, TRY PLEASE!! (I really want to play poker someday with my L, and WIN).

My brother can then call h and "splain" how it might be if we go to trial b/c h is - I hope and believe, NOT going to win.

So settle it now and set me free and go earn your gazillions in gold with your schmoopie.

Though I find myself pretty darn happy that rumors have it their "match is not made in heaven" and that Schmoopie "not up to his level/not very smart and sure as hell NOT funny" -


my true goal in the future, I believe/hope and pray, is that h becomes irrelevant.

God help me.

50+ more days and maybe we can really be done.

Oh, btw, he has not filed taxes for 2016 but hopes we can file together. (Saves money!)

That's nice EXCEPT I'm getting penalized for him delaying, again....idiot.

Back to my new life - 2 of my kids are coming for Christmas, M assembled a media tower thing, thank God he's good at that

and he helped me get my tree in and set up. It was a big deal to me.

His travel schedule may suck for a long time and then I can - exit, stage left. But for now, it's nice. (Long distance m did not work so well for me, why enter another long distance r? Again I'm giving M time b/c he's making changes like moving here to his HQ and trying to get an assignment here)...

ANYONE try a matchmaker service like tawkify?

Just wondering. Seems a lot better than online dating, more like blind dating.

Just a thought for down the road maybe.

thanks for listening and yes I'm better in general.

But at times I feel like a black sheep failure, l worry A LOT about my youngest child, and still find myself periodically fuming at h.

My job prospects are decent and ALL UNRELATED to law, so I'm starting over.

So yeah, that ticks me off. I try to reframe it. (Look, I'm eating gluten!)


H lost a wife who truly was LOYAL and that is just a FACT even he must know.

I did not lose a great h or father. Just a good earner who looks good. And once upon a time we were in love or it sure seemed that way.

But what was a bittersweet tragic end to a marriage has become a strange ugly ORDEAL totally unnecessary.

Ugh


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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question

why do you think the party who in most people's eyes was more at fault (not completely and I played a role, etc)

but in the last 26 months for sure, so much deceit on H's ends, the stealing all the marital money from our joint accounts (*NOT a crime btw, but recoverable if you have the resources to pursue them)

and all the crap I've already posted here

why is HE so damn angry at ME? And so detached from our kids???

And from what I can tell, he's cancelled ALL life insurance policies so our kids (not just me) get nothing from him.

I think or assume that Schmoopie gets it all.


35 years and all the holidays (MOST) without a dad around, the thousands of nights and so much missed TIME

and then they get kicked to the curb for some tundra woman up there.

Dark thoughts today but I'm going to a meeting and will snap out of it.

There's no way to make some of h's actions into anything other than ugly,

so I guess it goes to what I do with my actions so the kids have one sane parent.

God, I hope they don't turn into weird spouses decades from now, or ever



My friend M is a good man. He really tries and he listens. Don't know if we are just in the right place t the right time to help each other thru the sucky plane crash part - but it's very good to have a special friend help you in those dark moments. They get it.

BTW we both agree never to disparage the other's former spouse, (whom we've never met) b/c we find it so offensive

and b/c we are NOT schmoopies.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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As I come to what may finally legally end my 35 year (36 if you count the separation year, which I'm not) marriage,

I know I will reflect and comment here. What I have learned (and it won't all be about how terrible a h or marriage I had was,)

and what I wish I had known. There are no time machines, but in the marriage if there are "issues" - then DEAL WITH THEM THEN - problems do not go away & they won't magically improve with time, like a fine wine.

So don't spackle over the red flags b/c you are so attracted to your mate or SO invested in the marriage that you overlook some things....
Overlooking certain things is not the way to save a marriage.


I have more GDC to deal with, and last night at DivorceCare (which is 90% helpful, 10% a bit too preachy for me with the videos)

a KID from a divorce was our speaker. It was powerful. Damn sad but WE all know this, don't we?


I have 2 of my kids coming for Christmas for a week. SO MY NEW PLAN is all about projecting how well I am doing and focussing on THEIR lives.

My health crap from a year ago terrified them so first off they need to know I'm focussed and okay now (mostly) and I want my kids to see me as empowered and healing, AND forward looking.

Me, the NEW East Coast Mama, moving forward...

(Though I reserve the right to move west again!!)

THEY need to know I'm okay and now they need to be MY focus. I've been too pre-occupied with my own pain and health issues and now that my health seems to be pretty good

the only thing I can DO for my kids is by my actions - and not spending time discussing the div (I will briefly answer their questions but then leave it at that).

My quandary is that they have asked me NOT to defend h, but they also -- I FEEL - that they also seem saddened by discussions of h.

I don't want to cover for h again, but there's a fine line between that and bashing him.


Circling back to the original point (projecting my new healing life and checking in on my kids pain b/c even though they are "grown", they are still made up of half of his DNA). He is part of who they are. Trashing him in any way is subconsciously at least, trashing a part of them.

And what's to say? For the most part , H's behavior speaks for itself. No need for me to comment, really.

SECOND

My kids are meeting some of my new friends when they are here and I asked if they were comfortable meeting M, "a guy I'm dating".

I made it very clear this is NOT THE MEETING of your new daddy!" cry

M & I just began dating 3 months ago, but as he's only here in the area, for 2 nights over the holidays and one of those nights I'm hosting a gathering anyhow.

I specifically asked both kids (which I know I've done before but wanted to confirm)

Kids both said "totally fine" "glad to hear you are finally dating", ("finally?" ouch)

and "mom, it's no big deal".
And then D20 said "thank GOD you're dating someone who treats you well!")

a little bittersweet^^ but mostly sweet. And some of their cousins will be there so they have millennials and "their people" too.

It's a group setting and the first real "gathering" I've hosted since moving into my place.

Yay!

I did give it a lot of thought. Thing is I don't want to "overthink it" (as my brother said).

