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Elle017 Offline OP
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This forum has helped me tremendously just reading others comments and advice. I was doing great at GAL and not contacting him, but he continues to reach out. Texting benign things like "have a great week" and most common...."thinking of you". What does this all mean? If you want to be alone, focus on yourself and be on Tinder....why are you texting me? He originally acted like I was the root of all his anger and problems.

Quick breakdown: BD April / EA w/ coworker discovered end of April (I think it was more because they professed love to each other)/ June he says he broke it off with her/ June asks for Divorce/ I move to another state in August for my job and personal network and we are in mediation for the divorce currently.
He went from cold, cruel, Cialis hoarding, ghosting and mattress clinging on his side in May to "I love you and will always care for you" and crying all the time in August. What the heck is going on......MLC?

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Originally Posted By: Elle017
This forum has helped me tremendously just reading others comments and advice. I was doing great at GAL and not contacting him, but he continues to reach out. Texting benign things like "have a great week" and most common...."thinking of you". What does this all mean?

It means he wants to make sure you are there to be his plan B. Do not respond to those types of texts.

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Yup, either do not reply or a simple "thanks" and then no follow-up. Personally, I used the latter because it said "I'm alive, but I just don't care enough to say more". It's way too easy for the other to think you are ignoring them because you are angry or you care. I chose ambiguity; sometimes thanks, sometimes nothing.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Elle017 Offline OP
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Thank you for the assistance, it was just what I needed. I think “thanks”is more than fair .....and in reality, I’m don’t want to be in contact or be his other option so maybe silence is even better. I guess these mixed signals just really confuse me. We all deserve better than being option B. I guess I’m lucky I don’t have a spewing monster any longer......now I get a weekly text or a kissy emoji on Mondays....which I’m sure is guilt after a weekend of debauchery. Who knows, the self centered attitude is so ugly. Still having a hard time grasping how someone can change so drastically and not care about his family any longer. Still wants a divorce....so I guess this all means nothing. I will continue with GAL.


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
currently mediating/finalizing D
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Originally Posted By: Elle017
Texting benign things like "have a great week" and most common...."thinking of you". What does this all mean?


In my opinion, it means he is confused. Sometimes, it's scary once te cage door is open and you dont really know what youve gotten yourself into.

I agree with the others that there isnt really any need to respond to anything more than 'thanks'...if even anything. You could say 'you too' to have a great week.

Frankly, I wouldnt really bother.


Are you going to share more details of your story?

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we need way more info to be of any real help.

how long were you married (or partners), your ages, any kids & their ages,

MAIN issues HE would say if he were here? You can put a brief summary into your profile signature block so we can remember your situation more easily.

As for the Monday kiss or winking emojis, heres what I've learned. Do Not Assume.

Don't project what YOU would send him, if you felt guilt if you had done what he's doing.

For a long time, I assumed my h felt guilt and shame for leaving (the first time, that is).

But it may have been shame THAT then morphed into resentment ----- or maybe it was always resentment that seethed, unexpressed for a decade...

I know projected onto my h that he was as invested in our m as I was. I spent so much energy maintaining the illusion that he was a good father and husband, who had simply made a mistake. It became a hard illusion to maintain.

Now I don't have to.


NOT saying this ^^^is your situation (b/c I don't want to project MY situation onto yours)

but we all want to learn what we can from others.


So in sum, we need some info to better advise.

Hang in there, and good luck.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
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Originally Posted By: Elle017
He went from cold, cruel, Cialis hoarding, ghosting and mattress clinging on his side in May to "I love you and will always care for you" and crying all the time in August. What the heck is going on......MLC?


Could be MLC. It could be that once you moved away he realized that you were not the source of all of his problems after all. But here's the deal, he's on a long, looong journey. It's unlikely he's interested in recon after only 6 months. If he is just starting MLC it could be years before he exits the tunnel. Even if he's not MLC the timeline can be well over a year.

