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#2767201 11/02/17 03:18 PM
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Kyh #2767202 11/02/17 04:16 PM
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Hi Gordie, I copied your questions from my last post.

1. It seems like your XW sees you as a friend or more than a friend that she can rely on for financial and other support and it seems you are comfortable with this, right? Except for the car insurance that you would like her to pay, things are pretty much as you’d like.

- I guess I am okay with this for now. Long term, things will change so I'm just doing what works right now. I try to support her if she comes to me. I don't offer advice (unless she asks), just listen and support.

2. It also seems like you have a demanding job with travel and you depend on her for extra childcare and housesitting, right?

- I have to travel quite a bit but I've let my boss know I can only travel on the weeks I don't have the kids. I also ask if she would like to stay here to take care of the dogs when I'm gone. I let her know I will make other arrangements if she doesn't want to so she knows I'm not depending on her for childcare or house sitting. It works for now but long term something will have to change.

3. It also seems neither of you have moved on to other R so that also has a different feel than many of the other situations. Are you not interested in dating at this time (no judgment, just curious)? I remember early there was some sort of OM. Is he out of the

-As far as I know that scumbag is gone. I dont have any reason to believe he's still in the picture. I have no idea what she's been up to though or if there was possibly OM2. I once mentioned she befriended our late friend's ex. She did say something about him a few weeks ago and it was ironically a perfect chance for me to remind her about what a s---head he is and how he treated our friend poorly. She agreed.

I'm not sure when I'll be ready to date. I don't feel like I have a lot to offer right now so that equals more self work.

I'm just trying to take care if my kids and myself and seeing what happens for now.

Kyh #2767203 11/02/17 04:28 PM
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We had a good Halloween. I wasn't sure if xw would invite me since she was mad but she did. D's friend was having a party again this year and xw took the kids. She texted and I came over when they were ready to go trick or treating. I went over (to D's friends) and had a glass of wine and we took the kids trick or treating, it was a nice night. Xw was mad at me again yesterday still then did a pop in and was friendly tonight.

Kyh #2767211 11/02/17 08:19 PM
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you're dating yourself. you still need to find out who Kyh is post-D. The rest will come when it's supposed to. I firmly believe this. xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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How do you know she was mad at you again? Maybe her moodiness has nothing to do with you? Even if my w acts mad at me or says she is, I have learned over the past year, there’s usually something else and that I am just an easy target.

I too will not be ready to date for a long time, like butterfly says, date Kyh!


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Originally Posted By: bttrfly
you're dating yourself. you still need to find out who Kyh is post-D. The rest will come when it's supposed to. I firmly believe this. xoxo


Thanks for stopping by:) I liked reading about this on your posts, it gave me a lot to think about. Finding myself yet not losing myself.

Originally Posted By: Gordie
How do you know she was mad at you again? Maybe her moodiness has nothing to do with you? Even if my w acts mad at me or says she is, I have learned over the past year, there’s usually something else and that I am just an easy target.

I too will not be ready to date for a long time, like butterfly says, date Kyh!


It's pretty obvious. she's not monstering but she was upset because she was hurt I didn't invite her. I'm sure a lot of her anger is guilt, pain, frustration, etc. coming out but she had been being more friendly. I also see what you're talking about. Things like her get upset about me buying the kids coats or buying/making Halloween costumes. There's been a few others I can't remember. I'm far enough into this now i usually don't have a knee jerk reaction (or immediately catch it) to her w/these things so they don't escalate or so she doesn't pull my strings.

she seems to be over it now and is being friendly again. This weekend she asked if I could meet a delivery truck at her apt over my lunch because she had to get a new dryer. I agreed but don't know if I should have. She's always telling me of her appliance troubles in addition to her work problems. She also hold me she started cleaning properties for her landlord at nights she doesn't have the kids. I wonder if she was trying to get me to feel sorry for her.

Kyh #2767398 11/06/17 02:10 AM
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K,

Not sure if she was trying to make you feel sorry for her. But I think it’s a good thing she is trying to work more to earn more. That’s a good thing for her to do. I do think you should stop mind reading about her motivations. If she wants to communicate something to you, let her do the big girl thing and tell you! Stop placing all the burden on yourself to interpret her clues.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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I also think it is good that she took on extra work. I’m not putting too much energy into thinking about these things but do notice them. Anymore a lot of the time they are just passing thoughts. I think she was looking for praise.

It’s been a little while so I thought I would update. More of the same going on for the most part and xw has been friendly. I was out of town last week and the night I got back xw texts me saying she had a dream I was trying to take her custody away and asked if I was planning on doing that. I told her not to worry that I would never do that to her. She replied thanks and told me how it was bothering her and she could t sleep. Then she asked if I thought she would be okay to drive her car to a gas station in the morning because the message screen said refuel now! I told her I didn’t know. I waited while (for her to ask) then asked if she wanted me to bring her some gas. She said no she would be fine. Early the next morning she texted and asked me to. She said she had a dream she ran out of gas. I was relieved to do this, not good, especially with the kids in the car. When I was there she told me how she was t sleeping and having bad dreams. I reassured her I was t planning on trying to take her custody away and told her again I would never do that to her or the kids. She seemed relieved. Idk if she realizes her nightmare is what she did to me! She was also keen to show me her new dishwasher and that the dryer I went to meet the truck for was working. It was a little weird she was showing me this stuff but I just told her I was glad it was all fixed and she didn’t have to wash dishes anymore. I know she hated it from her childhood.

I also got ccd on an email between attorneys and it looks like xw is going to be held in contempt of court for or paying the guardian attorney. I’m sure this is multiplying her stress exponentially. I tried to research this but was t sure what actions the court takes. I know it’s not my circus but I do worry for her and I’d hate for my kids to see her get served etc. I never said anything to her about it. My attorney also asked to be taken off the ccs since it doesn’t involve me.

My S had his 9th bday a couple weeks ago. Xw came over on his bday and we had dinner, cake, and presents. It was a nice night for us. We also had a party for his friends yesterday. Xw had mentioned just having a get together with a couple of his friends and no presents, etc. so I had to put something together without making her feel bad. Not too many little kid parties left and don’t want him to miss out and he had been talking to me about his bday for a couple months. We did a party at a gymnastics place and the kids had a blast. Xw wouldn’t let me help w/cake or decorations but it worked out well.

Xw gave me the kids over the weekend since they are going w/her for Thanksgiving. I’m going to miss them but will have them at Christmas. I’m going to go see my family for a day or two but no big plans. I’ve been doing well overall but my boss has been awful the last month so I’m sure looking forward to a few extra days off work.

Hope everyone celebrating has a great Thanksgiving!

Kyh #2768841 11/20/17 09:59 AM
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Kyh,

I think you are doing very well in handling your situation.

I'm glad to read that you are getting cc's on the correspondence between the attorneys. I understand your concern for her, but she's made this mess and is now having to face the consequences of her actions. It's very sad and a shame because she's got a great husband and a couple of beautiful kids and a nice home that she walked away from.

I think you did the right thing with your son's birthday. He's not going to be a child much longer and the teen years are coming quickly. They grow up so fast and you want them to enjoy their childhood for as long as possible.

Please travel safely and enjoy the time you spend with your family. Leave the MLC mess at home and just try to enjoy the time away and enjoy eating food that others prepare for a change.

Happy Thanksgiving!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2768966 11/22/17 03:18 AM
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Much,

Happy thanksgivng to you too. Glad you are enjoying it with family. You seem not so bothered by the change in circumstances so am happy for you. You are a good dad.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Thanks job, it’s always nice to be reassured I’m handling things well.

Thanks Gordie. I am bothered by the change (especially last night after the kids left) but there isn’t much I can do about it so I have to do what I can and try to make the best of this. Enjoy your long weekend, I know it will be hard with your immediate sitch. Stay positive and enjoy the time with your kids!

Kyh #2772513 12/24/17 03:39 AM
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Just updating my thread today to wish everyone and their families a merry Christmas and happy holidays!

Kyh #2772523 12/24/17 04:59 AM
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Merry Christmas to you and your family. May 2018 be a better year for you and your family.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2772525 12/24/17 05:41 AM
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K,

Merry Christmas. How are you guys splitting Christmas?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Merry Christmas K! coco


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Happy New Year K! Hope all is well xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Originally Posted By: job
Merry Christmas to you and your family. May 2018 be a better year for you and your family.


Thank you job, I hope this is a great year for you and your loved ones as well!

Originally Posted By: Gordie
K,

Merry Christmas. How are you guys splitting Christmas?


Thanks Gordie! I hope your holidays went well. I need to catch up on your thread.

We agreed to every other year. There was a wtf moment when discussing this w/xw last week. I was talking to her about the schedule and she said next year the kids were old enough to decide where they wanted to go. I had to tell her no they weren't and I wanted my time. Then it got dropped. It's in our decree so it's a done deal if it ever comes up again.