Meeting some of my HUGE family of extroverts (as M did 2 nights after Thanksgiving) - by adding a few "extra folks" is not the same as "presenting" someone to them.

They know the difference, so does M, and so do my kids.

My family likes him, btw. They say he "Seems very kind/smart" but hey, if my kids notice something I have "overlooked", I'll listen.

S31 already asked about projecting too much onto M and I said "that's exactly what we discuss in DivorceCare and I was absolutely guilty of that in the m. Good point, but one which I'm aware of."


DBers, if anything, I'm over scrutinizing M for any red flags while also trying to just go with the flow and enjoying our time together.

M and I may well be like those passengers on a plane crash who help each other navigate through a horrible time, but are not meant to be together. And I'm quite okay with that.

so I think I'm doing okay.

Back to being MORE than okay and helping my kids see the new me and faking it till I make it.

cool


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
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Girlfriend,
I'm slowly coming back around, and it sounds like you are healing nicely.

You'd be surprised how often you cross my mind.

I mean, for someone I've never met. LOL.

Merry Christmas to you, dear friend. ((((( 25 ))))))


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Thanks Leahsue

weird news from my L today. The bad parts are that h listed his Alaskan address before getting there, before I knew, so it should not amaze me but it makes me think even less of him.

And far more painfully, is that h has been taking schmoopie and her d on all sorts of trips (NOT spending a cent on our own children), including trips to his dad's ranch so that means my kids grandparents know SOME of this. They cannot believe h's lies so much that not seeing their ONLY grand daughters (real ones, I mean) makes sense with his narrative?

WHILE supposedly paying Schmoopie rent of $2300 for a place that absolutely does not justify it. Would love to see the lease terms. So yeah, more lies and lies under oath...

If he's living off the same pension I am, he's lying again. He was able to get a big personal loan but I can't, yet supposedly we have the same income.

How does HE get it -- oh wait, unless he's working...oh yeah. Or someone co-signed.

But what hurt the most of course is that he's taking someone else's child to see my kids grandparents, and fun sunny trips, and not even seeing our children.



OTOH

The Karma news is that

1) h had no idea "Shocked" to learn that if he works again (as if he ever stopped) I get part of it.

So he did not understand the meaning of the upcoming hearing. Like if he was found not to owe me spousal support because he "retired" but THEN BEGINS working, I get PART OF IT. How could he not know this? Thought he'd just borrow and fake retirement only to learn that I will go after money he earns or can earn, was a plan he must have come up with - without a lawyer of worth.


His L told mine that he (the L) was "dumbfounded" that H did not realize the whole point of this hearing on Ground Hog Day is that if h really CAN or really IS working at $$ amount of income, I get alimony for the next 5 years.

So his spending almost a year's worth of spousal support to avoid paying me for the 5 years anyhow, (which I believe is likely) when he planned to work again the whole time
is foolish.

If I "lose" and h is determined to be honestly retired, he CANNOT work again and not pay me...get it? He's cutting his nose off to spite his face. But did not know this! What???

how do I not blurt this [censored] out to my kids?

OKAY I know how, I know, it's about their having fun and feeling loved and it's NOT about another betrayal of his or how much pain their mom is in.

It's about my health, physically and emotionally and getting my life together etc


Finally, KARMA

I am embarrassed to admit I enjoyed hearing this from my lawyer, but it's a piece of KARMA

so h has been taking trips (far away from where any of his fan base might be) to a place that specializes in new ED treatments...

hmmm, it was only an occasional problem for us

My new bf M, while we are taking things slowly, let's just say I know enough to know M has no such problem yet.

MIND YOU **I don't begrudge guys running into this -it's a normal aging thing just as we women run into menopause and have to deal with it and have to get treated for it.
And there are treatments.


I get that! But to know it has happened to h within a year of him finding the 'Love of his life" without that history with me, yeah, it gave me a little bit of a lift.

Sorry universe, I wish I felt more compassion for him or indifference and I think I am getting there. I THINK I'm feeling like at least I won't miss the great sex I had with h b/c guess what? That's gone anyhow...and he went really far away for the treatment...

I'd never ever have made him do that.

Coupling the reality that the money he's spending on OTHER people and their kid, instead of our own family or just paying me, hurts like he11,

with the fact that he's having ED problems (and the fortune he's spending on that)

AND his not knowing that when/if he openly works he has to pay me money

all seemed to mesh into a weird BAD PLAN of his. but maybe a better plan for me...we countered today with a number that is reasonable BUT high and goes to his age of 67, so a number lower is how it'll work out. I said I would not take less than X while my brother was on the phone, with my L.


H's BAD plan - b/c he has done some bad bad things to me and to our children,

and I know the only way he can emerge from this fiasco of hurting the 4 people who loved him the most

a fiasco HE created,

and then emerge unscathed means he is be someone with a darkness in him that I want no part of. Really, the ego wants an awakening in him and my heart prays he restores some sort of R with the kids...

but this guy I'm reading about on the credit card bills and hearing about his behavior and seeing what he writes makes me think he's just nuts. No, I mean that. WTF?


So back to East Coast 25....New healed mama my kids do not have to worry about

gotta not care about h's own mess. What a selfish idiot who has deluded himself into lunacy.

Okay, I gotta calm down before my kids get here. Nothing to say to them about it, right?

I mean, I don't want to cover for him and maybe the kids have seen the photos of their family trips on FB

and are protecting ME!! Ugh. cry

I have to be more like that for them.


When I imagine them knowing all this (except the ED part) and protecting ME

then It helps me to STFU and not blurt out. Why would I? to get them to hate him more which is so harmful to them.

Yeah glad i'm writing this out...

And honestly, my guess is that h did not expect a lot of these consequences. Historically when h's plans fail or don't work out, he blames. I think his malignant entitlement was so deeply engrained and I was so blind to it, that whatever he wanted he grabbed for.