As the others said we can help more if we know more about your sitch.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Absolutely will share my story. Sorry, I am new to this so please bear with me.
We have been married 16 yrs this past Sept. and together 19yrs total. We have no children and we have had very little strife in our lives together (good marriage, no affairs, but both bad childhoods). As some of the other threads have mentioned, everyone said we were the best couple they knew that we just fit together so well.
I am the stable breadwinner and have always encouraged and supported him in career changes or ambitions. Most recently (Oct 2016) for a job promotion that moved us to another state. We sold our home of 14yrs and my job allowed me to move to support his career goals, but just two months in by December he was acting distant and melancholy. I thought it was in response to my slow acclimation to the new state....you see I was a little down about no family, friends or even work pals to speak of and I wasn't excited about the new terrain. But he was still loving and sent me loving text messages and told me how much he appreciated me and my sacrifice to support him....that he loved me and felt blessed to have me...yada, yada, yada (I see now that that was bs) We went on vacations with friends in Jan & Feb....he seemed okay, but was starting to pick fights with me. Again nothing major, just looking back I can see something surfacing. In March he started to work longer hours, started secretly coloring his hair, was distant......it was the discussion about getting a vasectomy and my discovery of the Cialis that made me confront him. He admitted to an EA with a woman at work that he says (but not sure if its true) was also married, 44 with 3 kids. He said they had feelings for each other, but it had nothing to do with his not wanting to be married any longer, that it was all my fault for not being a better wife, more supportive of his successes and not trusting him. It was downhill from there....ghosting, anger, lots of mean blaming, stonewalling, staring at me like he's watching paint dry.....dismissive, rude...all of it. I did all the wrong things at first, logical pleading, went to IC, offered to change all in an effort to salvage 19yrs, to which he said no...then he said he was ambivalent, then he said he broke it off with her, but still didn't see a future for us. Apparently, as he put it "my love light just went dark for you, like a light switch" I got the ILBNILWY speech. He wanted time to think so that took us to June, when he asked for a divorce. I lost 15lbs which I didn't need to lose, I found out my dog had terminal cancer and my friend passed away at the young age of 40 from colon cancer....and something snapped for me. I tired of fighting for a marriage he wanted to throw away, I was tired of his wishy-washy, egotistical, whiny crap...I am a professional female and I deserved better....so I agreed to divorce mediation and I started my journey of GAL. Our lease was ending in Sept so he was apartment shopping unbeknownst to me..as we were considering extending the lease to see where things went. I coordinated movers, started apartment shopping, I started cleaning out stuff, I went to the gym and movies solo, I went on mini vacations by myself.....then I moved in Aug to another state approx. 1hr flight away and signed the initial divorce documents and financial stuff. He asked for spousal support and I decided to not fight and just give it to him (even though he didn't qualify per the attorney).
The strange thing is that the tears started in Aug, he brought me coffee in bed each morning and did other really thoughtful things. Then the requests to watch TV with him, lie in bed together, departure hugs and a random ILY....and then the panic attacks that he would always be alone and the apologies for things he had said and done. Requests for forgiveness and a few drunk nights of tearful apologies. But he still wanted to get divorce because he just didn't see any other way to focus on himself. He wanted to stay friends and would always care about me and my safety.
And that brings us current. I don't initiate any contact unless it has to do with official business (car ins, bills..etc) but he continues to ping me once a week...sometimes its a text or sometimes its a forwarded joke. The last meme he said " remember when you pulled this on me so long ago" as a reference to when we were dating.
Our niece who we helped raise won't speak to him and originally he said he didn't care, she would get over it. Now he sends her loving text messages. He stopped communication with his family and friends early on, but now I have heard he is trying to bridge the gaps and makes an effort.
No action on the IC front, no mention of wanting to work it out or that he misses me. So I just ignore him, it still hurts after spending half my lifetime with him, but it saves my sanity. I can now eat and sleep more soundly and don't think about him everyday. I just can't understand the touch bases when all he wanted to do was flee, be done and be rid of me & the marriage that was holding him back. We, the marriage and I were the source of all his woes. His EA was so much better than me, she filled the void of me being an unsupportive wife and on and on.....

Sorry this is so long. I wanted to provide as much data as possible as I value all of your opinions and advice.


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
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Hi Elle, sorry you're here, but you've come to the right place.

Originally Posted By: Elle017
He said they had feelings for each other, but it had nothing to do with his not wanting to be married any longer, that it was all my fault for not being a better wife, more supportive of his successes and not trusting him.


Please don't believe this cr@p. This is the lie he tells himself to justify his horrible behavior. And if he can get you to validate it, then it's even easier for him to believe.