Originally Posted By: bttrfly
Merry Christmas K! coco
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
Happy New Year K! Hope all is well xoxo


Thanks buttrfly! I hope you're doing well too, I need to catch up on your thread as well. I'm doing okay, had a good Christmas and New Years with the kids and the kids had a great break.

I will come back and catch up/update later. Hope you all had a great holiday season!

Kyh #2773516 01/02/18 09:40 AM
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It's been awhile since I've journaled. I haven't been coming here nearly as much but I'm still following along with most of the threads.

Things have been close to the same w/xw, she is still friendly w/me for the most part.

After Thanksgiving I got back after being gone for a week while her and the kids were in my house. When I came back xw and I started talking about s's video game problem. Xw says I think he should only be allowed to have them two days a week, which I am on board with but while talking about it she goes over tells the kids the new rule and takes the ipads away which lead to s having a complete meltdown.  I told her I agreed w/her but we should have done it different, she agreed but it was done.  A few weeks later and s is doing much better, doing chores, playing, playing w/d, and just being a kid.  It's been nice.

Xw has generally been friendly and chats when she is over but her mood does vary.  Lots of talk about getting old again.  She dive bombed me (again) and pointed out a hair she said looked light. I told her if I had any gray hair it was from her and we laughed.  During another conversation she was talking to me about her sister that she doesn't speak to.  She said something about what a pos she is and then paused and said something like, "Not that I have room to talk, after being a horrible person but she's..."  This is the first, maybe second time, she has acknowledged her behavior to me. I didn't dig and we moved on.  We've had a couple of nice friendly conversations but I do notice her attitude/mood seems to change when she comes around after hanging out w/mlc friend.

The kids had their Christmas program a couple weeks before Christmas. We were supposed to meet but she barely got the kids there in time so we didn't sit together.  My parents came to watch and when it was over I got s since his grade was dismissed by us.  We went out to the lobby and xw was talking w/my parents.  When we were going to leave she invited them to go to ice cream w/ the kids.  I was completely taken off guard.  About 2 years ago xw told me "I could care less if I see anyone in your family again" and has never liked my mom so this shocked me.  It was alright, didn't feel awkward or anything. The following week my mom sent some baklava for xw.  Xw looked confused when I gave it to her even though I heard them talking about it and my mom telling her she would send some.  I told xw but she told me she didn't remember.  She also texted to thank my mom but later asked me why she was being nice; she never hasn't been so IDK where this came from.

Things went well in regard to the holidays.  We talked about new years and I was going to take the kids.  After I thought about it that wouldn't leave me any holiday time next year since she gets Thanksgivings.  I tried to explain this to xw and she didn't get it, after this she tried to say the kids were old enough to decide where they wanted to go next year.  I told her no they weren't and I wanted every other year.  I had to drop it as she was getting agitated and trying to convince me I didn't make sense.  A couple hours later she texted and apologized saying she saw what I was saying and we would work it out.  IDK if she really didn't get it or if she had plans she didn't want interrupted, I'm kind of leaning towards the latter.  She said she was going to friend _'s or "a friend has a ticket for a comedy show" and she didn't know what she was doing.  I know I can't dwell or give it energy and that we're divorced but the way she said it made me wonder if she is seeing someone. If so it makes it a lot harder to stand and stfu.

We exchanged presents from the kids after Christmas.  I was a little sad that this is the reality xw choose for us but I'm trying to make the best of it.  S tried to get us to hug but IDT xw picked up on it.  I felt really bad, both kids have done this.  A couple days later xw brought my gift from the kids over.  After opening it and thanking everyone xw opened her arms for a hug and told me Merry Christmas.  I walked over and gave her a hug but I was not expecting it. 

The holidays went well and the kids had a great Christmas.  I did to but there were some moments when I really missed xw. I got lots of time off work and spent most of it with the kids.  We had a great time and got some sledding in.  Things were good for me for the most part. I did have a couple moments when I got unexpectedly hit hard but they passed quick.

Kyh #2773545 01/02/18 02:12 PM
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Hi Kyh,
Thanks for the update. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} I think you handled all of it beautifully. You are detached, focused on your life and the kids. This is what will keep you sane and give you peace.

May 2018 bring you everything you dream of and more xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Kyh,

Happy New Year (a bit late).

You are handling your situation with a lot of dignity, grace and a whole lot of patience. You've become detached from your wife's nonsense and can speak to her in a tone that she is hearing and acknowledging. You continue to focus on your life and most importantly, you are being a wonderful father to your children. You have a lot to be proud of because this particular "trip on the yellow brick road" is not fun at all.

My wish for you is that 2018 provides you w/some additional peace and answers as you continue to move forward.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2773703 01/03/18 04:50 PM
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K,

My little guys sometimes try to get us to hug. It hurts because I know what they want us to do...and feel like such a failure that I can’t give that to them.

Sounds like you handled the holidays as best as you could. Good that you stood up for yourself on what you wanted. In my agreement which splits holidays and switches every other year, if one party voluntarily gives up a holiday one year they don’t get to double dip the next year.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Thank you all for the kind words:)

Gordie, it’s sad but don’t feel like a failure for that, we’re doing all we can.

To those on the east coast keep warm and stay safe!

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Journaling/rambling

Same ol' same ol' for the most part. Xw came by weekend before last to pickup the kids when she got off work and ended up hanging out talking for 5-6 hours and had a few beers. Lots of listening on my end and I see she is in replay, she was texting a lot w/ lady from her last job that she hangs out with/went out with all the time when things were terrible. She's 23-24. Also, dyed MLC friends hair blue and another Manson concert this upcoming weekend. Not that I had any expectations, just saw where she was and it was a huge reminder to leave her be and focus on me and the kids. I do find it odd she tells me where she is going and who with a lot now. Not that it matters to me, there is zero trust on my end.

We caught up a little she told me one x step s in law got divorced and some of her troubles, really not good.

Xw's phone was going off a lot and xw then told me that my "cousin" (one of two friends from college that I hung out with and xw later moved in with) and her h were having trouble and she had been talking to her a lot. I knew they had before xw's Mlc kicked off. Xw told me some details about how she says he treats her and I said something about how terrible it was, etc. Then xw basically said I made her feel the same way (stupid) I told her I was sorry that I never meant to make her feel like that. I can't remember exactly what all was said but xw tried to project this on me. I told her I never did those things to her, then she said you did. I asked how and then she told me a story about her mom. I'll spare the abusive details but at the end of it was xw being called stupid. The vibe changed drastically and then we both said let's not talk about this and things went back to normal friendly and light the rest of the night.

OMG, I hope she's not dishing out advice, projecting, etc. to x step sil and "cousin!"

This really gets under my skin. I will own that I wasn't always the best h but no one is. I never talked down to xw, never abusive, never thought less of her, talked bad about her, etc. In fact I always told people my w was awesome, and she was. I will own what I should but not this rubbish she is talking about. It's almost comical, its so unlike me.

I also saw a lot of anger (not directed to me), maybe some towards om, from xw. She talks about music (and energy-saving light bulbs, lol) A LOT. I mentioned that the singer from a band we liked kicked a lady in the face and how it s---s when you find out things like this about someone and you're a fan of their work. Xw has always had a thing for red head guys and she went on a mini rant about how all red head guys must be pos's, blah blah. Wow, lots of anger and I'm so guessing OM had red hair and can see she has unawarely now added him to her list of issues to be dealt with.

Enough about xw. I've been doing good for the most part but I've had some moments and one rough day. Idk quite what going on w/myself but I've been having little short swings of depression and sleep variances. The swings are usually short and I can snap out of it, except for the one day. Even down to minutes long, having some dumb trigger and then crying a few minutes then fine like nothing happened. Idk if I'm processing and letting go or what. I also had the opposite one morning, I felt really really good. This worries me a little but I guess I will keep an eye on myself lol.

Still struggling w/GAL but I'll get it. I've been planning on taking the kids on their first ski trip soon. Oh boy, Idk if I'm up for it but they caught onto ice skating quick. We were going to go over Christmas break but it was really cold so I decided to wait. I also got a text from a friend I haven't seen in quite awhile today. We're going to try to get together soon and maybe get a ski day or two in. Funny because I was just thinking a few days before I needed to get ahold of him. We're just far enough apart to be a pain to get together. I need to quit being lazy about going to Denver, it's quick if traffic is okay.

I also joined a new single parents meetup group so I may give that a try again. The last one I mentioned abruptly closed for some reason. Also making sure to play lots of positive music for me and the kids.







Last edited by job; 01/17/18 12:59 AM. Reason: edited per the poster
Kyh #2775603 01/16/18 11:14 PM
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yeah, no Manson for the little ones, lol
Hi K, it's ok to have these moments, some rough, some the opposite. You're processing a lot and you've had to hold together a lot for the kids.

