A few weeks ago my W announced she was done with our marriage, she loved me but wasn't in love with me. She later changed her stance to not loving me anymore and not wanting to be around me. We've been together since we were 16, we're now 34 and have two kids 9 &11.
I've done as she asked, I've found a house for me and the kids to share custody. I had to let her keep the house as it's a large nursery where she makes her living. She has been so cold and hateful I don't recognise her anymore. She has refused to sleep in the house so we both sofa or hotel surf. I announced yesterday I've found a home, she burst in to tears and hugged me, she was still crying when I left. Last night she stayed in a hotel and drank 2 bottles of wine. She looks destroyed but has been adamant we would never stand a chance of getting back together. We have hurt each other in the past in many ways, no infidelity as such, but she has had some flirting and struggles with setting boundaries with men. I have also been controlling and needy in the past. We have physically assaulted each other around 5 years ago, I went for counselling but my wife refused, she says this is a big part of why she now wants to leave. She accepts no responsibility for any issues in our marriage.
I have to move out because we no longer have a home, it is literally a business 13 hours a day, we have no privacy and she has worked herself in to the ground. I have been very concerned about her for the last two years but she has refused help while simultaneously asking for help, but she refused to consider reducing her workload.
Is she now having second thoughts or just grieving the loss of our long relationship?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Im sorry that youre here. Its a crummy place to be for sure, but keep posting and youll get some good advice.
For your question, my guess is as good as yours. But frankly, it doesnt matter much. I think you need to turn your focus inward on what you need to do to address your own issues. Are you GALing? Are you still seeing a counselor?
By the way, I would ABSOLUTELY not leave the home without some signed agreement about custody. Once you leave, it can be impossible to get back in. In a your word vs. her word, youre probably going to lose.
A few weeks ago my W announced she was done with our marriage, she loved me but wasn't in love with me. She later changed her stance to not loving me anymore and not wanting to be around me. We've been together since we were 16, we're now 34 and have two kids 9 &11.
I've done as she asked, I've found a house for me and the kids to share custody. I had to let her keep the house as it's a large nursery where she makes her living. She has been so cold and hateful I don't recognise her anymore. She has refused to sleep in the house so we both sofa or hotel surf.
I announced yesterday I've found a home, she burst in to tears and hugged me, she was still crying when I left. Last night she stayed in a hotel and drank 2 bottles of wine. She looks destroyed but has been adamant we would never stand a chance of getting back together.
We have hurt each other in the past in many ways, no infidelity as such, but she has had some flirting and struggles with setting boundaries with men. I have also been controlling and needy in the past. We have physically assaulted each other around 5 years ago, I went for counselling but my wife refused, she says this is a big part of why she now wants to leave. She accepts no responsibility for any issues in our marriage.
I have to move out because we no longer have a home, it is literally a business 13 hours a day, we have no privacy and she has worked herself in to the ground. I have been very concerned about her for the last two years but she has refused help while simultaneously asking for help, but she refused to consider reducing her workload.
Is she now having second thoughts or just grieving the loss of our long relationship?
First, --your last sentence -it's both - second thoughts come with grieving the loss of a long relationship
and grieving comes with second thoughts. Does not mean she wants to reconcile and besides, getting back together without doing some of the work FIRST, is not a recipe for long term success. And Unless she gets a lot of clarity in HER head (which you do not control) AND decides to reconcile AND to do the work you both will have to do, then there's no point in wondering what is in her head or heart for now.
Better to work on the things you can work on, and leave her to her own sandbox.
if you work on you, and become the best Liam you can become, the best dad,
it'll be noticed. She may want the inner peace you develop and may get on her own road to self improvement. But the catch 22 is, you have to become the best you, for YOU & your sons, and not merely as a tactic to get her back.
I highly recommend you get Michelle Weiner Davis's book "Divorce Remedy" or Divorce Busting" and read it asap. I think the first chapter of one of them is online. The book is the basis for this site's approach.
And this site is not the only save your marriage site, but it has a specific method & belief system.
As for the house, I'm a little confused. I usually urge spouses to get legal advice and NOT to move out, etc. Protect your property rights and custody, etc (and in some states it's a form of abandonment to leave.)
Though I'm a lawyer - I am not giving you legal advice, just to be clear. Even if I wanted to, I don't have the specifics of your state and situation. -
But it sounds as if the family business (or just hers?) is IN the house. She has to be out as well? So you both rotate - When you say you "literally have no home" what does that mean for you & the boys? Literally? Are the kids at the rental home and you and your wife move around, or what? I'm a bit unclear. And where were you all living before the crisis?
Anyhow you can probably protect yourself with some documentation & figure out a way to track income & expenses.
