Life's High Seas

[Gordie]

No judgment here but curious. Are you okay with these multi hour conversations? She clearly still enjoys your company. Sounds like she treats you like a friend? Is that good or bad for you? And did I miss it—did you ever talk about the car insurance (or maybe it was something else)?

[Kyh]

I'm okay with it but I have a lot of mixed feelings. I feel I'm detached enough not to have any expectations but if I found out she was seeing someone I know it would hurt and I don't think things would continue as they have been. I don't know where I stand with her. It could be friend, xh, father figure or maybe it varies. She may not even know. This is weird because those are not roles that I really want, friend is part of what I would like so maybe it's not a terrible place to be. Better than in the a-hole zone for no good reason. Another thing is right not she is not w material right now, not for me anyway. It takes a lot of piatience because she hasn't treated me as a friend and she has not shown me any remorse. Not exactly a great friendship either so that makes it hard but I know we can’t return to being close overnight.


I do have a lot of questions/thoughts about what I'm doing. They say it's a marathon so if she is staying somewhat close maybe that is not so bad. However, I don't want to put things on hold (relationship wise) forever and I would like for my kids to see an example of a happy healthy marriage. I don't want this to be normal even though it is our reality. I realize there will be a point where things have to change but today it works. It could change tomorrow but I'm trying not to think too far ahead. IDK what a potential lady would say about xw staying in my house all the time when I'm out of town and hanging out for hours lol.


I'm still paying her car insurance. IDK what I'm doing in that regard. I see her struggling and it's something I've just been taking care of for now. In a way I think of it as helping taking care of the kids because if she were paying it, it would leave her less.

[DnJ]

Hi Kyh

Wow, good detachment. If my W talked to me for hours I’d probably be a bundle of nerves at the end. It is interesting that xw has hours long conversations with you, friendly and even hugs. I agree with you, it’s not the normal you are wanting, but nice not being in the a-hole zone.

I understand you having questions and thoughts about what your doing. As they say, do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. From what I have seen your xw seems to feel comfortable and safe around you. So keep doing what your doing, it looks like it is going in the right direction.

Better keep the potential lady away from the house

[Kyh]

Hi DnJ,

Thanks for stopping by. I need to finish getting caught up on your thread.

I thought I would add that these conversations are mostly about the kids or her. Definitely nothing deep or about R. Lots about her work. Sometimes it's like talking with a teenager and others an adult. There is a lot of listening on my part.

[Gordie]

K,

The lack of remorse part is tough. And you can’t ask for it. There is a newcomer who keeps asking his w to be remorseful...and that is fruitless.

[Kyh]

Gordie,

This is difficult. The closest thing I got to an apology for the affair (while it was happening) was her saying "I didn't think it would hurt you this much." I can almost laugh at this now though it's so crazy. Her threatening and trying to take the kids away from me though, much worse than the affair and not a word to me about it. There's no reason to have done that to me and I don't know if I will ever get over it. I still have those moments where I have to get calmed down and remind myself no one is taking them from me. Sometimes I think she may have remorse deep in there somewhere, then other times I really don't think she believes she did anything wrong. Maybe it varies but I think it's probably the later. It's wrong for everyone else but her (maybe she is turning into her mom).

I wanted to journal a few things while they're on my mind (lots of drive time again). She was running late and asked if I could pick up the kids from daycare after work yesterday. She came over to get them and s wanted to take my iPad w/him. He had a little fit and I almost gave in. After he walked into the garage xw says he doesn't need it and I said I know and did the fish hook sign and said I felt bad. Then xw tells me "when you're dead and empty on the inside like me then you don't feel bad about things like this." Maybe not the direct quote but close. I think I just kind of went uughhmm. It totally caught me off guard. What a horrible thing to say and horrible attitude about life.

Earlier that morning she called about something and was telling me about freaking out on a lady in a car that almost hit her. Then while telling me she starts yelling and said it almost happened again with the the same car on my street then said she's coming back by when she was parked in front of my house. Nice.. She was all worked up and I had to tell her to calm down and not let it ruin her day. So much anger in her, it has to be exhausting.

I had to go out of town again this week and asked xw if she could watch the dogs like we have been. She was doing the same for MLC friend the last few days and was complaining a little. I told her it was okay and I would figure something else out, then she said no it was okay. This happened three or four times before I left. The last time I told her I would see if my dad would be in town and if he would house sit. She told me no again and I told her she was complaining about it, she said she wasn't and she wanted to do it. Idk whatever I guess lol.

I had a bit of a realization tonight that I'm not as detached as I thought. I was having trouble hearing the kids on the phone. I had to hang up and call back and xw's vm answered and she changed it and is using her maiden name. Idk why this hit me like a punch in the stomach but it did. Thankfully not too long though. I've seen it change back and forth on school forms for the kids and this doesn't matter one bit. In fact I expected it 2 years ago, since I was such a terrible person and all. I can already feel myself letting go of this, but it unexpectedly hurt a little.