She's still in the oven and God help anyone to whom she's giving advice! Good grief!

Do you think some of your sleep variances and depression could be related to Seasonal Affective Disorder or is it residual from the D?

I think the first year post D is the hardest (at least that's what they say) so hang in there. Good to join another single parent meet up!! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Good for you to separate out what issues you will own and what is just b s. I think there is a section in the script for women only that includes a lot of these statements. I think a lot of men are guilty of these things but not all so they get written about a lot in women’s books, get posted on Facebook, and for some become part of their echo chamber. After a while, it’s me too about this and that and instead of criticizing specific men for specific actions it becomes all men for all actions. This happens to men too about certain ways they feel “all women” treat men, use men, manipulate men, etc. It dehumanizes us as individuals and when unfairly directed towards a romantic partner, it weaponizes memory itself. I was so hurt 10 years ago when you did such and such! The fact that you have no recollection of this event makes you defenseless.

Kyh


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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How did my salutation to Kyh wind up as a signature? Oops.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Dec 2015
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Sorry for taking so long to come back to my thread. It was a crazy week at work.

Originally Posted By: bttrfly
yeah, no Manson for the little ones, lol
Hi K, it's ok to have these moments, some rough, some the opposite. You're processing a lot and you've had to hold together a lot for the kids.

She's still in the oven and God help anyone to whom she's giving advice! Good grief!

Do you think some of your sleep variances and depression could be related to Seasonal Affective Disorder or is it residual from the D?

I think the first year post D is the hardest (at least that's what they say) so hang in there. Good to join another single parent meet up!! xoxoxo



I know some the depression is residual but seasonal depression is a possibility. I've had it affect me before but only in the fall as far as I know. I will have to get some vitamin D and see if it helps.

I hope the first year is the worst. I'm sure it will be, moving forward.


Originally Posted By: Gordie
Good for you to separate out what issues you will own and what is just b s. I think there is a section in the script for women only that includes a lot of these statements. I think a lot of men are guilty of these things but not all so they get written about a lot in women’s books, get posted on Facebook, and for some become part of their echo chamber. After a while, it’s me too about this and that and instead of criticizing specific men for specific actions it becomes all men for all actions. This happens to men too about certain ways they feel “all women” treat men, use men, manipulate men, etc. It dehumanizes us as individuals and when unfairly directed towards a romantic partner, it weaponizes memory itself. I was so hurt 10 years ago when you did such and such! The fact that you have no recollection of this event makes you defenseless.

Kyh


I know at least a couple of xw's friends she went to for support have husbands who fit that type so I'm sure they've projected their experiences when Xw went to them for support. I also think she's still projecting her childhood experiences onto me. She's brought up abusive experiences from her childhood from time to time throughout the entire crisis.

I work w/some of the all women are crazy types. It's sad people can't see that if ALL__ are___ that it's them.

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How’s it going?


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Hi Gordie, thanks for stopping by, especially w/so much going on. I'm doing alright, work has been stressful lately but not really much going on. I'm making it a ritual to do a weekly job search at a minimum.

Contact w xw is next to nothing via text or phone but she almost always comes in and hangs out when she gets kids. She usually makes tea or asks for a beer and talks to me about her work or kids for the most part. Usually for hours. Is this normal for Mlc? Last night she told me a story of her mom going to her school when she was in 2nd grade (same grade as D) being crazy. She told me because S had a bully issue at school and she went in. She told me she didn't want to turn into her mom but she knows it's in her.

Our conversations are friendly and we joke a little. I can she she has truly forgotten a lot. I referenced something last night and she told me didntbremember back then. Lots of listening on my part.

The kids and I are doing well for the most part. S's bully is a school-wide problem so he's not getting singled out. Not to downplay it but I think it's under control now. I've been feeling better than when I last posted. I think I had myself wore too thin. I know I was was also doing some processing though. I think we LBSs have to put a lot on the shelf when dealing w/the BD and what follows as it is too much too fast. Every once in awhile, sometimes out of nowhere, something clicks or I remember something and have to work through it. It's getting less and less though and things are getting easier to process.

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Originally Posted By: kyh
I think we LBSs have to put a lot on the shelf when dealing w/the BD and what follows as it is too much too fast. Every once in awhile, sometimes out of nowhere, something clicks or I remember something and have to work through it. It's getting less and less though and things are getting easier to process.


YES!!!

absolutely.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Kyh #2777750 02/05/18 12:44 AM
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No judgment here but curious. Are you okay with these multi hour conversations? She clearly still enjoys your company. Sounds like she treats you like a friend? Is that good or bad for you? And did I miss it—did you ever talk about the car insurance (or maybe it was something else)?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
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I'm okay with it but I have a lot of mixed feelings. I feel I'm detached enough not to have any expectations but if I found out she was seeing someone I know it would hurt and I don't think things would continue as they have been. I don't know where I stand with her. It could be friend, xh, father figure or maybe it varies. She may not even know. This is weird because those are not roles that I really want, friend is part of what I would like so maybe it's not a terrible place to be. Better than in the a-hole zone for no good reason. Another thing is right not she is not w material right now, not for me anyway. It takes a lot of piatience because she hasn't treated me as a friend and she has not shown me any remorse. Not exactly a great friendship either so that makes it hard but I know we can’t return to being close overnight.


I do have a lot of questions/thoughts about what I'm doing. They say it's a marathon so if she is staying somewhat close maybe that is not so bad. However, I don't want to put things on hold (relationship wise) forever and I would like for my kids to see an example of a happy healthy marriage. I don't want this to be normal even though it is our reality. I realize there will be a point where things have to change but today it works. It could change tomorrow but I'm trying not to think too far ahead. IDK what a potential lady would say about xw staying in my house all the time when I'm out of town and hanging out for hours lol.


I'm still paying her car insurance. IDK what I'm doing in that regard. I see her struggling and it's something I've just been taking care of for now. In a way I think of it as helping taking care of the kids because if she were paying it, it would leave her less.

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Hi Kyh

Wow, good detachment. If my W talked to me for hours I’d probably be a bundle of nerves at the end. It is interesting that xw has hours long conversations with you, friendly and even hugs. I agree with you, it’s not the normal you are wanting, but nice not being in the a-hole zone.

I understand you having questions and thoughts about what your doing. As they say, do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. From what I have seen your xw seems to feel comfortable and safe around you. So keep doing what your doing, it looks like it is going in the right direction.

Better keep the potential lady away from the house smile


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hi DnJ,

Thanks for stopping by. I need to finish getting caught up on your thread.

I thought I would add that these conversations are mostly about the kids or her. Definitely nothing deep or about R. Lots about her work. Sometimes it's like talking with a teenager and others an adult. There is a lot of listening on my part.

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K,

The lack of remorse part is tough. And you can’t ask for it. There is a newcomer who keeps asking his w to be remorseful...and that is fruitless.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
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2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie,

This is difficult. The closest thing I got to an apology for the affair (while it was happening) was her saying "I didn't think it would hurt you this much." I can almost laugh at this now though it's so crazy. Her threatening and trying to take the kids away from me though, much worse than the affair and not a word to me about it. There's no reason to have done that to me and I don't know if I will ever get over it. I still have those moments where I have to get calmed down and remind myself no one is taking them from me. Sometimes I think she may have remorse deep in there somewhere, then other times I really don't think she believes she did anything wrong. Maybe it varies but I think it's probably the later. It's wrong for everyone else but her (maybe she is turning into her mom).

I wanted to journal a few things while they're on my mind (lots of drive time again). She was running late and asked if I could pick up the kids from daycare after work yesterday. She came over to get them and s wanted to take my iPad w/him. He had a little fit and I almost gave in. After he walked into the garage xw says he doesn't need it and I said I know and did the fish hook sign and said I felt bad. Then xw tells me "when you're dead and empty on the inside like me then you don't feel bad about things like this." Maybe not the direct quote but close. I think I just kind of went uughhmm. It totally caught me off guard. What a horrible thing to say and horrible attitude about life.

Earlier that morning she called about something and was telling me about freaking out on a lady in a car that almost hit her. Then while telling me she starts yelling and said it almost happened again with the the same car on my street then said she's coming back by when she was parked in front of my house. Nice.. She was all worked up and I had to tell her to calm down and not let it ruin her day. So much anger in her, it has to be exhausting.

I had to go out of town again this week and asked xw if she could watch the dogs like we have been. She was doing the same for MLC friend the last few days and was complaining a little. I told her it was okay and I would figure something else out, then she said no it was okay. This happened three or four times before I left. The last time I told her I would see if my dad would be in town and if he would house sit. She told me no again and I told her she was complaining about it, she said she wasn't and she wanted to do it. Idk whatever I guess lol.

