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Maika Offline OP
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No one is coming to save you!

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Maika Offline OP
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Quote:
I don't know if what I would say is right or wrong per DB principals but I am tired of running scared. I don't fear D any more, still don't want it but I am not scared by it. so I guess when I think about the questions that normally would give me that sinking feeling in my stomach part of how I would respond is based on my lack of really caring right now about what happens.


I get being tired of running scared. It takes some time to get your focus off of trying to avoid D as much as possible. I'm pretty indifferent to it now. Stopping the begging, pleading, and obsessing over everything really puts brakes on all of that self victimization and gets you on the path to becoming stronger and better. I think it's one of the best things I've gotten out of DB.

Quote:
I feel like I am pretty detached and she no longer stirs the same emotions in me that she used to. I also have lost some respect for her as well and actually am starting to view her as a weak individual. When I think about what she has done to our family and our D's I am viewing her as an ugly person on the inside. Does that make sense?


Makes total sense. Back in the day when I used to read folks talking about how they don't even recognize their WW/WH, I didn't understand it. I totally do now as I have no idea who she is at this point and she's become pretty unattractive. The fallout from the BD, especially how it's affected my kids, does make her really unappealing and gives me no desire to get back with her. I know the kids would want that, but I just have to live with a single parent mindset and give them everything in terms of my love, time, support, and guidance - I know that this part is not going to be a problem for me as I am definitely the more stable parent compared to her.

This is just so much about her than it is about me. I refuse to get burned in her process of figuring out whatever is going on with her.


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Although this came from a poster on your last thread, I wanted to respond....in case it caused confusion.

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The A is clearly their special private thing which they are entitled to of course (thank you Sandi, 25)


I don't think he meant to word the above quote to sound as if I and 25 were saying anyone is "entitled" to have an affair. In most cases we read on the board, the WW does have a sense of entitlement, and she will justify her actions.

smile


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Sandi
really sorry about that confusion! 'Twas a late night conribution on my phone in the bath so I was probably nodding off (time difference and all that). What of course I meant was exactly what you have just clarified, i.e. that WWs have this sense of entitlement. The posting probably contained more than a hint of sarcasm on my part and was describing my Ws mindset (which I will prob never work out) and how she has to "carry" everyone in her household and how she needed to escape all this (in her own mind).

thank you again for all your help


Me 55, W 50
D 8
M 20
T 27
MIL w/ us
BD 01/02/17
workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA)
OM senior manager, long term W, child 14
now: limbo (my choice)

"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
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Maika Offline OP
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So, the busy busy work week is over. One of the greatest things about last week was that I had no time in my head for W. I was busy interacting with a lot of people and just focusing on some amazing stuff that has come from the hard efforts of my team over the last 12 months.

I have some breathing room now and I can take care of some other things. The new place is a bit of a mess because I had no time last week to do any chores. Going to do that today and just run some errands.

I had two women flirt with me last week, not work related people. I wasn't even trying to do anything, but I chatted back with them and it was so much fun. Nothing came out of it but they were beautiful women and I really wanted to ask them out for a drink. I didn't, but it was nice to know that I still got some swag. I was dressed super nice throughout the week and I was very social and just being myself. I know that when and if the time comes when I am ready to venture out, I will be okay. Losing some weight and then this, gave me some nice confidence.

With the S, financially things are going to be tight for a while, but I am going to renegotiate my contract in a few months and will ask for a well deserved bump in my income. I proved to my boss with all the amazing work last week that he needs to keep me around. I will also start looking at what else is out there so that I can weigh my options. I need to make some more cash. I can manage with what I have right now, but it doesn't leave me much for savings, and kids are expensive. I need to plan for that.

All in all, I am in a good place and looking forward to focusing back on my goals after this weekend.


No one is coming to save you!

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M,

Great job at work last week. I know you will get that bump or find a higher paying job.

Look at you player. Good job on just keeping those interactions at a convo level. You getting your grove back.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Glad to see things are going well for you, M.

Keeping busy has been one of the easiest ways to keep xW out of my head, but at the same time, I try to not shut it out completely. When she pops up, I try to analyze why. Is it a me thing or a her thing? If it is a me thing, I see if it is something I need to work on. If it is a her thing, I pretty much toss it in the garbage, as there is nothing I can/want to do about it.

I can honestly say, I have dropped the rope.

My classes are going well, I am GALing like crazy, I have a dinner companions, and now I guess a GF, if we have to label it (before I get yelled at by some oldbies, I have made explicitly clear my desire to not be in a long term relationship, and it is more physical than anything). When I started getting noticed by the ladies again, it was the best feeling. I haven't even really had to 'go to them' they have been coming to me. It is a huge confidence builder (which in itself snowballs)

Met up with a friend from college who lives in TX now. He was in my state on some work (His HQ is here) It was great to catch up. The next day he messages me and tells me to send him my resume asap. He was apparently having lunch with a recruiter. Now I have leads on some GOOD paying jobs.

