How a treehouse can cost you your marriage

[Clyde]

joejoe1,

Thanks for your service!

No It was not to harsh, I appreciate the advice and thoughts.

[Clyde]

So the W has the kids for thanksgiving, (we are doing Halloween and xmas as a family) I asked her what are the plans for t-giving, are we going to do it as a family? She said no and referred to last year's t-giving where we got into an argument, said no way is she going to do that again. I said c'mon, that argument could of happened any day, T-giving had nothing to do with it. She then said she is not going to keep the kids away from me on the holiday so I can take them that day and she is going to volunteer in a homeless shelter for the day...WTF? I can't figure this one out.

We discussed the argument last t-giving...(the argument happened when I was trying to talk to her about a sitch in my family that was bothering me... I was opening up to her, her response was to tell me my logic was wrong, I'm a negative person, so on, I went into quiet mode and the day ended on that note.) Anyhow in discussing it I acknowledge that I should of not gone into quiet mode, instead should of waited for another time to tell her how her response made me feel. Her reply is that is how she has aways been, not a sympathetic person, I called BS on this excuse and made some references to her ability to be sympathetic/understanding, and that up to the last year I could go to her for anything and count on her listening and most times giving me good advice. She said yeah, I could of been more understanding that day, its something I am working on.

Before leaving I again mentioned t-giving, I told her the offer still stands... she said we will see. I'm not sure if she is playing hard to get on this one, a few weeks ago when I brought up halloween she acted as if she had not even thought about us doing it as a family, but that it sounded like a good idea, later that night I told my D about h-ween as a family, she told me that mom has been saying that all along, even told her friends she would be w/ me on that night.

[MoveFrwd]

So the W has the kids for thanksgiving, (we are doing Halloween and xmas as a family) I asked her what are the plans for t-giving, are we going to do it as a family? She said no and referred to last year's t-giving where we got into an argument, said no way is she going to do that again. I said c'mon, that argument could of happened any day, T-giving had nothing to do with it. She then said she is not going to keep the kids away from me on the holiday so I can take them that day and she is going to volunteer in a homeless shelter for the day...WTF? I can't figure this one out.

We discussed the argument last t-giving...(the argument happened when I was trying to talk to her about a sitch in my family that was bothering me... I was opening up to her, her response was to tell me my logic was wrong, I'm a negative person, so on, I went into quiet mode and the day ended on that note.) Anyhow in discussing it I acknowledge that I should of not gone into quiet mode, instead should of waited for another time to tell her how her response made me feel. Her reply is that is how she has aways been, not a sympathetic person, I called BS on this excuse and made some references to her ability to be sympathetic/understanding, and that up to the last year I could go to her for anything and count on her listening and most times giving me good advice. She said yeah, I could of been more understanding that day, its something I am working on.

Before leaving I again mentioned t-giving, I told her the offer still stands... she said we will see. I'm not sure if she is playing hard to get on this one, a few weeks ago when I brought up halloween she acted as if she had not even thought about us doing it as a family, but that it sounded like a good idea, later that night I told my D about h-ween as a family, she told me that mom has been saying that all along, even told her friends she would be w/ me on that night.

Why are you putting so much pressure on her?
What happened to 'not pursuing'?

Also, you seem very intent on doing things 'as a family'. What are your goals with this? Why are you pushing so strongly to make these special events happen together?

[kml]

Clyde, honey -
Stop pursuing. Be kind and the picture of a good dad when she sees you, but STOP PURSUING.

And to be honest - your wife is a bad person. SERIOUSLY. A BAD PERSON. I know, I know - you love her, she's been a great partner, yadda yadda yadda. NONE of that matters. SHE FRAMED YOU WITH THE POLICE!!! That's a serious character disorder. I do not know a single person who would do such a horrible thing.

This is not just about winning her back. If she DID come back, it would not last - this kind of character problem doesn't go away without a TON of work (and usually not even then).

I know this doesn't jibe with the woman you thought you were married to. Let me just say, some of us can't really see our spouses without the rose colored glasses until they've been gone for a while. It took me a couple of years after my ex finally left to truly understand the depth of his narcissism and how it affected our marriage (and sadly, 9 years after our divorce, is destroying his relationships with our adult children). I wanted to believe better of him, but I was giving him way too much benefit of the doubt.

Let's imagine for a second that I'm wrong though - that your wife is instead a very weak woman who was so easily swayed by a toxic friend that she would do those horrible things to you and still have no remorse - is that any better? NO.

I know you want to think better of your wife. You want the wife you IMAGINED you had back. But you may find, if you really examine things, that that wife never existed.

Ask yourself - what kind of loving wife hangs out with women who are cheating on their husbands? What kind of loving wife connives to get her husband arrested? (When he's not a wife beater). What kind of HONORABLE HUMAN BEING does those things???

Think back - I bet if you try, you can start to remember other dishonesties, other selfishness on her part. Pull back the curtain and look at those things.

