Act Now or Cry Later

[HaWho]

Peace - there have been some w/live-ins. Cadet mentioned one to me early on and he knew her personally. I can't remember her name. But, I try to post a lot as I hope it helps both those who have live-ins and those with limited contact.

Bttrfly, Ownit, Roist and Sotto - thanks for posts. So nice to hear from you all.

Tonight I came home from work and s12 + h were eating burgers. I asked if this was their dinner and h said it was lunch?!? But they had lunch at school of course. S13 ate elsewhere after school. (This has happened several times now where I come home and they are having this "lunch" at 5:30.)

So I asked everyone if they were still hungry and of course the kids said no. H then sent me a text saying he wanted to "nip this in the bud." He told me it seems I am regularly trying to dump my responsibility of making dinner?!? Then he said it was no problem for him as he could take care of himself but that I had to take care of the kids?!? I feed them every night so I have no idea what he is talking about.

And that's what I wrote back; that I was confused. I told him I arrive at 5:30 and everyone is eating a huge meal and not hungry at 6:00. (And I didn't write it but I thought DUH!)

He then wrote back that the kids need calories as they are thin and malnutritioned!

I wrote back and said he cracked me up texting from down the hall when he swore he would never be that type. He replied that he does not want to fight in front of the kids and that is why he texts?!? I did not respond. But later he totally avoided eye contact with me. He was leaving rooms as I walked in and just avoiding me. He seemed really shy for the call out. He used to be so direct and blunt.

I know this sounds nuts but hunger and lack of food were big issues in his childhood. His mom did not cook for him often and he was hungry a lot. I wonder if this is projection? Or him talking to his mom?

Another thing he is doing that is weird? He wants the kids to eat the same lunch he always ate in his childhood: pizza. He orders it for them constantly. And he lived off that for many many years as a young adult and maybe a kid, too.

Job- if you are reading, is this something you have seen before?

[Gordie]

Incidents like this over lunch/dinner and the clothes shopping do really feel like he is replaying his childhood anxieties out in real time. We use the term MLC loosely around here but your H at times really does seem mentally ill at times. I don’t know how you handle it. You are a strong woman.

[ciluzen]

Hey HaWho!

I think you're right on about him talking to his mother through you. If it doesn't make sense, always change your point of view to theirs, with the little info you might have about his childhood. He sees the kids as starving because his hunger is probably triggering that memory from his childhood. I'm sure he is trying to "fix" the situation now that he can drive and pay for food, much as he probably wished he could or that someone else would have for him.

What if you role played it back instead of defending yourself? What if, when he does tht type of thing, you just say, "dinner in a half an hour! Hope you'll be hungry." Or if he mentions neglect on your part, you just text something like, "I had no idea that I wasn't caring for them adequately! Thank you for calling it to my attention!" And then proceed to make a large dinner. In other words, validate his feelings so he feels heard. The worst that can happen is...leftovers the next day.

If he is working through childhood issues and he is in the process of transference, using you as a means to confront his mother, he would need to feel heard. As much as it feels good to point out his faulty thinking; shame, guilt, and powerlessness are probably what he is trying to work through. Go ahead and accept the role of his mother, but let him "win" in the present and feel comforted and cared for. See what happens. I'm all for psych experiments.

Hang in there, Ha. He seems to really be trying to move through things.

[job]

HaWho,

Yep, I've seen this quite often. He's reliving his childhood through your children. His childhood must have left a huge "mark" on his life. I also think that when he was young he heard the words "thin" and "malnutritioned" a lot from others. Again, a visit back to the land of the lost for him.

It's a shame that he can't seem to get through this stage...but you are being patient and calling him out in a nice way on his stuff. Please keep in mind that he is looking "at" you his mother's replacement and living that life over and over again. He's stuck in the loop, so to speak.

I think he's got a problem w/confrontation. Maybe his parents ripped him a lot when he questioned them and that's why he feels safer texting you. When he avoids you and leaves a room, it could very well be that he's afraid you are going to challenge him and he doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of others. It's not that he's made...but he's afraid of being "shamed" for what he's said or done.

I'm not making excuses for him but evidently he's had a lot of "shaming" in his life from others, i.e., authority figures.

BTW, I think Ciluzen has given you something to think about. Maybe it's time to change the tables a bit and role play for a bit. He wants to be heard and not always challenged about his comments. You know the old saying "if something isn't working, try something else".

