This forum has helped me tremendously just reading others comments and advice. I was doing great at GAL and not contacting him, but he continues to reach out. Texting benign things like "have a great week" and most common...."thinking of you". What does this all mean? If you want to be alone, focus on yourself and be on Tinder....why are you texting me? He originally acted like I was the root of all his anger and problems.
Quick breakdown: BD April / EA w/ coworker discovered end of April (I think it was more because they professed love to each other)/ June he says he broke it off with her/ June asks for Divorce/ I move to another state in August for my job and personal network and we are in mediation for the divorce currently. He went from cold, cruel, Cialis hoarding, ghosting and mattress clinging on his side in May to "I love you and will always care for you" and crying all the time in August. What the heck is going on......MLC?
This forum has helped me tremendously just reading others comments and advice. I was doing great at GAL and not contacting him, but he continues to reach out. Texting benign things like "have a great week" and most common...."thinking of you". What does this all mean?
It means he wants to make sure you are there to be his plan B. Do not respond to those types of texts.
Yup, either do not reply or a simple "thanks" and then no follow-up. Personally, I used the latter because it said "I'm alive, but I just don't care enough to say more". It's way too easy for the other to think you are ignoring them because you are angry or you care. I chose ambiguity; sometimes thanks, sometimes nothing.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for the assistance, it was just what I needed. I think “thanks”is more than fair .....and in reality, I’m don’t want to be in contact or be his other option so maybe silence is even better. I guess these mixed signals just really confuse me. We all deserve better than being option B. I guess I’m lucky I don’t have a spewing monster any longer......now I get a weekly text or a kissy emoji on Mondays....which I’m sure is guilt after a weekend of debauchery. Who knows, the self centered attitude is so ugly. Still having a hard time grasping how someone can change so drastically and not care about his family any longer. Still wants a divorce....so I guess this all means nothing. I will continue with GAL.
M-16yrs together 19yrs H49/W42 No children BD-4/11/2017 EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016 mentions divorce 6/2017 files D 9/2017 currently mediating/finalizing D
Texting benign things like "have a great week" and most common...."thinking of you". What does this all mean?
In my opinion, it means he is confused. Sometimes, it's scary once te cage door is open and you dont really know what youve gotten yourself into.
I agree with the others that there isnt really any need to respond to anything more than 'thanks'...if even anything. You could say 'you too' to have a great week.
Frankly, I wouldnt really bother.
Are you going to share more details of your story?
how long were you married (or partners), your ages, any kids & their ages,
MAIN issues HE would say if he were here? You can put a brief summary into your profile signature block so we can remember your situation more easily.
As for the Monday kiss or winking emojis, heres what I've learned. Do Not Assume.
Don't project what YOU would send him, if you felt guilt if you had done what he's doing.
For a long time, I assumed my h felt guilt and shame for leaving (the first time, that is).
But it may have been shame THAT then morphed into resentment ----- or maybe it was always resentment that seethed, unexpressed for a decade...
I know projected onto my h that he was as invested in our m as I was. I spent so much energy maintaining the illusion that he was a good father and husband, who had simply made a mistake. It became a hard illusion to maintain.
Now I don't have to.
NOT saying this ^^^is your situation (b/c I don't want to project MY situation onto yours)
but we all want to learn what we can from others.
So in sum, we need some info to better advise.
Hang in there, and good luck.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
He went from cold, cruel, Cialis hoarding, ghosting and mattress clinging on his side in May to "I love you and will always care for you" and crying all the time in August. What the heck is going on......MLC?
Could be MLC. It could be that once you moved away he realized that you were not the source of all of his problems after all. But here's the deal, he's on a long, looong journey. It's unlikely he's interested in recon after only 6 months. If he is just starting MLC it could be years before he exits the tunnel. Even if he's not MLC the timeline can be well over a year.
As the others said we can help more if we know more about your sitch.