Good job on GAL - keep living your life for yourself. Don't respond to his texts. Look to his actions, not his words, to determine where he is.

You sound like a good person, a very supporting W, and you deserve better.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Elle017 Offline OP
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Thanks, Holding. I like to think I am pretty good person....I know that I am a loyal, supportive and loving wife. None of us are perfect, but nothing that would warrant a full blown affair and then the aftermath of devastation he has caused.
Everyone was right, it's a Plan B reservation act. He took his AP on a mini-vacay and introduced her to some of our mutual friends over the weekend.....thus the ping Monday morning. Kind of disgusting and diabolical to spend the weekend with her, using spousal support that I pay and then ping me on Monday saying you are "just thinking of you..." It still amazes me...this is the same guy that would leave me sweet notes on the mirror in the morning, would send me flowers because and bring me coffee in bed. Like his personality and brain just broke and there is a alien in his stead?


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
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You are not alone. My w went on a vacation with her AP and she called and texted me from there. It makes no sense so don’t waste any effort trying to understand it.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Continue to get text messages w/ kissy faced emojis.....I continue not to reply.

I am soliciting opinions, there is a family event this weekend and we are both going to be in attendance to the church portion, but I am leaning towards declining the dinner afterwards. Not to be petty, but to keep the awkwardness to a minimum for all involved, especially me.....though I don't know if it would be good to give him an opportunity to communicate face-to-face since we are separated and have not seen each other since the end of August. Additionally, I didn't cheat, lie and blow up our marriage....should I skulk away and hide in an attempt to be thoughtful to the host and family by excusing myself.

Thoughts?


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
currently mediating/finalizing D
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Could use some advice. I went to the family event, saw the stbxh and upon seeing me all he did was cry....Like ugly cry and try to make small talk. I left and he texted me that he was sorry for hurting me, then another text trying to flirt with me and then another later saying he was a broken man. I tried to respond kindly, but without any emotion...Like "what happened, happened let's move on from it". Then radio silence for a few weeks. Then yesterday, I got a Christmas card from him, but he addressed it from the dog? Like, I love you, mom and thank you for being such a wonderful human and taking care of me???? What the heck???

How do I respond or do I even respond? I'm a little confused on the NC/Dim/Dark stuff.....Because I think he's reaching out and I want to be kind, but I also am not a Plan B. He's still with his AP and she scheduled her divorce at the same time so she's now divorced from her husband and 2 kids.
Help?


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
currently mediating/finalizing D
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Being myself a (former?)WH it is sad to read what you have written.
I remember living some of that chaotic life of your stbxh and my heart starts pumping faster. It is a bad place to be. I havent even found the courage to start a thread. But my mind is pushing to write...soon

Where do you stand now? Are you fighting for your M?


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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Elle017 Offline OP
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Thanks neffer, sorry you lived it....but happy to see you said “former”. I am hoping that means you came thru the tunnel and were able patch things up with your loved ones. I am particularly happy that someone with your perspective responded. I am trying to be a “lighthouse” as some refer to a stander, but I am struggling. My stbxh filed for a divorce that will be final in January and I moved out of state for a job promotion and to be near family/friends. He went public with his AP soon after I moved and has guilt texted me for months (normally when he was away or at dinner with her or the next day...thinking of you.....have a good week....how are you...).
I am losing hope. I am living my life and thinking I will start dating once the divorce is final. I want to wait for him, but 6 months of spewing cruelty, then ignoring, them crying, then humiliating w/ AP......I’m just don’t know anymore. I want to be a lighthouse and try to understand his pain and confusion, but I’m not sure it’s always healthy for the LBS. thoughts?
Is he sincere and remorseful or just trying to mask his guilt? When the person you love and trust in the world to protect you & be your teammate violates and betrays you......it’s so hard to stand and wait.
I want to respond with kindness even if it’s not warranted, I am just struggling with trust & respect.