I had a bit of a realization tonight that I'm not as detached as I thought. I was having trouble hearing the kids on the phone. I had to hang up and call back and xw's vm answered and she changed it and is using her maiden name. Idk why this hit me like a punch in the stomach but it did. Thankfully not too long though. I've seen it change back and forth on school forms for the kids and this doesn't matter one bit. In fact I expected it 2 years ago, since I was such a terrible person and all. I can already feel myself letting go of this, but it unexpectedly hurt a little.

I hope you all had a great Valentine's Day!

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Kyh,

Your w described her depression to a "T". They have no feelings for anything and their empathy chips are very broken. I know that it was hard to hear her say this, but it's true for her and how she's feeling about the herself and the world around her at the moment.

If she continues to complain about dog sitting, set up a back up plan. In fact, I would do this anyway. It would provide her w/a view of you taking care of things w/o her having to be there to do this.

I think the vm change hit you a bit hard is because you and your w were getting along and things appeared to have been settling down just a bit. Even though you've been keeping your expectations low, you still were expecting her to keep things the same way, i.e., her married name vs. maiden name. They go through a lot of changing up on things because they truly do not know what they want and what makes them happy. She'll change the vm again before it is all said and done.

Try to keep the focus on you and your children.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted on my thread.

Not too much going on that's not beating a dead horse except for the last month or so XW has been showing me passive aggressive behavior and anger again. It's very frustrating but I think I've been doing a good job not playing into it and letting her be. She's apologized a couple times but largely ignores it. I think I'm to that point where I really don't care, in a good way. D's bday, my bday, and/or Easter seem to have all been triggers. I'm not putting much energy into thinking about it other than recognizing it (mostly redirected anger), but it can be very difficult to deal with the crazy. She's also accused me of patronizing her for thanking her for doing things, so I'm not validating too much. Now that I'm thinking about this I could write a page or two about the anger and crazy lately. I've called her out on a couple passive aggressive things and she's backtracked. She also seems to get nice after being angry.

I keep my contact minimal, as much as necessary but as little as possible, and I've noticed after couple weeks or so xw will make contact about something, text, or a friendly visit. I've also noticed her moods are varying a lot and can change in a heartbeat once again. I try to just let her be.

One thing that troubled me was this weekend S told me she gave him gluten pizza. He told her he told me so she apologized and told me they messed up her order and he was having a meltdown and she didn't know what to do. IDK if I can believe her or not, I know I can't trust her. I mentioned she did this once last fall. S told me she doesn't let him have it. I told her thank you for letting me know and we talked a little about it.

Strangely, yesterday I got a call from the school and S was very upset about not having anything gluten free available in the cafeteria as there is usually a sandwich station he can use if he needs to. I was nearby so I ran something over but the principal told me it wasn't listed on the cafeteria forms and he has been eating things with gluten and that they offer alternatives. I explained it was a behavior issue and I figure it got overlooked as when we signed him up and go over his plan we told them it wasn't an allergy to not cause alarm if he accidentally had any. She put it on his chart and it was sorted. I also let s know it was okay and he wasn't in trouble and I wasn't mad but that he needed to follow the rules. From his view how does he know it's not okay if mom lets him do it sometimes?

I didn't say anything to xw until last night when I talked to the kids. She freaked out, mad at me and mad at the school. I didn't handle it right because I waited until the evening to tell her and I didn't get mad, lol. She said she was going in there today. I'm glad it's not my circus. I tried to be rational but she wouldn't have it so again I let her be. she's told me of her mom going into school when she was a kid, now she's doing the same thing but can't see it and she's mad at the school for the doing nearly the same thing she did.

I also got a letter from the school that the kids have 15 tardies this year. These are all when they are with xw.

I hope getting this straightened out will help with some of s's behavior. Sometimes we struggle and he goes from 0-100 in a snap but most of the time he's a great kid. I've been working with him a lot on controlling himself, I think we had a small breakthrough this week when I made him write an apology letter to the daycare supervisor and own up to his behavior.

I've been doing well but still struggling with gal'ing. Hopefully the spring weather will help but it seems like I'm out of town for work or have the kids and am running crazy. I'm feeling more detached than ever but still have those days (not many) when I miss her. But more often than not her presence is a reminder she is a different person.

I found a psych podcast for students/professionals that I've found very useful and have been enjoying. In particular, I found the episodes on defense mechanisms and borderline personality disorder helpful. I also picked up on two questions which I find useful. Does my response distort reality? And, Does my response distort my feelings?

I was cleaning up my phone notes and found a list of goals I made a couple years ago, in a much worse place. I accomplished all of the things I had listed and although not all of it was as I pictured it was a reminder on how far I've come, in fact a had a little laugh reading some of it.

I hope you are all doing well. I haven't been posting much but follow along somewhat regularly still. Take care everyone!

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I forgot to mention xw has been staying at my house when I'm out of town. After Job's suggestion above, I found out mlc friend came over one night and I didn't want xw to think that was why. My dad also started projects in two other cities so he isn't always available to house sit. I didn't let xw know but I did tell her she was complaining and I would make arrangements and she said no she liked house sitting and seeing the dogs so I've left it at that for now.

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2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Test

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In case it helps, my posts that didn't show up were from iOS 11.3 and the one above that did work came from my old iPad using iOS 9.3.5. Both previews worked.

Xw has been friendly towards me again since I last posted. She often hangs around while switching kids or coming by to drop off/pick up something. She talks to me a lot about her work, mostly venting. There have been a couple things I though I would journal about. At the tax deadline xw asked about filing married. I laughed and said we can't, were divorced. She told me she didn't think we were and that she didn't think it was finalized. I showed her the decree and even then she texted her lawyer to ask. It was done a year ago. She acted happy but idk if it was real or not. sometimes she is incredibly giddy and sometimes idk if her "happy" is real. Other times she is really down.

xw has now become a workout freak. She tells me about it all the time and brought me protein powder to try. Last week d tells me swear leaves them alone in the morning to go to the gym! Then s says to her were to supposed to tell anyone. I assured them they weren't in trouble and d told me she goes to the gym in the morning before they get up and how the tablet was linked to her phone in case they needed something! I had to call xw out on it, fully expecting her to freak out. I didn't chastise but just said it wasn't acceptable and that if working out was that important to her to bring the kids over in the morning and I would get them ready or come there to. She immediately started apologizing, telling me she only did it once and then about how she was left alone to young. I told her I knew and that I was sorry that happened to her as a child and how I was left alone too early as well but times have changed and she can't do that. Idk if I believe her about only doing it once but I don't think she will again. I guess I sure need to keep my eyes open. I can't believe she did this, she knew it was wrong but did it anyway.

I've been alright except for work stress. My boss is difficult (to be very nice) and the best help I've had just quit. This is followed by another about a month earlier whose replacement told me he is going to quit. So that leaves me. Trying to be patient while I search for something that fits and appreciate what I have but it's frustrating.

I hope everyone is doing well and hopefully enjoying some nice spring weather!

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Hi Kyh, thanks for the update.
Wow. Glad you called her out. Why do they have to repeat their childhoods? Crazy that she didn't know you were divorced. You are a kind man. She's lucky.

Good luck with your job search. I'm sure you will find something far more to your liking.

xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
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She did not know you were divorced

My w also has these inexplicablw lapses

Your w is not well and still in crisis

I keep praying for you

Working out like crazy is a physicsl manifestation of her trying to address her crisis

So many of us see that


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
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2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Stopping by to wish all the moms here a Happy Mother's Day! I hope you all had a good one!

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You too

How are you doing


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
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2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Thanks bttrfly and Gordie.

I'm doing good, a little stressed from several things but I'm well. The kids seem to be doing well for the most part too.

A few things I wanted to write about tonight. Xw has been over somewhat regularly. Friday she texted about her car saying she was scared to drive it. I fixed it for her and she was very grateful. She mentioned getting it cleaned up and taking better care of it after I fixed it so that is a good thing. Holy cow she has ran it into the ground though (I hadn't seen it in a long time). I don't expect anything from this but to have it safe for her and the kids. She stuck around for dinner, excited about the pizza I made, and we all ate dinner together which was nice.

I had the kids yesterday evening as xw went to a concert, she was supposed to go w/Mlc friend but told me she went alone when she was telling me about it when I came home from work. She picked the kids up from school and came to my house until I came home from work, she's done this a couple times now, saying its close to the school. She was also excited to tell me she got a new job. She has been complaining to me about her work for awhile and working on her resume here. She told me she was excited to get her weekends back with the kids and how she didn't want them to remember her working all the time. I can tell by the way she was talking she doesn't realize nearly 3 years has gone by since BD.

Something else I noticed is that she was hesitant to go to the concert on Mother's Day, s was a little upset and she gave me a look, she felt bad.