And then oops, people he "cared about" (I can't tell what he really feels so I won't guess but I THINK he loved/loves our kids)

are not part of his life anymore...

These days I assume he Just fumes and hates me, but I have no control over that. And I'm not sure who he blames for his ED problems, b/c we ML the morning he left...

FINALLY

So everyone - as the holidays approach let us recall that many D Days happen at this time,

so let's reach out in our thoughts & hearts to those who are getting their D Days this holiday (a lot do) b/c of OP's pressure for gifts or commitments, leave the wife/h, etc

and let's be grateful to know the valuable things we have learned from this ordeal.
And for leading authentic lives.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
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except for the catty part of the ED issue, which may NOT be an issue b /c maybe h is buying or investing in a new treatment for patients that will yield h money (which I'm all for) -


my snarky chuckling about him having a possible ED issue, is beneath me.

My L was howling and I went with it, but now I feel bad about it.

And like I said, at some point, ALL of us are going to have issues of some form, menopause or ED, or illness or whatever.

We need supportive spouses for these times. Loyal partners, which I was but which I lacked. And which I resented...

Then I think about the FB posts of h calling his schmoopie the "love of his life" just weeks after we sep and BEFORE I even knew he was dating...his leaving me sick, and taking all the savings we had (outside the retirement accounts - which btw ARE frozen now, so neither of us can borrow from them).

I think and can SEE in these disclosures, all the money he spent on her and HER Daughter - with nothing for our kids -OUR d20 got financial aid and works 2 jobs and my son got her that grant for her college. H sent her nothing.

OMG, I guess I have to turn this over, just let God handle h and get back on my new "East Coast 25" path. New choices for MY present and MY future

but I feel like crying again. Damn - how could he abandon our family twice?

H had a tendency to repeat the same mistakes as he did before, which is odd for an educated person,

or maybe it's all about self awareness and reflecting on our choices...and hiding from the remorse or shame we MIGHT feel if we really reflected

which = getting back on our own paths.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25, he will probably, in some way, twist the narrative so it is your fault. So what? Everyone else knows the truth, at least everyone that's important to you, including his parents.

Can't you subpoena the lease, and record of payment, and all the other financial documents you need? In particular, I would ask for the bank statement immediately before he drained the account, and make him explain to the judge where the money went, and why you aren't entitled to half those marital assets.


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25, he will probably, in some way, twist the narrative so it is your fault. So what? Everyone else knows the truth, at least everyone that's important to you, including his parents.

Can't you subpoena the lease, and record of payment, and all the other financial documents you need? In particular, I would ask for the bank statement immediately before he drained the account, and make him explain to the judge where the money went, and why you aren't entitled to half those marital assets.


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[quote=Jim1234]25, he will probably, in some way, twist the narrative so it is your fault. So what? Everyone else knows the truth, at least everyone that's important to you, including his parents.

I hear you & I thank you...but I miss and seem to have lost his parents...


His parents are unusual. MIL is wife #4 but is a widow so she entered with no baggage and wants to be married to her first h whom she dearly loved and had 5 kids with. It's known that FIL is NOT the "love of her life".

FIL is on wife #4 and the first 3 all left him. The 2nd one was a woman he really loved. He lost her and then did not change for #3, but when #4 came along he had hit rock bottom and, #4 was indeed different.

She was a widow for 3 years, and self made millionaire. She did not need FIL's money.

Yes SHE likes me but may well believe some long narrative h has spun about me b/c I have learned from mutual friends he complained a lot about me to his peeps. Some of them said "tell 25, but btw, so what? I mean, you think she could be neater? Hire a freaking housekeeper. You have the money!"

(Like "Collusion" where he wanted others to see how someday if he left, it'd be okay. He never ever told ME these things, which is cowardly and disloyal.

I was never told "the house was too messy" or that It was MY responsibility to clean it and mind you - this was also while I worked full time. And he's not a clean guy other than HIS closet...)
The FIL is obviously able to move from one to the other and NOT look back, often...

Better example of a strange double standard...h Told MY OWN brother I spent too much money in Alaska.

Now let me just argue ONE point as briefly as I can, to give you an example of what I now know must have been happening a LOT longer than I realized. And to whom? I'll never know...

H would complain (to me as well) about the phone bill (1997) but to be fair we had moved to Alaska FOR H and I was 8 months pregnant. I knew no one, had just moved from San Antonio where I had a wonderful support group and friends and weather I liked, and then moved to "Mars" and given birth, moved first to a basement apartment b/c housing was not available, and then we had to BUY a home up there in Fairbanks. Could we have changed our lives more for him? Nope and he said NOTHING grateful to any of us. It was a big sacrifice we tried to make exciting for the kids but I had a lot of fears. The kids did not love it but dang they made the best of it.

Okay so there we were with H spending weekends fishing/hunting and me with a baby - in the winters the temps go below -40'F (less that means colder than -40' but that's about the average temp for the cold times, with -25' about average. Newborns lungs cannot handle that so you keep them in or wrapped up A LOT and not outside, just from the garage/car to the next one. So you are housebound if you have a newborn.

And the kids age 8/11 tagging along with dad or helping me out. Great eh?

So I spent $400 on the first month of her life, and probably spent $3000 over the 3 years there. Email got better and helped. I joined things and did a LOT of fun GAL things that cost very little or were cheap. H and I both took flying lessons with had been on MY bucket list for years.

I'm not proud of that phone calling, okay? But I needed comfort and company and he left me lonely so much. And he was an MD and earning plenty of money,

but HERE is what gets me and what makes me think he's a narcissist of some sort.

One day HE brought home a snowmobile ($3500+) without any discussion with me.

I would have agreed to the purchase!! OMG, what fun! But I was left out of it. Totally.
Almost an act of contempt.

