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Good insight from everyone...I fully agree that my W is horribly disrespectful. Its interesting that as I remove myself from my situation and look at it as an outsider like everyone here, I see all of the awful things my W has done and wonder why I have stayed with her for so long like this. I saw a marriage counselor several times when I first found out about my W and her affairs. One day, he looked at me blankly and asked why I wanted to stay with my W. It threw me off guard as I really could not explain why. I finally came to the conclusion that she has not always been this way.

I went through a lot of thinking when she first told me she wanted a D. I felt awful at first, but then I went through a period where I imagined a new life with some new, amazing woman. I was actually starting to look forward to the chance to meet someone new...


M 17 years
3 kids
EA start 2010
ILYBNILWY 1/2014
PA 1/2016
Bomb drop 2/2016
Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016
Living as roommates, EA continues
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Tate,

Most people here put the partners on a pedestal and their relationships are based on the fantasy of what once was or what they believe it could be in the future.

The problem is you can ignore reality but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

I am sorry to be blunt but your wife is a multiple cheater who has zero respect for you. Get your affairs in order and go see a lawyer. You deserve better!

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LH19, you very well might be right, but I am not quite ready to throw in the towel. As a coach from another marriage program put it: you will know when it is time to quit.


M 17 years
3 kids
EA start 2010
ILYBNILWY 1/2014
PA 1/2016
Bomb drop 2/2016
Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016
Living as roommates, EA continues
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Fair enough. Then IMO your first step is set some boundaries with her and get her to respect you.

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Any tips on setting boundaries? I read Divorce Busting last year...maybe its time to read it again...


M 17 years
3 kids
EA start 2010
ILYBNILWY 1/2014
PA 1/2016
Bomb drop 2/2016
Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016
Living as roommates, EA continues
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: Tate
Any tips on setting boundaries?


Tate,

Boundaries seem to be the bane of the LBS. But, boundaries aren't really the issue; enforcement of the boundaries is the issue.

I looked to my wife as an example of how to enforce boundaries. She used her anger to control people. You knew that if you made her angry there'd be h3ll to pay. I learned from her and juiced things up by a factor of three (or maybe five). I finally told her to leave and gave her one week to move out.

I'm sure others have a different opinion, but I think you have to be ready and willing to push the spouse out the door. Something along the lines of, "You can continue the affair, but not while living in this house. If you want to continue the affair then pack a bag and get out."

Again, that's just my opinion.

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Kicking my wife out seems a little extreme considering I am working to restore our marriage.


That said, there seems no way to enforce anything with my wife. She is completely satisfied living as roommates, and I cannot think of anything to use as a bargaining chip.

The only thing I can think of is going dark. This would put her in a tremendous bind and a lot of stress as I run just about everything in the household. There are two problems with going dark that I can see...it also puts my kids in a bad situation of nobody there to care of them two evenings a week (W in school) and several of the things I do for me (working on car, exercise equipment) are at our house forcing me to give those things up for the duration as well.


M 17 years
3 kids
EA start 2010
ILYBNILWY 1/2014
PA 1/2016
Bomb drop 2/2016
Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016
Living as roommates, EA continues
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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Tate,

I'm confused in a early post you say, "you are ready to throw in the towel", then you asked about boundaries. Then you were given information about setting and enforcing boundaries, and you back peddled. In this last post, you now say, kicking your wife out is a little extreme see, "how you are trying to work on the M". What is it going to be? Is kicking your wife out extreme? Is what your wife doing to you not extreme? Our choices as LBS are going to be extreme and hard. But I also understand we go back and forth as LBS in our emotions as well.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Originally Posted By: Tate
Kicking my wife out seems a little extreme considering I am working to restore our marriage.


a lot of DBing is counter intuitive. We want them back "all in", so we figure that convincing them to care about us/the marriage, and pursuing them will show them our value. But it's the opposite of what works, usually.

Backing off and letting the WAS see our value by us detaching, is what's most likely to generate success here.

Not saying it'll all lead to a full on recon, but them noticing that they are losing a good catch almost always requires the LBSer backing off and at least acting as if they are DONE.

The LBS who sits around waiting, and being there "in case", (& calling it "working on the m") is the way the WAS can do anything they want, and not worry about losing their LBS.

That is the point of most of the advice you are getting.



That said, there seems no way to enforce anything with my wife.

but, You are not willing to enforce anything. So, see where we are going here?


She is completely satisfied living as roommates, and I cannot think of anything to use as a bargaining chip.

Yes she is completely satisfied with this.

Plan A for most affair spouses and for most "wanna be single" spouses, is to keep the stability of the family as their base, but without any responsibility or fidelity requirement
of them.


Only when they are forced to choose between Plan A and the unknown, might they make a choice the LBS wants.


The only thing I can think of is going dark. This would put her in a tremendous bind and a lot of stress as I run just about everything in the household. There are two problems with going dark that I can see...it also puts my kids in a bad situation of nobody there to care of them two evenings a week (W in school) and several of the things I do for me (working on car, exercise equipment) are at our house forcing me to give those things up for the duration as well.




I don't think you can go full on dark with kids and in the same house, if you mean "disappearing" (which is not going dark.)


You can act as if she does not exist apart from parenting matters and only in a skeletal way with no frills and no details. If you are presently caring for them 2 nights a week,

that's it. If you need to work on your car or exercise, find another place for those.

You cannot detach by hanging around the home she lives in. I'm just not sure what your living situation is going to be with you "going dark." What do you mean by that term?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PS

there is a belief among some, that filing for D is a way to wake someone up,

and or to protect yourself at the same time. (So if they don't wake up, the belief is that the LBS gets to the truth, faster - and loses less money in the settlement ).

Your wife is for all intents and purposes, living the life of a single woman. It's possible she will only file for D when having you in the house, becomes too inconvenient for her new way of living.

Are you watching the finances?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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