25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[25yearsmlc]

As for young women with older men - I've thought about that with my ex and his 19 years younger bride.
On the one hand - he's charming, as narcissists can be. And as a surfer, he was in great shape when she met him even though he was in his early fifties. And because he's a physician making over $300k, she gets a nice lifestyle, financial security and exotic vacations.

how did you deal with the glaring cliched nature of this^^^ injustice?? NOT saying there aren't others with it worse off out there, I know there are.

But what we earned and helped them earn, only to have a "new wife" cut in line.

Thats why it's such a trigger when I hear of someone (even a friend) talk about "meeting a nice rich doctor." Makes me really indignant.

never wanting to meet a nice student studying to get INTO medical school, or in med school OR doing their internship or residency or a fellowship - nope...

just wanting to meet them AFTER SOMEONE ELSE HAS DONE ALL OF THAT....THEN they'd like to meet him. How dedicated...how loyal...

Good grief people - we are all soon to be ex wives/ex husbands. Have a little consideration & respect for the ex spouse you are replacing , (down the road I mean, of course).

There's a great chance that the new person you are choosing to love, DID play a part in the demise of their marriage and their former spouse deserves -- something decent in how we treat them. I won't disparage a former spouse of a new partner and I sure as heck would not post on FB in any way that would harm her or their children. But then, I' a decent person with class.



On the other - he's no longer invincible, had to stop surfing, had shoulder surgery, is losing his hair and going gray.

^^^ my H was on crutches at some grand opening (of where he "retired from") - guess he was running and something actually broke. I don't wish him ill but I could swear he thought Alaska would keep him from aging...(cryogenics??)

God...smh


And I still fear that CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) is in his future. I hope she'll care for him in his old age, but know that at my age, 61, I wouldn't want to be caring for an 80 year old husband.

I bet!

I 'd have wiped his rear end from a stroke (he has A-fib) without a complaint or thought b/c that's what you do when you make vows.

But I find more of my thoughts NOT about what I "would do IF" or about his life, and more about what I want in MINE

and except for d20 (whom I deeply worry about) and the idiotic trial in 90 days, I'm mostly awake to more possibilities than I have been in -- many years.

I think when the dust settles, I'll be better off than otherwise.

As for h? Doubtful b/c he has lost a great catch, a woman who really brought out the best in him, who smoothed his rough patches (narc asperger's) edge, made him laugh really hard, challenged him intellectually - though later perhaps too much for his ego-- and was loyal to him beyond reserve. His Schmoopie, I'm told is "the extreme opposite, not a match made in heaven, she's not that smart and for sure not funny"

- guess she makes some money her job, but I can't even comment on the comments there. And I've still never looked at her!!

And our children...what could he have been thinking? Ah, I will NEVER know...

And NONE of this^^ is on my side of the sandbox either. All I can do is my side of it, help my kids, be open to good men out there, and be happy and adventurous with ME.

H is a fool and this, I know. But it does not matter (much) if he knows.

My former BIL left my sister years ago and married OW#2. They are very different. OW#2 earns a good salary whereas my sister is an RN. Not shabby but not rich.

Anyhow, former BIL apologized to my sister just as she prepped to remarry, and mostly he talked abut what HE lost, etc. "Big mistake" "really effed up", etc.

Thing is, though he has money, here is what I KNOW. Every night for the past 15 years of his new m,

MY sisters & I all each greeted our h's at the door, with hugs if not more, and we asked how their day was - we made a big deal that they had come home.. called the kids to come up and say hi to their dad, etc.

My former BIL knows that every night he returns to his new w, there's a warm hug he's NOT getting.
and more...

My h knows (or will if he lets himself remember) that I did the same. And a million other things. It's not as if h wasn't getting it at home.

H may never recall the withering criticism he gave me and the kids the last fews years, the crazy controlling stuff about food, but we sure do, and we don't miss that.

I hope for all our sakes we can learn to recall the good times.

Just wondering KML




As for the 39 year old? My experience with younger men was nice, but it's really only for today, no future in it. So that does leave us with a narrow path. Someone close to our age , not too much older or younger. But that has to include physiological age - some men my age are already too old for me.

Then add in other baggage - I wouldn't date a guy with grade school age kids, maybe teenagers. But my kids are grown and I still have enough parenting to do with them.

The guys I've dated either didn't have kids or they were grown.

All of this being said - the most important things, how you relate and values and interests - are more important than anything. And even the perfect match on paper could die of a heart attack tomorrow.

[Jim1234]

25, I enjoy reading your posts.

As to the 39 year old.... why not? Did you enjoy his company? I'm not saying you have to marry the guy, but if you enjoy his company, then go enjoy his company! Stop worrying about the age difference. Sure, you might find you don't have much to talk about, but maybe you do, or you just have to work a little harder to find them. Or even find you don't want to talk to them at all, but still enjoy their company....

I think that's the issue with men dating younger women. We are not focusing on the age difference.

[frank_D]

Hi,

Been a while. Sorry to hear about all the infidelity. You certainly didn't deserve what he's done. Just a note of support!

Frank

[25yearsmlc]

25, I enjoy reading your posts.

As to the 39 year old.... why not? Did you enjoy his company? I'm not saying you have to marry the guy, but if you enjoy his company, then go enjoy his company! Stop worrying about the age difference.