He bought it bragging and happy but without ANYONE'S input...

Then he brought home a boat! - also without my participation or any discussion. Seriously.

Then a trailer to carry the boat!


and the grand finale was an All Terrain Vehicle (for hunting in inaccessible areas)

that costs, God knows what ($8-15k?)

But the kicker of insanity?

The day before our anniversary he asked me for my opinion FOR an ATV AS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT -- (??) for "us"??

I said "but H, we already have the snowmobile and boat, and the ATV isn't all that useful here (we lived near THE trail from the pipeline 50 yards from us, plus really only h would be able to use this "gift" much)

INSTEAD

---since my back had long been injured AND I had trouble with steps and hot tubs helped with back pain so much, AND because I feared the coming winters,

I said " a hot tub out here at night would be so great for all of us! We could be outside in the COLD but feel warm and see the northern lights!" (I know my kids and I and yes h, would all have enjoyed it.)

So the next day -our anniversary he brought home the ATV..and it hurt my feelings b/c it's not as if he even bothered to look for a hot tub, and he had a goofy (embarrassed?) look on his face and literally said nervously,

"Happy Anniversary??"

And we never got a hot tub.

Yeah, it was embarrassing b/c it symbolized how unimportant I was to him.

I doubt he even took in how the kids would have enjoyed a hot tub there. Extending the amount of time outside in the winter....My God he's been so selfish for so long and until we lived in Alaska it was apparent. That's where it first manifested.

I spent too much on phone bills there...YES I did,

but he really had lowered the expectations of himself so low or had SUCH a high entitlement sense, it never occurred to him that his double standards were insane. Or that I was lonely there and all day with a newborn baby and no way to meet people.

I wish I had said then and there, (but in a healthy way)

"WTF is wrong with you??"


Can't you subpoena the lease, and record of payment, and all the other financial documents you need?

First off, yes to the banks in CA, but the subpoenas in Alaska IF he's banking there and I bet he is, means hiring a lawyer up there to then issue subpoenas, and although that's doable, there are other things in the works that may make it semi irrelevant. But I have the bank statements from the banks we used at time of separation (unless of course he had others up there).

He's POSSIBLY getting closer to a buy out for alimony. That is an issue determined in one hearing based on HIS refusal to pay any. But he's made some offers recently.

In the debate for spousal support (in CA) the only issue is his earning capacity versus mine. I feel confident that we will win on THIS issue


At a separate hearing (more legal $$$) I can go for the money he took, half of which was mine AND which he grabbed while I was impaired (which I have proof of including our son's testimony).

And I will go for the money he retained from the Army backpay, and the other violations of the court orders and then, the LAST year of support he did not pay will be considered arrearages. But I THINK those come at a later date.

I know what the accounts of the local banks said the day before he drained it, and he owes me tens of thousands. But guess what? It's NOT a crime to take all the money out of a joint account, though it's "frowned upon" (& as a lawyer, I literally never heard someone say to go for more than half UNLESS you feared the other spouse was about to waste it all and then you "better keep good records of where you put it- don't spend it" so I thought it was the law)

but if a guy absconds with the life savings of a spouse (joint account), the other spouse has to go after that stolen money which takes money...and i personally am pursuing a change of legislatIon for that. I'll keep you posted. It's happening way more often than one thinks.

Your questions below - I am entitled to half the accounts (probably $80k in random savings accounts THAT I KNOW OF

and to half the Army backpay of $46k and half the retirement accounts which are now frozen, thank God.

He may have taken $100k out of that but I can find that out. God, I'd never have believed this 2 years ago. NEVER! Sure had seizures and got foggy at the worst of times...

So the answer is yes I'm entitled to it and then h will say "oops I paid taxes and um don't know the rest of it but I spent it so good luck finding it or getting it back....I took a lot of trips with Schmoopie and HER daughter...while our last child gets nothing - gosh I cried hard about that.

My wish is that one judge hears all of the testimony and not 3 different hearings with pieces missing. Then give me the cash h can give and ALL the retirement accounts and I'll keep the half of pensions (he threatens those as if he can take them away from me. But it's community property and we were married 35 years and ALL those years crossed over his service.)


But all good questions. H will come out ahead financially. H will earn more and has stolen and hidden more. This is simply true.

But he's lost a great family and the respect of dozens of friends who know us both. He's lost MY family, and as much as I miss his dad and step mom, he's lost more. My family is huge and smart and hilarious and soooo fun. H's family will soon have to be shmoopie's family and though she strikes MY sisters as white trash, I'm sure there are decent folks in it and h needs to feel a part of a family.

At some point, (2-3 years from now??) I would think he'd let some good memories resurface. But I don't know for sure. And since his narrative forces me to be the villain, and himself as the victim AND since his fan club up there supports that, all I can hope for is that my kids eventually have a relationship with him of some sort.

H will inherit and probably disinherit our kids so schmoopie can leave it all to HER schmoopie junior (no offense to her daughter but this is a very sore spot to me).

It made me cry hard to think of how he replaced me AND them...but I have to be in the Christmas 2018 25" mode in hours.

So for now, that's it. THANKS for checking in.


Thanks


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PS

H wants the divorce to be "bifurcated" so we can separate the finances and marital status so he can be single.

So he can remarry i presume. Yeah it hurts. But it angers me and I also want ONE question answered.

What's in it for me? I get freer sooner but does it cost me? Why should l let go of the leverage?

Seems schmmopie OW will want even more of the money MY kids deserve and I deserve so why would I agree to this?

But I hate looking as if I'm holding onto h.

And the idea that he'd marry the woman he basically "landed on" when he arrived and knew I would not join him,

is so stupid and so cliched I shake my head.

Good luck with the character transplant b/c otherwise, no amount of money is with it

but I'm wrong aren't I?

