Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[LH19]

You've commented on this several times with me, so please help me understand what you're seeing. Can you help me unravel this?

I would love to help you. That's why I come to this board.

I can't place my finger on it, but when I read your posts I always get the sense your trying hard to convince me your done. I don't get that sense from everyone else.

I have an opinion based on three years of reading why you are in the situation you are in if you would like to hear it.

[Holding]

LH, yes! I'd love to hear your opinion.

[AnotherStander]

Holding my man, you're not quite 7 months since BD. You are starting to come out of the BD fog, starting to grasp that reconciling isn't the ONLY solution, and wrapping your head around the possibility of D and what life after that might be like. But please brother, don't rush into it. You are doing the exact same thing I did at that point in time in my sitch. I convinced myself I was done and moving on. 6 months later I looked back and laughed at how naive I was about it. Then 6 months after that I looked back and laughed at how naive I was at the 1 year mark. Those of us that were married a long time, it takes us a long time to unwind from that and get comfortable with our "new normal". You don't just wake up one day and you're there. "Dropping the rope" is frankly a poor analogy because none of us drop it. We loosen our grip, we let it slowly and gently slide out of our hands and onto the floor, when we get to the end we lower it oh so gently, set it down, lift our hand away gradually, and then we walk away from it. You're loosening your grip but you've got a long way to go, just be patient with yourself and try to be honest with yourself too. I know you're probably thinking "oh but AS I know I'm done!" and I would have said the same thing too. But I wasn't, and it took me a long time later before I realized I wasn't. When you truly are done then you know it in your heart and you don't feel obliged to tell everyone you're done. When you're telling everyone you are, you're really trying to convince yourself.

[AnotherStander]

I can't place my finger on it, but when I read your posts I always get the sense your trying hard to convince me your done.

Heh! I made my post before reading this, but yes, we are on the same page there! I think it's kind of normal at the 6 month to 1 year mark though. I see a lot of others here (men in particular) go through it, and like I posted, I did too.

[LH19]

This is just my opinion based on my readings and what you have posted.

Your wife had to take on the role as the leader in the home and she did not like it.

I know you think she likes to be in charge, but she does not. Most women want the man to take charge and be the leader in the family. She wants to know that he can protect and take care of her so she feels safe. When she feels safe she opens up to him emotionally and sexually.

When the man does not step up and take charge she becomes bitchy and unavailable emotionally and sexually, basically telling him to step up and be a man. After awhile she gives up and she has to become the leader and that changes the polarity of the relationship.

Now when a woman is acting like a man and her natural essence is feminine and a man is acting like a woman and his natural essence is masculine, there can be no sexual chemistry.

For example, you two are having a disagreement and you go and and lock yourself in the bedroom. Wouldn't you say she was acting more like the man and you the woman?

I have studied this for over two years and it is just my opinion. Maybe something to look into Google masculine and feminine energy .

[sandi2]

I don't know that this has anything to do with what the previous posters see, but I'll throw in my two cents. Just for the record, though, I think you are on your way to getting there.

I think men who have the NGS have to get to that point where they don't care what their WW thinks about what he says, how he says it, or how it makes her feel. He just plain don't care.........and he shows that he doesn't care. Enough is enough. He's had it.

If you really are done, then why didn't you look at her and say, "Are you talking to me"? "The guy you told to "F'ck off"? "You want me to give you a ride"?

On second thought......that's too many words. Maybe just use sign language to relate the message.

But being the NG that you are, you will find a logical sounding excuse of how there's no reason to get ugly; or it will make matters worse; or you will take the higher ground; or that's not who you want to be;.......or whatever. Push past all the logical sounding stuff and ask yourself why are you nice to someone who told you to f'ck yourself.

Here's the thing, Holding. This is why your W has lost respect for you. B/c she can talk to you like you are worthless.......and she gets away with it. B/c she can treat you like sh't and you continue being a nice guy to her. That's how this all started. Women like your W (and me) have to realize they've met their match in their own H's. She has to know her H is fed up and he will not take a grain more from her. The nice guy is gone.

((hugs))

[CW2017]

H
On a personal level I am coming up to the 1 year mark and only now "appear" to see the wood from the trees. I have seen q a few pointers towards to a full PA recently but I seemingly don't care? It was certainly the case during the summer that I was thinking "OK let's get the anniversary party and then the vacation out of the way and then I'll act because I am essentially done". But now I barely think long term (unless she ****s up big time and makes a deal breaker level mistake, well that will be something different altogether). I know I am trying to mentally detach whilst everyone still lives here so maybe that's my way of blocking things out but whenever I get a hint of a mind movie now I just think "no, that's her and her affair, nothing to do with me". Maybe that's just my way of handling things (and I have the BD anniversary to come) and I am def a NG (with teeth when necessary!) but who knows what is the mind and what is the psyche? Hmm, time to get out the Nietzsche!

[Holding]

Once again, everyone here has given me a lot to think about. I appreciate it.

AS, thanks. So I'm making all the same mistakes everyone else has made? I guess that's comforting. But seriously, what do you think I should be doing differently? Other than admitting that maybe I'm not as done as I tell myself?

LH, thanks for sharing that. I agree with you. That was the dynamic in our M, with my STBXW mostly in the typical "man" role (working a lot, focus on outdoor activities), and me in the typical "woman" role (geared more toward running the household and looking after the kids). But she was not as "feminine" as you'd imagine. A good word to sum her up is "bossy". In any case, I'll be working to assert my masculinity in future R's. As for the current (dead) M, I think the ship has sailed and it's too late to repair the damage. But I am trying to stand up to her.

Sandi, thanks. So you think I wasn't direct enough. OK. I'm trying to kill the NG. I guess I need to double-down on that. You're right that I make excuses and try to rationalize a soft approach, and I'll try to push past the logic. Yes, she treats me like I'm worthless. I need to remember that.

CW, thanks for sharing your perspective coming up on a year. You mention deal breakers. What would those be? Once my STBXW said she wanted a D, it pushed me into a different mindset (intense anger) and really made it hard for me to DB any more. That's when I first started saying I was done. That's when I stopped hoping. Looking back (3 months ago), I still had some issues to work out, but I really did start the process of being done at that point. If she hadn't said she wanted to D back then, I honestly don't know if I'd still be trying to save things.

Honestly, all this was so much easier when I still had my intense anger.

[doodler]

Holding,

You may want to get an old tractor magneto and run a couple of electrodes from the magneto to each of your testicles. Then you spin the magneto and shock the sh*t out of yourself. It won't make you more manly, in fact, you may be flaccid for a few days, but it will take your mind off of other things.

And, by the way, I like miso soup.

[LH19]

Holding,

Glad I could help and give you something to think about. This is hard $hit but when the dust settles you’ll be a better person for it.

Btw I think you give excellent advice on other threads.