Now for some crazy. Our babysitter told me she wasn't available this summer and I couldn't figure anything out. Xw asked me about her sister coming back for the summer to help watch the kids. I have some reservations but I'm okay with it and it will help xw. I was thinking she would come here to watch the kids during the day. I'm pretty sure this is what we talked about. Xw now suggested xsil stay at my house during my week w/the kids. I told xw I thought it would be better if she stayed with her, she asked why and I told her I thought it was a little more normal. Xw was trying to justify it saying she wouldn't have to come over all the time that way, then got upset and said, fine if you don't want her here. I told her its not that and that I don't have a problem with xsil but I think it would be more normal for her to stay with her. She left upset, not sure what to say. That is strange right?

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Yes

That is weird

SIL should not live with you

Just say no

Why do you say she does not realixe it has been three years since b d


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2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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I agree w/Gordie. SIL shouldn't come over and stay at your house during your week of having the kids. Stay firm and say no.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you Gordie and Job! I know that is off but being close to the situation it's nice to get feedback.

Gordie, I can't remember what she said exactly, something about the kids growing up fast, and it just seemed to me she is about a year short on time. I didn't pay it much attention and could be wrong, just something that I noticed while talking to her.

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How are you doing


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Hi gordie, thanks for checking in. I come by here regularly still but sometimes days between.

I've been doing good overall but had a rough couple weeks last month. Over it now though. I've been home more than usual so that's been nice but work has been stressful and lots of people quit or are quitting. I've been enjoying my time with the kids and have had time to do things around the house on my off weeks since I've been home more than usual.

I've been trying to get outdoors and enjoy the summer. I took the kids out on their first off-road experience and they loved it (after the first couple head slams). It was a little bit of a trigger for me as xw and I used to take trails and hike all the time and I missed having her. Oh well, the kids and I had a good time and they are excited to go again. I love getting them excited about outdoors/nature.

Xw gave me trouble over xsil and staying with me. I had to stick to it, she was ridiculous with her excuse about having to get up and ready. Then she had xs il ask which made it awkward. I told her that I didn't want the d and that I was still trying to navigate things and am still getting things figured out. I also said it wasn't personal, but it was what I bought was best right now. Xw still fought me on it, seems like it disrupted her plans as she's been agitated w me since. I don't really care. What stinks is old babysitter called after daily was here and her plans had changed but it was too late.

Xw seems to have regressed but it's been a couple weeks since I talked to her. Her cousin (a few years older) passed away and I think it hit her hard. She texted me and then talked to me when I got back into town. I offered my support as much as I could and let her know I was there if she needed anything. Not sure what else I could do. I fixed her car again at this time and then when she came to get it I asked if the kids got to talk to her mom (because it was her bday) and xw flipped and accused me of thinking she is a bad mom. Ugh, frustrating but I feel like I can deal w these things without too much issue anymore. Xw also started a new job, maybe two, during all this so lots of change again. I don't know if it's all this stuff or xsil or both but it seems to have changed the dynamic of things.

Overall the kids and I are doing well. The summer is already flying by I'm enjoying it with them as much as I can.

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you're setting healthy limits for yourself and not reacting to the drama. all good my friend. I wish you had less stress, but these things come in cycles. good for you for holding your ground! good to hear from you Kyh xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
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Kyh

Agree with butterfly on your healthy limits

W does not like having reality intrude on her fantasy

It is a fine line to walk between kindness and letting them experience their own consequences

Re the comment do you think I am a bad mom I get those too and yes her aggression towards you is not pleasant but sounds like you are doing a good job of seeing that it is not about you and shaking it off and moving on

Love taking the kids on a good hike


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Kyh #2800324 07/09/18 02:44 PM
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Restoring KyH post

Originally Posted By: Kyh
Sorry but I need to vent. Boy do I feel stupid. I got a lesson on detachment today. This morning I got a text from x telling me she has been seeing someone and has introduced him to the kids. Something in me broke, I felt it in my stomach and my voice changed. I feel like a fool, I know I shouldnt be surprised but I am. How do I deal w her crap? I m fixing her car because its literally pumping oil out the ground and shes off w a guy. I do things like this to take care of my kids but it also keeps me in a place. If I didnt she would drive my kids to god knows where like that until it blew. Im also a month ahead on child support because she needed money, still paying her insurance, have had to put gas in her car, and have had to send groceries w her on her week so my kids have to enough or arent stranded on the middle of the road. If it was just her she could take the bus but Im having to take care of my kids through this. I feel very used and like a fool. Detach detach detach. She doesnt even deserve me as a xh but thats not how I feel. And shes sleeping in my bed when Im out of town. Ugh, why am I surprised? she slept w someone else and then slept w me in it. And what kind of guy is okay with that? I dont think my next gf will be staying in her xs bed when hes not home lol.

I know its her right to date and I was about as far from controlling as one could be but this hurts, especially knowing all her poor decisions and how this affects the kids. Plus I think he is acquaintance of mlc friend. I question my decision to give her 1/2 custody sometimes.

She tried to be nice when I got the kids but she knows Im mad. Partly at myself but also at her. Not necessarily this but the whole mess, all of it! I have lots of resentment towards her. I didnt say more than hi but when I looked on the mirror leaving I had grinch face, you know the scene. Not a good look for me:)

I didnt do anything yet but I am thinking of getting the last few things of hers put together, give them to her and ask her to only communicate with me about the kids and through text and tell her Im taking her car off my policy at the end of the month. I really want to tell her to never speak to me again and I mean it but I have kids in this mess. Idk I guess I need to calm down and think but Im tired of this. Maybe a little time so Im not just unloading after she told me that, tit for tat. She could have hidden it from me and it is good she told me but Im a used fool nonetheless. Thank you and sorry if you made it through that but it needed to come out. I dont want to carry that energy.

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KyH, you are not a fool. No one has made a fool out of you. Of the three adults in this scenario, would you rather be the selfish W who destroyed her family, the slime bag OM who is participating in that relationship with her or the solid can-do guy who keeps caring and loving for his family and always putting his kids needs before his own, even when it breaks his heart? You are a hero in that scenario, don't doubt it.

One day when her head is clear, she will realize what all of us realize about you!

Don't doubt your own goodness just because someone else keeps shoveling poop on it. Your goodness is real and your concern for your kids is GOOD. I do many of those same things for my H when he is doing anything with the kids because I know otherwise they will get no care at all. It doesn't make us fools; it is a further proof that we are good parents -- and good spouses! -- and choose a path to put family first even when all we want to do is sink into bitterness and vengeance!

Hugs to you. I know exactly the horrible pit-of-stomach sick feeling you are feeling. It will get better, it will!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Gerda #2800362 07/10/18 12:11 AM
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Stay strong K.

You are not alone. We have your back.

V

Vapo #2800370 07/10/18 12:34 AM
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Marvin,

Thank you for restoring Kyh's posting.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you all for the help and replies. Im doing much better today and I have been able to step back from the situation a little. I also see who I have been working on myself xw has went from om to om through this in typical mlc style. This is third om that shes introduced the kids to as far as I know and thats not good.

I was wanting to write more but the kids are fighting me on bed and someones back up so I will have to catch up later.

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Kyh

When my w introduced on2 to the kids it broke my heart

I literally felt the pain in my body as well as my spirit

The pain was good in that it is what made me finally let go

And while there is no right answer on what you should specifically be doing or not doing I suggest that you follow your conscience

For me my conscience told me to stop doing anything for her at all even if it helped the kids because it hurt me too much so I stopped completely

Only you know what is right for you but fixing her car no I could no longer do that


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Kyh #2800886 07/12/18 02:51 PM
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{{{{{{{Kyh}}}}}}}

Wow that's a lot to take in my friend.

So let's separate out the various threads. There is the obvious and real hurt from OM3. Feel your feelings and then let them go to the best of your ability. This isn't easy.

Then there's the more troubling thread to me, which is that whether consciously or unconsciously she has the kids as a reason to keep you enabling her.

Only you can determine what you feel comfortable doing here. The faster she has to either take care of herself or fall on her face, the faster she will possibly get the help she obviously needs.

I would consider giving her a specific time frame for taking her car off your policy, say three months. That gives her enough time to plan. Then you'd have to absolutely follow through.

If she can't take care of the kids should she in fact have 50/50? Only you know what's right there.

I forget how old the kids are so I'm not sure how much longer you have to deal with her, but isn't your youngest 7 or so?

Protect yourself. That's how you can best protect your children. And no, your next GF won't be sleeping in her ex's bed, I think that's clear to all of us.


I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

xoxoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Vapo #2801272 07/15/18 06:09 AM
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
you're setting healthy limits for yourself and not reacting to the drama. all good my friend. I wish you had less stress, but these things come in cycles. good for you for holding your ground! good to hear from you Kyh xoxo


I've also noticed I'm doing better w limits in general. yes, a very good thing🙂

Originally Posted by Gerda
KyH, you are not a fool. No one has made a fool out of you. Of the three adults in this scenario, would you rather be the selfish W who destroyed her family, the slime bag OM who is participating in that relationship with her or the solid can-do guy who keeps caring and loving for his family and always putting his kids needs before his own, even when it breaks his heart? You are a hero in that scenario, don't doubt it.

