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DonH Offline OP
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Wow, look at this, it's "only" been 30 days since my last update/post here and I'm back with an update. Proud of me? smile

I finally did a vacation. Now, I do travel quite a bit and most of you would say many of these are vacations, and to be honest they are, but this was 100% for fun only - at it really was great. While I've been to Washington DC several times, I've never had the time to really explore so I finally did it last week and had a blast - at least for the most part. I, of course, went by myself. Amazing how everyone or at least nearly everyone I told, including my parents, the first words out of their mouth are "who are you going with." I just get the feeling many think, "hmmmmmmm that's odd," when I tell them just by myself. My parents just feel bad for me I'm sure.

To be honest I'm great at traveling on my own and a trip like this was the perfect one - compared to like a cruise or beach or all inclusive or something. I got to do what I wanted, when I wanted, no deciding with a group where we should go, what we should see, where we should eat, etc. I just did it. Saw so many great things and I will tell all of you this, if you visit DC and DON'T take time to see the Newseum and the Holicost Museum, you are really missing out. Of course Air and Space, the monuments, Arlington, White House, Capital, Archives, etc. should be on the list too but don't miss Holicost or Newseum.

I actually got a luxury apartment - as cheaply or cheaper than a hotel in the same area. No room service or daily housekeeping but a full kitchen, two baths, living room, you name it. It also came with an incredible roof top area that had no one using it the couple times I stopped up. It would have been a beyond romantic setting - had I not been by myself of course. That part was a bit depressing.

I was open to meeting people although not much of that happened. I was going to try to connect with someone from high school that lives out there but in the end I chickened out. I've not communicated with her at all in like 10 years and just didn't have the guts. Of course, after I return and post a few photos on social media, one of her best friends contacts me and asks if I checked in with her. Grrrrrrrrr now I really wish I would have. I'm just not good at that stuff and really need to push myself more. In fact, I was not even all that excited about going until I got there and then loved it. That is often the case. I don't want to call someone, or go someplace or do something - sometimes even dread it - but then when I do I really enjoy it. Still, the next time it comes up, I'm back to the same place in my mind.

I've been doing a few more talks on the opiate epidemic and simply LOVE it. I so want to do more of this and to be honest have all sort of people that would like to have me speak - they just can't pay me. Therefore the challenge is to figure out how to both do a lot of speaking and make a living as well. I've already had several people from Tuesday's talk contact me - mostly for help/advice with a loved one struggling with heroin or other opiate addiction. I so enjoy talking to these people. It's a great GAL (doing the talks) and I intend to continue - but just like getting my butt in gear to make the vacation happen, I need to get my butt in gear to make this happen as well.

A new company rented an office at the main client I have. I am in there a couple times a week but due to vacation last week was in 4 times this week. This little blonde hottie keeps walking past but won't even make eye contact. She's likely about 10 years younger but that's all I know. Since they are right next door to me I hear everything, including two of them talking about going on a third date with a new guy - I don't think it's "her" but her co-worker. Very funny to listen to. Felt like I was in high school or college for crying out loud as the girl is talking about how she is nervous to "eat in front of her date" I mean really?

I don't know, kind of a boring update I'd say. No wonder I only post occasionally. LOL Slightly busy weekend with plans pretty much all weekend long. I have to say, on balance I do think I feel better since I gave up trying to date. I'm getting nearly the same outcome but less anxiety, angst and feeling like crap.

If anything changes, you'll all be among the first to know!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Hey Don.....I think it is pretty cool that you are able to take a vacation by yourself and are confident to do so!

It does sound like you are better off without your W. From your reply to me she was not honest and seemed to have a lot of drama. I am sorry you had to go through it but I get the sense you are in a better place. It is great to see someone come out on the other side and they are doing great!

I also think it is ok to be picky and I am not one to put myself out there either. Your right you probably do need to push yourself a little more but if your happy that is most important and you say you are. I am sure one day you will meet someone when you least expect it and they will fit all of your qualifications. Why do you think you have not put yourself out there that much and or are indifferent right now towards dating?

I like how you stated about wearing out your real like friends. Mine were very supportive in the beginning but unless you go through something like this no one really knows. They still ask me how things are going but I think it is more out of obligation than anything else. Most people get tired of hearing the stories and while I don't expect them to fix anything as you know it just feels good to talk about.

It's been 11 years for you. Do you think you have got over the hurt and pain she caused you? In the end you referenced her A and how they are still married is the reason I ask.

I hope you are right as well but I don't think I am going to have the patience to see this all the way to the end.

