You don't seem to understand how emotional affairs work.......or else you are in denial. You believe they can show up at the same event and everything will be okay as long as they are not contacting each other in between family events.
If she were an alcoholic, how do you think it would work if she were allowed to drink every time there was a family event? Do you believe she could stay on the wagon?
It's the same with an emotional affair. It is an affair! It is addictive! I don't know anything else to tell you b/c you can't accept the fact that your W cannot continue joining the family events as if there is nothing going on between her and BIL.
The only way I see telling the family might help, is if they agree to not invite the BIL and your W to the events they are hosting. But if they don't understand how EA's are addictive, then they may not cooperate. As for just telling them as a way of shaming the affair partners, I don't see it being very effective. Think it over very carefully before you do it.
Believe me, I know this hurts. I know! It changes everything from the way it once was in your family gatherings. The pain is indescribable. I'm so sorry for you, your sister, and the family. Everyone is affected.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I get it...the question is how can I force either one to not show up without telling the whole family what is going on?
Example: My other sister invites my BIL and wife to Thanksgiving dinner. I can tell my W not to go, but sge will still show up. Then what...make a scene? See the problem?...no way to enforce no contact without telling everyone in both families...
Othets have said that I should refuse to show up then...and never see my family?
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
I get it...the question is how can I force either one to not show up without telling the whole family what is going on?
Why are you helping them keep it a secret? I think you need to get to the point where you are just sick and tired of being a doormat, and you just say "enough is enough" and you tell your W that you are done with her and her BS behavior and she is no longer welcome in your life in any way shape or form including going to family events. Then you explain to your family that you and your W are done and you would appreciate it if they no longer invite her to family events since she is no longer a member of the family. It doesn't sound like you are there yet, but just ask yourself if you don't deserve better than this misery.
Your sitch just reminds me so much of TXHubby's and I really agree with Sandi that your W is going to be content to cake-eat while actively engaging in an affair and she will continue it indefinitely, unless she gets the wake-up call that it is all going to come crashing down.
The solution is real simple. Tell the both sides of the family what is going on. Then tell them that you and W are through at this point. And you would appreciate that she not invited to any more family events starting with Thanksgiving. If not you will not be attending.
I understand the stance that I should shake up my wifes world to snap her back to reality, but I am certain this would be the end of our marriage for good. As sandi2 has said, this disruption is sure to cause a change, whether for better or worse.
I talked to my sister today to make sure she is not underestimating what has been going on. I reminded her that whatever her husband is telling her, he knew what he was doing was wrong. My sister told me she has set some very strict boundaries on my wifes contact with anyone in her family.
My kids are at their grandparents, and you can cut the tension between my wife and me with a knife...its aweful. My wife just told me she wants to drive separately to Thanksgiving even though we are going to the exact same dinners just so she does not have to be with me for the 8 hours in the car. I told her I wasnt taking a separate car 500 miles to the same events. I happily told her I would just stay home. I can tell she is stumped by this...I was not rude, but she is obviously troubled by me not going.
I know the DB coaches would say to just take a separate car to give her space. I could do that, or I could just not go and let my W explain why I am not there for Thanksgiving.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
My wife just told me she wants to drive separately to Thanksgiving even though we are going to the exact same dinners just so she does not have to be with me for the 8 hours in the car.
Tate,
There is another option; your wife could ride in the trunk.
tate, seriously though, you are worried this would be the end of your marriage for good? You want to be in a marriage right now to a woman who seriously borderlines abusive?
Your M will not be sustainable unless something drastic changes.
we know there are counter intuitive parts to this at times, like backing off when you'd rather pursue, etc.
But this is a one of those very clear cases in which your small chance of creating a marriage
(because what you have now is an unsustainable war of attrition that does not benefit ANYONE - which is not a marriage)
is by leaving it in some manner.
You're right, it probably won't work, but its the only chance i see that it might.
Face the brutal truth & not the easy lie.
Your w's behavior is Not the behavior of a w who will return to you under these circumstances.
the reality is that She is gone for all intents and purposes, so let her go & GAL
LET HER FEEL SOME LOSS
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I understand the stance that I should shake up my wifes world to snap her back to reality, but I am certain this would be the end of our marriage for good. As sandi2 has said, this disruption is sure to cause a change, whether for better or worse.
Are you serious?!? Really?!? Your marriage was over at the instance you caught her foolin' around with another man. There is no way around it. And if you are fooling yourself that you still have a marriage then you are fooling yourself. Big time! It's about time you took your baIIs back from her purse. And I do not mean being a passive aggressive prick. Be a man. Become a man that will not tolerate being disrespected. A woman cannot feel love for someone they don't respect.
And believe me, taking one's baIIs back feels amazing...
I understand the stance that I should shake up my wifes world to snap her back to reality, but I am certain this would be the end of our marriage for good.
I mentioned TXHubby, have you read his threads? If not then please do so. His W was actively engaging in an affair and initially he reacted very similar to how you are. All it did was make him miserable. He was trying his hardest to show her what a great homemaker he could be and he put on a happy face and tried to pretend the affair wasn't happening. It went on and on and one day he woke up, miserable at having to face another day, and for maybe the first time since BD realized that HE was the one in control of his life, not his W. He underwent a rapid transformation. The scales fell from his eyes and he saw his W for the lying, cheating POS that she had become. He ceased to care about her. There was no room in his life for a worthless cheater, so he left her to the mess she had created and well and truly got a life. They continued to live under the same roof, but it got to the point where he barely saw her because he was so active in his own life. He quit asking his W where she was going and he quit telling her ANYTHING about his life. Eventually she utterly and completely broke down and -literally- begged him to take her back. But the thing is, he was done and he didn't want her back. The tide shifted and SHE had to do all the work to try and restore the M, which is exactly as it should be with a cheater.
So what I am trying to tell you is that you need to get to that point too, and I think you will. But when you get there, you won't respond with the line above, because you won't care if the M is restored or not. You won't do it to "snap her back to reality", you'll do it to save yourself. And THAT is what might bring her back.