H has A fib and OW sees the mansion of FIL and the ranch of MIL and thinks SHE will inherit a great life style.

some of that is true. But h lost a wife would have wiped his butt every day of his life if he stroked out, he lost a loyal woman who loved him, put up with a LOT of crap and forgave a ton of things

only to ignore all of that and still criticize and never really say THANK YOU FOR STICKING BY ME WHEN I WAS A JERK


yeah, sometime we are not rewarded the way we hope to be.

OTOH, the man he is now and perhaps always was for decades (he's been selfish for a LONG time, with some breaks & a few bones tossed my way)

and no, I would not marry HIM, again. Gotta remind myself of that.

Btw,

Do I tell my kids any of this^^? They probably know


Our oldest d texted this to me and it made me realize what a fool h is

"since none of us have much money this Christmas but all we really want is time together, maybe we should save our money and put it towards a way to make time together happen. Like a trip back to see mom or somewhere in between to see a new place..."


All we ever wanted was time together.
H decided only money mattered and then he kept seeking it elsewhere (far from us, often) and then he resented the alienation he created by being gone so much, and the feeling he was being used for money. (As opposed to what, quality time and deep talks?)

That became his only function when he chose to use work as his ONLY activity, with a few intense expensive hobbies of his own, which we were sometimes welcome to join him in.

He created the problems that broke our family apart. I know I played a part but I swear to you I'm not sure where, exactly. Complacency for sure. Fear of leaving, undermined self esteem

started doubting myself and now at age 58, I'm starting in a new field b/c my law degree from Texas is getting me nowhere here in DC.


I've sent out 100 resumes and the only interviews I get are from people I KNOW from high school.

I just want enough to have a home my family & grandkids can visit, and take a trip now and then.

M and I are still seeing each other but trying to keep our pasts in the past.

Prayers for a good settlement are welcome people, maybe this calendar year!!

(I think the tax bill affects payor of alimony so h may be motivated...)

And if the bifurcation of the marital status and the money make no difference, which would surprise me, I won't object.

My guess is there's major pressure to "lock this down" to make sure it appears h was RIGHT to blow up our family.

SEE??? It wasn't HIM!! It was me/us/them/other states!

If he only knew how the babysitter we used to have, actually saw him, as she told her mom, "I used to like DrH but now I think he's a jerk. Why would he post those gross pictures of him with OW? No one normal does that, not even teenagers and if I saw my old 16 y/o boyfriend do that after we just broke up, I would hate him for it and so would all my friends...."

My 25 y/o niece said "it's just so weird".


H's bff said "way over the top, looked staged...not sure why. We're so sorry."


Again, not telling kids, right? What a lovely way for them to find out though, so brave of him to have said NOT A WORD TO ME SINCE SEPARATION....

after 35 years. POS


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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to be clear

the "time together" message was written by d28 to ME and her siblings - not H.

H is just "gone" for all practical purposes;. Dropped off the planet or arctic circle //

Maybe he will send money to the kids for Christmas, or text them "Merry Christmas" the day after Christmas, like last year...

I'm blessed with true friends and kids who love me. I am seeing a man so different from h (not as handsome I guess and I still have that stupid spark for h that I KNOW is not authentic love, or at least not healthy---I am working on it b/c it is NOT = "being in love")

but M is very kind and uber smart and puts in EFFORT into the r, and yes, the sparks are getting there...the trifecta

which, come to think of it - I could not get with h again anyhow.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Quote:
Why should l let go of the leverage?

THIS. I never understood why anyone would agree to bifurcation, because you do lose leverage to bring them to the table.

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How are you doing girl? Holidays with the kids ho ok?

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Go ok lol

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Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
Why should l let go of the leverage?

THIS. I never understood why anyone would agree to bifurcation, because you do lose leverage to bring them to the table.


Well if you lack a legit objection you don't have leverage. You lose the motion in opposition, which costs more and potentially makes you look like you are hanging on.


Finally Since the pensions are in line with finally working, (i.e. supposedly being sent directly to me--so far only one has happened that way) and b/c I am getting health coverage, my L says I do not have leverage enough. Am I overwhelmed by her "adequate advocacy"? Nope.

Also this hearing is solely about spousal support, which is our biggest disagreement so it's later in yet another hearing, $$$$$ that I'll seek attorney's fees based on sanctions AND need, and the property division remains. That is somewhat clear, but I want the

Like our joint assets he took ***which is NOT A CRIME --can you believe it? Fraud, yes, shitty, yes.

(Ownit if you are out there, that is something I want to change. Legislatively I mean.

Judges ought to be able to punish the thieves - just like the IRS does for evaders.

I want women (or men) in my position, who were impaired or just had all the JOINT accounts blocked or stolen right before or during a sep/divorce,

NOT to just get their half back (after spending money to get what was theirs in the first place!)

I want it to yield the victim more than half now. In my situation, b/c h stole it and defrauded me when I was impaired. What a jerk.

The IRS does not tell a tax evader "oh, you underpaid. Sounds rough. So give us what you owe and only that, now." (If the IRS did that, then what's the downside or risk the tax evader takes when evading?)

In my idea, the person who steals the money from a joint account with the intent to defraud or retain community joint funds, ought to have to pay more than their spouse's half back. Even if only paying a fine to the court and even if it does not go back to the innocent spouse (which is my preference of course--at least refund the costs spent by the innocent spouse who had to go thru hoops to get their share)

= it would punish the wrong doer. Motivate people NOT to do it. I was always told that "judges frown upon taking more than half" but what does that mean?

I say mandate that the judges have the discretion to give more & maybe increases the judge's motivation. H did this to me days after I was released from a neurology ICU.

I don't think federal banks are easy to lobby and I doubt they can be counted on to say "yes we NOT require a notarized copy for why you want ALL of this money" b/c there are many legit reasons one spouse might want all of joint funds one day - getting that retirement RV, etc.