Take Care!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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DonH Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Joseph9
I am sure one day you will meet someone when you least expect it and they will fit all of your qualifications. Why do you think you have not put yourself out there that much and or are indifferent right now towards dating?


If only I even had one fun date for every time I've had someone tell me this! smile I've heard it for over 10 years now and still has not even come close to happening. To be honest, I've sort of resigned myself that it likely never will but we will see.

As to why I don't put myself out more, I actually used to. It was in part of suggestions from here but more so that I just was not getting anywhere. I just really have not. That's really the main reason.

You also asked if I was over the hurt and such from my marriage. Well I'm without any doubt whatsoever over exW - long ago already. I think I'm over the M as well but that, together with my experience for the most part since has landed me where I am. I'm not at all a trusting person to begin with. I most of the time have a very, very good sixth sense. I trusted ExW when my gut told me to question it. in the end, the things that I feared would happen actually did. I had so many people telling me how I was going to lose a wonderful woman if I didn't marry her, blah, blah, blah. Funny thing, several after the fact said I should not have. Well people you can't have it both ways!

Anyhow, it's that coupled with my experiences since that really have soured me on all of it. If you take the time to read through my last year of threads you'll see what I'm talking about but here's a quick recap:

I wad D'd in October 2006 and didn't really date much at all until the end of 2007 and 2008 - which is I think the correct way to do it. One of the two R's did not give me as much concern as the other but both had some red flags. Online dating was miserable. I think I messaged over 100 people on Match as a paying member and went on like 5 dates? All were one and done. When I tried a second time several years later I could not even get a response. Those who did contact me were, how do I say it, just not even close to what I would be looking for.

I can't tell you how many women through friends and just life that I've met who don't even want to date. I can recount and name at least a half dozen who I tried to get to know or asked out who have not dated me OR ANYONE in years and don't seem to want to. Others are just plain not right - and I don't mean just not right for me - they are NOT RIGHT. It just gets to a point where why even try anymore? Then I look at friends and while I can name several who are happily married, many are not.

What I would really love to find is someone just to do things with, travel with, etc. I'm told there are women like that out there and to be honest, I sort of think that some of those who don't date and are as independent as I am would fit the bill but they would rather just be by themselves - perhaps as jaded as I've become?

So, not to sound completely dejected and given up, I've come to decide, with input and help, that I'm better off just letting it happen when I don't expect it - if it ever does. I'm certainly less pissed off and bummed out this way I'll tell you that. I have over the top self-esteem but it takes it's tole when you are rejected over and over and over again.

That said, I've only met a very, very few people that I am attracted to. The one I was most attracted to lives 10 hours away and is soon to more 20. Others just reveal red flags as I get to know them or I just have no attraction to begin with.

Hope that fills you in a bit more Joseph


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Originally Posted By: DonH
I've been doing a few more talks on the opiate epidemic and simply LOVE it. I so want to do more of this and to be honest have all sort of people that would like to have me speak - they just can't pay me. Therefore the challenge is to figure out how to both do a lot of speaking and make a living as well. I've already had several people from Tuesday's talk contact me - mostly for help/advice with a loved one struggling with heroin or other opiate addiction. I so enjoy talking to these people. It's a great GAL (doing the talks) and I intend to continue - but just like getting my butt in gear to make the vacation happen, I need to get my butt in gear to make this happen as well.


Don,

It's nice to have something you're passionate about. And to think I had you pegged as the kind of guy that would be cheefing doobies in the parking lot. wink

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For real Doodler? With you I can never tell since most replies are a joke. If serious, I'm the most opposite of that you'll ever find. Never tried pot in my life. H@ll I've never smoked a cigarette. Rarely if ever drank. Never tried coke or meth or extasey or really any drug - other than opiates. It started with adult tonsil surgery and progressed. So I'm totally opposite of a druggie - the last guy you'd suspect.

Thing is, yesterday was 8 full years of opiate sobriety without a relapse. I started year 9 today. I've now been clear of opiates longer than I was married. Imagine that. Still I really am very very happy with my life. The only thing missing is someone to hold hands, snuggle kiss, etc Of course there are no arguments no having to go do things I hate, no one nagging at me. If I had to have just one or the other I'd stick with what I've got. Still it would be nice to have more women hit on me that I feel attracted to than currently do. I'd say three in the last 11 months.

Anyhow, no drugs for me but I totally love talking about them!

Last edited by job; 10/24/17 01:15 AM. Reason: edited a word

DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Originally Posted By: DonH
For real Doodler?