Absolutely will share my story. Sorry, I am new to this so please bear with me. We have been married 16 yrs this past Sept. and together 19yrs total. We have no children and we have had very little strife in our lives together (good marriage, no affairs, but both bad childhoods). As some of the other threads have mentioned, everyone said we were the best couple they knew that we just fit together so well. I am the stable breadwinner and have always encouraged and supported him in career changes or ambitions. Most recently (Oct 2016) for a job promotion that moved us to another state. We sold our home of 14yrs and my job allowed me to move to support his career goals, but just two months in by December he was acting distant and melancholy. I thought it was in response to my slow acclimation to the new state....you see I was a little down about no family, friends or even work pals to speak of and I wasn't excited about the new terrain. But he was still loving and sent me loving text messages and told me how much he appreciated me and my sacrifice to support him....that he loved me and felt blessed to have me...yada, yada, yada (I see now that that was bs) We went on vacations with friends in Jan & Feb....he seemed okay, but was starting to pick fights with me. Again nothing major, just looking back I can see something surfacing. In March he started to work longer hours, started secretly coloring his hair, was distant......it was the discussion about getting a vasectomy and my discovery of the Cialis that made me confront him. He admitted to an EA with a woman at work that he says (but not sure if its true) was also married, 44 with 3 kids. He said they had feelings for each other, but it had nothing to do with his not wanting to be married any longer, that it was all my fault for not being a better wife, more supportive of his successes and not trusting him. It was downhill from there....ghosting, anger, lots of mean blaming, stonewalling, staring at me like he's watching paint dry.....dismissive, rude...all of it. I did all the wrong things at first, logical pleading, went to IC, offered to change all in an effort to salvage 19yrs, to which he said no...then he said he was ambivalent, then he said he broke it off with her, but still didn't see a future for us. Apparently, as he put it "my love light just went dark for you, like a light switch" I got the ILBNILWY speech. He wanted time to think so that took us to June, when he asked for a divorce. I lost 15lbs which I didn't need to lose, I found out my dog had terminal cancer and my friend passed away at the young age of 40 from colon cancer....and something snapped for me. I tired of fighting for a marriage he wanted to throw away, I was tired of his wishy-washy, egotistical, whiny crap...I am a professional female and I deserved better....so I agreed to divorce mediation and I started my journey of GAL. Our lease was ending in Sept so he was apartment shopping unbeknownst to me..as we were considering extending the lease to see where things went. I coordinated movers, started apartment shopping, I started cleaning out stuff, I went to the gym and movies solo, I went on mini vacations by myself.....then I moved in Aug to another state approx. 1hr flight away and signed the initial divorce documents and financial stuff. He asked for spousal support and I decided to not fight and just give it to him (even though he didn't qualify per the attorney). The strange thing is that the tears started in Aug, he brought me coffee in bed each morning and did other really thoughtful things. Then the requests to watch TV with him, lie in bed together, departure hugs and a random ILY....and then the panic attacks that he would always be alone and the apologies for things he had said and done. Requests for forgiveness and a few drunk nights of tearful apologies. But he still wanted to get divorce because he just didn't see any other way to focus on himself. He wanted to stay friends and would always care about me and my safety. And that brings us current. I don't initiate any contact unless it has to do with official business (car ins, bills..etc) but he continues to ping me once a week...sometimes its a text or sometimes its a forwarded joke. The last meme he said " remember when you pulled this on me so long ago" as a reference to when we were dating. Our niece who we helped raise won't speak to him and originally he said he didn't care, she would get over it. Now he sends her loving text messages. He stopped communication with his family and friends early on, but now I have heard he is trying to bridge the gaps and makes an effort. No action on the IC front, no mention of wanting to work it out or that he misses me. So I just ignore him, it still hurts after spending half my lifetime with him, but it saves my sanity. I can now eat and sleep more soundly and don't think about him everyday. I just can't understand the touch bases when all he wanted to do was flee, be done and be rid of me & the marriage that was holding him back. We, the marriage and I were the source of all his woes. His EA was so much better than me, she filled the void of me being an unsupportive wife and on and on.....
Sorry this is so long. I wanted to provide as much data as possible as I value all of your opinions and advice.
M-16yrs together 19yrs H49/W42 No children BD-4/11/2017 EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016 mentions divorce 6/2017 files D 9/2017 currently mediating/finalizing D
Hi Elle, sorry you're here, but you've come to the right place.
Originally Posted By: Elle017
He said they had feelings for each other, but it had nothing to do with his not wanting to be married any longer, that it was all my fault for not being a better wife, more supportive of his successes and not trusting him.
Please don't believe this cr@p. This is the lie he tells himself to justify his horrible behavior. And if he can get you to validate it, then it's even easier for him to believe.
Good job on GAL - keep living your life for yourself. Don't respond to his texts. Look to his actions, not his words, to determine where he is.
You sound like a good person, a very supporting W, and you deserve better.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