[peacetoday]

Interesting

I have done a lot of inner child work over the years, and it is interesting to see someone acting out with no awareness..
in therapy we are taught and we understand when we are reacting, we are reverting back to past experiences and feelings and it does make sense

The great think for you and him is even if he can't see what he is doing..you can
so I like what C said..see what works..he is still there which is unusual and he may be able to heal having a positive caring figure, you--to love him anyway

in reality, you are doing him a great service ..still curious what will happen as time goes on and you continue with love-acceptance and tolerance of his crises-

[LouR]

Hey HaWho,

You are receiving great advise, I don't really have anything to add to what has already been said. I just want to send you huge hugs and tell you that you are an amazing and genuinely incredible woman, very few would tolerate what you are and sticking with your sitch .......(my keypad just changed sitch to sitcom haha, almost apt huh) ...

Your h sounds like he must have had a really traumatic childhood and is struggling to make peace with it. Sadly I fear until he understands that he cannot change the past but can live his future he will continue to be stuck in this time. I really hope one day soon he chooses to get some professional help to get him past this stage and to moving forward to reconnecting with present life, you and the family.

As always you sound grounded and detached from his crazy; finding the amusement in his words and actions, you have developed an understanding that whilst he aims his rubbish at you, it's not really personal, he is projecting. I still worry about you though, so please look after your own mental wellbeing, never devaluate your own importance and happiness through all this.

Love and hugs to you xoxo

[roist]

No advice tonight. Just my.best wishes and to add that when I struggle with my situation I think of how you are doing and it helps me find more strength. Thank you for that.

[Sotto]

I agree with others that he's exploring things that happened in his childhood and projecting on to you. What he wanted to say to his Mum - you didn't look after me and feed me properly - he's saying to you..

It sounds a little bizarre and out of touch with reality. I agree that your H doesn't follow the 'classic' MLC pattern. He's still in the family home and seems to be slow burning. But I have read about MLCers (a minority) who were this way.

When I read your accounts, I feel he would really benefit from seeing a therapist, but I guess that's for him to choose - he's not going want to hear that from you would be my guess.

Keep being awesome anyway HaWho xx

[kml]

I know it's hard to think on your feet when these things come so far out of left field. Maybe if something similar happens again, you could roll with it and say "since you boys just ate a full meal, how about I just make a nice dessert later tonight?"

Or even address it directly - "It must have hurt when you felt like your mother didn't care to feed you"

[HaWho]

Thanks Grodie, Ciluzen, Job, Peace, Lou, Roist, Sotto and KML.

Gordie - yes, he really does seem to be in a time warp.

Ciluzen - I tried what you recommended and so far it seems to be helping! Thanks!

Job - his mother was an extremely confrontational and challenging sort of person.

Peace - thanks but lately I don't feel much like a supportive person to him.

Lou - yes, there was a whole lot of trauma in his childhood.

Roist - thanks for the support.

Sotto - I too think he needs a therapist; someone who asks questions that help him connect dots.

KML - Good advice, I will be ready with it!

So BD anniversary 3 came and went. The actual day was not nearly as painful as year 1 or year 2. But, the lead up was worse! Guess I am processing that. The weeks before BD were massively confusing. I knew he was lying. I suspected an affair. I kept asking him to come clean and he wouldn't and then 2 weeks later? The big reveal at BD. I couldn't believe all his evasion.

Anyway, recently, I could see h trying to find a way to talk. He finally came forward and mentioned some small talk. It was a quick conversation. I listened but honestly? I did not linger. I was kind but distant. There was no strategy to it. Lately I have just been processing all the lying he was doing. And as he talked to me I just couldn't get it out of my head. I grabbed the garbage and cut the conversation short.

On BD anniversary I slept like a lamb; best I have slept in years. I still don't sleep through a night. But that night I did! I think I was relieved it passed.

A few times I have called him out on certain things he doesn't remember doing or saying. At first he denies doing x. But when I ask questions he should be able to answer he can't. He gets confused.

He has tried to initiate some "adult-like" conversations. He asked me if I knew there was a new middle school being built. (It's been in the works for years and construction has been ongoing. And I voted for it, so, yeah, unless I'd been trapped under a boulder I would have noticed the block sized middle school.) I said yes and told him they've been working on it a while.

Sometimes he laughs. Sometimes he's animated (this is new). Sometimes he is funny (also new).

There was one day he was in the kitchen and there was just silence. I felt all this tension: lead up to BD anniversary, moment of disbelief that this happened to him, etc. Then I just realized that it is what is and it's not my job to fix it all. I took the pressure off myself and accepted that it should be weird given all that he's done.

As for me? I have been working quite a bit. And I spend a lot of time really thinking about me and where I need to be. I also make time to pamper myself. This too is new for me. But I look at deals online and find great stuff! This month it was a pumpkin facial. I am taking a day off next week to spend with the kids.

Hope you are all well!