No Don, not for real. That's why I used the winky face. If anything, you remind me of Joe Friday from Dragnet. Of course, I could see where Joe Friday might meetup with J. Edgar Hoover in pumps and a little black dress. wink

I didn't know you'd been addicted to opiates; I'd bet that's a tough addiction to beat. Regarding women, if you like hippie women, I'm planning on going to Burning Man 2018 if you'd like to tag along.

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DonH Offline OP
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Hippie women often have tattoos and I think you were part of the tattoo covo we had a while back. I more go for the business professional type, has to be smart, but still fun, outgoing and hot. Yeah, I don't want much. smile

Opiate addiction is extremely difficult or can be. There is no cure. That's partly why nearly 100 people in the USA die of it every day and the Whitehouse may declare it a national emergency later this week. We'll see. Thing is, many treatments just don't work nor have ever been proven to work even though we keep using them and charging huge $$$ for them. Some treatments work much better. I was lucky to get a good treatment plus had a lot to lose and was dedicated to being done with what I never asked for or wanted in the first place. 8 years is pretty good. Like I say, most of my life has gone exceeding well. Then there is the relationships side that I totally suck at!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Time for an update again. Lot's new, I guess, just not any amazing, great news.

I'll start with my main client - which is no longer my main client. This could be a book in itself. It's a large support association in the emergency services arena that I was executive director of for 18 years. I know I've told this story in years past on these boards. Anyhow, I had been doing their media after being brought back to bring them out of near bankruptcy in 2012. Well, 18 months ago the board abruptly fired the ED that replaced me and then went onto hire perhaps the worst possible candidate. It's been hell ever since. I have absolutely no doubt this guy will have them back at the bankruptcy door within two years. He is very, very bad news, lies about pretty much everything from the moment he wakes up until he goes to sleep and has NO CLUE what he is doing. Of course I'm a huge threat to him as I know the truth - yet the board is so asleep or just doesn't care, or is buying what he is selling, that they don't really care what I might tell them so I have not really said anything. Anyhow, he is not only NOT renewing my contract, he's not even having me do any work while it ends at the close of 2017 - the result of which amounts to giving me 12 weeks of paid vacation. No kidding, I'm being paid, just not having to do anything. It's really been four months of paid vacation.

Like a bad relationship, I'm beyond thrilled to be out of it. the downside is the cash flow will be lower but honestly, I could just about fully retire at this point in my life - especially given the stock market these past few years. So instead, I'm going to put the time I was putting into that contract towards building up doing speaking and continuing education related to the opioid crisis going on in the USA. It really is where my passion is. I've already been doing this - the struggle is getting paid for it. But I have a plan and we'll see if it works or not. I've been working on all of my marketing materials to start booking for 2018.

I know it's hard for everyone here to remember back about someone's specific sitch - I know it is for me. To refresh, I'm the guy who was D in 2006, didn't date at all until late 2007. I've had two Rs both less than six months since then. I didn't try much until after R two ended in summer of 2013 after I turned 50. Then in about 2015, give or take a year or two, I was putting in more effort to date. I tried several online stints, friends, meeting people randomly, etc. Nothing worked. I've related the various stories. People here suggested perhaps I just need to stop trying as things will happen when I least expect it. So in part due to that advice, I stopped all of these efforts. My last flirt with an R was this past summer, but it really never went anywhere by my choice as I saw red flags.

With that background, here's the latest - hmmmmm well the latest is no change really. There are several potential dating opportunities that could end up going somewhere. The fling I had a year ago over Thanksgiving has remained a good friend - but at least for me she's mostly a friend. She lives in Canada and I'm in Wisconsin so let's start there. I've known her for 20 years but nothing physical happened until we were together last Thanksgiving. I've seen her since but as part of functions. She's actually been doing some sub-contracting work for me on projects so we have that connection as well. I really enjoy her, we are very, very natural as far as communication goes - very normal flow. I just feel more of a friend vibe - somewhat due to physical attraction or lack of - and well, she was not a very good kisser either. Just call me shallow Don, it's okay. smile

Then there is the lady I met 10 months ago. Same deal, we have an amazing flow in she will just call me or text me randomly, we get together to do things, we will talk on the phone for hours etc. It's mostly business though. She is rather closed to personal things or even feelings. I had asked her out the week after meeting her but she said she was not in a committed R but seeing someone and didn't want to date someone else as well. I've not heard a single word about this person since. I still think she's gay and doesn't want to tell me - or is very very afraid of dating anyone. She's my age and never married. Very independent, etc.

