I know your in shock from the BD but you have to get your $hit together right now. You can't make things better right now but you can certainly make things worse!
Stop asking for reassurance and stop asking her if she's mad at you. Your goal right now is to work on yourself and make the changes you want to make FOR YOU not her. Focus on yourself and your kids.
You sound really needy and insecure which are beta male traits that completely turn women off.
This is a marathon and not a sprint so you need to put in the hard work if you want to save this marriage.
No, I’m moving out because she makes her living in the home as a nursery. I’m getting a signed agreement on shared residency first though. And also agreeing some financials too. It doesn’t matter who stays/leaves in the UK, its basically all about how much time they spend at each home. We’ve agreed shared residency so... I work for the government and get free legal representation so i doubt she could compete with that to be honest if it really came down to it.
Hi Liam intrigued by what you said about free legal representation as I also work for a government dept! Having said that, my lawyer (working for a firm that only practices family law) shares my particular faith and was really good pointing out all my options from a moral viewpoint (as opposed to serve now!) as well as the usual financial considerations, etc. I guess the other unfortunate aspect about UK law is who a judge might side with (say no more, I hope you never get to that stage!).
all the best
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
No, I’m moving out because she makes her living in the home as a nursery. I’m getting a signed agreement on shared residency first though. And also agreeing some financials too. It doesn’t matter who stays/leaves in the UK, its basically all about how much time they spend at each home. We’ve agreed shared residency so... I work for the government and get free legal representation so i doubt she could compete with that to be honest if it really came down to it.
Hi Liam intrigued by what you said about free legal representation as I also work for a government dept! Having said that, my lawyer (working for a firm that only practices family law) shares my particular faith and was really good pointing out all my options from a moral viewpoint (as opposed to serve now!) as well as the usual financial considerations, etc. I guess the other unfortunate aspect about UK law is who a judge might side with (say no more, I hope you never get to that stage!).
all the best
Hi, all government departments provide a civil/public service employee wellness benefit. Its emotional services and legal services.
Yep hopefully, but it's looking bleak at the moment. It seems like 1 step forward and 2 steps back!
So, W arrived home with the kids, I chatted to them for a while and then put them to bed. I had all my stuff ready to go. I quickly said goodnight, gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek (she didn't reciprocate, she usually does). I said goodnight and left. On the hugs, it's very awkward when saying goodbye as we both just kinda stand there. I've tried a hand hold but then she looks at me funny. I think today has sent her back to the start again, just back to hating me. I feel if I just walk away it's quite disrespectful and shows no affection on my part. Also, I think it might be beneficial to hold on to whatever intimacy still remains.
I think with the weekend looming, I can get stuck into getting the new house sorted and ready for the kids. I feel once I'm moved out I'll be able to at least have some space from it all.
What really kills me is that it has happened here, we have no family or real friends here, we've lived here 10+ years but it's miles away from our families, very far from mine especially. She told me today she is going to my hometown to visit her sister who moved back there, with the kids, I asked if she could take them to see my Mum, as it's been months since they've visited. She said yes and that she would call her first, I told her to prepare herself for a hard time (I also warned my Mum to take it easy). I just lost my brother 3 months ago so my Mum is still reeling from it as am I, and this just makes her feel worse as she has always seen my W as her daughter. I find it amazing that she would want to visit, as she doesn't deal with emotion at all and usually runs away from people crying, my Mum is a very emotional person so I really don't know how it's going to turn out. She'll be the first person to probably disagree with my W.
I also think that I'm more worried about the impact on the kids if we can't reach some kind of equilibrium. I guess my W needs to start being a bit more civil, and I need to begin to move forward to get out of being so emotional so I don't lose my $hit every time I see her.
LJ....my W moved out almost 5 months ago. I have not touched her for over 6, probably the last time we had sex. Stop the touching, kissing, hugs, hand holding, etc. She wants nothing to with you. I am sorry to be so blunt but it's the truth. You have to let her go completely. Since you have moved out you should never initiate contact and if you do it should only be about your kids or finances. I never reached out to my W unless it is critical and I don't look for excuses to do so.
Truthfully you should hold on to nothing. You are technically divorced without the paperwork.
My kids are 8 and 6..I was worried about the same. They will feed off of you so must so them a happy, confident dad. They will be fine if you handle yourself and your sitch in the appropriate manner. I never want my girls to feel awkward when my W and I are with each other. I have had to swallow my emotions and have really lost myself in my IC and the gym. Work on you self-confidence, hit the gym, lift a ton of weightsit does wonders for you mentally. You get that testerone flowing and it kills the blues.