Or the defrauder could get 1/4 of the money, a few times to "invest/buy a car/special jewelry" etc and still get away with it.

I suspect banks would oppose any federal laws about this, I get it.

But here's the problem.

I've got 5 women in my Divorcecare who have h's who took ALL their life savings from joint accounts, leaving these women (all over 50, including a 64 y/o married for 40 years) and all 5 men have OW's on the side whom they now live with and seem to justify this or "want to live while they can". It's incredible b/c these are not serial killers yet have the same type of conscience I saw when practicing criminal law.

So where do these women go? One is to live in her son's attic and some will end up on welfare.


This is WRONG. It has to be stopped or at least decreased.


BACK TO EARTH...

In some ways I don't want to fight the bifurcation. Makes me look needy and I'm not sure it does affect me financially. Let him marry OW schmoopie and let me free too. Enjoy each other, OW/H. Marrying the rebound is just brilliant H.

Zero contact with our kids over the holidays, btw. Not a word from h, OR his parents OR his brother. I texted BIL on Christmas and that evening he texted me back, no one else with a "Merry Christmas to all".

I know they are not my family, I know they are not people who reach out and they may feel ANY contact with me is awkwardly and disloyal to h. But really, nothing for our kids from any of them? I cannot imagine erasing someone or a family that was created.

I stayed in touch or tried to, with each SIL of mine.

Only those who broke my siblings hearts were erased, but they attended my parent's funerals and were welcomed there...

All nieces/nephews are in our lives. No child was left behind the way my kids seem to be.

Our son 31, or should I say MY s31 and his gf, visited his grandfather/grandmother (she's been married to FIL for 25 years, but is not the bio grandma) at Thanksgiving.

It was with the understanding that H/ OW would not be there. I did not request this and did not bring it up.

But it bothers me deeply that some months ago, h texted our d's saying "I love you very much and will reach out after the divorce."

So a Merry Christmas or a Happy Birthday or a gift, would hurt his legal interests?

I think the opposite IF it ever gets in front of a judge.

Gotta let go of so much.


M and I get alone well and we COMMUNICATE a lot. I mean, it's hard not to want to plug him right into the slot of "Significant other" b/c we fit well.

And there's probably a lot of projection on both our parts, going on. But I do know for a fact that we are both self aware.

It helps.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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PS

Some friend of mine without common sense sent me a ton of photos of OW. As YOU all know, I prided myself on never looking.

Sheesh, moron (the friend -no impulse control) but anyhow, I barely looked once i realized what she had sent me (the friend, not the OW)

but i read one post of OW's and it was "I don't care who my ex marries, they're getting my left overs".

WTF does that mean? Is she writing it to HER ex b/c he remarried? Why does she care
at all who her ex marries?

Does she have to marry my h now, to even things out and "win" that contest too?
And

Who posts crap like that anyhow?


Another random question for you all--

I don't think h has ever considered that I might be dating. He seems more focused on HIS being free to marry OW

and his L mentioned in negotiations about the risks of an alimony buy out (=lump sum ahead of time, so that I waive the right to more support later, but we are DONE and I know he can't go back to court every year to whittle it down or when I work and get a raise,

then he cannot reassess the amount and yank me back to court and his lawyer said h risks , that " I might die right after a buy out," (lovely) meaning that he'd have "paid HIS money for nothing" (like our kids inheriting from me, would be for nothing...)

whereas the idea I might remarry - has never occurred to either of them---would mean he'd have "paid me all HIS money" only to have me marry OM next week. The buy out means I can remarry.

(No, it's not my plan.) But gosh, it would be fun to marry M the day after the spousal support buy out, you know, just to enjoy all h's support - all of which I EARNED and more, God knows...).

I guess the fact that h has not considered it, feels insulting. And it's goofy that I give a darn. Can't wait till I don't care about h anymore. WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN??

It's not about M, I don't think. Though he helps me to heal.

And unlike H, I won't post photos on FB about M and I dating (that R is progressing nicely, btw)

b/c

1) I don't feel the need for the world to know what's happening in my private life, though I did change my name on FB; my marital status remains private

and

2) M has an ex wife whom I've never met. I bear her no ill will. I will not disparage her. Or humiliate her or hurt her, if I can avoid it-

M has a 20 y/o son too. Why would M or I want either of them to see me and him together on fb?

M's son says he supports M dating, that he "expects" his dad to date, but that is not the same as saying "go ahead now, and see someone in particular and post on FB".
And I think M's ex will date too, though M does not think that at all.

AND fwiw, a lot of men in my divorcecare class assume their ex won't ever date. What is that about? Egos? Is that what my h believes? Why wouldn't I date? Because I"m waiting or just so undesirable? I'm just saying that 5 of the 6 men in my group believe their ex wives will "never date". Just odd...

Anyhow, no FB posts about how HAPPY I AM with NEW MAN in my life...b/c

I'm not H. Different values, different moral compasses. Sooooo

I have how many days left till Ground Hog Day? 3-4 weeks.

Prayers please.

Hey, here's to making 2018 what WE need and want it to be. Better. Healthier (wealthier, please) and kinder, with more joy and more love.

For all of us.

M and I may merely be passengers on a plane crash who comfort each other in the aftermath or during the crash itself. Maybe that's what this R is.

And you know what? That's okay with me right now. But he sure is more interested in the R itself than h probably ever was. M is interested even when he's not wanting affection, etc.

I think part of healing is being on your own enough, to get to know yourself. To know you are alright alone, even at peace.

AND for me, THEN the part of healing is knowing that a man finds me really attractive, personally appealing, which M calls a "positive energy and vibe" that I give off and that I'm sexy and funny and smart,

(and all the other stuff you guys don't even know about how great I am!)