What I'm trying to get at, however, is I really think I am so checked out of even the potential of an R.... I don't even try at all. Take this past weekend, I was with two other couples - one in an R for coming up on one year, the other married for 33. I could have cared less that I didn't have someone and honestly after watching them, was glad I did not. I even told them at this point I think I'd rather get a colonoscopy than get married. There were two women at the Christmas gather I was at that I could have at least tried to peruse - one I think I may have met 5 years ago - and again, I just could have cared less. The 5 year lady kept looking at me, yet I was like Mea, whatever - not enough interest to walk over.

I don't neither like nor dislike this. I'm more afraid of growing old or having this life come to a close without ever having love again. Yet, I'm not afraid enough that I'm willing to do anything about it. The thought of a full on R scares the crap out of me - or at least gives me a very uneasy feeling. To me an R just means pain and hurt. I see it throughout the boards here with story after story after story of betrail. I see it with most of my friends my age or younger. The only people I really see who are happy and not fighting are my parents age. More and more women my age either can't stand to be alone and will take anyone - just got more examples of that this weekend with a guy who left his third wife less than three months ago "falling in love" and moving three states away without the D even being final yet - or examples of ladies who don't want to even go out on a single date with someone. I have male friends in the same boat although we do call one of them "the 40 year old virgin."

I'll end with this as I put it on someone else's thread - may have been Dawn's. There is a matchmaking service called "It's Just Lunch" that I keep hearing ads for. Not sure of the cost but I'm betting it's mid three figures to perhaps entry four figures - it would not surprise me. Anyhow, a human being meets with you to find out about you. They then hand pick someone they feel is a good match and even set up lunch or dinner reservations for you. They then say - show up at such and such place at 1 PM and meet Mary. They then talk to you after the date to see how it went - as well as the person you went out with. Not sure if it's worth a try or not. Although at this point I'd have to say to them - look I'm only looking for someone to do things with - travel with, weekends, etc. I'm not looking for my next wife. I keep getting told there are women out there who want to keep their own house and own life and keep running into guys who want to marry them. In other words, I'm what they are looking for. I'm told this yet I never meet these women - although that one gal who may or may not be gay could be one of them and I'm just in the friend zone. Anyhow, I would add that if I somehow fall in love, as very doubtful as that may be, I would not shut the door on longer term committed. Actually I'd be fine with long term committed - just not married. The thing is, I'm just not in that lonely, wanting a GF place I was about a year ago to even try. I keep getting notifications from Match and POF that someone wants to contact me - evidently my profiles are still showing or something. I don't even have any interest in looking. I'm in a place where all I see is people wishing they were me and could do what they want, when they want and had no one nagging at them.

I really have given up, have no expectations and am least expecting anything. So if all of those people are correct, someone should be crossing my path. I just doubt it. I'd love to be wrong, but as often happens in my life, I'm not.

There's my update. Comment at will. smile

PS, I do have some thoughts about how my life has in some ways come full circle and I'm back to where I was at 20 again. Perhaps that will be my next post.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Don,

I enjoyed your post. I realize I’m supposed to give you a “rah rah” speech about how you need to “put yourself out there” and “keep trying.” Nothing wrong with being okay with where you are. Life is fluid and you never know what tomorrow brings.

Peeps are a fickle bunch nowadays. I was talking with a friend of mine that back in college, if a guy called you, asked about you or something of the sort, one presumed there was interest. Nowadays, people text for weeks or months on end with no intention of even meeting. We seek instant connection yet avoid connecting. Not everyone of course, but it’s a common occurrence. My gf had a guy disappear for 3 months after a date and weeks of texting. She wanted to know why he’s texting again. He’s bored. He’s lonely. He needs an ego stroke. Doesn’t make him a bad guy at small-just probably not R material.

Sounds like you are getting out of a bad situation at work. Good luck on your new endeavor.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Hi DonH. I've been following along for a while. I think the answer to your question is in this post. You yourself are very conflicted about being in a relationship, and that's what you keep attracting. I guess my suggestion would be to really do a deep dive into all the aspects of relationship - what does it mean to you, what do you like about it, what scares you, etc. so that you can come to peace with the parts that are so terrifying and maybe make them less so. I feel like doing this is your best chance at finding companionship on the other side of that work. Make sense? What I'm trying to say at 5am with no coffee is that while one is conflicted about something, the universe tends to respond in kind.

Just a thought! xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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