NOW - having said all that - you NEED to do work on yourself. Not to win her back, but to be a complete and whole human being yourself who will be worthy of the next relationship, whether it's with your wife or a more complete human being.

The silent treatment? NEVER ok in a marriage. Workaholic? Maybe by necessity, but maybe a way to avoid intimacy - look at that.

The best thing we can get out of this is a new and improved version of ourselves - with or without the wayward spouse. Focus on that - your self-improvement - and trust that either she will step up to the plate and improve herself too, or you will find a greater love in the future with someone else.

Sorry to be harsh, but what she did is despicable and I don't believe that a "good person" is capable of such acts. And if she's not a good person - why would you want her back?

Ellie

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Clyde]So the W has the kids for thanksgiving, (we are doing Halloween and xmas as a family) I asked her what are the plans for t-giving, are we going to do it as a family?

Pursuit. Also why is it all up to HER? You have choice, too.


She said no and referred to last year's t-giving where we got into an argument, said no way is she going to do that again. I said c'mon, that argument could of happened any day,

why? Why argue with her about an argument? This is another dimension of pursuit, wherein you want to convince your partner that the marriage is actually better than they realize

which i have never seen work, ever.


T-giving had nothing to do with it. She then said she is not going to keep the kids away from me on the holiday so I can take them that day and she is going to volunteer in a homeless shelter for the day...WTF? I can't figure this one out.


you get the kids. Nothing to figure out. (Seriously). And no, I don't believe she's volunteering, unless there is an ulterior motive.

We discussed the argument last t-giving...(the argument happened when I was trying to talk to her about a sitch in my family that was bothering me... I was opening up to her, her response was to tell me my logic was wrong, I'm a negative person, so on, I went into quiet mode and the day ended on that note.)

you are both arguing about an argument. Counter productive.


Anyhow in discussing it I acknowledge that I should of not gone into quiet mode, instead should of waited for another time to tell her how her response made me feel.


Her reply is that is how she has aways been, not a sympathetic person, I called BS on

when someone tells you they are not sympathetic, to YOU, don't argue. Don't try to get them to change in how they treat you.

Believe them.



Before leaving I again mentioned t-giving, I told her the offer still stands... she said we will see. I'm not sure if she is playing hard to get on this one,

I don't want to repeat myself too much or it'll sound harsh to you. But BACK THE HE11 OFF.

Read the Div Busting chapter on NOT pursuing, again. Or review Sandi's guidelines "37" and take them in.

Let them sink in.

[25yearsmlc]

ps

your thread title intrigued me. Maybe that is what you wanted.

But you do realize the treehouse had nothing to do with why you are here, right?

I don't mean to sound insulting, but I am curious - there's a lot of pathology in the dynamic you two have.

Are you getting IC?

[Clyde]

Why are you putting so much pressure on her?
What happened to 'not pursuing'?

Yeah I blew it, I don't know what the heck I was thinking, we talked 2 more times after that in which I continued the convo... not all was lost though, I feel as though my my position is shifting. After the last talk I realized, I don't know how much farther into the convos I want to go before she apologizes for what she did to me with the police. I know I forgave her already, but she has to own what she did. I was reading other forums where they were discussing how to tell the kids and I realized, we never got the opportunity to that, they watched the police split there family up, that may be their memory of our last day living together as a family. At least at this point today, those are my feelings, we'll see what tomorrow brings... whatever the case I need to stop pursuing, stop pressuring.

[Clyde]

I don't want to repeat myself too much or it'll sound harsh to you. But BACK THE HE11 OFF.

Read the Div Busting chapter on NOT pursuing, again. Or review Sandi's guidelines "37" and take them in.

Let them sink in.

I hear you, I read about not pursing In DR/DB, also in the solo partner again and again, but obviously it is time to read them again. I also picked up another book called "No more mr nice guy".

I visit Sandi's Guidelines often, gonna have to try to "let them sink in" even harder. I've found it useful to look over those before seeing or talking to the W, maybe I'll do that more often.

[Clyde]

ps

your thread title intrigued me. Maybe that is what you wanted.

But you do realize the treehouse had nothing to do with why you are here, right?

Yes, I completely realize that, did that tongue in cheek.

Are you getting IC?

Yes

[Clyde]

When I was away from my kids those 4 days it hurt the worse, I'll never forget those days. But even then I never completely wrote my W off, but I was pissed off and angry.

Today was the first day in a long time since I really let the TRO effect my thoughts about the whole sitch, (I mentioned why a few post back). Perhaps a sign I need to heal from it a little longer, evaluate whether or not I have truly come to terms with it.

I know that prior to all this, if someone came to me and told me they were going through what happened to me, I would tell them to wake up, you deserve better than that.

Again I can not excuse what she did, but in the last 6 months she completely changed... stop going to church/reading her bible, became less involved with the kids (even blew off signing them up for school, and lied that she did), started drinking again (socially), got into social media, and the list goes on. Any how, I just feel like she's going to come back to earth some day.