I hope you all had a great Valentine's Day!

[job]

Kyh,

Your w described her depression to a "T". They have no feelings for anything and their empathy chips are very broken. I know that it was hard to hear her say this, but it's true for her and how she's feeling about the herself and the world around her at the moment.

If she continues to complain about dog sitting, set up a back up plan. In fact, I would do this anyway. It would provide her w/a view of you taking care of things w/o her having to be there to do this.

I think the vm change hit you a bit hard is because you and your w were getting along and things appeared to have been settling down just a bit. Even though you've been keeping your expectations low, you still were expecting her to keep things the same way, i.e., her married name vs. maiden name. They go through a lot of changing up on things because they truly do not know what they want and what makes them happy. She'll change the vm again before it is all said and done.

Try to keep the focus on you and your children.

[Kyh]

I didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted on my thread.

Not too much going on that's not beating a dead horse except for the last month or so XW has been showing me passive aggressive behavior and anger again. It's very frustrating but I think I've been doing a good job not playing into it and letting her be. She's apologized a couple times but largely ignores it. I think I'm to that point where I really don't care, in a good way. D's bday, my bday, and/or Easter seem to have all been triggers. I'm not putting much energy into thinking about it other than recognizing it (mostly redirected anger), but it can be very difficult to deal with the crazy. She's also accused me of patronizing her for thanking her for doing things, so I'm not validating too much. Now that I'm thinking about this I could write a page or two about the anger and crazy lately. I've called her out on a couple passive aggressive things and she's backtracked. She also seems to get nice after being angry.

I keep my contact minimal, as much as necessary but as little as possible, and I've noticed after couple weeks or so xw will make contact about something, text, or a friendly visit. I've also noticed her moods are varying a lot and can change in a heartbeat once again. I try to just let her be.

One thing that troubled me was this weekend S told me she gave him gluten pizza. He told her he told me so she apologized and told me they messed up her order and he was having a meltdown and she didn't know what to do. IDK if I can believe her or not, I know I can't trust her. I mentioned she did this once last fall. S told me she doesn't let him have it. I told her thank you for letting me know and we talked a little about it.

Strangely, yesterday I got a call from the school and S was very upset about not having anything gluten free available in the cafeteria as there is usually a sandwich station he can use if he needs to. I was nearby so I ran something over but the principal told me it wasn't listed on the cafeteria forms and he has been eating things with gluten and that they offer alternatives. I explained it was a behavior issue and I figure it got overlooked as when we signed him up and go over his plan we told them it wasn't an allergy to not cause alarm if he accidentally had any. She put it on his chart and it was sorted. I also let s know it was okay and he wasn't in trouble and I wasn't mad but that he needed to follow the rules. From his view how does he know it's not okay if mom lets him do it sometimes?

I didn't say anything to xw until last night when I talked to the kids. She freaked out, mad at me and mad at the school. I didn't handle it right because I waited until the evening to tell her and I didn't get mad, lol. She said she was going in there today. I'm glad it's not my circus. I tried to be rational but she wouldn't have it so again I let her be. she's told me of her mom going into school when she was a kid, now she's doing the same thing but can't see it and she's mad at the school for the doing nearly the same thing she did.

I also got a letter from the school that the kids have 15 tardies this year. These are all when they are with xw.

I hope getting this straightened out will help with some of s's behavior. Sometimes we struggle and he goes from 0-100 in a snap but most of the time he's a great kid. I've been working with him a lot on controlling himself, I think we had a small breakthrough this week when I made him write an apology letter to the daycare supervisor and own up to his behavior.

I've been doing well but still struggling with gal'ing. Hopefully the spring weather will help but it seems like I'm out of town for work or have the kids and am running crazy. I'm feeling more detached than ever but still have those days (not many) when I miss her. But more often than not her presence is a reminder she is a different person.

I found a psych podcast for students/professionals that I've found very useful and have been enjoying. In particular, I found the episodes on defense mechanisms and borderline personality disorder helpful. I also picked up on two questions which I find useful. Does my response distort reality? And, Does my response distort my feelings?

I was cleaning up my phone notes and found a list of goals I made a couple years ago, in a much worse place. I accomplished all of the things I had listed and although not all of it was as I pictured it was a reminder on how far I've come, in fact a had a little laugh reading some of it.

I hope you are all doing well. I haven't been posting much but follow along somewhat regularly still. Take care everyone!

[Kyh]

I forgot to mention xw has been staying at my house when I'm out of town. After Job's suggestion above, I found out mlc friend came over one night and I didn't want xw to think that was why. My dad also started projects in two other cities so he isn't always available to house sit. I didn't let xw know but I did tell her she was complaining and I would make arrangements and she said no she liked house sitting and seeing the dogs so I've left it at that for now.

[Gordie]