I really do hope your MR can work out, if you want it to. But I know you will be just fine if it doesn't.


Married 9: Together 11
M:37 W:35
S:2 D:7
Bomb dropped 6/3/2017
W moved out 7/1/2017
Separation Filed: 8/1/2017
Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017
Divorced: 10/5/2017
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Maika Offline OP
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Thanks Joe. Yeah, I definitely had an opening to take the convo further with at least one of the ladies, but I didn't. I didn't flirt back but I was social and kept a chill convo. It was a bit hard because I wanted to flirt back and take a next step. I know that it's not the right move for me right now and so I am going to keep a lid on it. But man, I'd really like to have some casual sex right about now. I know that I won't do that until D is finalized, but no movement from W on anything (I know it's early in my sitch), so the motivation to keep possible reconciliation in the back of my mind is getting less and less.

It's also pretty clear now that the LBS fog has almost dissipated that the MR was not good for me either. W has to change a lot of things for me to even consider a possible recon. I am pretty much NC with her right now unless it's about the kids, and I don't see her outside of some kid event once a week. Those interactions are getting easier for me because I truly don't care what she says or does. I am still positive and chill, but mostly for me and my attitude has improved a lot. The only reason I go to the events is for the kids - I want to make sure that they know that I am there for them every step of the way.

JM - sounds like you're doing well and are getting to a better place for yourself. I know what you mean about the ladies - I didn't put an ounce of effort last week and I had two ladies flirting with me. The confidence builder is amazing.

I am glad to hear about leads on some good paying jobs. I am going to take some time until end of this year to really evaluate where I want to go with my career. Also, I'd like to make some more money and we'll see what happens when I renegotiate my contract in 2018. I want to have some options to consider.

Thanks for your words about the MR. To be honest, I am at a place where I really don't think about if it's going to work out or not. I'll stand for the MR as long as it makes sense to me and what the situation looks like. I can probably file for D after next June so I have time to see how things play out for me. I am not even going to dwell on that decision until then.

I am going climbing today and then running some errands. Going to then see a friend in the evening and just chill.

TBH, life is good. It's going to be even better in the next few months as I gear up for my workouts and get back into writing. Work had taken over everything, but now I have a breather so back to my goals. Also, my smoke quit date is tomorrow. I planned it weeks back as I wanted to do it after the crazy work week.


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Good for you M it sounds like you are in a good spot and it's crazy how we charting similiar paths. How are your kids adjusting? My youngest just told me she wished her mom and I did not break up it broke my heart. I just did kid exchange and my W told me to enjoy my week. I mean WTF???? Obviously she was projecting but I will never understand how someone can enjoy only seeing their kids 50% of the time. I know there are many things in life we will never know the answers to so I guess this is going to be one of them.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Maika Offline OP
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Yeah J, I'm in a good spot now. I feel more calm and things are less on edge for me. I am just back at refocusing on my goals and getting the place up to par to my standards. Kids rooms are great, but house still needs some stuff that I will have to get over time.

Kids are having a difficult time with the separation situation. Both of them are very sensitive and if I ever see them when they're with W, they just don't want me to leave. It just effin' breaks my heart and them to split their time is just so unfair. I think that is the most difficult thing for me now. I am filling their life with everything and more - love, time, affection, and supporting their education.

Yeah, I don't know how W can think this situation is working. To her credit, she has texted me in the past how much she misses them and it's lonely for her when the kids are with me. But, that's not good enough for her to consider working on things. Well, I think it's just this crazy level of selfishness that I just can't condone. I was talking to a friend who had someone in her family go through a separation recently, and she said it was the most selfish thing she had seen - mom and dad are okay with moving on with their lives, but the kids are super unhappy. The kids got the short end of the stick.

I think at one point, one of the kids said - 'you guys are happy, but did you ever think if me and my sister are going to be happy with this arrangement'. I don't know how they handled it, but it's the brutal truth and kids will tell you as they see it. The separation was mutual apparently, but still the impact is enormous on the kids.

In our cases where the split was not mutual, the degree of selfishness for the WW/WH is even greater. When I think of this, I am just baffled at how this could be a good option for the family. It is good for the WW/WH, but they just left a trail of devastation for three other people. I know that I won't get an answer for it, but at this point I don't care about answers. I used to care about that. I just want to be the stable unselfish parent for my kids so that they know that no matter what, I am there for them and I got them.

Kids have also gotten closer to me recently as I have made a 180 in how I deal with my control issues. I have made good strides and I plan on keep going ahead.


No one is coming to save you!

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