This stage of healing is where I'm ready to hear it, think it's true, mostly, and not go and marry the kindly man, just for stroking my ego.

It's like the final stitches on a gaping chest wound or something...there will be a scar, but it's a lot better.

And yes, I am for real, taking it slow with M. But it taught me about H and the other WAS's who seek out APs and get overly familiar too fast.

They crave being in a couple --they are used to it and H was in Alaska where he had few real friends---

but they don't want to face the wreckage their departure left behind. Plus for h, it is literally FAR away and out of sight.

It must seem FAR FAR easier to start over, with new fans all around, or so they believe. And in the short run, it must be. Maybe even the long run if they can avoid looking around for long, or forever.

OR what if they literally do not care much about it. What if the family and marriage they left behind is simply not that much of a priority to them? In a sense, it's obviously true.

That hurts but it's also -- if true - a mark on them, not you.

Down the road, with grandchildren, weddings and graduations, I can only wonder.

Okay - Good night all. Sorry for the length of this. Thanks for catching up too.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Gracious 25 takes me forever to read your posts and chew on them.

Suddenly I sense anger!

As you know I love anger in a poster as it marks a new phase when it's directed.

All I can say is go get 'em tiger. Scheming little manipulative small minded, waster of a jerk wad.

You know I love you, right?

So I truly want to see you screw him into the ground, mince his innards. His little thing won't work because hahaha he ain't attracted to OW.

She doesn't juice him up.

The cold got his balls of jelly.

And the only Alaska he will get is the ice cream puff kind.

Go out get more than your ego stroked by kindly man. I recollect Sunny got herself some saucy undies and had a great time. Greengrass acquired some push up bras and low cut dresses and red kick ass heels. I loved Greengrass and her sassy stuff including rainbow eyes.


You are young, well compared to V you are and deserve some sweet loving.

So let me actively encourage you to bolster those girls, lift your spirits and go get em.

In court V had her sassy on, no hiding the effect that had, in fact L said go get less glam tomorrow. Mind you I needed every big knicker in sight to hold it all and prevent the wobble. Soon my own muscles will do it.

Clench those buttons cheeks, puff out that chest, because honey you have something that grot features don't have! Style and gumption.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi 25, I'm still following along.

As to your legislation idea, I agree with you. I also think this would be a great project for you to take on in your state. You have people rounded up and stories to tell. I'm looking for a fight. I'd be happy to take it on in my state too.

Why shouldn't abuse in divorce be treated like a preference in bankruptcy with actions voidable within a certain time frame of divorce or separation (or the contemplation of the same) as preferences in bankruptcy are. Additionally, the penalty should be forfeiture as you indicate in order to curb the potential for abuse. I think if you can establish incapacity as in your case, it should be a 2 or 3 times penalty, such as an exceptional case.

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I have concerns about this approach

I think that the values removed from family assets should be added back to the individual that took them.

Assets used to pay joint marital debts or for the reasonable support of children deducted from that amount. Then a fixed amount for support of each marital partner with a bigger deduction for the one who leaves the marital home or who has the children for CAPITAL expenses.

Amounts spent on addictions compulsions and taking OP on holiday to be added back in full to CAPITAL.

Income to be subject to usual rules but with fixed maximum values on certain elements of lifestyle. Such as smoking, drinking and gambling, porn, golf etc.....

Fixed amounts for a reasonable car, dentist, medical and tennis instructors.

All waywards to be restricted to camping holidays. I days only.

All LBS to have their match.com paid for.

And V to have sole access to Liam and all the dance shoes she needs.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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This discussion was directed to fraudulent transfers in draining joint accounts on the eve of divorce/separation, which 25 indicates are not illegal. As far as rewriting the family codes of 50 states, that part will have to wait.

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How are you doing girl? Haven't heard from you in a while.

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???? Hope you're ok.




Girlfriend - please post so we know you haven't had a stroke.


Last edited by Cadet; 02/16/18 09:14 AM. Reason: Combine posts
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KML - There's another site that 25 posts on that I haven't seen her there on for a while either.

I believe that someone here has her IRL coordinates - perhaps they can check up on her.


Edit - she was last here on 1/28 but did not post, and did post on FB last week. - Cadet

Last edited by Cadet; 02/15/18 11:20 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message

On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Phew - thanks for the info

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I am alive, in the process of healing and settling with h. Or VERY soon to be ex h. Our divorce will be finalized soon, especially since HE wants to be declared single asap (not shocked that he's probably wanting to be engaged of married asap, b/c if he doesn't marry her, then he might look as if he's blown up a family merely for a place/job? Oh, wait, he did that a decade ago when he missed our d28's junior/senior year of high school. And then most of our d20's second half of life in home.



SO I hired a PI. Very Jerry Springer of me and yet, my PI guy tracked h to work (yes WORK, not "retirement") and his name is on the building--- I mean seriously? AND H advertises presentations on the procedures they offer now and has added credentials and renewed his medical license (but wait, he "retired" and that was why he cut our d20 off of college...) Christ I think literally everything he wrote to her in the "cut off tuition" letter was a lie and she must know that by now.

ouch.

and his brazenness....Name on the building!

Then I saw his expenses of him and his OW and HER Daughter and all their travels

while our youngest works 2 jobs and is cut off.
I will never understand his choices b/c we do not share the same moral compass.

but then his offer for "global settlement" (as opposed to just spousal support) was upped. I know he will earn a lot more and I know he's hidden money. I could keep fighting for more but I want to live my life and I had a clause put in about whether he's hiding assets and I discover it, they are mine, not just half.

I still have other things to say about spouses who take all the savings and then leave...or file.

As for the settlement, It's not fair or equitable, and he 's a bullying liar with a cruel streak, but it is "enough" for me, and I would like to be done now. I have a life to live. If I'm smart with money (and I will be), I don't care if h wins the lottery. And I'm better off than 90% of the women on the planet, I'll be alright.