One day when her head is clear, she will realize what all of us realize about you!

Don't doubt your own goodness just because someone else keeps shoveling poop on it. Your goodness is real and your concern for your kids is GOOD. I do many of those same things for my H when he is doing anything with the kids because I know otherwise they will get no care at all. It doesn't make us fools; it is a further proof that we are good parents -- and good spouses! -- and choose a path to put family first even when all we want to do is sink into bitterness and vengeance!

Hugs to you. I know exactly the horrible pit-of-stomach sick feeling you are feeling. It will get better, it will!


Thank you Gerda, your post really helped me the day I read it.

Originally Posted by Vapo
Stay strong K.

You are not alone. We have your back.

V


Thank you for following and the support, I appreciate it.

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Originally Posted by Gordie
Kyh

When my w introduced on2 to the kids it broke my heart

I literally felt the pain in my body as well as my spirit

The pain was good in that it is what made me finally let go

And while there is no right answer on what you should specifically be doing or not doing I suggest that you follow your conscience

For me my conscience told me to stop doing anything for her at all even if it helped the kids because it hurt me too much so I stopped completely

Only you know what is right for you but fixing her car no I could no longer do that


Thank you Gordie. I am going to try to only do things directly for the kids here out. this may be a difficult balance.




Originally Posted by bttrfly
{{{{{{{Kyh}}}}}}}

Wow that's a lot to take in my friend.

So let's separate out the various threads. There is the obvious and real hurt from OM3. Feel your feelings and then let them go to the best of your ability. This isn't easy.

Then there's the more troubling thread to me, which is that whether consciously or unconsciously she has the kids as a reason to keep you enabling her.

Only you can determine what you feel comfortable doing here. The faster she has to either take care of herself or fall on her face, the faster she will possibly get the help she obviously needs.

I would consider giving her a specific time frame for taking her car off your policy, say three months. That gives her enough time to plan. Then you'd have to absolutely follow through.

If she can't take care of the kids should she in fact have 50/50? Only you know what's right there.

I forget how old the kids are so I'm not sure how much longer you have to deal with her, but isn't your youngest 7 or so?

Protect yourself. That's how you can best protect your children. And no, your next GF won't be sleeping in her ex's bed, I think that's clear to all of us.


I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

xoxoxoxoxo


Thanks buttrfly. Yes, feeling this and letting it go! I have no room to carry these feelings/energy with me.

It is troubling that I am enabling her through the kids. ive been thinking about this and idk, I guess I need to make sure their needs are met, stay detached, and leave it at that.

I haven't said anything yet to her about anything but thank you for suggesting 3 months. No sense making the situation worse.

D is 8 and S is 9 so I've got awhile to deal w her. It also severely limits my job opportunities although I may be able to commute a town over once the kids are a little older.



Not much going on just enjoying the kiddos. I did find another single parent meetup that started last week so hopefully that will help w gal. The last one I mentioned joining closed abruptly and didn't organize much.

Xw texted a couple times a few days after telling me. She was being friendly and I try to be nice but short which upsets her. She texted she had some gluten free bread she bought s but he didn't like it and that it was good and asked if I wanted it. I told her if she liked it she should keep it but thanks. Then I got a nasty reply I didn't respond to. Then an apology. I replied thanks and then she told me not to be short w her. She was better this weekend but I kept my texts minimal.

Kyh #2801287 07/15/18 11:03 AM
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Just caught up. Sorry to hear this. We know she isn't attracting good people in the state she's in. It's not possible.

Take some time to process it all and then once you have, you can decide what you will and will not continue to do for her. I used to make these decisions by thinking: what advice would I give my kids in this scenario?

One foot in front of the other. You will get through this and be stronger.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Kyh #2801340 07/15/18 07:11 PM
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Hi HaWho, good to hear from you. I hope you and your boys are doing well.

I should have known when the puke got cleaned out of her car lol! You’re exactly right, she’s probably not attracting good people which makes it harder to detach w/the kids. I hope we’re wrong but it’s not likely. I sometimes wonder if I have a keep your enemies closer type of situation to consider.

I like the advice about what would I tell the kids in the scenario, it kind of takes you a step out of the situation. thank you!

Kyh #2801901 07/18/18 04:38 AM
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My H always talks about food and tries to get me to try stuff, even when he has been horrible. I think it's one way they can connect that feels not scary.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Gerda #2804881 08/03/18 03:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Gerda
My H always talks about food and tries to get me to try stuff, even when he has been horrible. I think it's one way they can connect that feels not scary.


I think your right, I just don’t understand why, maybe she’s just doing the best she can.

I thought I would journal a little bit. I picked up a getting over an affair book and there was a chapter about signs you’re partner will cheat. I could check every box for xw and it took a nanosecond to think of an example of each. That helps me accept my reality and was a good reminder to keep looking forward.

I’ve tried to be as dark as possible and x got nasty, she mentioned hurting her arm and than had a flat a few days later. She later sent a nasty text about me not asking how she was or what happened to her arm and that she had a blow out and it scared her. I told her I was glad she was okay and that she did t say she had a blowout but I’m glad all was well. I got another nasty reply about how she would ask if it were me because she cares etc etc. to which I didn’t reply. A few days and she’s nice again but I keep short. she called me this weekend, I tried to give her to the kids but she said it didn’t matter and talked a few minutes then to the kids when I asked again but it didn’t seem to be why she called. Weird.

I’ve had some shoulder trouble this week and had Gau sha done tonight. It was new for me and wow it feels better. I hope it lasts.

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What is Gau sha?

What did you do to your shoulder?

K your x still sounds quite controlling

Glad you did not give in to her attempted guilt trips

Now that I am no longer spinning

I sometimes have to chuckle when w criticizes my behavior and tells me how she would never do anything like that


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Kyh #2804885 08/03/18 05:12 AM
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Hi Gordie,

It’s kind of muscle scraping. I was supposed to have a 30 minute follow up massage and
ended up getting that. I didn’t realize it was almost an hour until I left.

I have an old injury with some nerve damage that’s been really bad lately and I’m not sure why it got worse. I had been doing really good with it.

Yes, I think she is being very controlling. She gets upset if I don’t say or do what she wants me to.

When they say they wouldnt do this or that it really shows how far out there they are. Xw is such a hypocrite sometimes but truly can’t see it.

Kyh #2804889 08/03/18 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Kyh
she called me this weekend, I tried to give her to the kids but she said it didn’t matter and talked a few minutes then to the kids when I asked again but it didn’t seem to be why she called. Weird.




not weird. cake eating. or trying to ... she wants you to be right where she left you.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
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I am so sorry about your shoulder. It may be bothering you because of the weather or even some stressors in your life.

As for your w, I agree w/bttrfly...she expects you to be right where she left you. When she senses you are pulling away, she becomes angry to reel you back in and, of course, you begin to show her a bit of attention and then she's nice again. It's the distancer/pursuer dance. She's very good at it. You might want to read the thread on distancer/pursuer and see if that is going on. You have to be the one to change the dynamics of the dance.

Take care of that shoulder and give the kids big hugs from all of us.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kyh #2805172 08/05/18 04:20 AM
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Thank you job and bttrfly. It’s strange when I’m in the situation. I know I’m in that trap but was second guessing myself a little (even though I know better) and navigating it is another story. I’m going to reread my homework after this.

I will give the kids an extra hug:) they’re doing good for the most part. They’re excited for school in a few weeks. It’s hard to believe that’s almost that time but it will be a relief for me when they’re back in school.

Kyh #2805268 08/06/18 01:33 AM
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yeah i bet - that staples commercial, "it's the most wonderful time of the year"

hahhaha

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Kyh #2805502 08/07/18 05:16 AM
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I had to look it up lol.

It really will be nice not dealing w/ex as much in a few weeks. Today was a treat. I picked the kids up before she was home and she flipped out for not saying bye to them tonight. I didn’t think anything of it, I think she was there or asked to bring them over before on the switch days. Regardless, there is no reason to act the way she does and I think she was at om’s This morning and didn’t see them, that’s my hunch. I think I dealt w/her okay. She was yelling at me on the phone and I calmly told her it wasn’t a big deal (we live 5 min apart) and asked why she thought I would try to upset her on purpose, then she started crying and I said bye. She came over to see them real quick asked me to the side and said the same thing and I calmly gave her the same replies and told her this was no reason to treat me like this. She wanted a fight but quit after I wouldn’t bite. She also told me things are probably changing soon and asked about her dog. I told her I wanted to share him. I’m sure that means she’s moving in w/om. Smh. Again already, lol.

Kids are talking about him a lot too, they’ve been staying there sometimes. Not fun to hear, I had to tell them not to talk about it anymore but had to listen enough to know what’s going on. A lot of things clicked, including a couple more ways ex has been using me.