You do NOT need to file for divorce. But you do need to protect yourself.
As for the MARITAL issues , you said some vague "controlling/needy" things you seem to agree with, but that can mean a lot of different things. You don't have to tell us all the nitty gritty but can you give an example or 2 of what SHE means?
What would SHE say if she were here?
And is it stuff you think is valid? In other words, are there some things you would like to work on, anyhow? Especially modeling for your kids.
Start there. I often say "Get in your sandbox and do your work, & stay out of your w's"
because we get bogged down in our personal work, we get frustrated when no immediate results happen from our spouse's side, and we feel we are not being noticed or valued. We think we "are doing all the work."
But it's OUR work to do, regardless. And wondering "when SHE is going to do hers??" Is fruitless
and it sort of defeats the purpose. I mean, if we are sincerely working on ourselves to become the best authentic versions of ourselves,
then what the heck difference does it make if someone else is doing theirs?
So get the book(or both) and read and you don't worry about HER.
Figure out a few "180's you can do to undermine the negative images she has of you but which you want to work on, anyhow. Like if she said "Liam is ALWAYS late",
you become MR PUNCTUAL and you arrive on time or early for everything.
Over time she'll see that her "data" about you is not real or no longer valid. And we go from there.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for the responses guys. Things have taken a turn for the worse since posting this. My w went missing and was completely unresponsive to everybody. She is still staying in a hotel every night and just drinking. She lies about where she is staying and where she is going. 5 days went by without her staying in the home at night with the kids, just returning to work during the day. I confronted her about not seeing the kids and asked for a break to get away for the night, I took her car keys and said you've got kids in there, you might have fallen out of love with me but not the kids. She launched at me and bit through my hoodie and t shirt in to my arm. I calmed her down and said she could leave. I asked why she can't be with the kids when I'm away from the house, she couldn't answer. I've strongly suspected OM but I'm not prepared to look in to it. I just don't have the energy right now. I actually think it's more of a breakdown but I'm keeping an open mind.
I feel I can't do anymore, I need to create a safe environment for myself and the kids, I pick my keys up for the new house in 1 week. I'll have to start all over again but I think it's for the best.
Just to clarify the living situation, we have a large house which she turned the back part in to a nursery, it grew and took over the whole ground floor of the house. We have no privacy in our home with 2 assistants and parents arriving/leaving all the time. She currently returns in the morning, does 12 hours then leaves for a hotel or wherever she goes, she refuses to tell me.
Today:
Ok so after the awful night last night, we spoke today, it started off ugly but calmed down and we actually got along and laughed a little. She told me that the reason she reacted so strongly last night is because she saw it as just another attempt to control her and to get her to do what I want. I can understand why she feels this way, I suppose I was trying to control her in that I wanted her to spend time with the kids, when she said no I just tried to make it happen. I have to say from my point of view I just couldn't understand why she wouldn't stay if I wasn't there, I see now that she saw this as just another attempt to control her. This now seems to match what she has been telling me about my control over her, she sees anything I do as an attempt to control her, even when it isn't. I can see how over the years between me actually being controlling and her interpreting things for being controlling could take its toll. It's hard to break down 17 years of a relationship, but there were issues in our early relationship that caused me to be this way, I'm not saying it justifies my behaviour, but I have always felt I was keeping our family together, not actually directly controlling my wife. I never stop her from doing anything she wants, but my attitude has been terrible. I feel at this point I need to look in to this issue in myself and just let go of her, this is probably the only way I can help her feel free of me, even if that means she never comes back.
If she is trying to leave and you take away her keys that is controlling.
Some WW leave their H. Some leave H and kids. It stinks but at this point don’t try and stop her. You can only control you. Be there for your kids even if it is 100% of the time. Get a L and record her absences.
I’m sorry this is happening to your family. You really need a L to protect you and your children.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Sorry to say, most WW do not do overnights to stay by themselves. Just assume there is an OM. Maybe not, but probably so.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Well this morning she broke down when she realised I was supposed to work away tonight, I asked what the problem was as she said she was only staying away when I was home. So turns out she can't handle being in the house alone at night with the kids. What's funny is ive known this for some time, and when she said she didn't love me anymore and didn't want "this" anymore, I knew she was referring to the family rather than just me. I asked what she is going to do when I've moved out next week, she said she'll feel better then. I honestly think she's had a breakdown, she looks absolutely broken. My guess is she's feeling guilty for wanting to get away from me, the kids and well the family I suppose.
I've said I'll stay until Thursday as I've 2 days of meetings in the south of England. Then I'll be moving out at the weekend. I need to stop helping her and propping her up, hopefully when I'm gone she will realise she needs help when things don't get magically better, unless of course they do, which also will at least mean she is OK.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