More later....

I appreciate you guys a lot.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Thanks for the update. I'm glad to know things are moving forward for you. Amazing that he thinks your are too stupid to figure out that he's working. I'll be honest, though, if he's in a hurry to get this finalized so he can move on, I think you ought to hold his balls to the fire, and make him increase his offer. A LOT. I'd really like you to get so much more than half that it discourages other people from trying to do the same kind of thing.

And I LOVE the clause where you get ALL of any hidden assets.

Last edited by Cadet; 02/24/18 03:04 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message

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Jim

To be clear, I'm done. And glad to be done.

Not holding his feet to the fire, b/c I literally had to borrow tens of thousands of dollars to pay my legal fees, and he will always out resource me.

My leverage is NOT his remarriage (God forbid I ever look as if I'm blocking him from his happiness)

it's that he'd have to spend the rest of his working life looking over his shoulder for another PI

but that was not cheap either. Lesson 1 - I think I should have hired the PI sooner

and LESSON 2

I basically did 90% of the legwork for my case. IF I'd known then what I know now, I'd have worked harder on it myself.

Not impressed with my lawyers. The "Global settlement" means it's ALL done and that I waive the right to pursue other things like legal fees, etc. But the overall amount went up and that was enough to cover parts of it. Global settlements tend to help the higher earner and IF I had more resources and more of my life time to spend on this, I would - but I don't. I'm done standing still but I'm not caving either.

Lesson 3 - I think that we are ALL supposed to do most of the legwork, to be honest. Saves US money and frankly, we know our spouses/cases better and a LOT of the people I meet in divorcecare who are down the road post divorce

tell me they did a lot of the paperwork and legwork and the rest, NOT their lawyers.

The most professional professional I "met" in this situation was my PI, whom I never physically met but hired up in Alaska. Man, he was on top of things and took photos and learned about the brand new truck (my L's did not know of it) --in 2 days.

Fact is ALL of my legal fees were charged or borrowed, and that put me at a huge disadvantage

which is what happens when you have a neurological event that impairs you. And I'm VERY Lucky to have family & friends from whom I could borrow that amount of money.

(I shake my head when I think of the people who don't have any resources...OMG we - WE ALL have to pay it forward when we can.)


I have financial security & I have okay health insurance for life.

It's true that - H gets to earn a gazillion dollars I helped him to earn,

(our son was 8 weeks old when h switched careers to go to medical school and even when I worked full time, h did what H wanted. It had nothing to do with whether I was earning money - my T helped me see this) - that's true.

AND I spent many years at home with our children thanks to h's income, so that I know their childhood friends and am in frequent contact with them

and I know my children know they are loved by their mother.

This knowledge comforts me greatly, b/c they have been deeply affected by this divorce, despite their age.


I'm okay. And doing well in MY LIFE, is what is best for THEM, in terms of what I can control.


ALSO I will write (at a minimum) an article about the experience. The same credit union that I've been a member of for 30 years, let my h block me from even accessing INFORMATION about the account, based on an un notarized paper, and when I brought the affidavit to show that I was impaired at the time, it made NO difference.

We Had to subpoena the information and even then they did not reveal the new truck that H bought through them (on his "retirement income", which was the same as mine and believe me, "we" would not qualify on that income and the rent he claims OW is charging him - almost exactly what I pay in rent). The PI is who discovered that.

There are 3 other officer's wives in my divorce care group who had the same problem with this military credit union (and I'm a veteran too, btw).


Spouses who take marital assets in an attempt to defraud the other, need to face an actual loss of assets.

The trump card h had that I did not expect was that he filed for "disability" from the VA and somehow got 80%. Included sleep apnea, a back problem and a knee problem.

The week before our trial - he got their rating and THAT was what my lawyers feared. They had a legit fear that a judge would say "oh, he's a disabled veteran, 25 gets no spousal support." etc.

you may recall I actually herniated a disk while active duty, and have metal in my leg but never felt that filing for disability was appropriate.

And H never once complained to me of a back injury. Ever. In 35 years....

and he hurt his leg last April playing racquetball. Society has evidently made a decision to feel good about itself by handing out money for BS claims

while short selling veterans in other bigger ways.

ANYHOW the divorce is going to be finalized any day now. No need to debate money now.

It's enough & I'm okay with the amount.

Sometimes when change is forced on us, it also makes it clearer that we ought to embrace it.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2017
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Good to hear that the agony of the divorce process is over for you and that you are okay with the amount you received.

I think you are right on thinking welll on the time that you were able to spend with the kids by being able to stay at home (on his dime). Those moments are worth more than anything and i wish that i was able to spend more time with the kids like that. I did the same with my W when our kids were first born. I am happy that i was able to handle the bills for that time the W was able to take off (only a year for the 4 y/o and a few months for the 2 y/o) because i think the kids (her kids as well) really benefited from that. Not sure she is as grateful for the time she was able to spend because of our M, but maybe someday she will be.


Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Sometimes when change is forced on us, it also makes it clearer that we ought to embrace it.

I couldn't agree more. I am going through some changes as well that its becoming clearer that i should embrace them more fully.

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25! So glad you are passing this enormous hurdle. XW was very dishonest in the D and had the collusion of my ex-laws. All very egregious. Nevertheless, on the 1-year anniversary of my D (actually it was the Jewish D, a writ of D called a "Get", I sat around the table with my children reminiscing about the year that had passed, and we all agreed that it was a GREAT year. 25, if you can remain thankful for what you have, and avoid the rear-view mirror, I am sure that the best it yet to come!!

Did you ever make your Must Have and Must not Have list?

Best,

RAI


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(((25))) I am still silently following. Glad to see you are through some major hurdles! You are an inspiration to all.

Blu



http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2780226#Post2780226

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