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It's been awhile so I thought I would update//journal tonight. I've been doing well and the kids are back in school which has been nice. They are excited about it this year! last year s didn't like going because his good friend was in another class but this year they're together!

I've been doing lots of processing lately and spending a lot of time in my head with a little lower and upper brain battling. Before the kids started school I ended up having to pick them up at exs bfs house (can't find apostrophe on new iPad keyboard). It bothered me for about 10 minutes and I got over it. It was a little upsetting seeing a house twice the size of mine, statue, new vehicles etc, but after I thought about it a few minutes it hit me that I don't judge other people that way so why was I judging myself that way. I know better than that. It also struck me that I had nothing to be jealous of w/regard to ex. She was with me when she was happy and fun except for when she was in pain the last couple years of our m. He knows a completely different person than I do. If I were jealous it would in a way confirm to ex that she made the right choice, when I'm not it changes that.

Exs bday was a few weeks ago. I took the kids shopping and let them pick out their own gifts and gave ex a card from me. I have the kids make their own cards for bdays, etc so we stuck with that too. I had the kids that day and she was supposed to get them that morning. She didn't come until that afternoon because she didn't feel good. She only had the kids a couple hours before bringing them home. Her bf dropped them off. I bothered me for about a minute and it feels good to be moving further down my path. I think this is also a little easier to accept because she's not cheating, were divorced and it's not an affair partner that I know of. She went w/him on a mini-vacation a week later so I had the kids some extra time. Funny but it felt good knowing ex was out of town.

A couple years ago I went to my first Reiki session and the lady I go to also practices Ho oponopono and had the four steps (please forgive me, I'm sorry, I love you, thank you) on some artwork. I was thinking about this towards both myself and ex since I first saw it. I struggled with that last one but I'm there now (at least enough to feel comfortable to say it). I'm thankful for my exs d except for the pain it caused our kids, it has taught me many lessons and I'm a better person for it.

It's a weird relationship I have w ex. When she was over the other day she told me about her cycle and problems she's having, the next time she'll be nasty, back to nice, who knows... Funny she is comfortable with me to discuss these things after all of this. I've thought about this some and I don't think ex has ever had a safe place other than with me. I guess it's a good thing if I can still give her that as an ex. I really do feel sorry for her.

I do still struggle w/self confidence from her affairs, a letter she gave me, and some things she said. I know I need to go back to the basics and not believe what she said but it's sometihing I had to put on the shelf at the time.

There is a lady that I talk to in a store every few weeks. I actually met her about 5 years ago and then again about a year ago. I enjoy our small talk which is not something I'm good at or usually care for until I get to know someone, I'm very quiet and introverted. I feel dumb writing this but I'm really bad with these things (besides what I mentioned above now) and I'm not sure if she's just being nice or if she's interested. I thought so but then wasn't sure after the next time we talked. She is working in a store so is expected to be nice which makes it hard. We talk enough to know each other's bdays, that I'm divorced, she also asks about s from time to time. She's also never mentioned a boyfriend to me. I'll find out eventually I guess.







Last edited by Kyh; 09/13/18 06:08 AM.
Kyh #2812438 09/14/18 03:58 AM
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Kyh

You sound well

Not sure I have advice for you

Except to ask that lady if she would like to have a cup of coffee

Maybe you will become friends or who knows what


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Kyh #2812611 09/15/18 05:53 PM
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Kyh - I am glad to read your update / journaling. I have followed you since I found myself here. I also do not recall posting to you very often, my apologies for that. We can all use feedback and I have gain wisdom from your postings. Thanks for sharing. I agree with Gordie you sound well.

A very good resolution to the lower vs upper brain battle you were having. You are right no need to compare lives. Jealousy will not serve you well, glad to see you let it go.

Originally Posted by Kyh
I do still struggle w/self confidence from her affairs, a letter she gave me, and some things she said. I know I need to go back to the basics and not believe what she said but it's sometihing I had to put on the shelf at the time.

Oh that is so true. Our self confidence gets such a smack down at BD, and then everything they say just compounds and crushes it further, and the affairs really stir it all around.

Kyh, just keep at it. You know her affairs are just symptoms, her attempting to feel better. The things she said, are just that, things she said, nothing more - do not make them out to be more than there are. Her statements are mostly justifications for her actions, again you know this. Now you need to believe this, get that realization right into your core, in to your convictions and character.

I totally understand having to put this on the shelf at the time. We have too much going on and cannot handle everything at once.

I found it very hard to get W’s beliefs out of my head and heart. For me I looked at things accurately and followed where it lead me.

To purge “her” poison from your core, be accurate and thoughtful when reflecting - on what she has said, who you were, and who you are now. I think you will find that most of her thoughts are bogus, you are just making them real in your head.

Originally Posted by Kyh
There is a lady that I talk to in a store every few weeks. I actually met her about 5 years ago and then again about a year ago. I enjoy our small talk which is not something I'm good at or usually care for until I get to know someone, I'm very quiet and introverted. I feel dumb writing this but I'm really bad with these things (besides what I mentioned above now) and I'm not sure if she's just being nice or if she's interested. I thought so but then wasn't sure after the next time we talked. She is working in a store so is expected to be nice which makes it hard. We talk enough to know each other's bdays, that I'm divorced, she also asks about s from time to time. She's also never mentioned a boyfriend to me. I'll find out eventually I guess.

It is ok to feel dumb, or maybe unsure. I like unsure better, I do not consider you dumb in any aspect so from my viewpoint unsure is more accurate.

I found that I felt very unsure of people’s feeling and motives until I got my confidence back and started to believe in myself again.

I get that you are unsure, shy, and fearful of rejection. You know what, we all are, I am, and this lady you talk to probably is also. The idea that she is just being nice because she works in a store and is expected too be, is your fear talking and feeding justification for not proceeding further.

You have lived through something terrible and painful, there are going to be some scars and freshly healed wounds. You also have survived this, you really have little to fear, and when you see just where you are and who you are, you will be confident.

If you decide not to proceed or ask her for a date that is absolutely fine. Just do not let fear make that decision for you.

For what it’s worth, and from a guy who hasn’t dated in 30 years. You both know each other’s birthdays, she knows you are divorced, and she asks about son every now and then. She is interested.

I also agree with Gordie - you should ask her if she would like to have a cup of coffee. If you are ready for that.

I have many people recommending I date. I still choose not too. For myself I do not want to break anyone’s heart due to me not being ready. That of course is a an academic discussion since I am standing and still married. However looking at the possibility of dating did help clarify reasons and beliefs for me standing. It also showed me I could stand down someday and be fine.

I do not know where you are with respect to that, I think you are further along than me.

Kyh, I think you are doing really well. Like always do what is best and right for you.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ #2812659 09/16/18 04:47 AM
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Thank you Gordie and DnJ, I really appreciate the replies. DnJ, no need to apologize, I've followed your threads but haven't posted much either. I'm glad my posts have helped, I've gained a lot from yours as well.

Thank you for reminding me the affairs are a symptom and about what she said. Things she told me really made no sense, much of the time she would say one then then the opposite.

Originally Posted by DnJ


Originally Posted by Kyh
I do still struggle w/self confidence from her affairs, a letter she gave me, and some things she said. I know I need to go back to the basics and not believe what she said but it's sometihing I had to put on the shelf at the time.

Oh that is so true. Our self confidence gets such a smack down at BD, and then everything they say just compounds and crushes it further, and the affairs really stir it all around.


It is ok to feel dumb, or maybe unsure. I like unsure better, I do not consider you dumb in any aspect so from my viewpoint unsure is more accurate.

I found that I felt very unsure of people’s feeling and motives until I got my confidence back and started to believe in myself again.

I get that you are unsure, shy, and fearful of rejection. You know what, we all are, I am, and this lady you talk to probably is also. The idea that she is just being nice because she works in a store and is expected too be, is your fear talking and feeding justification for not proceeding further.

You have lived through something terrible and painful, there are going to be some scars and freshly healed wounds. You also have survived this, you really have little to fear, and when you see just where you are and who you are, you will be confident.

If you decide not to proceed or ask her for a date that is absolutely fine. Just do not let fear make that decision for you.

For what it’s worth, and from a guy who hasn’t dated in 30 years. You both know each other’s birthdays, she knows you are divorced, and she asks about son every now and then. She is interested.

I also agree with Gordie - you should ask her if she would like to have a cup of coffee. If you are ready for that.

I have many people recommending I date. I still choose not too. For myself I do not want to break anyone’s heart due to me not being ready. That of course is a an academic discussion since I am standing and still married. However looking at the possibility of dating did help clarify reasons and beliefs for me standing. It also showed me I could stand down someday and be fine.

I do not know where you are with respect to that, I think you are further along than me.

Kyh, I think you are doing really well. Like always do what is best and right for you.