I am sorry you lost your brother. I would strongly recommend you tell your mom to stay out for your sitch and not have her give your W a hard time if she sees her. My mom wanted to send my W an email and I told her to not contact her. I told her if we get divorced and after it is finalized if she wanted to when it was all said in done then we would talk about it. Your W should not feel any pressure from you or anyone in your family.
How can you GAL? Focus on yourself and stop worrying about your W. She currently wants nothing for you. If you give her time, space and distance....focus on yourself and be the best LJ you can be that could change over time.
Hang in there! I am almost 6 months in and it gets better! You have to let go.
I just want to say I'm really sorry to see what's happening with you and your wife. I'm in a similar state. My husband just left two months ago and it's really hard to break off all contact. I wish to appear confident and happy and look like I'm moving on but I haven't succeeded thus far. It got complicated because I got sick. Remember to at least take care of your health because it's very, very difficult to get sick when you're alone for the first time in a long time and there's no one around to help or lend comfort! Hopefully though you'll stay healthy and will adjust to the change and then your wife will wish to reconcile so you'll at least have a choice.
Thanks Nicole, I'm sorry you're going through this too. It's the hardest thing I've ever faced.
Thanks for your words Joseph. I am trying to let go but finding it difficult, I think it's due to not really understanding why this is happening, I flit between thinking it's just a loss of love, OM or a midlife crisis. I've realised my W cannot sit in the house alone when she has the kids, she has her friend round on an evening and she is not showing the kids much attention, they're calling me in bed late at night saying Mummy has let us go on our phones, we've never let them do this so late. I guess the not knowing is making it difficult.
I get my new house this weekend, so that's going to give me something to focus on. My plan is to begin giving her lots of space and only contact for the kids while GAL. my biggest worry right now is that as this moves forward I'm going to see her going out and maybe with other guys, not sure I'll be able to deal with that!
Oh the friend is a women who is in an abusive relationship, she works for my wife so at the moment they probably spend around 12-14 hours a day wth each other. I've felt since she started to lean on my wife for support that it's been affecting our marriage, I brought it up in the past but she just gets defensive. In the past this women has lied to me about where my W is, but not how you think. It's when my W is somewhere completely known to her and it's maybe getting groceries, but she'll shrug her shoulders and say no idea. She also put herself in the middle of another couple that broke up, she knew every little detail. I've wondered if she has pushed this to make her feel better about her own marriage...
Oh the friend is a women who is in an abusive relationship, she works for my wife so at the moment they probably spend around 12-14 hours a day wth each other. I've felt since she started to lean on my wife for support that it's been affecting our marriage, I brought it up in the past but she just gets defensive. In the past this women has lied to me about where my W is, but not how you think. It's when my W is somewhere completely known to her and it's maybe getting groceries, but she'll shrug her shoulders and say no idea. She also put herself in the middle of another couple that broke up, she knew every little detail. I've wondered if she has pushed this to make her feel better about her own marriage...
From my experience I would hazard a guess that your W is taking as much advise as possible from people that will tell her what she wants to hear. A familiar ear of sympathy to fall back on. This usually happens when the WAS isnt confident on her decision but so needs external influences to validate her choices.
At this stage it is not about trying to work out why they are doing what they are doing, as they are only reacting to conflicting emotions at this stage which makes no sense nor does it follow any logical pattern.
Its all about you now - If you sense yourself doing or saying something for a reaction from your W then hit the brakes and rethink because you’re the enemy at the moment and giving her further ammo to use against you isn't going to help your cause.
The biggest mistake you are ever going to make is you believing that you can fix this. i.e. if I give her everything she asks for etc..
We do not know your Wife, but on this board we KNOW what you are going through and have seen this situation 100000 times before - it might feel unique and personal to you BUT this is nothing we haven't seen before so just listen.
NOTHIHG you do to try is making this situation better at the moment so stop trying.
Yesterday you mentioned reading into what happened when you lent in for a kiss and a hug... DO yourself a favour and STOP with this thinking and stop instigating close contact because you know deep down your doing it in the hope she hugs or kisses you back.
Based on the comments you made about living a distance away from your family etc.. I would hazard a guess that you are slightly co-dependent and this only multiples the situation by 10.
First things first you need to let her go and start to get your balls back by sitting down and thinking about who you are and want you want (separate from your wife).
To help give you an idea on the mindset you need to be in you have to act like they have died. That you will never see them again. What would a life with just you in it look like? You need to get to this state as soon as possible as this will be your most productive state. But this will take time and it wont be easy.