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
currently mediating/finalizing D
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Thanks neffer, sorry you lived it....but happy to see you said “former”. I am hoping that means you came thru the tunnel and were able patch things up with your loved ones. I am particularly happy that someone with your perspective responded. I am trying to be a “lighthouse” as some refer to a stander, but I am struggling. My stbxh filed for a divorce that will be final in January and I moved out of state for a job promotion and to be near family/friends. He went public with his AP soon after I moved and has guilt texted me for months (normally when he was away or at dinner with her or the next day...thinking of you.....have a good week....how are you...).
I am losing hope. I am living my life and thinking I will start dating once the divorce is final. I want to wait for him, but 6 months of spewing cruelty, then ignoring, them crying, then humiliating w/ AP......I’m just don’t know anymore. I want to be a lighthouse and try to understand his pain and confusion, but I’m not sure it’s always healthy for the LBS. thoughts?
Is he sincere and remorseful or just trying to mask his guilt? When the person you love and trust in the world to protect you & be your teammate violates and betrays you......it’s so hard to stand and wait.
I want to respond with kindness even if it’s not warranted, I am just struggling with trust & respect.
_________________________


M-16yrs together 19yrs
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BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
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You have to protect yourself Elle. Throw the insane fog that surrounded me in those dark times, I still remember my W being the lighthouse. I managed to get my self respect back and then respecting my family. It is a long journey but it belongs to your stbxh. You keep DBing and GAL. It is your life. Feel the freedom to live it.

(((Elle)))


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through...hate self writting phones!!!


WW H(me): 53
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S: 18
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Saw the light in the storm
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I know you mentioned that you were on the cusp of writing your own story. Though I am sure it's scary, I am encouraging you to write about your experience. I know if my heart that my sweet, loving husband didn't just change over night. Things must have been brewing that he either blamed me or didn't feel safe discussing with me. Your insight would be invaluable......and maybe even cathartic for you? I have heard to look to a MLC or WAH's actions vs. their words. Not sure how to feel or react to the most recent reach out? Should I just ignore? Ever since I have moved and gone NC (including deleting him from all social media) he has shown nice actions....paying for extended insurance that we share without being prompted, checking in on my health that he found out thru a friend I was suffering and the most recent Christmas card.......just so confused. I was doing pretty good about not thinking about him at all and looking forward to dating and getting on with my life......then I get sucked back in.
Neffer, what made you turn around and reinvest completely with your wife? Or if you are aren't reconciled, what cleared the fog so you could see more clearly?

Thank you for sharing, I truly appreciate it.


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
currently mediating/finalizing D
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I will write my story soon. I need sometime to do it. I have started it many times in my mind but it makes me sad so I cant do it at home neither at work. Just have to take that time to do it on my own.

My W was the lighthouse, her light guided me across the fog. I clearly remember each time I did the BD (3 times in total)...the false feeling of freedom...and how the feeling dissapeared after a while, confronting my own thoughts. Some heavy MLC with extra sauce! My W kept my world and protected my son. I lived a double life for 2 years. Those were not happy times at all. At the end I managed to come home and here I am now. Healing and fighting OW adiction day by day. I’m nearly 21 months clean now and fighting for more day by day.

This time of the year make us wonder for illusions...just keep those there and continue GAL. Get close to the ones that you can count on. You cant be wainting for your stbxh MLC recover. A new year is the chance for the reset. GAL
Take care of yourself. You deserve it.


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So got another card....this time from him. He wrote that he will always love & adore me until the day he dies and wished me happy holidays and all the happiness in the world.
So strange....same guy who acted like he detested my presence with cruel anger and contempt.....wanted a divorce and stepped over my crying limp body and said "stop crying, I am trying to enjoy my day" on his way out to see his married AP.

Advice? I am inclined to ignore. A card isn't going to right the considerable and numerous wrongs that have transpired, but at least he is trying to reach out and on the surface seems remorseful?


M-16yrs together 19yrs
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Maybe remorseful on the surface, guilt can do that. Maybe Plan B exploration? It´s mind reading anyway...

Detach more. Keep your course. Sail away.


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Originally Posted By: Elle017

Advice? I am inclined to ignore. A card isn't going to right the considerable and numerous wrongs that have transpired, but at least he is trying to reach out and on the surface seems remorseful?


See my above corrections. The rest is 100% correct and accurate. I would suggest slowly and symbolically burning the card.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
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I second AS suggestion for burning the card slowly. I personally love doing that - it's very cathartic. Don't do it indoors smile


No one is coming to save you!

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