DnJ


Thank you for this! It really does help. I have also had people recommend I date but I knew I wasnt ready before. I know exactly what you are saying about not breaking someone's heart and I told myself I wouldn't date until I knew I wouldn't put myself in a situation of having to choose between someone and ex if she tried to come back after I were dating someone and it was going well. I thought a lot about it and I'm there. I really can't see ex changing.

When I wrote about ex texting me she had introduced the kids to her bf and something in me changed it really did feel like a shift inside me, I think it was my door closing.

Last edited by Kyh; 09/16/18 04:49 AM.
Kyh #2812697 09/16/18 05:52 PM
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Good Morning Kyh

I am glad you saw my post as I intended. We are facing some of, if not the most difficult times of our lives, things can get miscommunicated easily on a format like this. A lot of topics can be polarizing such as dating

FWIW, I believe that all our paths will eventually and inexorably lead to moving on, to dating someone new. I will clarify this a bit. Given enough time that would happen, so it becomes a very personal choice and realization of when. If our lifespan was 1000 years, I don’t think many would stand for decades or centuries. It does make me wonder what our vows would be if granted such a long life.

I am pleased to see your choice and acceptance of events. It was a good feeling to read how you had the same thoughts regarding not breaking someone’s heart and when you can move on, the not keeping W as plan B.

An interesting view I have is that moving on doesn’t exclude the possibility of dating EXW in the future, she is just part of the potential people you could possible date.

Moving on is a change of your mindset. Dating or not is irrelevant, you have changed. Perhaps a door has closed for you.

I think you have already start a new chapter. The future is unknown, those pages are blank, write a great life Kyh.

Maybe start with - I asked her to join me for a cup of coffee...


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ #2813032 09/18/18 05:20 AM
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Thank you again, I've been thinking a lot about your posts the last few days.

Ive been thinking about what you wrote about fear. It's an awful way to live allowing us to be controlled, manipulated, etc. What am I fearing in life and why?

Originally Posted by DnJ


FWIW, I believe that all our paths will eventually and inexorably lead to moving on, to dating someone new. I will clarify this a bit. Given enough time that would happen, so it becomes a very personal choice and realization of when. If our lifespan was 1000 years, I don’t think many would stand for decades or centuries. It does make me wonder what our vows would be if granted such a long life.

-This really made me think about them and what they meant, now mean, and could mean. I guess I'm saying maybe I need to rethink how I can honor them (maybe that's the right word) the best I can with the hand I got dealt while being fair to myself.


I am pleased to see your choice and acceptance of events. It was a good feeling to read how you had the same thoughts regarding not breaking someone’s heart and when you can move on, the not keeping W as plan B.

An interesting view I have is that moving on doesn’t exclude the possibility of dating EXW in the future, she is just part of the potential people you could possible date.

-very true, I can't see it happening now but you never know what tomorrow will bring.





Last edited by Kyh; 09/18/18 05:25 AM.
Kyh #2829573 12/24/18 03:33 PM
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Just stopping by to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!

Kyh #2829576 12/24/18 03:57 PM
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And a Merry Christmas to you as well Kyh.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ #2829578 12/24/18 04:12 PM
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Merry Christmas to you and your family!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kyh #2829625 12/24/18 11:10 PM
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Merry Christmas Kyh.

How are you doing?

Kyh #2830008 12/28/18 07:27 AM
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I’m doing well, thanks for checking. There hasn’t been a lot going on with me. I had some health issues that turned out not to be too serious, just pain management, so that’s good but I’m usually wiped out by the time I get the kids to bed or before. The kids are doing good in school, they slipped from all this but they are still both doing good. S has some struggles but is doing well overall.

I found out during small talk that the lady I liked has a boyfriend so nothing happening there, but I do still enjoy our conversations and compliments are always nice to hear.

Ex has been good to deal with lately and her anger towards me seems to have faded. She is still with the same bf so nothing there has changed but she has been better to deal with. Just some things of note for those that have followed my story. On our anniversary she called me to tell me she wanted the kids to talk to me about their trip that day. She was also concerned about my health and was researching my symptoms and asking me questions. Ex had a car accident and is okay but it shook her up pretty bad. I think I’ve seen a change in her since then. Thankfully she had a safe car and I kept her full coverage.

Ex went out to eat with us after the kid’s Christmas play and gave me an unexpected hug before leaving and again last week before leaving with the kids for Christmas. I think she was holding back tears before they left. She also looks better most of the time and has gained a little needed weight. I have no expectations or hope (I mean it in a good way) but thought it was worth journaling these things.

Last edited by Kyh; 12/28/18 07:30 AM.
Kyh #2830021 12/28/18 01:41 PM
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Kyh

I am glad your health issue was not too serious

Can I ask what it was

Please take care of you

I remember the issue of the car insurance

Maybe that turned out the way it was meant to

Re her being nicer to you

That is better for you and the kids

Good that you have no expectations

Keep being the best Kyh you can be

Best to you in the new year


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Kyh #2830519 01/01/19 02:07 AM
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Hi Gordie,

I will have to stop by when I have a little more time and update again.

Happy New Year everyone!

Kyh #2830550 01/01/19 01:18 PM
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Happy New Year to you and your family. I hope you are doing okay.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kyh #2831389 01/06/19 05:59 AM
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Thanks Job, I’m doing good.

Gordie, I have a few things going on and also had/have a couple of slipped discs in my neck which are giving me trouble. The neurologist said he thought I could put off surgery for a few years but I would like to altogether if possible.

Ex was texting me a lot at the beginning of the week, not really for for anything important, and was really friendly one night when she stopped to get things of the kids. I’m thinking she will get quiet again since the holidays are over.

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Kyh

That sounds really painful

I hope you have a good doc and second opinions

How are you and the kids


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Kyh #2832135 01/10/19 06:29 AM
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Thanks for asking Gordie. The kids are doing good in school and are doing well in general. I think they’ve adapted/adapt pretty well but I know they’re scarred. Mentally I’m doing good, probably better than ever. Physically I’ve been slowed down a lot since the end of Sumer but feeling better as I give myself time. We had a nice holiday season and I got some much needed time off I spent with the kids. We worked in two trips to see my parents and grandparents which was nice yet stressful.

Kyh #2832152 01/10/19 01:10 PM
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Hi Kyh - ouch on the slipped discs. Very uncomfortable indeed - my best friend/brother from another mother has same - he's found relief in CBD oil. Def. echo getting second opinions, etc.

Glad you had some good down time with the kids. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Kyh #2832639 01/14/19 04:57 AM
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Hi bttrfly,

I’ve found CBD very helpful as well. Yoga has been helping a lot too.

Journaling a little. Tonight at dinner d asked me for a picture of her mom and I together. It really made me realize where they’re at, still missing our family together. I had a nice silly one of us with the kids when they were litttle I had taken down so we hung it in their upstairs room (they have rooms downstairs but prefer to share another). Both kids were really happy with it!

Kyh #2848918 05/12/19 04:06 PM
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Hi everyone, I was thinking of quite a few people here this morning and thought I would stop by and wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day!!

Kyh #2863756 09/02/19 04:32 AM
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Hello, I haven't posted in quite a while but still stop by and catch up on some of the familiar names. I'm doing pretty well but have had a lot going on and time seems to be flying by. My kids went back to school last week and are doing well overall. This is son's first year at a new 5th/6th grade school which is a big change for him and IDK how he is doing so far. He's had a bully on the bus. From what he told me it's a jerk kid on the bus but with ASD little things are much bigger things to S. They seem to be adapted to the 50/50 schedule alright for the most part but the switch days can still be tough. I do struggle with them trying to keep up in the house. I wonder if they live in a laundry hamper at their moms.

I see ex on the regular and we get along but this whole thing is weird. I have no feelings for her any longer (it feels great!) and I'm just glad we are getting along and she isn't monstering at me any longer. She is with the same bf as last year (maybe getting engaged) and it really has been good for me. I don't know this person so anything I think about him is really about me.

I still struggle with GAL. IDK how much is me and how much is being a single parent at this age, people being online, etc. I have my kids every other week+ and it seems like on my off weeks I get sent out of town at least one or two nights. I'm worn out and burnt out at work, and trying to stay positive. Going from the cool mountain air to the humid hot air and time change doesn't help either. I feel like all I do is work and take care of kids, don't get me wrong, it's a privilege to raise my kids but I'm out of balance. I made a FB profile just for a single parents page that moved there from meetup but my weeks usually fall opposite and there is a lot less going on there after people's drama. I certainly see why the 2nd divorce rate is 60%.

For any newcomers that may be reading this it really does get better with time. I remember reading that but now it has a new meaning. I wouldn't go back to my old self for anything!

I deleted quite a bit writing this because I wasn't sure this is the right section. I think I am going to start a new thread in Surviving the Big D as it is more fitting for where I'm at now.

Last edited by Kyh; 09/02/19 04:35 AM.
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