Jim, read my post again maybe. I found little to talk with him about and when he mentioned a show my son likes, I realized that there 1) was an age difference and 2) he and I are not on the same page.

To be clear, I found him relatively shallow. Apart from his attractive looks, (which is nice)
he just was not that interesting.

MAYBE due to his age, maybe not.


Sure, you might find you don't have much to talk about, but maybe you do, or you just have to work a little harder to find them. Or even find you don't want to talk to them at all, but still enjoy their company....

wait? What?
"Still enjoy their company" but don't want to talk to them -- unless you mean having sex,

if I can't enjoy or find much to talk about, or don't want to talk to him, there's not going to be sex.

I'm not wasting my time in a r without meaningful communication. Which I need for sex. Hey, I'm now aware of men my own age and a few years younger that find sex meaningful to THEM, as well. They want to be accepted with their gravitational changes and such, was much as i want the marks of being a mother - accepted.

Sleeping with a man I don't WANT to talk to - I'd probably laugh and want out of the bed asap.


I think that's the issue with men dating younger women. We are not focusing on the age difference.

I think the opposite. No offense. Truly.

But IMO men who seek out younger women want to look better in other men's eyes (Impression management king of the hill, trophy, virility)

and or they want a nurse to care for them when they are old,

and or just sex with a younger model.

I don't mean to insult men in this scenario, but I will say it's incredibly cliched to do. Hence the eye rolls

and like KML says'

when her ex h suffers from his illness (or when my h has a stroke, likely since he has A fib)

will the new schmoopie take GOOD care of him? Will she enjoy pushing him around in a wheelchair?

Or just call my son to hope she can get off the hook (which means calling me, to be honest).

or maybe she'll stick around until the will gets probated...

I find that tragic but it's not really in MY direct life anymore.

In my h's case the OW is not much younger (or so I'm told she looks middle aged)

but apparently she has had a lot of work done, and I've never looked at her so I can't care too much.

She wants to be a doctor's wife though, and now she probably gets to be that. I took the STD test b/c a friend who knows her told me I "need to get tested b/c OW has has quite the past." Super fun!

Beyond that, this ^^is not in my sandbox.

But saying men don't consider age in dating is hilarious. To me anyhow.

You mean to say you won't rule out age 55 or over when you fill out the online apps?

What age will you go up to, OVER yours?

Just asking...

[25yearsmlc]

So I have gotten 3 of the 6 STD tests results back and so far, all negative.

Since it's been a year since my last "encounter" with h (and no one since), I'm not worried about those showing up after the fact b/c it's already after the fact.

There are 2-3 test results awaiting.

here's the thing. We all know I'll go batchit nuts if there's a positive but I don't expect here to be.

But I don't find the "all clear" phone call from the doctor NEARLY sufficient enough to match the level of anxiety I've felt recently.


I think a card with straight A's or something very affirming to me personally (NOT h for not spreading it to me, b/c he probably took the chance).

But something I can laminate and then bedazzle.

Seems appropriate. Of course I'll carry it around for appropriate times.

Went out with M tonight. It was lovely. Not all jitters and sparks yet, but a stirring and he sure says lovely things.

It's hard for him to trust, I can tell. TO be open, like i am, is really new for him.

I hope our physical side will match the mental and easy way of hanging out. I do want passion but that's not been tested, so to speak.

Happy ThanksGiving everyone!

Yes I'll see M after T-day, (Friday) since it seemed like a bit much to have him meet MY family on Thanksgiving, Good grief. Too much too fast and they'd overwhelm him.

Plus I don't want to rush it at all. He said a lovely thing with the "L" word in it but in a mature way.

"I know I'm going to love you, but I'm not sure of all the ways." He got very affectionate and talked about how he has a lot of unused miles on his card,s and that I've never been to Paris and that "we ought to go".

I'm not holding my breath (a lot can happen between now and 2 months from now) but it's nice to have someone saying it at all.

And though there's always a risk, I just feel like this is a relationship. Not necessarily gonna be a marriage (wish I'd dated more men before meeting him at all)

and I may never remarry at all. But I feel FOR NOW, safe just seeing him and probably calling him "My date" -maybe a boyfriend.

Thing is, I've had boyfriends I did not marry. My sister J has not. So to HER, my dating M at all is like I''m diving into a pre marriage role.

I'm not. I'm just exploring a relationship with a nice guy who is easy to speak with and very smart.

We both have damage from our marital demises, our "Plane crashes" so it'll take time to know what we are like without that pain hanging over our heads, moving beyond it all,

but that's the point of dating & having fun now, right?

[25yearsmlc]

PS

yes we will begin those dance lessons in January. They will be fun AND they will teach us something about how we interact, how he leads, how I follow, and the chemistry pieces of it all.

It'll be a thing I'd like to complete before introducing him to my kids, if I do.

[Jim1234]

25, this is probably nothing, but personally, at this point, I'd be really cautious of anyone who uses the L word in any shape or form.

[joejoe1]

25,

Wow, it's awesome to see you getting some love. You deserve to be appreciated. I hope that trip to Paris happen. You will love it. Do you have dance shoes already? Also, get some nice dresses. I know you probably already have plenty. Enjoy your turkey day.

[Ginger1]

Look at you! Live it up, girl. You sound pretty crazy over M. I am glad you are still dating otherwise though. Take it slow, like you always tell me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[kml]

Happy Thanksgiving!!!